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Weight for the right time!

8/31/2017

44 Comments

 
Dear Rabbi Ross. I’m pretty sure you must have received this email many times, but I have a problem with my 9-year-old daughter. She is a huge snacker, and is constantly munching on something or another. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m worried for the future. This will catch up to her, and these days it’s very hard to find the right guy in Shidduchim. What’s the best way to let her know that she needs to be more in control of herself without coming off as a psychotic mother. TIA. NAME REDACTED – Far Rockaway.

Whoa!  I’m not quite sure where to begin. To answer your first point, yes, I have received many related questions.  Most of them were regarding older kids, approximately sixteen and older. Whereas I’m sure it’s important to teach your child proper eating habits at a young age, I don’t think a nine-year-old needs to be worried about Shidduchim yet, nor should you.

In my opinion, this whole “overweight” issue is being approached the wrong way. We keep focusing on telling the girls that they’re still beautiful even if they’re not a size two. That’s nice and all, but maybe we should be telling the boys that weight isn’t such a big issue. Over the past several years, many of my Talmidim who have been dating told me that the Shadchanim are the ones that bring up weight. “She’s gorgeous…. a size two!”  As long as we keep emphasizing weight, it’ll continue to be an ongoing obstacle.

We’re unfortunately quite hypocritical when it comes to this issue.  If we as a community really believe this is a problem, we should address it head on. I’m sure that there are many Rabbonim and therapists that can come up with a better solution, but I believe it comes down to two main points:

  1. Stop making weight an issue with the boys. Don’t bring it up when discussing prospective Shidduchim.
  2. Don’t use the word “weight” when dealing with your children.  Use the word “healthy”. 

That being said, the letter you wrote really bothered me. I actually felt that it would look bad for you if I used your name (which you gave me permission to do), so I redacted it.  Is your daughter a huge snacker? The resolution seems pretty simple. Remove the unhealthy snacks, and let her nosh on healthy ones. Fruits and vegetables are a great substitute. Your local kosher market has dozens of healthy snack alternatives – though, unfortunately, there are hundreds of “junk food” selections.

I’m not going to say you are a psychotic mother, but worrying about Shidduchim when your daughter is nine years old is a bit worrisome. She’s nine!  If you even hint about marriage now, you’re doing her a tremendous disservice.

Your goal as a mother is to make her self-confident. Compliment her daily, and lead by example. Make sure she eats a healthy and filling breakfast, lunch and supper, and, when she’s in school, pack her healthy snacks. Don’t use the word “weight”, not even in a positive way. An example of what not to say is, “Wow! You are looking really slim!”   I don’t think that’s an appropriate compliment. You can say, “Wow! You look really beautiful!” Subliminal messaging is very powerful, especially with younger children. If you’re hinting about weight, she’ll pick up on it.

I have received emails from parents telling me that their children are extremely heavy, and asking what to say to them.  I would like to reiterate that I have no background in dealing with this issue. I would suggest speaking with a nutritionist or your doctor and coming up with a workable solution. Include your children when making decisions, this way you’re not overbearing. It’s much better for your child to hear from the doctor that he or she is overweight, than from you.

Here’s what I have gleaned from many of you over the past few years:
  1. Some children have an easier time staying slim than others. It could be due to metabolism or simply hereditary. You can’t compare children, not even siblings.
  2. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.  Don’t let your [children] daughters believe that they need to be a size zero in order to succeed.
  3. Shadchanim must stop using weight as a selling point. (Incidentally, I think this resumè business is insane also.)
  4. Keep healthy snack alternatives available for you and your children, and get rid of the junk food.
  5. Don’t use the words “weight”, “heavy” or “fat”, when talking to your kids.


Obviously, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.


Dear Readers. I answered this question from a parenting perspective. Over the past few days, I received many emails requesting more information from a professional. Therefore, I sent the same question to noted author and lecturer, Dr. Rachael E. Schindler. Dr. Schindler is a psychologist and founder of “The Five Towns Diet” meals home delivery and In-house nutrition expert at Life Gym.
 
Dr Schindler responds.
 
