Teenagers and their devices

I’ve been reading your e-mails for quite some time now. I’ve noticed that most questions are regarding younger children. Although I have a few younger ones, my question is concerning my 11th grader. He goes to Yeshiva very early in the AM and comes back late at night. When he arrives home, he immerses himself in his phone and the computer. It’s all filtered, but all he does is play fantasy ball (still don’t know that that means). I know he needs down time, but I want him to be a real person and not live in fantasy land. My husband is a Rav, and he feels my son should be spending more time learning at home. We were wondering if you would answer a question about teenagers, and if so what your thoughts are. Please keep my name and location private. Private – No Location

First of all, thanks for reading. I have answered questions about older kids, but I try to focus on questions that seem to have a common denominator. This is why most of the questions I reply to are somewhat short (yours is the longest I’ve ever answered). Anything that’s too specific is usually not generalized enough to respond to in a public forum.

Many of my articles tend to deal with questions and responses that can help a wider spectrum of parental concerns, rather than being too specific.  A majority of the emails I receive concern younger children.  Your question, however, is certainly an issue which we encounter in many families, across many communities. 
 
First and foremost, you are not alone. I recently spoke to a Chassidishe father who lives in Williamsburg, and he has the same problem.  He told me that he would never admit it publicly, since his kids are not supposed to have smart phones or internet access. However, in his own words, “I fear that my teenagers are relying on electronic devices for companionship.”

Let’s start off by empathizing with your son. He spends over twelve hours in Yeshiva and he needs some downtime. These days, children associate electronics with relaxation, and it makes sense. Many adults “Chill out” by watching a video, playing a word game or even reading an ebook. It’s only natural that children feel the same way. There’s no denying that he needs some time to relax, and this will help him unwind.

This leaves us with two important questions.

1. Is it bad for your son to be on his phone all night?
2. Is there anything you can, and perhaps should, do about it?

To answer the first question, I’m sure it’s not the best outlet, but it’s certainly not the worst either (as long as the phone is filtered). I’m wondering what you expect your son to do when he gets home. Do you want him to sit with you and talk about his day? And if he did, how long would this conversation take?  In other words, you need to have a plan of action before bringing anything up.  I’m assuming he doesn’t have a bed time, so what do you want him to do with the rest of his time?  Yes, there’s reading and listening to music, but just as many adults use their phones for unwinding, the teenagers would like to as well.

Regarding what your husband wants, I don’t think that’s something that’s even worth discussing, since there are so many variables involved. (What’s your son’s relationship with his father?  Does he want to learn extra? Does your husband put too much pressure on him?) Let’s skip this part of the equation and focus on what your expectations are. You aren’t happy with what he’s doing, but do you have any other suggestions?

Which brings us to the second question. What can you do about it?  Here are my thoughts. As I’ve written many times, many of these will not work. You need to know what’s appropriate for your situation and your child.

1. Do be honest with him. He’s not a 6-year-old that you can use reverse psychology on. Tell him that you’re not thrilled with the constant need for electronics as a method of relaxation.
2. Do empathize with him. “I understand you need some time to yourself after a long day of Yeshiva.”
3. Do limit his time every day.  An example is, he can use his phone or computer an hour a day. It could be one hour straight or two 30-minute blocks.  Once his hour is up, he can’t even send texts or WhatsApp. It must be put in a public place and left alone.
4. Do limit the amount of time you and your husband are on your phones. It seems hypocritical to children that parents say to stay off devices, and then they run when it vibrates. It’s hard for them to comprehend why your text is more important than theirs.
5. Do insist that when your children are at the dinner table, or even having a snack, they cannot have their phones. This is always a great time to talk. If your son is in the mood for a snack at 9:00 at night, so be it.  Let him talk with you about his day.
6. Don’t make it about you. Comments like, “I would like to spend time with my son”, seem selfish and are unnecessary. It’s not about you.
7. Don’t make threats that you won’t follow through on. “I will take away all your devices”, might make you feel better, but you probably won’t do that.
8. Don’t text your kids if you can talk face to face. Texting “Dinner is ready” might seem cute, but it validates that texting is an appropriate form of communication for family.
9. Don’t tell your son that you “know many families where they’re not allowed to use devices during the week”, since he can spin it around and tell you that many boys have it with them all the time. Keep the conversation only about your family and your rules.

If your son begins telling you he’s bored, you need to become firm.  The “I’m bored” line is appropriate for younger kids. You can tell your son, that if he uses that line, it shows a serious lack of maturity and it might be time to re-evaluate certain freedoms he’s been receiving.  He can get a job, do school work, read or practice an instrument. You shouldn’t need to prepare activities for a 17-year-old boy.
​
Have a wonderful Shabbos.
YR