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Money Part II

12/1/2016

33 Comments

 
Last week, we discussed a question regarding children and money. Our two main topics were teaching children the value of money, as well as how to instill a sense of responsibility regarding work. This week, we will focus on the pros and cons of rewarding children and when/if to give an allowance. Thank you to all that shared their thoughts in the comments section.  

A mother called me recently with an interesting issue. Whenever she asked her child to do anything, he would respond, “What will I get?” Her fear was that if she kept saying, “A Mitzvah”, he would think that a Mitzvah is associated with something negative – namely the task he was given.
 
It’s a problem that many of us face. Children expect a reward for almost anything. It’s a part of the broken mentality that we discussed last week.  A mother told me the following story…you might want to sit for this. She wanted her son to stop using his iPod so much. Therefore, she offered him an iPhone 7 if he stopped for a week. You might think this woman is certifiably insane. I certainly do. As shocking as this might seem, she’s actually a great mother and an intelligent person.
 
Let’s face it, it’s not easy. Our society likes to reward with instant gratification. Imagine the following scenario. Your den is a mess and you want your 11-year-old and 9-year-old children to clean it. Do you...

  1.  Ask them to, “Please clean the den”
  2. Offer a reward to whoever cleans the den
  3. Say, “Until the den is clean, we’re not having dessert”
 
I took a poll, and 100% of the people I asked, chose “2”.  To be fair, I only asked one person, but I’m not a very good poll taker. (Then again, neither is the media). Choice “3” is not a good option. Threatening consequences is just not a great way to parent in most cases.  Obviously, choice “1” is the best option. However, it’s just easier to go with “2”.  Less arguing, and a seemingly happier environment. Everyone wins, right?
 
Unfortunately, no.  All that’s happening is that we’re teaching our children that instant gratification is the norm, and that listening to parents is contingent upon rewards.  Sure, it’s the easy way out, but long term it backfires. The next time you want the den cleaned, you’ll have to offer a reward once again! I know a father who rewards his son for getting out of bed. That’s insane!
 
At the end of this email, I will share a few ideas to help deal with this frustrating but common issue.
 
The last part of this topic was allowance. A close friend of mine shared with me an interesting story. His 10-year-old daughter asked for an allowance. He replied, “I allow you to sleep in my house, eat my food, and wear clothing that I paid for!”
 
That’s a bit extreme for me. However, I agree in principle. I did some research and found that, years ago, allowance was usually tied performing chores.  Nowadays, I think that an allowance isn’t as important.
 
This doesn’t mean your children shouldn’t get spending money. On the contrary, it’s not a bad idea for your children to have a little spending money of their own.  Not only does it help teach them the value of money, it gives them a sense of independence. If children are not allowed to have a little money, it can cause them to resent you, and Chas V’shalom take money without permission.
 
However, I don’t think an allowance is the way to go. Money as a birthday present? Great. Lost a tooth or two? A few dollars is fine. Is it Rosh Chodesh?  Perhaps a dollar to spend in school is one way to show them what a special day it is!  The goal should be that your children are responsible with money, but don’t obsess over it.  You can reiterate that money doesn’t buy happiness, “Who is happy? – the one who is satisfied!”
 
What’s my main issue with an allowance?  It strengthens the feeling of entitlement, which is a large reason that the world is having all these issues.  Additionally, why do kids even need a constant stream of money coming in? What are they buying? If there is a snack machine in school, you can give them a dollar or two occasionally.
 
If your child really wants an allowance, tie it into his responsibilities around the house. I’m not talking about keeping his room clean. If he wants to earn extra money, let him oversee something special. Mowing the grass, shoveling the snow, polishing the silverware.  Although he shouldn’t necessarily be compensated for basic jobs (making his bed, picking up toys, etc.), there’s nothing wrong with having him earn a little extra on the side.
 
Below you will find some tips regarding both topics we discussed today and last week. As always, please use your judgment when following any of these ideas. When in doubt, always ask your Rav.
 
