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Social Media Part II

2/23/2017

0 Comments

 
Last week, we began discussing the dangers of children and social media. We left you with the following 4 questions:

  1. Do we have the right to know our children’s passwords?
  2. Is it wrong to install software that monitors our children’s usage, including screen shots? 
  3. If we do install monitoring software, do we need to tell them about it?  
  4. If my child shows me inappropriate comments from another  child in the neighborhood, am I obligated to tell their parents?

Parents who allow their children to use social media need to be keenly aware of how their children are utilizing this new technology.  It is also important for children to realize that, although they have their own phone and the freedom to use social media, it comes with certain expectations and boundaries.  

To reiterate, this e-mail is directed at parents who allow their children to utilize social media on their electronic devices. I’m not judging. I’m not condoning. I’m simply offering some  guidelines and hints that can help both you and your children learn to use social media in a safe, responsible, and appropriate fashion. 

  1. All electronic devices must be charged in your bedroom at night. This will keep your children from using it at night, and give you a chance to check their social media activity.
  2. Put monitoring software on the phone, and tell them you put it on. This will make them think twice before sending anything questionable.
  3. Insist that you, as the parent, always know the passcode for your child’s smart phone. A good passcode is important to have on a smartphone. Don’t tell your kids, “No passcodes.” They protects the phone in case it’s ever lost or stolen.
  4. Check all text messages.  Scroll through conversations to see what their friends are talking about and how your children respond. If you have questions about the conversation, talk it out with your child. You can  ignore the immature or silly conversations.  Focus more on anything that seems “off”.  
  5. “Follow” one another. Your child should not be allowed to have a social media page unless they follow you and you follow them. In other words, you need to see anything they post publicly. 
  6. Have a smartphone and electronic device curfew. Take all of them every night at bedtime. You can make exceptions, but those should be rare.
  7. Set restrictions on electronic device usage.  No electronic devices are allowed at the dinner table. No electronic devices are allowed during homework time. Put up signs in their rooms to remind them.
  8.  All Social media pages must be private. Instruct your children not to post their full name, address, phone number, birthday, name of school, their grade in school, or any personally identifiable information in their profiles. They should not accept “follow” requests or “friend” requests from people they do not know. It is not a popularity contest.
  9.  We need to look out for each other. If you feel that a your child’s friend is sending inappropriate pictures or texts, you might want to tell his/her parents.
  10. Use filters & restrictions. Most devices have a separate passcode for restrictions. Utilize this feature to ensure your children don’t purchase anything inappropriate.
  11. Learn their habits. Your children will develop a cycle of electronic use. You should be able to identify the most common times they “disconnect”. Is it boredom? It is downtime? See if you can give more productive, non-electronic  alternatives.
  12. No Surveys. Teach your children about the dangers of surveys that popup in these apps. They try and steal all sorts of personal information. Make sure they are aware of the dangers out there.
  13. Be a good example. Show your children that you also put your devices away at family gatherings. Teaching by example is the best way! The calls, emails and texts can wait until later.
  14. Last and most importantly, understand the apps they are using. Facebook is not used as much anymore. Instagram is also beginning to lose its status. Snapchat is growing rapidly. Whatever they are using, make sure you learn how it works and all the tricks.
Wishing you hatzlacha and a good Shabbos
YR
 
Comments will not be posted this week until after Shabbos.
0 Comments

Social Media Part I

2/16/2017

20 Comments

 

Hi Rabbi Ross. After reading your emails for the past few months, my wife and I wanted to ask your opinion about something. We know that you are connected to two worlds, Chinuch and technology. Using your understanding of both, what do you think the best way to monitor our 13 year old daughter, who is using Instagram and Facebook? She gets all annoyed when we check up on her and ask to see her account, yet we think as parents we need to stay on top of this. What are your thoughts? Eli K. - Brooklyn 
​
There are many questions that parents must consider regarding the use of social media with children.  I will attempt to address a few of these concerns and perhaps continue our conversation next week.

Issue number one, is when to allow your children access to social media - including the main four: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. As we’ve discussed in previous articles, if all of their friends are on social media, it’s no longer a luxury for them to participate, but rather, a necessity.

If you’re too uncomfortable with that, your child might be in the wrong school. There are many schools that have strict rules regarding what their students can and cannot do in their spare time. If the school turns a blind eye to social media, you should have them at least educate the children, as a group, on the potential dangers that lurk there.

Even if your child is allowed access to social media, it must be monitored to some degree. He/she should only be allowed to access their accounts from one device, and only at certain times. Additionally, it might be a good idea to allow your child only one account. In other words, he can pick from Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, or any other. Each one has its pros and cons. The problem you’ll find, however, is that a lot of them connect to one another.

