Rabbi Ross. I know this may be a hard topic for you to discuss, but I would love to get your perspective. My son is in REDACTED grade, in REDACTED YESHIVA, and he’s having a waste of a year. It’s not that his Rebbe is doing a bad job, I just feel they’re not connecting this year. My son is going through the motions. He Davens and does OK in class, but I feel like he’s not gaining in Yiddishkeit. Call it mother’s intuition. Is there something I can do? Signed: REDACTED
I apologize for redacting so much in this email, but a lot of the information needed to be kept private. Your question is a very good one and is shared by many other mothers. I am not saying that fathers don’t feel that way, but mothers have a special understanding about their children, and can usually pick up the little vibes that the child is giving off. I know what you’re talking about. Your son doesn’t have that excitement that we dream about for our children. He doesn’t ever come home talking about what happened in class, or something special that he learned that day. He does his work like a robot, getting decent grades and participating just enough to get himself through the year. As a parent, this is so hard to watch. It’s even more difficult if your son had a great connection the year before. In a way it feels like he’s regressing, and you’re watching helplessly. The good news is, there is something you can do. Like everything else in life, there are no quick fixes. However, in many cases, this can be helped to some degree. I don’t think you’ll be able to completely change it around, but you can certainly alleviate the problem somewhat, and make the year a bit more exciting. The first thing you need to do, is meet with the Rebbe. This shouldn’t be a phone call or an email. You need to meet in person, and preferably with your spouse. If the Rebbe asks what the meeting is about, you should tell him, “My son’s future”. You don’t need, or even necessarily want, any administration at the meeting. In some Yeshivos, the administration will offer to come. You can simply tell them, “I would like to straighten out the issue with the Rebbe before involving administration, if possible.” The tone of the meeting is very important. You don’t want the Rebbe to be on the defensive. You’re simply trying to ascertain what you can all do to give your son the excitement that he craves. Don’t focus on, or even bring up, how amazing the last year was, it’s not relevant. You want to discuss what can be done to make this year more meaningful. Let the Rebbe know what he likes and dislikes. Who his friends are, and which boys he’s not as comfortable with. Hopefully, this will help out. If not, you need to have a discussion with the Menahel. Again, you need to make clear that this isn’t a personal attack on the Rebbe. Your job as a mother is to look out for your child. Rabbi Herzberg Z”L used to always reiterate that every Yeshiva has certain responsibilities. One of them is to make sure that any mother who’s worried for her child has a voice. Explain to the Menahel why you think your son is not as motivated as he had been. Give him as much information as possible. There are many times that the Menahel will have a solution that you didn’t even think of. Their job description includes coming up with solutions for issues like this, and it’s a smart move to hear him out. He might ask for a few days to think about it, which is fine. You need to understand that he’s on your side and is looking out for your son’s best interest. If you still feel that it’s not resolved, you need to take a step back. Is it worth making this into a big issue, if your son is still learning well? It might not be. If the Menahel feels that you should let it go for the year, or give it a few more weeks, that’s okay. If, however, you feel that it’s going to have a serious affect on him, then you should get in touch with your Rav and ask for his guidance. There are a few other things I would like to share on this subject. We’re very quick to blame the Rebbe for a boy not being motivated. There are many other things that can cause a boy to become withdrawn. Sometimes, having him speak to a qualified therapist is a good idea. Just because there is a parallel class doesn’t mean he should switch to it. Frequently, this causes more harm than good, and it also teaches your child that if there’s a problem, he can always just move away, rather than confront it. That’s not a great life lesson. Having an older boy in the neighborhood mentor your son is a great idea. Find a boy that your son looks up to. Make sure this boy is a good role model. It shouldn’t be too expensive, and it can really help reignite the spark. You should not discuss this problem with other parents in the class. This usually becomes a “Rebbe- bashing symposium” and is Loshon Hara. Certainly, this should not go on a chat. Writing, “Does anyone else find that their son is missing an excitement about Yiddishkeit?” is a huge mistake and will hurt a lot of people. This might sound clichéd, but Daven a little extra for this child. Sometimes, kids also fall into a rut, and need an extra push. Davening for them is a great way to help. Lastly, it’s okay to have a mommy/son afternoon, even during school. It shouldn’t be a common occurrence, and it should not include serious discussions. You’re just letting him know that you love him. Wishing you Hatzlacha. YR Rabbi Ross. I know this may be a hard topic for you to discuss, but I would love to get your perspective. My son is in REDACTED grade, in REDACTED YESHIVA, and he’s having a waste of a year. It’s not that his Rebbe is doing a bad job, I just feel they’re not connecting this year. My son is going through the motions. He Davens and does OK in class, but I feel like he’s not gaining in Yiddishkeit. Call it mother’s intuition. Is there something I can do? Signed: REDACTED I apologize for redacting so much in this email, but a lot of the information needed to be kept private. Your question is a very good one and is shared by many other mothers. I am not saying that fathers don’t feel that way, but mothers have a special understanding about their children, and can usually pick up the little vibes that the child is giving off. I know what you’re talking about. Your son doesn’t have that excitement that we dream about for our children. He doesn’t ever come home talking about what happened in class, or something special that he learned that day. He does his work like a robot, getting decent grades and participating just enough to get himself through the year. As a parent, this is so hard to watch. It’s even more difficult if your son had a great connection the year before. In a way it feels like he’s regressing, and you’re watching helplessly. The good news is, there is something you can do. Like everything else in life, there are no quick fixes. However, in many cases, this can be helped to some degree. I don’t think you’ll be able to completely change it around, but you can certainly alleviate the problem somewhat, and make the year a bit more exciting. The first thing you need to do, is meet with the Rebbe. This shouldn’t be a phone call or an email. You need to meet in person, and preferably