A Frelichin Purim! In honor of Purim next week, I’ve compiled an updated list of ten things your child would want you to know...in his/her own words.
Rabbi Ross. I live on a Frum block, and we have an issue maybe you can guide us with. On our block is a family that does not do a good job raising their kids. They let them have unlimited access on all electronics without filters, they allow them to stay up very late at nights, and these kids don’t even do well in school. A few of us have discussed this “Letoeles” and we need to do something. We are writing an anonymous letter and are trying to decide what to include as a first step. What do you think? S.K. Flatbush
I really debated responding publicly to your email, but I received enough similar questions to justify a public response. Living on a Frum block is amazing. You can run to your neighbor for a missing ingredient, and if the kids are in the same school, carpool is a cinch. The hard part can be raising your own children without being judged by everyone on the block. I understand and empathize with you, but there are two things that you wrote that I take issue with.
The scariest words for me on Shabbos, are “Nisht Oif Shabbos Gerret, but…”, since it’s obvious that I’m about to hear something that isn’t appropriate for Shabbos. The scariest word during the week is “Letoeles”, since many people think it’s a word that gives us permission to speak about other people. It’s not. You need to ask your Rav before deciding that it’s permitted to speak to others about a third party. While I understand that you’re concerned and frustrated, speaking about other people is wrong.
The second item I took issue with, is the anonymous letter. I heard that one of the Gedolim said years ago, “An anonymous letter is not worth the paper it’s written on.” I’ve been on the receiving end of such emails, and I just delete them without even reading them. If you can’t put your name on something, it shouldn’t be written. If you feel the need to tell these parents something, knock on their door and tell them how you feel (while being sensitive to their feelings). They’ll respect you for it, and you’ll save yourself, and them, a lot of heartache.
As I mentioned earlier, there are pros and cons to being surrounded by other frum families. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to have families that are different on the same block. It’s a great opportunity to be Mechanech your children. You can explain that there are different types of people, and Hashem loves each one of us. If your children ask why they get to stay up later, you can tell them every parent raises their children differently. Believe me, you’ll have your children comparing your parenting style to many others over the years. It doesn’t mean you have to change anything.
Another thing to think about, is that you and your other neighbors are agreeing about the lack of parenting in this one family. What will happen if you and one of the these neighbors disagree about bedtime? How about if you want to allow your kids to watch a video that a different neighbor finds inappropriate. There will always be things that you’ll disagree about. Focusing on others’ parenting is a very dangerous game to play.
On the flip side, there are times when people can use help parenting. If you see a mother making constant mistakes, there’s nothing wrong with giving helpful advice. We’re all in this together and sharing ideas in an appropriate fashion is usually appreciated. If you feel that it would be better if it came from a Rav, go for it. I would suggest not speaking to ANYONE about any perceived issues except for the Rav. I have heard stories about people that called family members to intervene. Not only did this cause serious family issues, it ended up backfiring horribly.
A few quick thoughts about giving advice to parents. These tips would seem to be common sense, but I feel that it might be prudent to share them.
1) Any advice you want to share should be in a private venue. Never discuss these things publicly.
2) Giving advice isn’t helpful when people are upset. If you see a parent yelling at their child, you probably shouldn’t tell him not to yell while he’s upset.
3) It’s helpful to explain things from a third-party perspective. In other words, don’t tell someone “Yelling at your children can be counterproductive”. Rather, tell them that you heard someone explain the dangers of yelling uncontrollably at children.
4) Lastly, I would pick up a parenting or chinuch book from your local Judaica store, and give it to them. I would tell them, “I really enjoyed this book on parenting, and thought you might enjoy it.
Wishing you Hatzlacha and a good Shabbos
Rabbi Ross, is there a way to help my child who loves to take but refuses to give? He’s twelve years old and is my 3rd child with two older sisters and a younger brother. He has no problem when he’s taking anything, but when it comes time to give back, everything is an issue. I’m not even talking about the obvious facts that we feed, clothe and support him. We always buy him things that he wants and get not so much as a “thank you”. If we ask him to help out, he gets all annoyed and says, “I have a life you know!” Can you advise us? – Some very confused and frustrated parents in Woodmere.
Before I reply to your question, I would like to respond to a question that keeps coming up. On the online blog there is a comments section, and many people are wondering why their comments aren’t being approved. Typically, I allow one or two comments, and then I stop allowing anything else. Unfortunately, many of the comments being written are either Lashon Hora, contain inappropriate language, or are simply not nice. In order to approve them, I need to read each one carefully, and it’s extremely time consuming. I am working on a solution, and I apologize for the inconvenience. Keep in mind that if your comment is “short and sweet”, it’s more likely to be approved.
Getting back to your question, there are a few issues that need to be addressed.
Perhaps you should stop giving him things until he learns to respond appropriately. This is true with a three-year-old and holds true with any age. However, I will not be discussing Hakoras Hatov in this response, since it deserves its own discussion. There is definitely a connection between thanking someone and being a giver, but they are still separate Middos. In this response, I’m going to focus on instilling in your children to give. These steps all can work, and they are in no particular order.
The first step is to lead by example. When someone comes to your door collecting Tzedaka, be generous and don’t grumble “Another collector.” Make sure your son sees you being generous and happy for the opportunity to do a Mitzvah. Take him shopping with you and buy things for him and his siblings that they like. You could say, “Your sister really enjoys BBQ Pringles. Let’s buy her one”. Use the word “give” in everyday conversations. For example, “We received an invitation to your friend’s Bar Mitzvah. What should we give to him as a present?”
The second step is to allow him to give. This is taking step one to the next level. Let him give the money to the person that’s collecting. Let him give the Pringles to his sister. Anytime something needs to be given to any of his siblings, or anyone else for that matter, let him be the one. The obvious goal is to get him used to giving. Giving to others is a great feeling, and hopefully he’ll get hooked.
The third step is to discuss giving. These conversations should not be directly focused on him, but rather discussed during a family discussion, for example at the Shabbos table. Tell a story about a Gadol that gave to others or say a Dvar Torah that emphasizes giving. You want to make sure that you’re not dropping subtle hints that are directed at him. If he feels that you’re pushing him, he might resent it.
The fourth step is to compliment him whenever he gives, no matter how insignificant it seems. It could be he’s giving something physical such as sharing one of his toys or books with a sibling. Possibly he’s giving of his time (“Can you watch your brother for a minute?”) In either case, give him a big smile and say, “Thank you so much for being so generous!” Or, “I noticed you gave your sister your cookie, that was very generous of you” etc.
DON’T keep telling him why he should give. That will just irritate him and cause him to resent giving even more. Teaching children how to give must remain a positive lesson.
It’s important to remember that certain Middos come easier to some children than others. Some children pop out of bed in the morning and some need to be prodded multiple times. You might have one child that loves to give, and a different one that refuses to. Make sure never to compare your children with comments like, “Your sister loves to share”, since that doesn’t help at all. You can consider this your (and their) challenge to learn to be a giver.
Wishing you Hatzlacha and a Good Shabbos.
Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.