Pesach Cleaning & More

 
Dear Rabbi Ross. I’ve become my mother. In many ways that’s a wonderful thing, but I’m talking about my obsession with Pesach cleaning. I’ve found myself getting aggravated with my five children on a daily basis since Purim ended, and I can’t stop. They bring Chometz all over the place, and don’t seem to take the cleaning seriously. I’m confused as to the proper approach. How can I convince my children to get more involved in the cleaning, and be more careful as Pesach approaches? Confused Mom – Far Rockaway.

Whenever people tell me that Pesach is an eight-day Yom tov, I laugh. It’s simply not true. Pesach is at least a month long in most households. As you pointed out so eloquently, once Purim ends, Pesach begins. For parents, it’s about using up all the Chometz and beginning the cleaning process. Children tend to have a slightly different view.  As a 4th grade boy told me last year, “After Purim is when the yelling begins.”

I would like to share a story that happened very recently, that really shook me to the core. A boy who is in 2nd grade won a donut from his Rebbe on Sunday. He had answered a very difficult question in class and was on cloud nine. When his mother came for pickup, he ran over with his donut and a huge smile. Before he could explain, his mother let him have it. “Don’t you THINK about bringing that into our car! We just had it cleaned, and I told you this ten times already!”

The spark from his eyes faded more with each word, and when she was done with her rant he was silent. He dropped the donut into the garbage and went into the “Kosher for Pesach” car.  As sad as this sounds, it happens all the time. It seems that many of us have lost sight about what Pesach really means. It’s about the kids. We are being handed an opportunity to teach our children about our history and it’s supposed to be an amazing experience.

I heard the following quote a few times. Some have attributed it to the Bostoner Rebbetzin, some to a Rav in Europe. “Don’t make Purim so Sameach that it’s not kosher, and don’t make Pesach so kosher that it’s not Sameach.” How do you know when you’re overdoing it? It’s not so simple. There are times you need to give your kids extra chores, and that’s okay. It’s also OK to be a little stressed at times. The issue becomes when you change your personality and become obsessive about things that aren’t so important.

I can’t answer your question about what to do since every family is different. Some children are naturally inclined to chip in, others complain at every opportunity. You just need to keep in mind that cleaning and preparing for Pesach isn’t an excuse to stop being a good mother.  As Pesach approaches, be sure that your children are excited for Yom Tov and all of its many special minhagim and mitzvos, rather than be stressed about the cleaning for Chametz.
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On another topic, last year I shared some fun Seder hints. Although I modified them somewhat for this year, the concepts are still the same. Enjoy!

1. It’s a great idea to have your younger ones take a nap on Erev Pesach. It won’t work if they’re all hyper, so giving them a book to read, and calling it “relaxing time”, might help. Kids don’t enjoy the Seder as much (and neither will you) when they’re overtired.
2. If your child has a Haggada from school, take it away when they come home. Give it to them at the Seder, so they have something to entertain and occupy themselves with.
3. While keeping proper Shiurim is very important, it might be a good idea to consult with your Rav before arguing with your 11-year-old about how much Matzah she ate.
4. Last year I gave out points to my kids – physical cards that I printed with points on them. They earned them for participation and behavior, amongst other things. The winners would go to a Mets game. Turns out that was more of a punishment. And I’m a Mets fan!  I still think it was a success, and I’ll be repeating the contest this year, albeit with a better variety of prizes.
5. Putting on skits with your spouse is always fun. You can even make teams and see who can act out the story accurately. Sometimes, pairing off an adult with a child can make it more fun. This might be a bad idea if you or your spouse are fiercely competitive.
6. A good question is better than a good answer.  If your children ask a question, you don’t need to answer it right away. Simply say, “That’s a great question – can you come up with an answer yourself?”  It makes them feel great and occupies them as well.
7. Try and keep everything age-appropriate, if possible.  Five-year-old children will not sit through Maggid, and fourteen-year-olds may not want to sing Dayenu.
8. You and your spouse can take turns going ahead in Maggid, while the other one engages the kids in fun discussions.
9. Seating arguments? Who has the better pillow? It’s not worth getting aggravated.  This special night only happens twice a year.  Do your very best to keep all the kids happy – even if they’re not being reasonable.
10. Try and be as prepared as possible to make everything seem more exciting.  Once they are waiting for the Matzah or Marror to be measured, they start to lose interest.
11. If you have age discrepancies, for example a fourteen-year-old and a five-year-old, it might be hard to find common ground.  In this case, try splitting the table up.  You can talk about Pharaoh to the younger one while your spouse listens to the Divrei Torah.
12. Having a long Seder for younger kids seems silly. The whole point of the Seder is to pique and maintain the interest of the children.  Why would you want to have a five-hour Seder?  Keep it moving.  Whereas there is no magic number, 2 ½ -3 hours is more than enough for younger kids.
13. When Yachatz arrives, it’s Afikomen time. Break the Matza and let your children hide it. When it comes time for tzafun, you have to find it. Don’t use the word “steal”. We don’t want to condone stealing of any sort.
14. Rewarding the kids for questions and answers is a fantastic idea.  Some parents give a small treat after their child has recited the Ma Nishtana. If you’re using food, try to stay away from candies, which will only hype up the kids. The end result will be a few overtired and extremely hyperactive kids moving around their chairs at supersonic speeds while asking, “Are we there yet?”
15. There’s a reason why children should not be drinking alcoholic beverages.  It’s not safe. I don’t even think it’s a good idea to pretend to give them alcohol (putting grape juice in the wine bottle).  Rather, give them a little bit on the bottom of their cups, and tell them when you they’re older, they can have a bit more.
16. This one is for the dads. Most of the women I know are frantically preparing for Yom Tov by shopping, cooking, cleaning, shopping, cooking, watching kids and shopping.  (When I say shopping, I’m not talking shoe shopping online. I’m talking about going to a supermarket with ten thousand other people, parking a mile away, and fighting for the last container of tomato sauce while simultaneously watching the three younger ones.)  The Seder night is their chance to sit back and enjoy.  Yes, we certainly want the kids to enjoy.  However, we can impart a great lesson if we tell the kids, “Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s help clean the table or serve, so Mommy can also enjoy seder night!” 

 
Wishing you and your family a wonderful and meaningful Pesach. This year in Yerushalayim!
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YR