Nevertheless, you should not give them access to more than one “App” at a time. It becomes much more difficult for you to monitor (as we’ll discuss later), and even more difficult for your children to handle.

The second issue, is that of trust. Is it wrong to constantly check up on your children? Should we, as parents, be more trusting? I’m sure all of you would agree, that trust is earned. Initially, you need to constantly check up on them and make sure that they are being smart and safe online. You must be sure that they understand the dangers of social media, and the threats it poses.

It is imperative that you spend time with your children discussing various scenarios that they may encounter on social media. If your children don’t know someone, they should not allow them access to view their profile. It doesn’t matter if this person is friends with their friends, that’s how predators gain access!  You need to explain to your children, that you are excited to trust them. However, just like when a child learns to drive, a supervising adult must be in the car.  So too,  when they start using social media, they require some monitoring. 

They must keep their accounts private - which blocks their information from being disseminated throughout the internet, and blocks people from viewing their profile. They also need to know how to take a screen shot of something that they feel is threatening, inappropriate, or abusive. Your goal is also for your children to trust YOU and to be comfortable sharing their concerns and questionable scenarios they might encounter . You’re there to help them if they need it, not babysit them.

Going back to the driving analogy, it’s not only him/her you’re afraid of, it’s the other guy. You can explain to your children that you trust them, you just don’t necessarily trust the other people out there. As they prove that they are mature enough to handle all the issues that arise, you can increase your level of trust.

The last, and I might add, most debated issue, is that of privacy. Do your children have a right to privacy? I’m sure that there are many children’s advocates that will proclaim that every child has the right to complete privacy. Obviously, they never raised a child. I don’t think that any child living in your house deserves complete privacy until they have matured. That could be when they’re 14 or when they’re 17 – it really depends on the child.  

Just to reiterate, we’re discussing social media privacy here. Here are the main questions that I am asked.

1) Do we have the right to know our children’s passwords?
2) Is it wrong to install software that monitors our children’s usage including screen shots?
3) If we do install monitoring software, do we need to tell them about it?  
4) If my child shows me inappropriate comments from a different child in the neighborhood, am I obligated to tell their parents?

Many of these answers are based on the topic we discussed earlier, namely trust. If you trust your child, they probably earned the right to more privacy. However, there are many diverse ways to approach this, as most situations are different.
Parents who allow their children to use social media need to be keenly aware of how their children are utilizing this new technology.  It is also important for children to realize that, although they have their own phone and the freedom to use social media, it comes with certain expectations and boundaries.  

To reiterate, this e-mail is directed at parents who allow their children to utilize social media on their electronic devices. I’m not judging. I’m not condoning. I’m simply offering some  guidelines and hints that can help both you and your children learn to use social media in a safe, responsible, and appropriate fashion. 

All electronic devices must be charged in your bedroom at night. This will keep your children from using it at night, and give you a chance to check their social media activity.

  1. Put monitoring software on the phone, and tell them you put it on. This will make them think twice before sending anything questionable.
  2. Insist that you, as the parent, always know the passcode for your child’s smart phone. A good passcode is important to have on a smartphone. Don’t tell your kids, “No passcodes.” They protects the phone in case it’s ever lost or stolen.
  3. Check all text messages.  Scroll through conversations to see what their friends are talking about and how your children respond. If you have questions about the conversation, talk it out with your child. You can  ignore the immature or silly conversations.  Focus more on anything that seems “off”.  
  4. “Follow” one another. Your child should not be allowed to have a social media page unless they follow you and you follow them. In other words, you need to see anything they post publicly. 
  5. Have a smartphone and electronic device curfew. Take all of them every night at bedtime. You can make exceptions, but those should be rare.
  6. Set restrictions on electronic device usage.  No electronic devices are allowed at the dinner table. No electronic devices are allowed during homework time. Put up signs in their rooms to remind them.
  7.  All Social media pages must be private. Instruct your children not to post their full name, address, phone number, birthday, name of school, their grade in school, or any personally identifiable information in their profiles. They should not accept “follow” requests or “friend” requests from people they do not know. It is not a popularity contest.
  8.  We need to look out for each other. If you feel that a your child’s friend is sending inappropriate pictures or texts, you might want to tell his/her parents.
  9. Use filters & restrictions. Most devices have a separate passcode for restrictions. Utilize this feature to ensure your children don’t purchase anything inappropriate.
  10. Learn their habits. Your children will develop a cycle of electronic use. You should be able to identify the most common times they “disconnect”. Is it boredom? It is downtime? See if you can give more productive, non-electronic  alternatives.
  11. No Surveys. Teach your children about the dangers of surveys that popup in these apps. They try and steal all sorts of personal information. Make sure they are aware of the dangers out there.
  12. Be a good example. Show your children that you also put your devices away at family gatherings. Teaching by example is the best way! The calls, emails and texts can wait until later.
  13. Last and most importantly, understand the apps they are using. Facebook is not used as much anymore. Instagram is also beginning to lose its status. Snapchat is growing rapidly. Whatever they are using, make sure you learn how it works and all the tricks.
Wishing you hatzlacha and a good Shabbos
YR
 