Thank you for bringing up this important issue.  While I agree with the points Rabbi Ross brought up last week, I would also emphasize that, in my practice I have found that there are two categories of young snackers.  One is the “hungry group”, generally having a sugar issue (either hereditarily or because they eat too much sugar already), so they always "feel" like they are starving.  The other group are those kids that are bored and eat simply because there's just too much junk food in the house that they can grab, so why not?
 
The difference in handling these categories is that the first can be controlled by eating healthier and less sugared foods.  The other requires a greater measure of self-control, discipline and/or distraction.  Part of the confounding factors are "treats" in school and at "Shabbos party".  They are not so easy to get around, since "everyone" enjoys them and you don't want to be left out, or not have the best snack!
 
In my practice, I like to differentiate as to whether there is a biological tendency to overeat, and therefore store fat in excess, or if the problem stems from emotional or biochemical issues. Either way, it is important to model the same message for the entire family.  Don't give the child who is a little heavier different food than everyone else. You may think that it's not fair to the other kids, or that maybe one of your kids even needs to gain weight.  However, we are looking towards improving our habits and lifestyle.  It’s better to be consistent across the board, with the entire family, so that this doesn’t come across as a "diet".
 
Additionally, make sure gym classes or exercise is part of your child's routine, perhaps even doing it together from a video.  Look at it this way, both of you will bond and be healthier.
 
I also advise to read books like "Eat This, Not That", where a child is able to see examples of smart choices in picture format.  To illustrate, instead of eating 4 small cookies, he can have 5 medium sized apples. It's very powerful and helps them choose wisely when they see the comparisons.
 
One last tip, if it's too hard on your relationship with your child and having a negative impact, then I recommend seeing a professional, such as a nutritionist. For long term results, I would suggest not limiting yourself to those that list foods that you can or can't have, or who stress measuring.  Rather, the best approach is to combine medical knowhow, psychology, sound nutrition, and exercise all in one.  

Thank you Dr. Schindler.  Got comments? We'd love to read them!

Have a wonderful Shabbos!

YR
 
A veritable “one-stop-source”, Dr. Schindler specializes in fitness, food, stomach problems, hormonal and behavioral issues for both children and adults. She can be contacted at Teichbergr@aol.com or (917) 690-5097. 
44 Comments
Shayna
8/31/2017 07:50:50 pm

You are so on target! We make these huge issues about weight, and we're shocked when girls go insane trying to look skinny. Serious double standards!

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Michael
8/31/2017 07:52:15 pm

Rabbi Ross. ever heard of Tammany Hall? You won't win this one even though you're correct.

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Shoshana Kahn
8/31/2017 07:53:56 pm

I work with a nutritionist, There are many more aspects to this conversation, but as a whole you nailed it. Smarter choices, and better snack selection. Once you've done that, it's much easier for the kids to pick up healthier eating habits. Snacking or getting the munchies isn't always a bad thing.

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Efraim Blinder
8/31/2017 07:57:26 pm

You just went after Shadchanim. Wow. I can't believe someone did that. I guess you don't have children of marriageable ages. Yes, Shadchanim are sometimes hypocritical.

It's not malicious, they do what they have to do get kids married. If telling a boy that the girl is skinny is the trick, so be it. What's wring with it? We need to get these kids married. I don't see why you care if the girl is skinny. Is it only ok to be heavier?

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Chaviva Zedler
8/31/2017 08:07:43 pm

Did you even read the article? Rabbi Ross has an issue with using weight as a method of describing a girl. The reasoning is, that we're placing an emphasis on something that is hurting people in our communities. even the goyim are taking a step back with this.

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Aryeh Singer
8/31/2017 07:59:42 pm

I like to tell my kids that in the olden days, being heavier was a sign of wealth. I'm not sure how accurate this statement is, but I heard it years ago. We as a society put a lot of emphasis on weight, and it's certainly unhealthy.

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A Retired Bubby
8/31/2017 08:11:20 pm

It's amazing what can happen to the world in only 50 years! When we got married, weight was a non issue. Fat girls became skinny. Skinny girls became fat. Girls with bad hair wore a Tichel. Looks were not as important.

I think we had it right. If you are marrying a girl solely based on her weight, what will happen if she gets heavier? Don't say "Too bad on me."

