Dear Rabbi Ross. My oldest son is going to be having his Bar Mitzvah in a few months, and he had an odd request. He told us that his friends hate long speeches and he doesn’t want any. He only wants to say a Dvar Torah and nothing else. My husband and I were going to ask the Rav, the Menahel and possible one other speaker to say a few words. Since we read your column every Shabbos at the table, we were wondering if you would share your thoughts. Yaakov K. – Teaneck.
First of all, Mazel Tov! It’s not surprising that your son’s friends were the ones that admitted they don’t like speeches. I would venture to say that many of the adults don’t like speeches very much either. I was at a Bar Mitzvah recently that had over 90 minutes of speeches! While I’m sure that a few people enjoyed (no doubt spouses, or parents!), many of the guests were on their phones or talking quietly to someone else. Why are there so many speeches? When I was younger I used to play as a one-man band at Bar Mitzvahs. I loved speeches. I was paid by the hour, and it was fantastic! This was before the days of cellphones, so I had to actually read a book to pass the time, but it was so relaxing and profitable! As a Rebbe, I try to go to as many Bar Mitzvahs as possible. I must admit that it’s truly frustrating when I stop by for an hour and I end up sitting through an hour of speeches. It’s very important to have a Dvar Torah at a Seudas Mitzvah. If the Bar Mitzvah boy is delivering a Dvar Torah, I would think that it would take care of this requirement, in addition to giving his parents and Rebbeim Nachas. At my son’s Bar Mitzvah a few months ago, I introduced my son - who spoke for a few minutes and then made a Siyum, and we also had one Rav speak for four minutes. The total time spent on speeches was under twenty minutes. I can assure you that our guests were thrilled. I guess what it comes down to is, why do you need more speeches? What’s the purpose? Many parents have told me they’re scared to offend their Rabbonim, so they ask them to speak. This includes their current Rav, the Rav where they used to live, the Menahel and their son’s Rebbe. I’m not sure that this fear is justified. If a Rav is offended because you didn’t ask him to speak, it’s a bit worrisome. Certainly, you should thank all the Rabbomim, especially the ones that had, and have, an impact on your family or the Bar Mitzvah boy. Spend a few moments speaking about each one. Explain that you have decided to curtail the speaking, so everyone can enjoy themselves a bit more. You can say, “I would like to apologize in advance. There are so many wonderful Rabbonim that we could have invited to say a few words of Torah. However, after careful consideration, we’ve decided to minimize the speeches at this Simcha. Therefore, the only speakers will be my son and the Rav of our Shul.” While I’m sure that all the speakers have something nice to say about your family, you need to read the room. If your guests are the type that would love to sit through an hour or more of speeches, then by all means, go for it. I would venture to say, though, that most people don’t want to sit quietly for more than twenty minutes. A few months ago, I went to a Bar Mitzvah in Brooklyn. While sitting through the 4th speaker of the program, I overheard someone comment, “Look at the boys on their phones! It’s a disgrace!” Meanwhile, almost every adult was either on the phone or talking to someone else. I truly feel bad for the boys. They want to dance. They want to have a fun time. They’re so pumped up… and now they’re sitting through speeches. To make things worse, everyone is judging them. However, ultimately, you’re the parents. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re paying for the party. If you want to have six people speak, that’s your prerogative. Sometimes parents do things that children don’t understand, appreciate or even like. That’s just too bad. If you want my opinion, I am not a fan of speeches. Nonetheless, I’m not the one paying for your son’s party. You are. If your son really feels strongly about this, he can pay for his own party. Furthermore, when he makes a Bar Mitzvah for his son, he can do it without speeches. You're the parents now, so you make the decisions. Have a Good Shabbos and Mazel Tov! YR
16 Comments
Yehoshua Tausig
3/8/2018 07:49:18 pm
You chickened out at the end! If you really feel that speeches are so bad, why are you telling the parents it's ok to have speeches? You need to stick to your guns!
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Aviva BenSimon
3/8/2018 08:04:44 pm
I disagree! Rabbi Ross spoke his mind and then pointed out the obvious. Kids don't dictate policy unless they can pay for it. I happen to enjoy hearing nice speeches.
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Shoshana F.
3/8/2018 07:59:42 pm
I have noticed this phenomenon as well. For a while speeches were much shorted, but over the past few months every bar mitzva had well over an hour of speeches. Most of them were incredibly boring. I agree with the kid.
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Sam Taub
3/8/2018 08:06:34 pm
It is wrong for anyone to have cell phones out during an affair. I know it won't stop and it will only get worse, but its wrong. Plain and simply wrong. I abhor speeches - I actually leave when there are too many. still, playing on these devices is horrible.
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Ari
3/8/2018 08:31:09 pm
Your last point was dead straight! Kids don’t own the world. Right or wrong, it’s the parents who make the call.
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Chavi Merrin
3/8/2018 08:34:06 pm
It’s not only the Rabbis that get insulted. Family members do also. You hear from your sister that your uncle was annoyed that he wasn’t ask to say a few words. It never ends. It’s easier for me to sit through two hours of speeches than to have people be annoyed at me for the next year.
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Baruch
3/8/2018 08:43:06 pm
Shalom, thank you very much for the advice, we appreciate it tremendously!
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Private
3/8/2018 09:04:24 pm
Well written. There are certainly too many speeches, but parents need to make decisions without focusing solely on the kids.
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Elisheva S.
3/8/2018 09:37:41 pm
My husband and I are always arguing about this. I agree with you that we need to cut back on all speeches. He insists that it’s not respectful to ignore the Rabbis.
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Eliyahu Samet
3/8/2018 09:50:56 pm
Yes! Yes! #metoo! Every single time I go to a Bar Mitzvah I go crazy. No one cares! I’m sure you have what to say, but it’s such an inconvenience to everyone. In the olden days people were ok with it. Nowadays not really.
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Dave
3/9/2018 07:16:11 am
I always enjoy these emails. This one is just so brave. You’re taking on an insane tradition. For a religion that values time, this one is so hypocritical. Kudos to you.
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Anonymous
3/9/2018 07:23:04 am
This is something that has irked me for years. I have found that most of the offenders are Rabbonim that feel they finally have an audience. I wish someone would make them listen to their own speeches. It's really not right.
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Sam Levine
3/9/2018 08:17:13 am
Good luck with this. When my kids had their parties, there were no speeches. My kids spoke. Small Dvar Torah and some thank yous. That was it. A few weeks ago I went to a wedding that has speeches. Why????????
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M.S.S.
3/9/2018 10:17:10 am
This is absolutely disgusting. As a frequent speaker at Bar Mitzvas, I take offense to this article. I speak for not more than 10 minutes, and I like to think that people enjoy what I have to say. I talk about the Bar Mitzvah Bochur and his family, and they love it. Disappointing article.
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Barry Wolfson
3/9/2018 11:53:57 am
Sir, it is precisely for this response that this column is necessary. If you and 5 others each speak for 10 minutes, it’s 50 minutes of speeches. And no, I don’t like speeches from anyone at a party. I want to talk with friends and my wife. Don’t kid yourself.
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E.S.
3/9/2018 12:26:51 pm
I agree with Barry. You’re being ridiculous. Why would you be offended? Could it be that deep down you know that people really don’t want to hear you speak?
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AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
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