with your spouse. If the Rebbe asks what the meeting is about, you should tell him, “My son’s future”. You don’t need, or even necessarily want, any administration at the meeting. In some Yeshivos, the administration will offer to come. You can simply tell them, “I would like to straighten out the issue with the Rebbe before involving administration, if possible.” The tone of the meeting is vey important. You don’t want the Rebbe to be on the defensive. You’re simply trying to ascertain what you can all do to give your son the excitement that he craves. Don’t focus on, or even bring up, how amazing the last year was, it’s not relevant. You want to discuss what can be done to make this year more meaningful. Let the Rebbe know what he likes and dislikes. Who his friends are, and which boys he’s not as comfortable with. Hopefully, this will help out. If not, you need to have a discussion with the Menahel. Again, you need to make clear that this isn’t a personal attack on the Rebbe. Your job as a mother is to look out for your child. Rabbi Herzberg Z”L used to always reiterate that every Yeshiva has certain responsibilities. One of them is to make sure that any mother who’s worried for her child has a voice. Explain to the Menahel why you think your son is not as motivated as he had been. Give him as much information as possible. There are many times that the Menahel will have a solution that you didn’t even think of. Their job description includes coming up with solutions for issues like this, and it’s a smart move to hear him out. He might ask for a few days to think about it, which is fine. You need to understand that he’s on your side and is looking out for your son’s best interest. If you still feel that it’s not resolved, you need to take a step back. Is it worth making this into a big issue, if your son is still learning well? It might not be. If the Menahel feels that you should let it go for the year, or give it a few more weeks, that’s okay. If, however, you feel that it’s going to have a serious affect on him, then you should get in touch with your Rav and ask for his guidance. There are a few other things I would like to share on this subject. We’re very quick to blame the Rebbe for a boy not being motivated. There are many other things that can cause a boy to become withdrawn. Sometimes, having him speak to a qualified therapist is a good idea. Just because there is a parallel class doesn’t mean he should switch to it. Frequently, this causes more harm than good, and it also teaches your child that if there’s a problem, he can always just move away, rather than confront it. That’s not a great life lesson. Having an older boy in the neighborhood mentor your son is a great idea. Find a boy that your son looks up to. Make sure this boy is a good role model. It shouldn’t be too expensive, and it can really help reignite the spark. You should not discuss this problem with other parents in the class. This usually becomes a “Rebbe- bashing symposium” and is Loshon Hara. Certainly, this should not go on a chat. Writing, “Does anyone else find that their son is missing an excitement about Yiddishkeit?” is a huge mistake and will hurt a lot of people. This might sound clichéd, but Daven a little extra for this child. Sometimes, kids also fall into a rut, and need an extra push. Davening for them is a great way to help. Lastly, it’s okay to have a mommy/son afternoon, even during school. It shouldn’t be a common occurrence, and it should not include serious discussions. You’re just letting him know that you love him. Wishing you Hatzlacha. YR
2 Comments
Rabbi Ross. My boys have fallen prey to a game called fortnight. I’m not sure what the game is, but they are always playing, and they insist that all of their friends are also. Oddly enough, they’re kind of right. When I called other parents, they seemed helpless in the face of this game. I don’t want to be the bad mother, but I think my children need to stop playing. What should we do? Chaya - Flatbush
Yes, I’ve heard of Fortnite. It’s a video game that many people play, and it works on PlayStation, Xbox, Windows, Mac, iPhones and even Android phones. Before we discuss your issue, I want to explain something. The first mistake that many parents make, is not understanding the games their children play. Would you let your child hang out with a friend that you’ve never heard of? Would you send your child to a playgroup without vetting it properly? Of course not! I’m not sure how parents could just allow kids to play any game without checking into it. One father told me, “If so many kids are playing, it’s probably ok.” That’s ridiculous! I know of a family that allowed their children unrestricted access to the game Clash of Clans. A few weeks later, they found out that their kids were talking with other players in a chat room of some sort. I saw a transcript of the conversation, and it’s the type of thing parents have nightmares about. Let this be a lesson to all parents. Before allowing your children to play any game, make sure that you understand it yourself. If you are incapable, ask someone who does understand the game. Let’s get back to Fortnite. This is a game that pits players against other players. There are treasures, surprises, rewards, and many other concepts that appeal not only to children but even to many adults. It’s a game with a lot of violence, although it’s less gory than similar games, and it has more of a cartoonish vibe. Players can chat with strangers, although most boys play with friends. Most importantly, this game is extremely addictive. Furthermore, when a player gets out, they can see how their opponent was doing. This motivates them to try again since they were “so close” to winning. A 6th-grade boy told me recently that the hardest part about Shabbos is that he can’t play Fortnite. It’s quite scary if you think about it. I can assure you that a lot of money went into developing this game, and boy, is it working. In March of 2018, the game made $296 million dollars! These developers will do whatever they can to keep the kids playing. Now that you have a better understanding of the game, we can discuss how to wean children off of it. Obviously, some of the ideas listed here might work, and others won’t. If you have any other ideas, please comment below or send me an email. These ideas are designed to stop your child from playing Fortnite, not from using electronic devices. That’s an entirely different discussion. Obviously, many people reading this are thinking, “What’s the big deal? Take away their phones or devices or just delete the game!” If only it were that easy. Some parents have a strong relationship with their children and can get away with this. If it’s a viable option, go for it! However, many parents cannot. When I used the word addiction to describe this game, I wasn’t using it lightly. There are many children that are completely enveloped in the game. Parents all around the world have thrown in the towel and are at wit's end. These suggestions are for the parents that don’t know what to do.
YR |
AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
March 2020
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