I enjoy reading your column in the 5 Towns Jewish Times. My question is regarding my eight-year-old son and his interest in money. I am thinking about giving him an allowance or some way to earn money for good behavior but don't want to get sucked into a scenario where I’m asked can I have $ for everything thing he does and of course he should be helpful without a reward. What is a good system to integrate both good behavior and an allowance or should they be separate? And if so what are the guidelines for an allowance?
Miriam -Far Rockaway Miriam, this is a question that has many different aspects. Let’s break it down into four main categories.
If you give your children a solid financial education when they’re younger, it’ll make their future a lot brighter. There are many ways to do this. The simple approach is to involve them in discussions around the home. If you’re buying a new phone, you can tell your kids, “I really wanted to get the iPhone 11 super plus with 18tb of data, but it’s not worth spending money on that since I don’t really need it. I’ll stick with the iPhone 6 plus 128.” Obviously, this won’t work if your children constantly see you wasting money on useless or extravagant items. Here’s an example: There are many people who would be very hesitant to spend $3500 on a leather couch. However, these same people might quickly spend $4,000 upgrading to leather seats in their car. If you want your children to be financially smart, you need to be as well! Another issue that many parents face is the “Amazon” challenge. Here’s how it goes. Your child watches you make a purchase using Amazon Prime, and it arrives a day or two later. They didn’t see you pay anything, and therefore they find it hard to understand why you can’t get them what they want, just as easily and quickly. This unfortunately encourages instant gratification, as our children take note of us acquiring items without putting in much effort or time. It might be beneficial for us to take a moment to verbalize our thoughts in front of our children before clicking the “Add to Cart” button. One suggestion might be to explain that it is cheaper online than in the store (if in fact it is), or that the item isn’t sold locally, etc. In most cases, it is easier to do our shopping online, but let’s be careful to express our purchasing considerations, as if we were shopping with our children in an actual store. There are, however, many opportunities we can utilize to show our children where it is important and worthwhile to spend our money. Spending extra on special foods for Shabbos or Yom Tov teaches your children a great lesson! You can also donate money to Tzedaka, and let them help make the decision as to which organization you’ll help out. The value of money can be imparted whether one is financially stable or not. For example, when you’re grocery shopping, you can bring your son along and show him how to look for sales (such as choosing the cereal boxes that are on sale for the week). Shopping can become a fun experience for him, and a great lesson as well. “Can you get me a ½ gallon of milk, a dozen eggs, and 6 green peppers for less than $10.00?” Alternatively, when choosing an item, you can casually remark, “Let’s get this brand. It’s a much better value for the money and similar to the more expensive brand.” There is another great wonderful way to teach children the value of money, and it’s a great disciplinary tool as well. If your child damages something due to irresponsibility, or even because he’s upset, you can make him pay. Here’s an example. “You were upset and broke the vase. That vase cost $59.99 and I need you to pay for it.” If your son doesn’t actually have any money, you can tell him, “I’ll take the money out of your bank account to pay for it.” Keep in mind, he doesn’t actually need a bank account for this to work, although it’s certainly better if he does. Obviously, this only applies to children who are old enough to understand the concept. You are now accomplishing two things at once. First of all, he’s learning that actions have an immediate consequence. Secondly, you are teaching him that everything has a value. The next item on our list, is responsibility. In order to instill in your children a sense of responsibility regarding work, you need to work hard as well. You don’t want to your kids to think you’re a hypocrite. We live in a time where entitlement is the norm. Adults seem to feel that they should receive things without putting in appropriate work, and this feeling most certainly trickles down to our children. I was recently at a store, and there was a man complaining that he can’t feed his kids since everything is so expensive. He had an EBT card of some sort and he said it barely covered his needs. I asked him what he did for a living, and he said he had no job. I told him that I could get him a job as a manager of a store paying about $48,000 a year, and he told me, “It’s not for me.” I asked him what he was looking for and he said a high paying job that doesn’t require a lot of work. I suggested he go into Chinuch. I wish I could say I was shocked. I wasn’t. There is definitely a mindset out there that believes every person should be compensated simply for being alive. In my humble opinion, that’s ridiculous. We need to teach our children the value of hard work, and the satisfaction that it brings. If your son asks you to buy him an expensive toy, help him make lemonade and cookies, and let him set up shop on a side road. The interesting thing is, after he makes the money, he might not even want to spend it! Working hard for money actually helps children become more financially responsible. There are many other ways for children to experience working hard and putting in effort to earn money. For example, offering to shovel snow, babysitting, getting a job in the summer, etc. There are two things that you need to be careful about when he starts trying to earn money.
