After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I are throwing in the towel. We’ve been to therapy session after session, and it’s no use. To make a long story short, we fell out of love. In any case, we have 4 children that we love very much, and want to do what’s best for them. They are 2 boys 11 and 8, and 2 girls 6 and 4. Should we lead a fake marriage to keep the kids stable? Is divorce a better option? We have been reading your articles for quite a while and are both impressed with your understanding of children. We would love to hear your opinion. Thank you. {Name Redacted}
I was a bit puzzled that you signed your name on this article. I took the liberty of removing it just in case one of your children (or their friends) read any of the papers that publish this column. I have deliberately abstained from discussing Shalom Bayis issues in these articles, unless they actively pertain to a question regarding Chinuch. Your question is very complicated, and I would highly suggest you and your husband speak to a competent therapist. Nonetheless, in the interest of Chinuch, I will attempt to break down the pertinent issues. One of the most important ingredients in raising an emotionally healthy child is a stable, if not loving, marriage. However, if you’re missing this component, your child can still have a wonderful and healthy childhood. It just requires a bit more effort and work. I remember hearing of a couple that pretended to have a happy marriage for their children. Legend has it that they divorced the day after their last child got married. I can’t guarantee the accuracy of that story, but it seems very odd. Fooling kids for an extended period of time isn’t as simple as you might think. They can pick up on little nuances very easily. At best, you might be able to trick them when they’re younger. On the other hand, they might grow up thinking it’s OK to be married and not treat their spouse with love and respect. Again, I would highly suggest speaking to a qualified therapist and/or a Rav. If it is truly impossible to make the marriage work and be successful, then it would seem that an amicable divorce might be a better option than a bitter home. You should let your kids know that you both love them, and will always continue to work together for them. Keep in mind that a bitter divorce can be just as detrimental to a child’s emotional well-being as living with married, yet bitter parents. Since we’re on the subject of divorce, I would like to share some comments that I’ve heard from kids over the past few years about the divorce of their parents. I have included the approximate ages of the children who related these to me. There is a tremendous amount of insight and guidance you can gather from these poignant comments. Please be aware, if you are a product of a divorced home, these might trigger unpleasant memories. “When I get bored of my wife, I guess I’ll divorce her like my dad did to my mom” – Age 8 “The worst part of having divorced parents, is that they try and turn me against each other. It just makes me respect them less!” – Age 13 “My parents always told me to talk out my issues, but they had no problem getting divorced. Hypocrites!” – Age 11 “I never knew they didn’t get along, but I knew that they didn’t love me.” - Age 12 “Yes, I know Dad doesn’t pay child support! Reminding me doesn’t make me a happier child or love you more!” - Age 15 “Even though my parents are happily divorced, they still come to all my parties and get along with each other. It makes me feel normal” - Age 11 “My parents didn’t think I heard them arguing and fighting when they were in their room. They were wrong.” - Age 8 “The best Shabbosos are when I’m at a friend’s house. It’s stress free.” - Age 11 “Thinking back, I wish my parents didn’t have those horrible custody battles. I hated my life! Why couldn’t they have asked me how I felt or what I wanted?” - Age 16 “My parents got divorced when I was 3. If they knew they hated each other, why would they have had more kids?” - Age 14 “Having divorced parents is awesome! I never get in trouble, since my mother is scared I’ll run to my Dad!” - Age 12 “The divorce was the best part. The screaming and arguing from when they were married, still echoes in my ears at night.” - Age 15 Wishing you all happiness, Shalom Bayis, and a good Shabbos, YR
30 Comments
Sara L.
11/10/2016 09:08:39 pm
Oy. What a sad article. Not what you wrote (wonderful as always), but the subject matter. It seems that divorce is so much more common these days.
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Chava G.
11/10/2016 09:11:13 pm
I cried my way through this one. What a sad question. Your answer was spot on, and I though it was funny how many times you suggested she get help.
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Shayna Kessler
11/10/2016 09:26:47 pm
Wow! As the child of a divorce, those comments blew me away. I agree with you 100%! Get divorced and let your child heal. Rabbi Ross, you write an amazing article every week.
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David
11/10/2016 09:37:01 pm
This article blew me away. Maybe, we need to start rethinking the dating scene. There are far too many divorces.
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Sheri
11/10/2016 09:45:23 pm
Thank you for this Rabbi Ross It certainly is eye-opening to hear the quotes of the children Very poignant
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Faigy
11/10/2016 09:49:10 pm
There are no words to describe my emotions. I have the same question. My Rav refers me to a therapist who charges me a fortune and does not help.
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Rabbi Ross
11/10/2016 09:49:55 pm
Please contact me via the contact page, and I'll get you the name of a qualified therapist.
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Private
11/10/2016 09:56:39 pm
Kudos to you for taking on this question. Most people are scared of a backlash for talking about divorce. You did a great job as usual. When are you speaking next in Queens?
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A.M.
