 Rabbi Ross. I’ve been reading with fascination your articles over the past few months. My husband & I truly appreciate your down-to-earth advice, and generally agree with your opinions. Now it’s our turn to ask the question. We both come from non-religious backgrounds, and we are very close with my cousins who are completely non-religious. Recently, we’ve been running into a big problem. As our kids are getting older, we are realizing the dangers of hanging out with them. Their older girls are now teenagers, and are constantly pushing the bar regarding dress codes and Tznius. They also discuss inappropriate things, and being that we have boys that are almost Bar Mitzvah, we are getting nervous. Here’s the question. Since breaking off the relationship is not going to happen (they’re too close), where should these get togethers take place. In our home where we can control it? Or will that bring it into our house? In their house where we can leave easier? That might be worse! In either case, should we discuss our fears with their parents? With our kids? What are your thoughts? – Private
17 Comments
Basya L.
1/20/2017 10:34:49 am
Wow! I'm not sure - this is a tough question! I think that it should be in your house, and you should ask your cousins to dress appropriately since the kids haven't been exposed to many things.
Chavi
1/20/2017 10:36:03 am
Can we give more than one answer? If not, can husbands and wife answer separately?
Rabbi Ross
1/20/2017 10:43:21 am
You really should stick to one answer per person. However, spouses can certainly give different answers.
Daniel V.
1/20/2017 10:41:40 am
Great Question! I had a similar situation. My solution won't win any cards, but it worked for me. I told my relatives that I would love to meet, but was only available during the winter. That way, they would be dressed more appropriately.
T.M.
1/20/2017 10:47:16 am
I'm assuming we'll have to use our name if we win. In any case, here goes. You need a 2 pronged attack. Speak to your children and prepare them, and at the same time speak to your cousins and discuss the issue. Honesty is always key.
Dov E.
1/20/2017 11:18:58 am
I have no clue. Truth is, it's a situation that many of us find ourselves in. I hope that you share your thoughts as well Rabbi Ross. You can even award yourself the gift card! :-)
A.P.
1/20/2017 11:54:12 am
This is one of those questions that's almost impossible to answer since there are so many variables. I would suggest that as hard as it may be, you need to speak to your cousins, and let them know that you can't meet up anymore as a family except for special occasions. Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and so on. Ultimately your children require the most attention, and sometimes that means you have to make difficult decisions.
Devorah K.
1/20/2017 12:35:46 pm
I'm not sure people find so difficult. It seems to me that the obvious answer is, all the meetings should be in their house. This way you can leave whenever you want to, and you can tell your children that sometimes we have to go into situations that we don't necessarily approve of .
Shmuel R
1/21/2017 09:09:47 pm
I started writing an answer and stopped. Giving advice like you do every week, is more difficult than I realized. You are missing so much information, and your response needs to include all angles. In any case, Here's my idea. Tell your children about this issue. Ask them what they think the right thing to do is. Help the by guiding the conversation the right way. This way, you will let your kids see how important it is to be Tznuis and be understanding to your non-religious relatives.
Chana S.
1/21/2017 09:15:44 pm
I don't think this is a hard response at all! Simple! Whenever the families get together, keep your boys somewhere else! Avoiding issues is a great way of resolving them.
Private
1/21/2017 09:40:02 pm
I'm with Shmuel. I enjoy your article every week. However, I never tried writing my own answer. I don't even know where to start. The $250 sounds enticing, but you'll have plenty to choose from. I'm forwarding to everyone.
LCT
1/22/2017 01:25:53 pm
oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. Agreed, being honest is tough. But if you are as close as you say you are I think your cousins will appreciate your honesty more than just being cut off and ignored. They should (hopefully) be understanding of your feelings as well. If the conversation is had in a friendly, loving way with no accusations or judgments,just open and honest feelings, perhaps your cousins will have some suggestions as well. I am sure your kids are aware of the situation and if they are anything like my own (we have been in similar situations) they are already uncomfortable with the situation and probably uneasy discussing it with you. Ask them for their opinions and suggestions. They can still keep in touch with their cousins with letters/texts/emails etc without having to actually be together. Family is important. Keeping everyone together is one of life's biggest challenges. Hatzlocho rabba!
S.Z.
1/22/2017 02:45:55 pm
As parents it is one of our responsibility to teach our children what we view as correct and proper. We also have to teach them to not judge others solely based on differing standards. Speak with your boys and let them know what you as a family do, while letting them know that others - including their own cousins - may do otherwise. And that's generally okay.
Sora
1/22/2017 05:20:20 pm
First, I just want to say how great this question is, family is so important, and that is a great lesson to teach your kids. Even though you may be different than your relatives, by keeping this connection you are teaching your kids the value of family.
Estie
1/22/2017 08:42:49 pm
My thoughts are, that family is first. You wrote many times in your articles, that it's better to prepare your children than to shield them. This is a perfect example. No matter where you meet, just prepare your children.
Chumie
1/23/2017 02:06:58 pm
This is very tough question to answer. Many people are writing about the importance of honesty, but there are times when being tactical is more important. You're allowed to be a little dishonest to keep peace, and that certainly holds true in this case. Those that are less religious, have a very hard time understanding our restrictions. " what's the problem with seeing his cousin in a bathing suit"? They're cousins after all. My solution would be, to try to avoid the situation as much as possible. However if you do need to meet, try to make it in a neutral location.
Moshe M.
1/30/2017 10:58:07 am
When meeting someone who chose a Torah life I usually ask what caused them to choose Torah. Without knowing why you chose a life of Torah observance, it is difficult to advise. This is an answer that you’ll have to work for. It is guidance to study and make the knowledge your own. This is the approach of strengthening convictions and requires deep reflection on the reality of Torah. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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