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Music Part I

8/25/2016

16 Comments

 
Dear Rabbi Ross.  Over the past few months, you have helped so many parents with all types of problems. We decided to add a fun one to the mix. Our oldest son (NAME REDACTED) is 14 years old, and he’s a sweet and well behaved mentsch. Recently, he has started listening to non-Jewish music, and it’s driving us crazy.  The lyrics are inappropriate, the singers are disgusting role models, when the girls sing it’s Kol Isha, and the weirdest part is, it sounds horrible. We are worried, not only for our son, but for the younger ones as well. Should we stop this? If so, what’s the best way? Thanks in advance.   A & C Lesser - Brooklyn

It was just a few years ago that I was relaxing and listening to the Beatles and Abba’s greatest hits. Non-Jewish music used to be much simpler and safer.  I agree with your opinion that non-Jewish “music” these days is just horrible. As a musician, I try to be open minded about all types and genres of music, but every once in a while, there are times when I cringe even when I hear certain “Jewish songs.” 

Then again, I’m sure many people felt the same way when the Beatles came out.  Music is a funny subject, as it is constantly evolving. It seems that children have a way of developing tastes in music that drive parents crazy. In any case, it seems from your question that more than one thing is bothering you. Not only are you bothered by his choice of music, but the religious aspect concerns you as well.

It’s important to understand that every family is different when it comes to music. There are some very Yeshivish families that only listen to Jewish music, and there are modern families that couldn’t care less. There are even some families, that disapprove of the more “upbeat” Jewish songs which often sound like (or imitate) secular music! You son might come from a Yeshivish family, but if his friends listen to other types of music, it won’t be long until he gets hooked as well.

In any case, it’s much easier to figure things out if you separate the issues. Let’s start with the religious part.  There are different opinions as to whether listening to women sing from a recording is prohibited. There are many variables involved, and as always, you should let your son ask the Rav of your shul.  Telling your children, “You shouldn’t be listening to this type of music and it’s Halachically wrong”, is not a very good idea. It just causes resentment for Yiddishkeit.

Incidentally, the above holds true for many other things. If your children are doing something you don’t approve of, feel free to discuss it with them. Don’t make everything into a religious issue, otherwise your children might associate Yiddishkeit with negativity.

Instead of giving solutions or ideas this week, let’s try and fully understand the problem. There is a certain appeal that non-Jewish music holds over all children. It’s fun, original, and is in English. Yes, there are fun Jewish songs, and some are in English, but originality isn’t one of our stronger points these days. As one of my non-Jewish friends told me, “90% of Jewish music sounds the same.”

A very popular Jewish producer told me, “Every singer asks me to make their music different.” Our music is supposed to be Heartzig! It’s supposed to have a special “Ta’am” or flavor.  We’re trying too hard to imitate non-Jewish music, and ironically, it’s causing more children to stop listening.  End of rant.

Here are some things to think about:
  1. Are you wondering how kids learn about these songs? In many cases, kids that come from a more “modern background” listen to a fun song at home, and convince their friends in school to listen.
  2. Many of the songs glorify violence or disobedience.  Although some studies show that there is no direct effect, these studies are usually conducted by the music industry.  (That’s like having kids do a survey about the importance of school!)
  3. The music videos that accompany these songs are usually highly inappropriate. It goes without saying that children should not have free access to the internet which might allow them to look up and view the music videos online.   
  4. When one child gets hooked on non-Jewish music, it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the siblings do.
  5. Many of these songs contain inappropriate words or verses. When kids get used to hearing them, they will begin to use them.
  6. Telling your children not to listen only makes it more exciting.
Next week we will discuss some great ways to confront this issue, or possibly when to let it slide. If you have any ideas, please comment below or email me, so I can include them in next week’s article.
 
Have a wonderful Shabbos.
 
YR
 
 
16 Comments
David
8/25/2016 08:51:54 pm

I cannot wait until next week's article. This is a huge problem that we're facing, and the new types of "Jewish" music don't help matters.

Reply
Elisheva B.
8/25/2016 08:53:12 pm

I've been waiting for this article for weeks. I also sent an e-email about this. I wish parents were more aware of the dangers on inappropriate music.

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Chanie
8/25/2016 08:54:19 pm

The funniest email yet. "End of rant!" lol. I really enjoyed this article. looking forward to next week!

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Chedva Weiner
8/25/2016 08:56:44 pm

It would be great if the local Yeshivos would address this issue as well. Maybe tell parents to be more vigilant.

Reply
On Medicare
8/25/2016 10:18:51 pm

It may be a mistake to address issues that one will not win-especially when R"L the cost of making an issue out of a comparatively minor matter can increase the odds of a child leaving yiddishkeit altogether. Your real goal is that a generation from now your child will be a mench who is oved hashem. It may not be worth it to fight or make an issue out of everything.

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Sruli L.
8/25/2016 09:07:36 pm

What a fantastic article! I as well feel that Jewish music is leading us the wrong way. When Abie Rottenberg sang YES WE'VE GOT THE MUSIC, I'm not sure he meant to include all this.

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Ariella
8/25/2016 09:32:05 pm

I had this with my son. He came home one day listening to some horrible lyrics that he heard from a friends, and he wanted me to buy him the album. It took forever to distract him.

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Chaim Dov
8/25/2016 10:02:32 pm

My solution is to introduce my kids to my type of music. They listen to Sinatra and the like, and I tell them how cool they are. Maybe it'll spread with the other kids!

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Private
8/25/2016 10:03:45 pm

I was going to send a similar email. I worry all the time what habits my kids are picking up from these songs. Very cute this week.

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On Medicare
8/25/2016 10:15:00 pm

I was approximately your sons age when the Beatles first became known in America-the more traditional people were opposed to them. It is certainly better if the music that your son wishes to listen to were not a possibility but one must consider seriously is it worth the fight.
Not everything is worth fighting about. As at least one leading gadol would say the most important thing is to know when to fight and when not to fight. Not everything is yehareg val yaavor. Remember mayin genuvim mumtakim.

Reply
Shayna Liedman
8/25/2016 10:38:14 pm

First of all, I really enjoyed this article. I never know if the article will be funny or not, but I always now it'll be accurate, My husband really thinks Jewish Music is tanking, and that's the reason for the issues we have.

My kids are free to listen to any music they want as long as it's appropriate. I'm not sure how I would react if they didn't listen to me.

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Private
8/25/2016 10:39:06 pm

Wonderfully written e-mail. Thank you and looking forward to next week's answers. I share with my grandchildren.

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Chaya Mushka
8/25/2016 10:42:15 pm

Music is the key to our Neshama. We need to be just as careful in regards to what they listen to as we are to what they eat.

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Debbie F.
8/25/2016 11:00:35 pm

Thank you for these amazing e-mails. I read them religiously, and love the fact that you combine common sense and a Toradik vibe,

regarding your request for thoughts, it's really simple in my opinion. Give your kids an MP3, with the understanding that they can only put specific music on it. This empowers them but gives you the control.

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Eli S.
8/26/2016 05:08:03 am

Music is one of those topics that really get me going. We need to make a differentiation between the types of non Jewish music. Some is ok, some is horrible. I guess it's like Jewish music.

Parents can train their kids to enjoy specific music types by playing those types out loud in the house.

Reply
Avraham Reese
8/26/2016 09:20:56 am

This isn't a new problem. 15 years ago, kids were listening to rap. There were even Jewish rap singers like black hatitude. I believe the trick is to ignore and give better options.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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