20 Comments

Grandparent Time!

2/9/2017

25 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. My husband and I are at wit’s end. Our son is married with 4 kids, and is doing a miserable job with them. They have no manners, don’t eat properly, and get away with everything. When they come to us in Florida, it’s like WW3. Can we tell him and his wife to shape up? We are this close to disinviting them. Please help! Private in FL
 
As I’ve mentioned previously, I have a habit of over-analyzing these questions. When I read your email, I noticed that you didn’t refer to your son’s wife as your daughter-in-law. Actually, you left her completely out in the beginning, and only mentioned her in passing at the end.

I’m going to go out on a limb, and suggest that you are blaming her for these issues. Your son would never raise children like this, it must be his wife who is having such a negative influence upon him. Maybe I’m reading too much into this.  In any case, there are three points I would like to make.

Point one is illustrated by parents that smoke. I learned that there are generally two types of children of smokers. The first type is disgusted by cigarettes, and won’t go near one. The second type smokes.  When our children grow up, they act similarly. Some children love the way their parents raised them, and emulate their parents. Other children convince themselves that their parents did a horrible job, and they take an entirely opposite approach to parenting.

This doesn’t mean the original parent didn’t do a great job, it just means that your child didn’t agree. There are many similar manifestations of this phenomenon. I know a boy whose mother was a neat freak. He promised himself that he wouldn’t marry someone as “obsessive”.  He’s happily married, but his home is not what you would call neat.  Is he happy about it?  Only time will tell. 

The fact that you’re not happy with the way your son is raising his children isn’t shocking. You probably think that you did a better job, and perhaps you did. However, these are his children, and he has the right to raise them as he sees fit – together with his wife.

Point two is about the mistakes that parents frequently make. When I became a Rebbe, I was told, “Good Rebbeim make mistakes every day; great Rebbeim make new mistakes every day!” The same holds true for parents.

A big part of being a great parent is recognizing your mistakes and learning from them. Maybe you shouldn’t have raised your voice or gotten so annoyed.  Possibly you should have gone back to your child and given her a kiss goodnight, or just allowed him to take that extra snack.

Children are resilient.  It could be that you were too easygoing or strict initially, but, if you gradually change your methodologies, it’ll be fine. While it’s never fun observing your children make mistakes while raising your grandchildren, nevertheless, these mistakes are learning experiences. Hopefully, your son will realize that he’s making mistakes, and turn things around.

You can go over to your son and daughter-in-law and let them know that you’re always available if they have any parenting questions. You can say, “I think we did a pretty good job, judging by the way you turned out!”  After that, let it go.  Don’t keep repeating it, and don’t drop any hints.

The third and final point is about your home. You didn’t move to Florida to have your grandchildren wreck your house and embarrass you in front of your friends!  You can firmly tell your son and daughter-in-law, “In this house, there are certain rules that must be kept. Otherwise, you can rent a hotel, and we’ll gladly join you and help babysit.”

They might resent this. They might even be upset at both of you. That’s fine. If you let them walk all over you, you’re making the same mistake they are.

On the other hand, when they are staying by you, you need to be careful not to get involved with parenting issues. You can insist that they don’t wear shoes in the house, if that’s your rule. But you shouldn’t tell your grandchildren to chew with their mouths closed, or how to dress.

It’s a fine line to walk, and sometimes it can get a bit complicated. The trick is to clearly delineate to yourselves where that line is.  A suggestion would be, anything house related is fair game, anything manners or behavior related is off limits. You can create your own battle line, but whatever you do, stick to your guns.

I am deliberately not discussing the opposite issue here, namely grandparents getting overinvolved, or spoiling their grandchildren. That’s a completely separate article, although some of the underlying issues are certainly similar.
​
Wishing you (and your children) Hatzlacha.
Have a good Shabbos
YR
25 Comments

The Winner is...