This is an issue that I've watched grow around the globe, and it's positively sickening. I love your response, and I hope that this mother takes it to heart. Take it from a Bubby. Your daughter is beautiful!

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Private
8/31/2017 08:15:57 pm

Nice. I noticed the cheap shot about resumes. You and me both. how stupid have we become? It's like buying a car already.

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A.F.
8/31/2017 08:42:26 pm

Honesty. That's why I love these articles. I can hear you telling me this. I've been reading these articles since you started almost two years ago. Keep up the great work.

My daughter is older already (in her thirties) and not married because she's very heavy. She used to be only chubby, but the depression of being rejected time and time again because of a little extra fat totally destroyed her.

No excuses from me. I should have been more on top of this. Still, we are all at fault! Rabbi Ross - keep at this!

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A YI Mother
8/31/2017 08:49:30 pm

I'm a member of Young Israel, and I have something horrible to say. This is more of a problem with the very Frum families. My daughters got married even though they were a little heavy, but my nieces that are in a Yeshivish home are having tremendous issues. Am I wrong?

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Shua
8/31/2017 10:19:27 pm

Are you sure about this? I wonder if others feel the same way? If it's true, it must mean the Yeshivos are doing something wrong.

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Private
9/1/2017 01:03:03 pm

I agree! The more Frum families are definitely the ones who make a bigger issue out of weight.

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Esther
8/31/2017 09:37:51 pm

I would also add that this mother should be aware of how she talks about herself in front of her daughter. It sounds like she is very weight/image concious. Saying things like "ugh I look so fat in this outfit" or " I can't believe I ate so much- I pigged out today, whats wrong with me" can also have a negative impact on her daughter's self esteem and on the development of a healthy body image. Kids internalize the messages their parents don't realize they're sending.

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Aviva
9/1/2017 01:06:46 pm

Agreed. It's also a bad idea to ask ones husband if "I look fat?" Kids overhear and take this to heart.

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Avigayil L.
8/31/2017 10:54:06 pm

I've always wondered how parents can tell their teenagers that they are overweight. Well, forget that. Now we're telling little kids. COME ON!!!! What is your problem?! She's a kid! Let her enjoy life, without worrying about appearances.

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Shattered
8/31/2017 11:04:49 pm

Sure. All of you go crazy on this mom. I can tell you that she's not crazy. My kids are whatever they wanted. As it turns out, it's hard to stop once you start. Now I have 3 single older girls that are what you might call pleasantly plump, and going nowhere. If I could do it all over again, boy would I be strict about snacking. To this mom. Tell your daughter it stinks to be fat and alone.

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Overweight and Proud
8/31/2017 11:17:57 pm

I'm heavy. I'm healthy also. In other words I'm not morbidly obese. However, I dress nice and am clean, so being a bit heavy isn't a big issue. My sense of humor was enough to get me married, and no, I'm not wealthy nor are my parents. One little catch. I'm a man. If I was a women, I'd still be single. We're kinda dumb aren't we.

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Jason
8/31/2017 11:18:50 pm

Lol. Well said. Double standards describes us.

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Baila Rovner
9/1/2017 03:39:58 am

I completely understand what you're trying to accomplish but I don't think it'll work. From a very young age, kids are being taught that weight equals beauty. You can undo years of internet, magazine and even games.

If only it was as easy as a Shadchan changing her description.

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Chaim L.
9/1/2017 10:08:32 am

Weight is such a tricky topic. Is it about the look, or the attitude? Many heavier people are healthy and clean, but they don't have metabolisms that work as fast. Those people are fine. It's the ones that don't care about their appearances or are unhealthy. They have issues. I do think you're correct about our double standards.

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Anonymous
9/1/2017 12:57:58 pm

Many of you won't like what I'm about to write. I trust that this will stay anonymous. If a girl is fat, she needs to deal with the consequences. We all make decisions in life, and being heavy is a decision. I'm not saying it's the wrong decision, I'm saying it's her personal decision. Let's not sugarcoat the issue and say it's ok. It's not about ok or not, it's about if the guy wants a heavy girl.

