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A Special Contest!

1/20/2017

17 Comments

 
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Rabbi Ross. I’ve been reading with fascination your articles over the past few months. My husband & I truly appreciate your down-to-earth advice, and generally agree with your opinions. Now it’s our turn to ask the question. We both come from non-religious backgrounds, and we are very close with my cousins who are completely non-religious. Recently, we’ve been running into a big problem. As our kids are getting older, we are realizing the dangers of hanging out with them. Their older girls are now teenagers, and are constantly pushing the bar regarding dress codes and Tznius. They also discuss inappropriate things, and being that we have boys that are almost Bar Mitzvah, we are getting nervous. Here’s the question. Since breaking off the relationship is not going to happen (they’re too close), where should these get togethers take place. In our home where we can control it? Or will that bring it into our house? In their house where we can leave easier? That might be worse! In either case, should we discuss our fears with their parents? With our kids? What are your thoughts? – Private

Dear Readers. I respond to many of the questions I receive privately, saving the public responses for the more common issues. This week’s question is one of the toughest ones I’ve received.

Since there won’t be an article next week (for Yeshiva week), I decided to do something a bit different than usual. I contacted the mother and requested permission to present this question to our readers.

It’s your turn. Baruch Hashem, we have thousands of readers, and many have commented on various articles. This is your chance to shine.

Please answer the question this mother asked by either commenting on this article, or emailing me at Rebbe@Yidparenting.com. The answer that I feel is the most helpful, will win a $250 Gourmet Glatt Gift Card! Thank you to the anonymous sponsor!

Thank you in advance for your help. I’m looking forward to seeing everyone’s answers. The deadline is Wednesday, 02/01/2017. Winner will be chosen on February 2nd.

Have a wonderful vacation!

Good Shabbos! YR

P.S. You must be signed up to the email list if you want to share your response. If you need to subscribe, please click here. 

17 Comments
Basya L.
1/20/2017 10:34:49 am

Wow! I'm not sure - this is a tough question! I think that it should be in your house, and you should ask your cousins to dress appropriately since the kids haven't been exposed to many things.

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Chavi
1/20/2017 10:36:03 am

Can we give more than one answer? If not, can husbands and wife answer separately?

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Rabbi Ross
1/20/2017 10:43:21 am

You really should stick to one answer per person. However, spouses can certainly give different answers.

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Daniel V.
1/20/2017 10:41:40 am

Great Question! I had a similar situation. My solution won't win any cards, but it worked for me. I told my relatives that I would love to meet, but was only available during the winter. That way, they would be dressed more appropriately.

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T.M.
1/20/2017 10:47:16 am

I'm assuming we'll have to use our name if we win. In any case, here goes. You need a 2 pronged attack. Speak to your children and prepare them, and at the same time speak to your cousins and discuss the issue. Honesty is always key.

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Dov E.
1/20/2017 11:18:58 am

I have no clue. Truth is, it's a situation that many of us find ourselves in. I hope that you share your thoughts as well Rabbi Ross. You can even award yourself the gift card! :-)

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A.P.
1/20/2017 11:54:12 am

This is one of those questions that's almost impossible to answer since there are so many variables. I would suggest that as hard as it may be, you need to speak to your cousins, and let them know that you can't meet up anymore as a family except for special occasions. Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and so on. Ultimately your children require the most attention, and sometimes that means you have to make difficult decisions.

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Devorah K.
1/20/2017 12:35:46 pm

I'm not sure people find so difficult. It seems to me that the obvious answer is, all the meetings should be in their house. This way you can leave whenever you want to, and you can tell your children that sometimes we have to go into situations that we don't necessarily approve of .

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Shmuel R
1/21/2017 09:09:47 pm

I started writing an answer and stopped. Giving advice like you do every week, is more difficult than I realized. You are missing so much information, and your response needs to include all angles. In any case, Here's my idea. Tell your children about this issue. Ask them what they think the right thing to do is. Help the by guiding the conversation the right way. This way, you will let your kids see how important it is to be Tznuis and be understanding to your non-religious relatives.

Hope I win!

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Chana S.
1/21/2017 09:15:44 pm

I don't think this is a hard response at all! Simple! Whenever the families get together, keep your boys somewhere else! Avoiding issues is a great way of resolving them.

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Private
1/21/2017 09:40:02 pm

I'm with Shmuel. I enjoy your article every week. However, I never tried writing my own answer. I don't even know where to start. The $250 sounds enticing, but you'll have plenty to choose from. I'm forwarding to everyone.

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LCT
1/22/2017 01:25:53 pm

oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Agreed, being honest is tough. But if you are as close as you say you are I think your cousins will appreciate your honesty more than just being cut off and ignored. They should (hopefully) be understanding of your feelings as well. If the conversation is had in a friendly, loving way with no accusations or judgments,just open and honest feelings, perhaps your cousins will have some suggestions as well. I am sure your kids are aware of the situation and if they are anything like my own (we have been in similar situations) they are already uncomfortable with the situation and probably uneasy discussing it with you. Ask them for their opinions and suggestions. They can still keep in touch with their cousins with letters/texts/emails etc without having to actually be together. Family is important. Keeping everyone together is one of life's biggest challenges. Hatzlocho rabba!

