Bedtime Part I

Dear Rabbi Ross.  I have 3 children, and I’m having serious bedtime issues. My oldest is a 13-year-old girl, and she refuses to go to bed at night. The younger 2 are now following in her footsteps, and I feel like we’re losing control. I’m open to all ideas.  Shira - Brooklyn
 
It was only a matter of time before I had to respond to the bedtime question. Bedtime is such a finicky subject. There are so many variables, and it’s difficult to pinpoint the issue without knowing details of each situation. This will be another 2-part article, as I’d love to hear your input and ideas before giving a full response.

We all know that kids don’t like going to bed. Once they’re past 11 years old, they also don’t like getting out of bed. (Same deal with showers). The key to bedtime is consistency. There needs to be a specific bedtime per age group, and you must be firm about it. Once you start slipping, it will be virtually impossible to get any of your kids to bed, and it can seriously undermine your parenting in other areas.

Let’s begin by discussing recommended bedtimes. According to many doctors, children from 3-5 need an average of 10-13 hours of sleep, children 6-13 need an average of 9-11 hours, ages 14-17 need 8-10 hours. Obviously, these times can differ for every child, however, it gives us an idea of where to start.

One of the biggest problems with bedtime is the “older child syndrome.” This occurs when you have older kids who have no set bedtime, or a much later one. It’s so much more difficult to get the little ones down while the older ones are still up.

Another issue is medication. Many children take different medications to help them focus. A common side effect of these medications is insomnia, which can also contribute to bedtime battles. Thinking of giving melatonin?  According to some pediatricians, it can be helpful if used correctly and with the right child.  Giving too much melatonin will backfire, and it is also important to encourage quiet, relaxing time after they take it.  (Remember to always discuss giving any kinds of medicine or vitamins with your doctor before doing so).

The hardest part of bedtime is the sanity for the parents. I remember fondly when my little kinderlach went to bed at 6:30, and I had a few quiet hours to get stuff done. Once you have a child in middle school, and certainly high school, all bets are off.  As parents, we have two choices. We can either wait till our kids go to sleep before going to bed ourselves, or we can wish our older kids a good night and hit the sack while they’re still up.
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Part II
Let’s begin by reiterating what we discussed last week. The most important tools for bedtime are consistency and structure. Once your children understand that there is a schedule, it’ll be much easier to get them into bed. We’re talking all ages here, from toddlers through pre-teenagers.

Basically, you want to have a routine for bedtime that is rarely changed. For example, you could have your 1st grader take a shower at 6:45, be in bed with teeth brushed at 7:00, and lights out at 7:15. If you have younger kids, you might prefer to start their routine earlier, and older ones later. The goal is, your children should understand what they are expected to do, and when they need to do it.

However, I would like to share some tips with you. As always, some of these tips might work great, others, not so much.

• Electronic devices make it very difficult for kids (and adults) to sleep. The blue light messes with the body’s natural abilities to relax.
• Relaxing time should be approximately 30 minutes before bedtime. During this time your kids should not be engaged in any strenuous activities (including nerf wars, capture the flag. etc.)
• Bedtime is not an appropriate time to eat a big snack. We tell our kids “If you’re hungry after supper, eat a fruit (or string cheese, if they’re dairy)!” They should certainly brush their teeth afterwards.
• Use the “5 minute earlier” rule. If your kids are late for bedtime, their bedtime moves 5 minutes earlier the next day.  This requires a certain degree of already established organization and order, and only applies if you were attempting to help him/her, but they were not cooperating. 
• Raising your voice rarely helps calm kids down.  Bedtime can be stressful, but if you stay calm it’ll work out a lot better.
• Many parents use bedtime to cuddle/schmooze with their children.  It is a fantastic idea and guarantees to give each child in the family some one-on-one time. These are the moments that your kids will remember, and that you will treasure.  Allow your child to discuss anything they want and keep the tone positive.  (This is not necessarily a good time to bring up issues, unless it’s done in a loving manner).  If your child has a hard time expressing themselves, try taking turns talking about your day and then their day.  It provides an example of how to describe one’s day and, additionally, children are usually interested in what the parents did while they were in school.  For example, the mom can say, “Today I went shopping and bought your favorite snack.  Now it’s your turn, ‘Today, I…..’ “
• Did your daughter suddenly remember something very important that she needs to do? Well, she can wake up earlier in the morning and take care of it then.  If you give in and allow her to deal with it at bedtime, it’ll keep happening. 
• It's very important that your child says Shema before going to sleep. Many families have different customs regarding what else they say.   In any case, this is a great way to develop a love for Hashem in your children. ​
• Melatonin. I know some moms that liberally dispense it to everyone, whereas others would not touch it.  I am not a doctor, but here’s what I’ve learned. If need be, I give approximately one chewable tablet per 40 pounds, around 30 minutes before bedtime. If used correctly, the kids are certainly more relaxed. Giving a six-year-old 8 pills won’t help him fall asleep – especially if he’s playing on his iPad!  As always, check with your doctor before giving any medications or vitamins (even herbal) to your children. 
• A few parents mentioned that they played soft music while the kids were relaxing and/or reading on their beds before bedtime. 
• Noise machines were a point of contention in the emails I received. Some parents love them, but many parents say kids don’t learn how to sleep through noise if they use them. It certainly depends on your household.  If your younger children will have a hard time falling asleep and be distracted while listening to the older siblings having fun in the house late at night, it might be worthwhile.
• It's important to mention that, although it’s called the “Bedtime battle”, it should really not be a battle. You need to be assertive and in control, it’s simply not up for discussion. If you start giving in, it’ll be pretty hard to regain control.

Wishing you all a good Shabbos, and an easy fast.
YR