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Shifra
9/1/2017 02:16:09 pm

My first response was blocked, so I'll try again. You are wrong on so many levels.

Sometimes people - not just girls- are heavier. That's the way Hashem made us. No amount of dieting will help.
The issue is that boys equate weight with beauty. That's the issue. If we could get around that, there would be no issues.

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Azriel V.
9/1/2017 02:21:22 pm

Here is my two cents. Rabbi has a very valid point, but it won't do much unless other people are on board. Mothers have to stop expecting their sons to marry the skinniest girls, and at the same time the matchmakers need to chill out.

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Pinny
9/1/2017 03:36:08 pm

I couldn't believe this mother. I can't even stomach when parents start up with their older kids about weight. Leave it alone!

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A. K.
9/2/2017 11:20:01 pm

Rabbi Ross, I cried all a Shabbos. I read your article when it was emailed, and printed it. This really struck a chord with me. I'm a horrible mother. At least that's what my daughters think. I'm always in their faces about staying skinny... but it's not because I need them to be. It's for them! How will they find their Bashert?? These days, boys are superficial and want skinny girls. Should I let me girls eat what they want??

I know I'm wrong, and I can't stop. I hate myself.

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A fat girl
9/2/2017 11:21:28 pm

I'm a heavy girl and I approve this message. Lol.

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A Brooklyn Father
9/2/2017 11:44:07 pm

I'm not sure if you realize the impact these emails have. You're bringing up an amazing point, but what will come out of this? It's like the famous story of the Rav who said he was halfway successful in colleting money for the poor people. The poor people had agreed to accept the money.

You are right. We take weight to seriously. As a previous commentator commented, it's probably worse in the very Frum areas. Now what? Really, all of us should make a big deal, but no one wants to. If we really care, that we means we're in the Parsha of Shidduchim, and at that time no one wants to start making waves.

My daughters grew up being told by my ex wife, that they were eating too much. They resented it all the time,. and begged me to stop her. It tore our family apart. I never hated her, it was her mother that caused her to obsess. She was sick.

I beg all Rabbonim. This might not be a tuition crisis, but it's also easier to solve. Help us stop objectifying women.

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Private
9/3/2017 12:58:18 pm

My daughter is chubby and she's 10. My husband and I agreed that we won't discuss weight, we would just be healthier ourselves. Hasn't been helping so far, since she usually gets snack from friends in camp and school.

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Chaviva Zedler
9/7/2017 09:49:58 pm

Does this dr make house visits? A psychologist and health guru. Sounds like a very fun mix!

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/7/2017 10:13:31 pm

I do make house calls! It's much better to see the child and or teenagers in their comfort zone and be a positive influence when hey aren't nervous that they have to "see" someone or feel like that have a problem. Sometimes I even start out with a "personal training" session and see how they are in terms of self esteem!

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Eliana Stern
9/7/2017 09:53:37 pm

Dr Schindler. Is sugar a problem because of weigh or health? If it's weight, how come so many kids are able to eat vast amounts of candy and stay so skinny? Will eating too much sugar stunt my children's growth?

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/7/2017 10:16:25 pm

No two kids are alike in any way. As a young child I felt the same way. Genetics play a big role. In any event, the source of the issue must be addressed especially if it's genetic or there is a grandparent with either diabetes or thyroid issues. It places a genetic predisposition that others done face. I have found that comparing isn't a solution and taking action in terms of healthy boundaries that work for the child is crucial. I would love to talk to you about this!

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Shevy
9/7/2017 09:59:47 pm

Your bio lists areas in the 5 Towns. I live in a small place called Brooklyn. Would you come out to use, or do we need to travel to you?

It's so confusing when it comes to eating healthy and keeping kids happy about their self image.

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/7/2017 10:17:41 pm

I do come to Brooklyn and have office hours on Sundays and evenings or even phone appointments. I will work with you!

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Sara Liba Gluck
9/7/2017 10:02:41 pm

Dr, since everyone else is asking questions, so will I. What would you say is more important, healthy eating or proper exercise. Obviously both combined is best, but if you had to choose one....