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S.Z.
1/22/2017 02:45:55 pm

As parents it is one of our responsibility to teach our children what we view as correct and proper. We also have to teach them to not judge others solely based on differing standards. Speak with your boys and let them know what you as a family do, while letting them know that others - including their own cousins - may do otherwise. And that's generally okay.

As to where to get together, I would suggest in your house. It's very difficult to try and dictate to others what they should or shouldn't do in their own home, especially teenagers. You can hope - and maybe even speak to the parents about it - that when your cousins come to your house they will attempt to honor your traditions. If any of their children are egregiously out of line, mentioning it to your close cousin shouldn't cause any major strife. (Keep in mind that they may not fully approve of what their teens are doing either but are picking their battles in ways that you may not be aware of.)

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Sora
1/22/2017 05:20:20 pm

First, I just want to say how great this question is, family is so important, and that is a great lesson to teach your kids. Even though you may be different than your relatives, by keeping this connection you are teaching your kids the value of family.

As others pointed out, the first thing to do would be to prepare your kids. This goes for people who don't have nonreligious relatives as well. Nowadays, it is easier than ever for kids to see and hear things that their parents may not want them being exposed to. No matter how careful you are as a parent, the fact is there are just too many ways for kids (and adults) to see and hear things that they probably shouldn't. When it's in your own family, it is a bit more difficult, but here is your opportunity to teach your kids how to protect themselves and their neshamos, as well as to respect those who are different than they are.

In terms of where to hang out, a neutral place is a great option, assuming you choose the place. However, your relatives may want a turn to choose a place, and that can turn into a problem if the place is inappropriate.

If they would just like to get together in someone's house I would suggest your home as opposed to theirs for 2 reasons:
1) When someone is staying home they may decide to "laze around" and wear something more inappropriate, or stay in PJs. This is especially important with teenage girls, once they are leaving the house they will have to put some effort into the wardrobe. Still no promises that it'll be appropriate, but at least they are aware that they will be seen by others.
2)Host's advantage: If it is in your home, you can choose entertainment, whether it be music, books, or games. Once your kids step into their cousins house, they may get exposed to TV shows, questionable reading material, and other little things that you aren't even aware of until it's in front of you.
Yes, it is a possibility that they will bring stuff into your home that you would not like, but if you are as close to them as you say you are, hopefully they will be considerate and respectful of what you don't want in your home. Remember, even if they do bring something into your home, it'll be limited and gone by the end if the visit. It's not great, but still better than walking into the unknown in their home.

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Estie
1/22/2017 08:42:49 pm

My thoughts are, that family is first. You wrote many times in your articles, that it's better to prepare your children than to shield them. This is a perfect example. No matter where you meet, just prepare your children.

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Chumie
1/23/2017 02:06:58 pm

This is very tough question to answer. Many people are writing about the importance of honesty, but there are times when being tactical is more important. You're allowed to be a little dishonest to keep peace, and that certainly holds true in this case. Those that are less religious, have a very hard time understanding our restrictions. " what's the problem with seeing his cousin in a bathing suit"? They're cousins after all. My solution would be, to try to avoid the situation as much as possible. However if you do need to meet, try to make it in a neutral location.

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Moshe M.
1/30/2017 10:58:07 am

When meeting someone who chose a Torah life I usually ask what caused them to choose Torah. Without knowing why you chose a life of Torah observance, it is difficult to advise. This is an answer that you’ll have to work for. It is guidance to study and make the knowledge your own. This is the approach of strengthening convictions and requires deep reflection on the reality of Torah.

Living a proper torah life is the best form of influence on non religious relatives. This includes being happy and having the knowledge that you are living the best most enjoyable life.

We must teach our children that Torah is The Reality. Torah is subject to the test of reality and does not require us to fudge the facts or apologize for it.

Rabbi Noach Weinberg ZT”L said in his Lakewood Kiruv Seminar, “Blind faith is for the goyim. It is not for Jews.” Rabbi Shaya Cohen Shlita recently wrote we must teach children the “benefits of a life of Torah and Mitzvos, and the testimony, evidence, and accuracy of the transmission process of Maamad Har Sinai to this day” (5TJT 12/23/2016, cover page). Avail yourself of the resources of Aish Hatorah and Priority-1 among others.

Moshe Rabeinu’s mussar in Parshas Va’eschanan is uplifting without a guilt trip.

The ideas of Torah are more real than the physical world. In Krias Sh’ma we have in mind that Hashem is not bound by time. This is a concept that governs the universe. Time is part of the fabric of the universe. Time does not exist outside of the universe. The Creator of the universe is therefore outside of the boundaries of time. The book “God and the New Physics” by Paul Davies is a great resource for the non scientist to understand concepts of space and time, and enhance Yediyas Hashem.

Transforming Torah observance from a religion to a reality is a most refreshing experience. Torah becomes a natural fit rather than a forced obligation. The ideas of Torah are the ideas that govern the universe. This knowledge enables one to resist negative influences and teach others the true Derech Hachayim.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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