Spouse with a Temper

Dear Rabbi Ross. Like many other people, I have been reading your column for a few years.  There are times that I disagree with your thoughts, but by and large I like to think we’re on the same page. My question concerns my husband. He has a horrible temper, and frequently says or does things that are, to say the least, regrettable. We have four wonderful children, and although the oldest is only eleven, I worry about what will happen to them. Will they also develop his temper? Will they blame me for not intervening on their behalf? I really can’t stop him when he’s out of control.  L. S. – Flatbush

I usually respond privately to these types of emails. Unfortunately, I have recently received a couple of similar questions and that is one of the criteria I use in selecting which e-mails to respond to in my weekly article. Therefore, somewhat against my better judgment, I’m going to reply to this question publicly.

Your email, like all the other ones on this topic, is missing a lot of crucial information. Nonetheless, I’m imagining that your spouse is a normal, fun person until something sets him off. I’m saying “him”, but it could also be the mother with the temper. However, in the interest of keeping this as simple as possible, let’s keep this about the husband.

First and foremost, you didn’t write what he does when he gets angry. If you ever feel that you’re in danger, you need to call Shalom Task Force at 888-883-2323. It’s completely confidential, and they can help you. There is no excuse for violence or abuse. This is the one time that I won’t suggest that you call your Rav. If you don’t get the help you need, you’re not only risking your own life, but the lives of your children!

As I’ve mentioned a few times over the years, I’m not a psychologist. I’m not sure how to deal with him or what to say to him. I would think that any discussion you have with him should be when he’s in a good mood and not feeling threatened. Then again, the real question is, does he want to change?  The reason I ask, is because children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. If he doesn’t really try working on himself, it won’t be very helpful. I have seen parents apologize for yelling, but then they yell again a day later. Your children see right through this.

You asked, “Will they also develop his temper?” Most children that have tempers begin to display them at a younger age. If your children are already anywhere from seven and up, maybe you got lucky and your children were not affected yet. However, I’m guessing that they will end up being affected one way or another. Here are my thoughts about what you can and cannot do.

1. I highly recommend that either both of you, or at the very least he alone, should seek professional help. This is not a case in which you would speak to a Rabbi, although your Rav might be able to assist in finding a qualified therapist.
2. You cannot apologize for your husband’s behavior. If your husband acts in a way that’s not appropriate, he needs to tell the children, “I shouldn’t have said or done that.”
3. Try to prevent him from getting into these situations. For example, if he flies off the handle when one of the kids fails a test, just don’t tell him that anyone failed.  
4. The fact that you are worried about what can possibly happen to them if you don’t intervene, is very worrisome. If he is acting physically towards them, you certainly must protect them in whatever way is possible. If it’s verbal abuse (e.g., yelling or threatening), you can simply remove them from the situation. Again, I can’t give specifics since each situation is different, but this is something that a therapist can help with.
5. You used the word “frequently.” Does that mean once a week? If so, then you must get help now. If it’s once every few months, it’s a little easier to deal with.
6. I would suggest having your kids evaluated by a therapist as well. Sometimes a child can seem happy, but underneath there can be serious issues. You might not necessarily be able to notice this, but a trained therapist might be able to diagnose it and help.
7. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s quite likely your children will also blame you when they’re older. I have encountered situations like this quite a few times. The children get older and remove both parents from their lives. The father, because he terrified them, and the mother, because she didn’t help them.
8. This next suggestion is a dangerous one. I wouldn’t recommend doing this unless you are sure it’s a good idea. When your husband is flipping out, record him using audio. When he’s calmed down, let him listen to what it sounds like. That can sometimes help people realize that they need help.

Obviously, you should only follow the recommendations that pertain to your situation. I strongly urge you to seek advice from a trained professional, as this is a serious issue. I hope and pray that everything works out for you and your family.

Have a good Shabbos.
YR