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Electronics Part II

5/19/2016

18 Comments

 
Dear Parents,

Last week we heard from a frustrated father regarding his children and their addiction to electronics. I had asked everyone to share their opinions, and I received many blog posts, and over 150 e-mail replies. I compiled all of the ideas together as best as possible, and, Baruch Hashem, it seems there is hope if we play our cards right.
 
On Wednesday morning, I was sitting in Yeshiva when two boys walked in. The boy who came in first turned to his friend and said to him as follows: (please forgive the run-on sentence), “I am attacking with the baby dragon on the highest level combined with the prince, because the baby dragon has blast damage and the only thing that can stop the prince is blast damage, so unless he also has a fully upgraded baby dragon to counteract mine, I’m unstoppable!”
 
I told this boy, “I remember learning about a dragon in the Gemara, I think in Avoda Zara!” He looked and me and said “Rebbe, this is really serious stuff I’m discussing!” It just validated my concerns, namely that electronics have switched from a fun outlet to a destructive and/or obsessive habit.
In order to understand the issue better, I think we need to take a step back and see where it’s coming from. We all like to blame our society or our schools and communities.  However, I asked over 30 boys during the week, and they all felt that their parents were also addicted to their cellphones. Here are five questions that can help you figure out if you’re one of them:
  1. When you wake up in the morning, do you check your phone within the first few minutes?
  2. When going to sleep at night, do you watch a show, shop or surf the web on your phone or other device?
  3. On Shabbos, do you constantly feel your phone vibrating even though you’re not wearing it? (Hatzolah members and doctors get a pass on this).
  4. When you’re talking to your kids, are you routinely holding or checking your phone?
  5. Do you base your schedule on how much battery your phone has left?
Here goes. If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, congratulations, you are also addicted!
 
So, what is there to do about this? Obviously, you need to understand that if you’re constantly on your phone, holding your phone or checking your phone, your children will not view the phone as something negative, rather they will perceive it as a normal and acceptable way of life. In order to address our children’s addiction with the iPad, cellphone or electronics, it would be prudent to work on ourselves and try to limit the amount of time we use and check our phones. That being said, if your children are doing well in Yeshiva, have friends, and are easy going, you may not need to do anything. If, however, you feel that your kids are hooked on electronics, these next 18 ideas are for you. Thank you again to the many people who helped with this.

Remember, some of these ideas might work for your family, and some not. See which works best for you. Keep in mind that this will not be easy. However, if you’re consistent, you will be successful!
 
  1. If possible, make a room that’s set aside for all electronics. This could be a den or basement, but it should be away from all bedrooms. All phones, iPads and similar devices need to stay in this room. This goes for parents as well. Expecting an important text? Don’t carry your phone with you. Go and check it every so often. 
  2. Too much electronics is really not healthy. Therefore, set up days that kids cannot play any electronic games. This includes checking or updating.  Make sure your kids are aware of this in advance.  You can also have designated day(s) that the kids will be able to play.  For example, on a Friday afternoon, after they have completed Shabbos jobs and are ready for Shabbos. 
  3. You don’t want your children to resent you because you’re limiting these devices. If you feel that it’s becoming a point of contention, ease up a little, but make them earn their playing time.
  4. To counteract the social issues brought on by lack of conversation, try and keep a fair ratio of time played versus activities with others. In other words, even if it's raining outside, let them do other things besides playing iPad.
  5. Electronic devices should never be brought into their bedrooms. It’s even better if they don’t play within a half hour of bedtime.
  6. On Shabbos and Yomim Tovim, all devices should be put away in the parents’ bedroom.
  7. Make sure there are plenty of good alternatives for your kids.  Board games, bike riding, water fights, nerf warfare, and even simple games like hide and seek.  They might resist initially, but if you’re persistent they will have a bundle of fun.  If you’re able to join in on the fun, remember that it would be counterproductive to be holding your phone while you are watching or playing with them. 
  8. Forcing your child to stop using all these devices is not such a good idea. Quite a few parents have mentioned they tried this, and it backfired.
  9. Get them invited on play dates to friends that aren’t into these devices. It’s easy enough to call up parents and be honest. “I’m trying to wean my child off of electronics, can you make sure that they play other things?” It really is odd when a group of boys sit around and watch one boy playing a game.
  10. Allow your kids a set amount of time per week for these devices. Once they’ve used up their quota, they cannot even turn a device on.  This has the added benefit of teaching your kids time management skills.
  11. When your kids are not supposed to use their devices, make sure they are in your possession. It’s certainly Lifnei Iver (leaving a stumbling block in front of a blind man). Imagine leaving a lit cigarette in front of a smoker and telling him, “Don’t smoke it.”
  12. Kids should not be allowed to use their devices when they’re doing anything else. Playing outside? No phone. Watching a video or ball game? No iPod!
  13. Try as hard as you can not to get irritated when your kids bring up electronics. Remember, it’s so hard for them not to bring it up. Treat it like an addiction. Show them you understand their request and even validate how much they want it. Try and distract them. This won’t be easy.
  14. Make it clear to your kids that if they don’t end off with a smile, the consequence will be that they cannot play for a few days. Keep to it.
  15. Try to take an interest in the games they play. It’ll be a fun bonding experience when you can discuss baby dragons and ogres together.
  16. Make sure you have a good filter. You should definitely block internet use as well as chatting and similar apps. Make sure that the games your children play do not allow communication with outsiders.
  17. Your kids (and you) should not use an app for Davening or Bentching unless absolutely necessary. Use a Siddur or a Bentcher.
  18. Of most importance, be a good role model when it comes to driving and texting. Put your phone away when you are driving – even if it’s a red light! Remember, your kids are very perceptive and will notice if you practice this dangerous behavior.  Soon enough, they’ll be teen drivers and we don’t want them to pick up this extremely terrible and destructive behavior!