11/10/2016 09:58:55 pm
My husband is a horrible person. I mean that with all the love I can muster. The reason I'm still married to him, is because he treats the kids well, and treats me well when the kids are around. If I got divorced my kids would blame me. I can't see the screen because of my tears. If my mother knew what was going on. She warned me before we got married.
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Dov S.
11/10/2016 10:03:34 pm
My parents got divorced because they "Didn't have that spark." I was so sickened when I heard that. You'll wreck my life because you lost your spark?! They weren't even fighting in front of us. So selfish.
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Rabbi Ross
11/10/2016 10:04:47 pm
Dov. I cannot approve comments that might be Lashon Hara or have inappropriate language.
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Et
11/10/2016 10:06:40 pm
First I want to say that your articles are amazing. Second, reading those comments from children are really scary. So sad. Kids really do pick up on everything.
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Leah Rosenberg
11/10/2016 10:08:25 pm
I have chills going down my back from these comments and the article. You really reply wonderfully to every email - Tovo Alecha Bracha! The comment about child support? That's going straight to my best friend's mom. All day long we heard her saying "Well if you father helped out..." My friend HATED it.
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Chaviva Zedler
11/10/2016 10:12:41 pm
Oh my goodness! What an article! I remember my friend coming to us for Shabbos during her parent's divorce. I never know what to say, so I asked her If I can do anything. She told me "Keep me here". Never forgot that. My hands are shaking reading these comments.
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No Name Please
11/10/2016 10:21:03 pm
Since we're all sharing, allow me. Yes, my dad was a deadbeat. we always hated him since he dressed so cool, but never helped out. My mother put him down day in and day out. Turns out, he WAS paying support, and only didn't argue because he didn't want to mess up our relationship with our mother.
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Chaya Mushka
11/10/2016 10:27:56 pm
My goodness. There are some serious emotions bubbling over. I hope that any of you that are divorced are gaining from it, not just skimming through it while feeling bad for yourself. Rabbi Ross is saying that children from a divorce CAN be ok, they just need love. Your children's emotions are important also. Be mevater if possible.
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Hadassah F.
11/10/2016 10:31:09 pm
I read and reread. I sent it to my parents. They'll be upset at me, but they should read the comments. They think that we were ok with everything, but we weren't.
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B.A.R
11/10/2016 10:42:48 pm
Out of this amazing email, one sentence was key. White driving my kids home, I stopped at a light and saw the email. I read it but stopped when I saw the warning about triggering memories.
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Rabbi Ross
11/10/2016 11:28:59 pm
I cannot condone reading emails while driving. Even at a red light.
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Moshe K.
11/10/2016 10:55:29 pm
At first I was thinking, why is this on a parenting blog. I realize now how important this is for kids. Someone should share this on social media. In any case, my parents had a simple divorce. They had a working relationship and we managed.
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Rabbi Ross
11/10/2016 10:58:12 pm
Meaningful Quote. I appreciated it.
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Yisrael L.
11/10/2016 11:20:28 pm
Where should I start? Thank you for this article. Thank you for giving these kids a voice. My wife and I are divorced, but I didn't want to. She had her reasons. I begged her to stay together for the kids, but she refused.
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Rachel
11/10/2016 11:27:49 pm
As tears pour down my face, I have one thought to add.
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Yaakov Aryeh
11/11/2016 12:13:47 am
Whoa! It seems like you are alright with her getting divorced. This is wrong! When you're in a bad marriage, just grin and bear it! Otherwise kids suffer! The comments prove what I'm saying! Please don't use my last name.
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Rabbi Ross
11/11/2016 12:19:31 am
Yaakov. The reason the Torah discusses divorce, is because it's an option. While I agree that it should not be a quick fix, it's certainly something to think about when all else has failed.
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Ariella
11/11/2016 12:38:41 am
A painful but worthwhile email. Some of the quotes really hurt. I especially enjoyed the one about the kid not getting into trouble. It seems he was saying, "I wish my mom would have disciplined me more often." Can't get over this one.
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Yechiel Menser
11/11/2016 07:15:06 am
I read this email a few times. I've enjoyed them all, but this one resonated. My mother always told me that her parents hgetting divorce made a part of her die.
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Chanie
11/11/2016 08:19:06 am
As many other readers have expressed, I am crying as I read this article. I wish my parents could have read this, but they aren't around anymore. Sometimes when I go to the cemetery, I find myself sobbing and saying "Why couldn't you have divorced and spared us from the non-stop yelling". My siblings and I might have been affected by a divorce, but that would have been better then being traumatized by the war. Rabbi Ross. Keep these coming. They're so helpful.
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R.W.
11/11/2016 08:44:33 am
My husband and I needed to read this article. Thank you.
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Azriel
11/11/2016 10:56:05 am
Another issue with staying married, is that you feel that you're wonderful parents and doing so much for your children. You're not. Rather take the time you're "investing" in the sham of the marriage, and put it towards the kids.
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AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
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