Have a good Shabbos YR
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Dear Readers,
Last week I wrote a letter from a mother who questioned whether getting divorced was better than remaining in a failed marriage. I received well over two hundred questions and comments, many of which I posted. Thank you all for being a part of this tremendous parenting initiative. I would like to respond to the more common questions or comments that were submitted. Rabbi Ross – I am baffled as to why you didn’t give the woman from last week better advice. She desperately needs help with her marriage. This is a parenting column. There are many people that ask questions that I respond to privately with more information. In last week’s article, I responded to this woman privately with contact information to a well-known therapist. I suggested that she and her husband speak to this person and see if their marriage is salvageable. I’m hoping and Davening that it works out, but again, the marital issues are beyond the scope of this column. Last week, it really sounded like you were condoning divorce. I’m somewhat surprised. Far from it. I even wrote in the article, “A bitter divorce can be just as detrimental to a child’s emotional well-being as living with married, yet bitter parents.” Nevertheless, there are certain situations that call for a divorce. There is a well-known clinical psychologist/certified divorce mediator who recently told me, “Sometimes, it's actually much better for the kids’ mental and emotional health for the parents to be separated, because being in a stressful, conflict-filled environment can be very damaging to kids of any age.” Again, this is under the assumption that the parents conduct themselves during a divorce or separation with the children’s best interests in mind and refrain from including them in any disputes or arguments. I keep commenting and none of them are showing up on the site. This is a common question. There are a few criteria to having your comments posted.
Do you work with kids privately? Short answer - no. There are many amazing and qualified therapists out there that can help. Over the next few months, I will be putting a link on the site to any therapist who submits their information, and can provide the names of some satisfied clients as references. There will be no charge to be listed. Baruch Hashem, I am fortunate to spend my days teaching Torah to my Talmidim and helping them whenever possible. There are select cases where I am able to help certain children and/or parents, however it’s usually limited to my Talmidim. If I wanted you to speak in my Shul/House, how would I set that up? On the contact page of www.Yidparenting.com, you can request speaking engagements. I will IY”H be listing locations and dates on the website, as to where I’ll be speaking in the near future. The quotes from the divorced children were heart breaking. Did you write them down as they told them to you? Yes I did. I don’t specifically ask them for quotes, but I listen to them talk and afterwards, I jot down things that will help others. Incidentally, while many of these children turned out OK, there were quite a few that are still having difficulties. I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but these are the ones whose parents still bad-mouthed each other after a divorce. Who helps you write or edit these articles? I was surprised that an article about divorce was approved. Usually, I choose an email on Motzoai Shabbos. Over the next two days, I write an answer and compile my thoughts. It takes quite a few hours to put it together. When I’ve completed it, I send it to a family member who proofreads and edits the article. When he is finished, it goes to my wife who reviews it. If either of us think that a Rav should make a final determination, we send it to our Rav. This past week regarding the divorce question, we did send it to the Rav, and he felt that “It might help someone.” I think that newer parents should all read these emails. Is there anything I can do to help with getting the word out? Thank you. The easy way to help get the word out, is to forward the emails to your friends. You can assure them that I will never sell this email list, and their email address will always remain totally private. I am also looking for a social media guru who is willing to donate his/her time to help post the articles on a Facebook/Instagram feed (and help maintain it). Please send me an email if you’re interested. Have a great Shabbos! YR After 13 years of marriage, my husband and I are throwing in the towel. We’ve been to therapy session after session, and it’s no use. To make a long story short, we fell out of love. In any case, we have 4 children that we love very much, and want to do what’s best for them. They are 2 boys 11 and 8, and 2 girls 6 and 4. Should we lead a fake marriage to keep the kids stable? Is divorce a better option? We have been reading your articles for quite a while and are both impressed with your understanding of children. We would love to hear your opinion. Thank you. {Name Redacted}
I was a bit puzzled that you signed your name on this article. I took the liberty of removing it just in case one of your children (or their friends) read any of the papers that publish this column. I have deliberately abstained from discussing Shalom Bayis issues in these articles, unless they actively pertain to a question regarding Chinuch. Your question is very complicated, and I would highly suggest you and your husband speak to a competent therapist. Nonetheless, in the interest of Chinuch, I will attempt to break down the pertinent issues. One of the most important ingredients in raising an emotionally healthy child is a stable, if not loving, marriage. However, if you’re missing this component, your child can still have a wonderful and healthy childhood. It just requires a bit more effort and work. I remember hearing of a couple that pretended to have a happy marriage for their children. Legend has it that they divorced the day after their last child got married. I can’t guarantee the accuracy of that story, but it seems very odd. Fooling kids for an extended period of time isn’t as simple as you might think. They can pick up on little nuances very easily. At best, you might be able to trick them when they’re younger. On the other hand, they might grow up thinking it’s OK to be married and not treat their spouse with love and respect. Again, I would highly suggest speaking to a qualified therapist and/or a Rav. If it is truly impossible to make the marriage work and be successful, then it would