Rabbi Ross. A few months ago, I read an article that you wrote about a Bar Mitzvah boy Laining. Well, I have a different problem. My son very much wants to Lain, but he’s scared he’s going to make a mistake and everyone in the Shul will scream out corrections. I understand where he’s coming from, but at the same time I feel that we can’t live out lives worrying about “What if scenarios”. Since this is the only thing holding him back, should I pressure him or let it go? Shaya – Boro Park
The article you’re referencing can be found here. In that instance, the boy didn’t want to Lain his Parsha because it was too long. However, it seems that your son does want to Lain, but is worried that he’ll be embarrassed if he makes a mistake. We find in the Gemara in Brachos a prayer that includes the phrase “I shouldn’t make a mistake and my friends will laugh at me.” His fear is a valid one. Unfortunately, it’s a real problem in many shuls. The moment the Baal Koreh makes a mistake, everyone becomes an expert. I’ve seen men that can barely read Hebrew (as evidenced by their hemming and hawing when they Daven), jump out of their seats in shock if the Baal Koreh pronounces a word incorrectly. I’m not sure where this Minhag started, but it’s a horrible one. Each Shul has a Gabbai, a Gabbai Sheni and a Rav. I’m pretty sure all three of them are qualified to catch and correct mistakes made in an appropriate fashion. I’m talking about a regular Shabbos when there is an adult Laining. Certainly if there is a Bar Mitzvah boy laining, no one else should be correcting him. I went to a Bar Mitzvah in Passaic a few years ago, and before the Laining the Rav stood up and made the following announcement. (Not verbatim) “Whereas I’m sure all of you are experts in the Hebrew language, our Shul has a special Minhag. The only people that can correct the Bar Mitzvah boy, are his teacher and the Gabbai. If anyone feels that he made a mistake and it wasn’t caught, you can come and discuss it with me after Davening.” I went over to this Rav after Davening and thanked him. This is definitely a battle worth fighting, and I was thrilled with the way he said it. However, a lot of Rabbonim seem to think it’s not a big issue, and they half-heartedly tell everyone “Please don’t correct the Bar Mitzvah boy”. One Rav told me, I am already telling them not to talk during Davening, to come on time, and to give Tzedaka. I don’t want to overdue it. I understand that. I really do. The flip side is, many more boys are not laining. Sure, they Lain once at their Bar Mitzvah, however, most of them stop afterwards. The next few years they Lain a part of their Parsha, and after a few years they’re done. As one Baal Koreh told me, in fifteen years, we are going to be in serious trouble. If we want to solve this problem we need to take action. In your situation, I would take your son and speak with the Rav. The Rav needs to agree that before your son Lains he will get up and make a serious announcement. Not a request. I know of a Rav who told the congregation “If you correct the boy, I will ask you to take over!” You’re not asking him to go so far, rather, he should make it clear to everyone that they need to follow inside and stop correcting. Validate your son. Tell him that you completely understand his concerns, and you are taking it seriously. If the Rav refuses to make the announcement, ask if your son’s teacher or the gabbai can. If he say’s no, find a different Shul for your son to Lain in. Alternatively, you can rent a place for Davening and do it yourself. If that’s not possible, you have two choices. Either you can try to convince your son that he’ll do well, and if anyone else corrects you will shush them. Or you can forgo the Laining part. I would tell the Rav (respectfully), “My son won’t be Laining for his Bar Mitzva because we’re not willing to stop the shouting” There are those that might think that having corrections shouted at a Bar Mitzva is some sort of “rite of passage”. It toughens the boy up. Well, I’m all for toughening kids up, especially these day, but this doesn’t do that. It embarrasses and confuses them. This isn’t a good Minhag, and it never was. Can you tell your son to ignore the screaming? Sure. Some kids will be able to, some not. Nonetheless, I think it’s just wrong. Mazal Tov on the upcoming Bar Mitzvah. I hope the Rav helps you out. Have a great Shabbos, YR
12 Comments
Steven L.
1/11/2018 07:20:21 pm
This hurt to read. I Lained Noach, and I stopped laining after the 3rd Aliya. They were shouting and banging. I never Lained again and I’m over 50. Incidentally I only made 3 small mistakes. I couldn’t deal with it.
Reply
Sarah Termechi
1/11/2018 07:34:49 pm
As a mother, I cringed when I heard the yelling. I never understood why the men need to scream and yell.
Reply
David Friedler
1/11/2018 07:57:40 pm
Let me share a story that might shock some of you. In a Shul here in Brooklyn, a borderline special needs boy was taught one Aliyah. He was so proud of himself and stood up to Lain. I will never forget what happened when he said Lecha instead of Lach. The shouting. The tumult. He ran out crying. For what?
Reply
Yocheved
1/11/2018 08:00:11 pm
What a sad story. :-( - Also a Chillul Hashem. For Shame.
Reply
Chaim Leib
1/11/2018 08:02:38 pm
Oy, Reading this brought back some bad memories. This father is a good father that he didn't just shrug off his son's fear. I'll bet that he had it happen to him when he was younger.
Reply
Retired Parent
1/12/2018 07:27:48 am
One has to always be careful about "correcting" people. I say Akdamus in my schul for quite awhile. One Shavuot a neighborhood Rav was visiting our schul. He started to correct me left and right . Nobody could figure it out. His brother just before Mincha told me I see you survived I didn't recognize what you were saying but it was not minus or apikores so either you were saying a different girsa or were the best pay tan in past two hundred years, either way OK WITH ME. I USED art Scroll they used girsa from family machzor.
Reply
Levi
1/12/2018 08:01:30 am
Great article Rabbi Ross! I look forward to them every week. Thanks for everything you do.
Reply
Yehoshua Avner
1/12/2018 08:45:29 am
Well said. This has become some sort of joke in many Shuls but it is no laughing matter. We're embarrassing the next generation and as you wrote, many of those correcting don't even know how to lain. Every Rav should stand up and say no more!
Reply
Shimon Lichtenstein
1/12/2018 08:49:50 am
No. This is incorrect. We've been doing this for years, and I see nothing wrong with it. If you can't lain without making mistakes, you shouldn't be up there. We are ensuring that only capable children lain, and those that can't don't need to. You yourself wrote that there is no Halacha that kids have to lain.
Reply
Ari D.
1/12/2018 10:00:41 am
Are you kidding? Because it's been done for years, its right??? Did you read the stories above?! Your logic is very messed up. We are stopping the capable children from laining because we're scaring them off.
Reply
Retired Parent
1/14/2018 12:53:06 pm
It may well be that it would be better if no kids lained at their bar mitzvah. Let children lain aliyot each on occasional Shabbosim, those who are interested would get the practice without unnecessarily embarrassing those who cant.
Reply
Private
1/12/2018 10:31:33 am
I agree. Let's end this horrible and offensive minhag. How hard can it be? Tell your rabbonim and make it happen.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
March 2020
Categories |