  1.  If your son asks for a reward when you ask him to do something, tell him, “Son, It’s something very special, but I can’t tell you yet.”  After he does the task, sit him down and say, “You just earned a special reward from Hashem.  Additionally, your father and I are super impressed with how much you help out, and we are planning on getting you something nice if this keeps up.”
  2. Teach your children the value of money using everyday items. “If you buy this expensive pair of sneakers, then you won’t have the money to buy that book you wanted.”  Eventually, your kids should be able to weigh decisions and realize that each decision has a consequence.
  3. Give commissions, not allowances.  Don’t just give your kids money for breathing. Pay them commissions based on extra chores they do around the house. This will help them understand that money is earned—it’s not just given to them.
  4. Once they start making a little money, be sure you teach them about Maaser and Tzedaka. They can pick a Shul or organization, or even someone they know who needs a little help. Eventually, they’ll see how giving doesn’t just affect the people they give to, it affects the giver as well.
  5. As you kids grow older, give them the responsibility of a bank account. By the time your kid is a teenager, you should be able to set them up with a simple bank account, especially if you’ve been doing some of the above all along. This takes money management to the next level, and it will prepare them for (hopefully) managing a much heftier account balance when they get older.
  6. Opening a joint account is a great idea once your child is 14 or 15 years old. There’s nothing like being able to login and see how much (or little) you have in an account.
  7. Help your kids find a job. Teenagers have plenty of free time. Friday afternoons, Sunday, Motzoai Shabbos and more. If your child wants to earn money, that’s awesome! Who knew that working was a great way to make money?
  8. Teach your children about credit when they’re younger. Explain how it works, and the danger of credit cards. Teaching this at a young age is a great way to help them develop credit smarts.
  9. Explain how advertising works. Many of the items children crave were spotted via an ad either from TV or online.  Advertisers spend millions researching how to make their product a “Must have” for children. You can teach your children how to separate the fact from the fiction.
  10. It’s OK if your kids make mistakes. If you daughter really wants to buy a toy that’s a piece of junk, let her. It’ll be a great learning experience. Don’t make a big deal out of it, although saying, “I made similar mistakes” is fine.
  11. If money burns a hole in your child’s pocket, you need to be careful. Kids that spend money without blinking an eye, really need to be watched. Being impulsive can be challenging in many areas, but financially it’s a disaster. You need to be extra careful and work with him on ways to save money. 

Have a good Shabbos
​YR
33 Comments
Shayna
12/1/2016 06:37:12 pm

Number 10 is key. It's ok if your kids make mistakes, contrary to public opinion.

Reply
Dovid Reuven
12/1/2016 06:39:03 pm

I'm a first time reader. I am very impressed with this article, and I read last week's as well. Teaching money smarts at a young age is a great way to prepare them for the future!

Reply
Aryeh Z.
12/1/2016 06:49:11 pm

Teaching children about credit is so important! I really enjoyed this article.

Reply
Chaviva Zedler
12/1/2016 06:50:49 pm

I cried from laughter at your "poll." Technically, it was an accurate poll. That's better than the media can say. Well written as usual.

Reply
Ariel Taub
12/1/2016 06:53:40 pm

I hate to admit it, but I would have gone with "C". It's just easier. Might be wrong, but it gets results.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
12/1/2016 07:55:46 pm

Ariel, all 3 choices will get you results. The discussion is, which result is better? I don't think the last choice will have good results; especially not long term.

Reply
Hadassah F.
12/1/2016 07:06:42 pm

What you wrote about giving children some money is frightening, but very true. My sister and I would "borrow" money from our parents if they didn't give us when we wanted. Unless you're unable, you should always allow your children some independence with money.

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Private
12/1/2016 07:07:46 pm

Great as usual. I think my children caught onto the tooth fairy pretty quickly. Now they come to me and say "$5.00 please?

Reply
Yechiel Menser
12/1/2016 07:08:48 pm

I would love to give a Dvar Torah about this one, but it's the same topic as last week. Next week I'll give one. Have a great Shabbes.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
12/1/2016 07:53:06 pm

I'm really looking forward Yechiel!

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Zevy Lindser
12/1/2016 07:10:08 pm

Advertising is really so dangerous, and parents don't realize. As you wrote so eloquently, they spend millions trying to trap your kids. Don't get fooled and think you're kids won't fall for it. Besides, many ads are highly inappropriate.