seem that an amicable divorce might be a better option than a bitter home. You should let your kids know that you both love them, and will always continue to work together for them. Keep in mind that a bitter divorce can be just as detrimental to a child’s emotional well-being as living with married, yet bitter parents. Since we’re on the subject of divorce, I would like to share some comments that I’ve heard from kids over the past few years about the divorce of their parents. I have included the approximate ages of the children who related these to me. There is a tremendous amount of insight and guidance you can gather from these poignant comments. Please be aware, if you are a product of a divorced home, these might trigger unpleasant memories. “When I get bored of my wife, I guess I’ll divorce her like my dad did to my mom” – Age 8 “The worst part of having divorced parents, is that they try and turn me against each other. It just makes me respect them less!” – Age 13 “My parents always told me to talk out my issues, but they had no problem getting divorced. Hypocrites!” – Age 11 “I never knew they didn’t get along, but I knew that they didn’t love me.” - Age 12 “Yes, I know Dad doesn’t pay child support! Reminding me doesn’t make me a happier child or love you more!” - Age 15 “Even though my parents are happily divorced, they still come to all my parties and get along with each other. It makes me feel normal” - Age 11 “My parents didn’t think I heard them arguing and fighting when they were in their room. They were wrong.” - Age 8 “The best Shabbosos are when I’m at a friend’s house. It’s stress free.” - Age 11 “Thinking back, I wish my parents didn’t have those horrible custody battles. I hated my life! Why couldn’t they have asked me how I felt or what I wanted?” - Age 16 “My parents got divorced when I was 3. If they knew they hated each other, why would they have had more kids?” - Age 14 “Having divorced parents is awesome! I never get in trouble, since my mother is scared I’ll run to my Dad!” - Age 12 “The divorce was the best part. The screaming and arguing from when they were married, still echoes in my ears at night.” - Age 15 Wishing you all happiness, Shalom Bayis, and a good Shabbos, YR Rabbi Ross – I have a question that many parents probably have. My irresponsible 16-year-old wants to take driver’s ed. I don’t think she should be having driving privileges until she is more responsible, or at least makes the effort. Thoughts? Sarah N.
Sarah, I must admit that you are correct. I have received many e-mails about this, and since my oldest is now 14, I, as well, am beginning to get nervous. Let’s be honest here. It’s scary watching the child that you distinctly remember happily eating chalk, now driving a motor vehicle. We need to remember that we were also kids way back when, and somehow we managed. That’s not to say it’s the same type of driving. My mother’s station wagon (my kids don’t know what that is), had a radio and tape. Nowadays, aside from the intricate electronics distracting drivers in every vehicle ,kids have their smart phones, which can cause more serious issues. The combination could be quite dangerous. However, not allowing your children to take driving lessons is also very harsh. It’s one thing if you make them wait until they’re 17. It’s another to say “NO” without a time-frame. Driving is a huge milestone for teenagers, and it’s their road to independence (pun intended). Taking it from them will result in a lot of friction and can ultimately cause more harm than good. Obviously, each situation is different, but we’re speaking in general terms. You say your daughter is irresponsible - were you that much better? You can tell her that you need to see an improvement in her behavior before you allow her to start taking lessons, that’s what parenting is about. Just remember to be fair. Don’t become overprotective and risk blowing it out of proportion. I listed below some helpful ideas regarding this subject. I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section – I’m sure many of you came up with some great solutions. • Take your kids driving frequently, and let them drive (with one of their parents) once they have their permit. Sundays are usually the best days for a quiet, leisurely drive. Don’t be tense (at least outwardly). • Be a good example when you drive. Don’t yell or gesticulate at other drivers, or do anything illegal. • Have a phone box in the car. Whenever any of you drive, the phone goes in the box. Even at red lights. • Explain to your kids that you’re not concerned as much about them making mistakes. It’s the less responsible drivers that you’re worried about. Explain what defensive driving is. • They should not be allowed to have friends in the car with them for a while. Having friends in cars can cause some irresponsible decisions – especially when it comes to teenage boys. (“How fast can it go from zero to 60?!”) • Put any drivers on your insurance immediately. It might be expensive, but leaving them off is a huge mistake and can cost you a lot more down the line. • Buckling up is a must. It doesn't matter where they're sitting. Tell your children that if they are driving unbuckled, they will lose their privileges for a long time. No exceptions. • Have a curfew for driving. As they mature, you can extend it. Remember, younger drivers get tired quicker and are less attentive. Night driving should be kept to a minimum initially. • Music should be at a low volume as they learn to drive. Hearing other cars, sirens, or horns is imperative. Have you ever noticed that when you’re looking for an address, you lower the volume? Coincidence? I think not! Loud noise or music can be very distracting. • While Bluetooth is safer than handheld, your kids should not be on the phone when they are learning to drive. It’s extremely distracting. • Teach your kids how to change a flat, jump start a battery, and what to do if they are pulled over or in an accident. They don’t need to learn how to read a map anymore. • This is my favorite. I believe that EVERY child should learn to drive on a stick shift. There are so many advantages. They can’t hold their phones since they need both hands. They need to concentrate on the shifting and won’t get distracted by others. Clutch cars are cheap (used). They also can't lend their cars to a friend. I’m very serious about this. Many driving schools will teach on a manual transmission, if you request it. Have a good Shabbos and stay safe. YR |
AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
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