Hi Rabbi Ross. After reading your emails for the past few months, my wife and I wanted to ask your opinion about something. We know that you are connected to two worlds, Chinuch and technology. Using your understanding of both, what do you think the best way to monitor our 13 year old daughter, who is using Instagram and Facebook? She gets all annoyed when we check up on her and ask to see her account, yet we think as parents we need to stay on top of this. What are your thoughts? Eli K. - Brooklyn 
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There are many questions that parents must consider regarding the use of social media with children.  I will attempt to address a few of these concerns and perhaps continue our conversation next week.

Issue number one, is when to allow your children access to social media - including the main four: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. As we’ve discussed in previous articles, if all of their friends are on social media, it’s no longer a luxury for them to participate, but rather, a necessity.

If you’re too uncomfortable with that, your child might be in the wrong school. There are many schools that have strict rules regarding what their students can and cannot do in their spare time. If the school turns a blind eye to social media, you should have them at least educate the children, as a group, on the potential dangers that lurk there.

Even if your child is allowed access to social media, it must be monitored to some degree. He/she should only be allowed to access their accounts from one device, and only at certain times. Additionally, it might be a good idea to allow your child only one account. In other words, he can pick from Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, or any other. Each one has its pros and cons. The problem you’ll find, however, is that a lot of them connect to one another.

Nevertheless, you should not give them access to more than one “App” at a time. It becomes much more difficult for you to monitor (as we’ll discuss later), and even more difficult for your children to handle.

The second issue, is that of trust. Is it wrong to constantly check up on your children? Should we, as parents, be more trusting? I’m sure all of you would agree, that trust is earned. Initially, you need to constantly check up on them and make sure that they are being smart and safe online. You must be sure that they understand the dangers of social media, and the threats it poses.

It is imperative that you spend time with your children discussing various scenarios that they may encounter on social media. If your children don’t know someone, they should not allow them access to view their profile. It doesn’t matter if this person is friends with their friends, that’s how predators gain access!  You need to explain to your children, that you are excited to trust them. However, just like when a child learns to drive, a supervising adult must be in the car.  So too,  when they start using social media, they require some monitoring. 

They must keep their accounts private - which blocks their information from being disseminated throughout the internet, and blocks people from viewing their profile. They also need to know how to take a screen shot of something that they feel is threatening, inappropriate, or abusive. Your goal is also for your children to trust YOU and to be comfortable sharing their concerns and questionable scenarios they might encounter . You’re there to help them if they need it, not babysit them.

Going back to the driving analogy, it’s not only him/her you’re afraid of, it’s the other guy. You can explain to your children that you trust them, you just don’t necessarily trust the other people out there. As they prove that they are mature enough to handle all the issues that arise, you can increase your level of trust.

The last, and I might add, most debated issue, is that of privacy. Do your children have a right to privacy? I’m sure that there are many children’s advocates that will proclaim that every child has the right to complete privacy. Obviously, they never raised a child. I don’t think that any child living in your house deserves complete privacy until they have matured. That could be when they’re 14 or when they’re 17 – it really depends on the child.  

Just to reiterate, we’re discussing social media privacy here. Here are the main questions that I am asked.

1) Do we have the right to know our children’s passwords?
2) Is it wrong to install software that monitors our children’s usage including screen shots?
3) If we do install monitoring software, do we need to tell them about it?  
4) If my child shows me inappropriate comments from a different child in the neighborhood, am I obligated to tell their parents?

Many of these answers are based on the topic we discussed earlier, namely trust. If you trust your child, they probably earned the right to more privacy. However, there are many diverse ways to approach this, as most situations are different.
Parents who allow their children to use social media need to be keenly aware of how their children are utilizing this new technology.  It is also important for children to realize that, although they have their own phone and the freedom to use social media, it comes with certain expectations and boundaries.  

To reiterate, this e-mail is directed at parents who allow their children to utilize social media on their electronic devices. I’m not judging. I’m not condoning. I’m simply offering some  guidelines and hints that can help both you and your children learn to use social media in a safe, responsible, and appropriate fashion. 

All electronic devices must be charged in your bedroom at night. This will keep your children from using it at night, and give you a chance to check their social media activity.

1. Put monitoring software on the phone, and tell them you put it on. This will make them think twice before sending anything questionable.
2. Insist that you, as the parent, always know the passcode for your child’s smart phone. A good passcode is important to have on a smartphone. Don’t tell your kids, “No passcodes.” They protects the phone in case it’s ever lost or stolen.
3. Check all text messages.  Scroll through conversations to see what their friends are talking about and how your children respond. If you have questions about the conversation, talk it out with your child. You can  ignore the immature or silly conversations.  Focus more on anything that seems “off”.  
4. “Follow” one another. Your child should not be allowed to have a social media page unless they follow you and you follow them. In other words, you need to see anything they post publicly. 
5. Have a smartphone and electronic device curfew. Take all of them every night at bedtime. You can make exceptions, but those should be rare.
6. Set restrictions on electronic device usage.  No electronic devices are allowed at the dinner table. No electronic devices are allowed during homework time. Put up signs in their rooms to remind them.
7.  All Social media pages must be private. Instruct your children not to post their full name, address, phone number, birthday, name of school, their grade in school, or any personally identifiable information in their profiles. They should not accept “follow” requests or “friend” requests from people they do not know. It is not a popularity contest.
8.  We need to look out for each other. If you feel that a your child’s friend is sending inappropriate pictures or texts, you might want to tell his/her parents.
9. Use filters & restrictions. Most devices have a separate passcode for restrictions. Utilize this feature to ensure your children don’t purchase anything inappropriate.
10. Learn their habits. Your children will develop a cycle of electronic use. You should be able to identify the most common times they “disconnect”. Is it boredom? It is downtime? See if you can give more productive, non-electronic  alternatives.
11. No Surveys. Teach your children about the dangers of surveys that popup in these apps. They try and steal all sorts of personal information. Make sure they are aware of the dangers out there.
12. Be a good example. Show your children that you also put your devices away at family gatherings. Teaching by example is the best way! The calls, emails and texts can wait until later.
13. Last and most importantly, understand the apps they are using. Facebook is not used as much anymore. Instagram is also beginning to lose its status. Snapchat is growing rapidly. Whatever they are using, make sure you learn how it works and all the tricks.

Wishing you hatzlacha and a good Shabbos
YR