Reply
Y.M.D.
12/1/2016 07:11:47 pm

I don't agree about the allowances. My kids get a weekly allowance, and they are still great kids.

Reply
Yehudah K.
12/1/2016 07:28:59 pm

This doesn't mean that your kids are bad. Rabbi Ross said it's a better idea not to give an allowance in his opinion. Many amazing kids get an allowance and are still wonderful. IN almost every article, the Rabbi write, "As always, please use your judgment when following any of these ideas." In other words, you're the parent, so you do what you think is correct. There are ideas.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
12/1/2016 11:28:14 pm

Yehuda is correct. I have no doubt your kids are amazing. Every situation is different, and if you feel that it works for you, that's awesome.

Reply
Shoshana Kahn
12/1/2016 07:30:11 pm

I think everyone would agree about the entitlement issues. I have never understood those that want things without working for them. How will that work in the long run?

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Avremi L.
12/1/2016 07:40:17 pm

I absolutely love point number one. The main reward should be a mitzvah, but as an add on bonus you can give a small token of your appreciation. Is it such a great way to get your children to focus on the Mitzvah aspect. Yasher Koach!

Reply
Batsheva K.
12/1/2016 08:03:36 pm

There's a 4th choice. I would clean the den myself. It's not a battle worth fighting.

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Danielle
12/1/2016 08:32:10 pm

I don't think that's a good solution at all. How are you teaching your kids responsibilities?

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Aliza Besser
12/1/2016 10:02:17 pm

I agree with Danielle. Giving in is not avoiding a battle, it's pushing off the inevitable battle which will only get bigger.

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Zev A.
12/1/2016 09:59:25 pm

Rabbi Ross. I read every one of these articles. I love the way yo blend humor and logic every week. I would like to add one point to this topic. When kids are little, they should use a clear bank or jar so they can appreciate what they are saving. Thank you again. Zev.

Reply
Private
12/1/2016 10:00:14 pm

A great read! One comment. What if the parents can't afford to give their kids?

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Rabbi Ross
12/1/2016 11:33:30 pm

I have received many similar questions over the past few months. It will be answered in an upcoming article IY"H.

Reply
Danny
12/1/2016 10:59:26 pm

You said it best! Help your kids find a job! Get them up and going!

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Chaya Mushka
12/1/2016 11:16:54 pm

These articles never cease to amaze me. I'm imagining it takes hours to write these, and you don't get paid for it. Thank You for the emails and the fun discussions that follow over Shabbos in our house.

Reply
Ayelet D.
12/2/2016 07:53:29 am

Great article. I think it's important that adults appreciate the value of money as well. We waste so much money on what we call necessities.

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Shifra Kaymen
12/2/2016 07:54:35 am

Giving extra money on Rosh Chodesh is a fantastic idea! It's supposed to be more than just a white shirt. Very nice email.

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Devora S.
12/2/2016 07:55:53 am

Here's another idea. before candle lighting, every child should put some of their own money in the Pushka. It's a great way to associate giving with Shabbos also.

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Rabbi Ross
12/4/2016 01:53:24 pm

Great idea! I love that you're connecting the Mitzvos!

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F.R.
12/2/2016 09:40:48 am

This is such a great site! I keep it bookmarked. Whenever I have a Chinuch question, I search the blog. Fantastic.

Reply
Chana
12/3/2016 05:36:18 pm

A wonderful read. Rabbi, you have great insight into parenting. I would like to point out, that there is a reason that old money sticks around. It's because they teach their children money smarts.

Reply
Yaffa L.
12/3/2016 05:51:02 pm

I really enjoyed reading this with my kids over Shabbos. I'm also against an allowance. My kids loved the bank account part, they've been dying for an ATM card. I don't think they realize that it doesn't just give money.

Reply
Dave B.
12/3/2016 08:36:08 pm

It's not only children that should read this. It's also young couples and the ones that support them. When you get married, it's a great time to start being financially smarter.

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Sherri
12/3/2016 08:37:02 pm

Very nice. Teaching children about money is a great way to insure financial independence.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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