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/7/2017 10:19:01 pm

70 percent food and 30 percent exercise. That being said, we should talk and decide the right plan. That's the easiest and best route for the future.

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Private
9/7/2017 10:11:15 pm

I'm intrigued. Stomach issues? I'm guessing you can help with dietary issues. My son is constantly complaining that his stomach hurts when he eats anything remotely healthy. He insists that only bread and sugar make him feel better.

Is this possible? I thought both of these are bad for him. any ideas?

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/8/2017 11:58:36 am

Does he have and sensory issues?

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K.H.
9/7/2017 10:30:00 pm

Does anyone else realize that this doctor is super responsive? That is amazing. Do you have a website we can visit to check out the meals or other programs you do?

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/8/2017 12:00:41 pm

Sure! www.kosherchefzone.com you can also email me at any time rachaelschindler@gmail.com

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Baila R.
9/8/2017 07:26:46 am

Thanks for the professional response. I enjoyed.

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Dr. Rachael Schindler link
9/8/2017 12:01:33 pm

My pleasure! I am glad you enjoyed it!

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ZY
9/10/2017 11:59:49 pm

When are the Yeshivas going to step up and stop making it impossible for kids to remain healthy eaters. Every single one of my kids were healthier UNTIL they entered the yeshiva system. You can send your kids in with an apple when the Rebbis are giving out a steady stream of sugar. It's impossible to compete. And exercise? Go to any girls Yeshiva and you will see it's simply non existent. And the teachers are often to blame because they don't want to take the kids outside.

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Binyomin Weil
9/18/2017 10:45:24 pm

As a Registered Dietitian who works outpatient at a hospital based clinic, who works with children, I appreciate your answer. You are spot on. Focusing on weight leads to eating disorders, which is a very serious and difficult condition to treat. Unfortunately, the rate of eating disorders is believed by many experts to be higher among frum girls than the general population.The concern about eating disorders has caused the American Academy of Pediatrics to recommend that parents and health professionals should not discuss weight, but instead focus on health similar to what you recommended.
With kids, I recommend using Ellyn Satter's division of responsibility, which divides a parent's and child's responsibility with regard to food. It is the parents' responsibility to decide where, when, and what to eat and it's the child's responsibility to decide how much and whether to eat. Parents decide when and where by providing set times for meals and snacks and making meals a pleasant experience without fighting or distractions. Parents decide what to eat by providing a balanced diet that includes healthy foods like fruits and vegetables etc., but also includes "junk foods" in the right balance. Making foods forbidden only encourages kids to overeat when they get their hands on it at friend's houses or simchas, when their parents are not watching. When we include "junk food" as parts of their regular snacks or part of their meal they will naturally learn how to stop when they had enough. Kids should choose how much to eat because they are born with the natural ability to stop eating when they had enough. Just watch any toddler gobble spoon after spoon and then refuse to eat a single spoon once he/she had enough. The problems start when parents try to control a child's eating and force or restrict eating. Allowing a child to choose whether to eat something is important, because forcing a child to eat something he doesn't like causes the child to rebel and develop a stronger dislike of food. I have had many adult patients who cannot bring themselves to eat any vegetables because they were forced to eat them as a child. Instead, kids should be encouraged to taste food and allowed to spit it out if they don't like it.

Meeting with a nutritionist is a great suggestion, but it is important to go to the right one. Not all nutritionists are appropriate for children, even though they may be popular with adults. First of all, make sure the nutritionist is qualified. I might be biased, but I recommend a dietitian because to become a dietitian, it requires a college degree, Intership, and passing a rigorous exam. Whereas anybody can call themselves a nutritionist, even if they have no degree or education in nutrition. Also, there are many nutritionists adviocating diets that restrict foods based on theories that are not supported by scienctfic evidence. Adults might lose weight on these diets (although they probably will gain it back) and not suffer long term consequences, but kids will. A child on the same diet might cause nutritional deficiencies that interfere with their growth and development. In addition, as mentioned earlier, if nutrition counseling is not done carefully it can cause kids to develop an eating disorder or at the very least, an unhealthy relationship with food. Therefore, it is very important to go to a Registered Dietitian experienced with treating kids and adolescents.
Thank you for your great advice.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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