2/2/2017

11 Comments

 
Dear Readers,

First of all, thank you! I’ve received over 200 responses via e-mail to the question from last week. [(To refresh your memories, here’s a link to the original question](http://www.yidparenting.com/blog/a-special-contest) It’s amazing what a $250 Gourmet Glatt card can do!  Seriously speaking, many of the answers were excellent, some of them were decent, and a few of them almost had me calling CPS (Child Protective Services).

Here’s the thing. There are many different types of “Torah observant Jews”.  We’ve even created labels for many of them.  Right, left, modern orthodox, black-hat, and many more. When I answer the many questions I receive, whether privately or publicly, I try to remain as neutral as possible. I’m not here to judge anyone’s level of observance.

That being said, many of the responses I received really worried me. Some were all annoyed that this mother was worried at all.  One person wrote, “Who cares about how they dress! You need to stop being so dramatic!”  Another person asked, “How can you even think this friendship is a viable option?  If they are not dressed appropriately, your kids need to be far away!”

You do realize that when you are judgmental, your kids will very likely turn out the same way.  (That’s not a good thing by the way.)  A friend of mine recently told me that his son has been making racist comments.  Not surprisingly, after some gentle prodding, he admitted that he makes racist jokes every once in a while. 

Our children pick up on _a lot_ more than we realize. We need to genuinely love and understand all types of Jews. A black-hat family might think that a modern orthodox family is “too modern”, but a Chassidishe family views the black-hat family as “too modern”.  We can’t start judging one another, as we’re all in this together. 

In other words, if you weren’t able to understand the question, you didn’t win. So many of you were on target, and I don’t have much to add to the winning entry.  I read and reread every response, and settled on one answer that I really felt epitomized my feelings as well.  Congratulations to Leah Zanziper from Flatbush for her winning response and thank you to all those that participated!

Here’s her response:

You sound like a smart, caring, down-to-earth and practical mother.  Like you said, you both come from non-religious backgrounds and took a tremendous step in your lives towards living a Torah lifestyle and all that that entails.

I think it's super important to share with your children both your struggles and accomplishments that brought you to who you are today. Be real, be honest, be vulnerable. Share with your kids why you chose to live this lifestyle, and why you chose to leave the lifestyle that you were raised in.

Obviously when you speak to them, it's in a respectful, non-judgmental way about your family and extended family.  Share with them the love of yiddishkeit that you have. Share with them the passion and commitment you have to Torah. Share with them the dreams that you had when you decided to become religious. Your children will fall in love with yiddishkeit hearing from you - your love, your passion and your enthusiasm.

Teach them the beauty of Tznius. Teach them it's not all and only about covering up, but rather about expressing who you are, and allowing your true identity to shine. Don't be rough and harsh. Share with them the meaning behind all the wonderful Mitzvos that we have. Of course there are challenges,  and peer pressure, etc.  But the more you pump them up with positively, the more they will feel it.

It's actually such a beautiful opportunity that you have to share of your true inner self with your beautiful children . They are mature enough to understand all that you are sharing with them. It will build your relationship and create a closeness with your children to that much of a greater level.

With that being said, I think that's the most important thing a child should feel. A child should feel a close connection to HaShem. They should feel a purpose in why they are living, and they should feel special and unique that they are privileged to have the beautiful Mitzvos and Torah!

When they feel "full" spiritually, and feel close to their parents who love them unconditionally, they won't be looking elsewhere.

It's important to be open with your children about how you feel about their cousins and the concerns that you have. You don't have to delve into all the details, but enough for them to feel that you’re on the same page. Ask them how they feel, discuss it. Talk about it.

Invite the cousins over to your home to "chill".  Make it a fabulous Torah exciting house to be in! Your love and enthusiasm will bounce off to the people surrounding you.

Lastly, you should speak to the cousins themselves. Talk to them in the kindest, loving, and thoughtful way. Be honest and truthful about your concerns that you have for your precious children.

Don't blame, don't criticize, don’t accuse, don't attack, just talk in the kindest way and share with them the way you feel. When a person speaks from their heart, and are truthful, they will get very positive responses!

One more thing I want to add. It's sometimes easier to "control " your kids and say "no" to them when you’re not comfortable with something they want to do.  But the long-term effects of actually talking to them, giving them of your time, explaining to them about life, and why certain decisions you’re making for them and with them, etc... that will be the greatest investment you'll ever make. They'll be able to talk to you and discuss it with you, and that's what will give them the most satisfaction long term.

Wishing you tremendous Nachas from all your lovely children and may they always shower upon you overflowing Yiddishe Nachas!


Leah, thank you for a wonderful response! 

Have a great Shabbos.
 YR
11 Comments

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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