With the help of Hashem, we will continue to raise our children to be Mentchen.

Have a great Shabbos.

​ 
 
18 Comments
Daniel
5/19/2016 08:15:12 pm

I've been waiting for this article for a few hours already. What's the delay? Joke. This is fascinating information. Thank You!

Reply
Shevy L.
5/19/2016 08:24:36 pm

Wonderful ideas. I'm going to keep in touch and let you know what happens.

Reply
Aviva Bensimon
5/19/2016 08:28:20 pm

Oh No! I'm addicted to my phone. I chose YES to 3 out of the 5. How can I expect my kids to stop if I can't?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
5/19/2016 11:04:15 pm

Short Answer? You can't. You need to show your children that you're taking it seriously as well.

Reply
Private
5/19/2016 08:29:44 pm

Rabbi Ross. There are many fantastic points in this article. Well Done.

Reply
Zahava Lerner
5/19/2016 08:39:28 pm

I as well waited all week for this. This is such a wonderfully written article, and it'll be really useful. I am forwarding to all my friends.

Reply
Zev Lesser
5/19/2016 08:56:33 pm

I and many other people am guilty of #18. It's really bad. I need to lock it up when I drive.

Reply
CHANIE T.
5/19/2016 09:12:24 pm

I feel like emailing this to my daughters school. It's a real epidemic.

Reply
S.G.
5/19/2016 09:26:57 pm

I think that you included enough material in here for everyone to be satisfied. Great Stuff.

Reply
Sam
5/19/2016 09:44:33 pm

Rabbi Ross. Tavo Alecha Bracha. You have take on a difficult task, and have done a great job. These phones are destroying society.

Reply
Ariella
5/19/2016 11:02:58 pm

I'm greatly enjoying these articles. This one is really powerful, especially considering the danger of these devices. I also failed your addiction test. Where did you find it?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
5/19/2016 11:06:14 pm

I'm glad you're enjoying. I made up the addiction test myself - but I'm assuming most people understand the point I'm making. We're in the same boat as the kids.

Reply
Esther
5/20/2016 05:19:47 am

You make many valid points here. I really try to give good alternatives, and I have a rain only policy. You have never seen kids Daven for rain like mine.

Reply
Private
5/20/2016 08:23:02 am

It's very important that parents take your 6th idea seriously. Many a Yiddishe child has turned on a device on Shabbos, and that can begin a serious downward spiral. Wonderful job on these emails.

Reply
Temima
5/20/2016 09:29:12 am

It would be great if the schools would educate the kids about the dangers of the electronics. Coming from a parent, many things are "wrong". From a school, not so much.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
5/20/2016 05:14:30 pm

That's an interesting point. However, many would disagree with that concept. I know of many families where the parents carry a lot more weight that the Yeshivos.

Reply
Dr. Eli Adler link
5/20/2016 11:38:48 am

You attack the issues head on.
As always, you present in a clear crisp manner.
This is an issue facing us all.
Keep up the good work!

Reply
Shayna
5/20/2016 01:57:27 pm

This was the best article I've read in a long time. So many great points. Thanks!

Reply

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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