Dear Rabbi Ross. I’ve become my mother. In many ways that’s a wonderful thing, but I’m talking about my obsession with Pesach cleaning. I’ve found myself getting aggravated with my five children on a daily basis since Purim ended, and I can’t stop. They bring Chometz all over the place, and don’t seem to take the cleaning seriously. I’m confused as to the proper approach. How can I convince my children to get more involved in the cleaning, and be more careful as Pesach approaches? Confused Mom – Far Rockaway.

Whenever people tell me that Pesach is an eight-day Yom tov, I laugh. It’s simply not true. Pesach is at least a month long in most households. As you pointed out so eloquently, once Purim ends, Pesach begins. For parents, it’s about using up all the Chometz and beginning the cleaning process. Children tend to have a slightly different view.  As a 4th grade boy told me last year, “After Purim is when the yelling begins.”

I would like to share a story that happened very recently, that really shook me to the core. A boy who is in 2nd grade won a donut from his Rebbe on Sunday. He had answered a very difficult question in class and was on cloud nine. When his mother came for pickup, he ran over with his donut and a huge smile. Before he could explain, his mother let him have it. “Don’t you THINK about bringing that into our car! We just had it cleaned, and I told you this ten times already!”

The spark from his eyes faded more with each word, and when she was done with her rant he was silent. He dropped the donut into the garbage and went into the “Kosher for Pesach” car.  As sad as this sounds, it happens all the time. It seems that many of us have lost sight about what Pesach really means. It’s about the kids. We are being handed an opportunity to teach our children about our history and it’s supposed to be an amazing experience.

I heard the following quote a few times. Some have attributed it to the Bostoner Rebbetzin, some to a Rav in Europe. “Don’t make Purim so Sameach that it’s not kosher, and don’t make Pesach so kosher that it’s not Sameach.” How do you know when you’re overdoing it? It’s not so simple. There are times you need to give your kids extra chores, and that’s okay. It’s also OK to be a little stressed at times. The issue becomes when you change your personality and become obsessive about things that aren’t so important.

I can’t answer your question about what to do since every family is different. Some children are naturally inclined to chip in, others complain at every opportunity. You just need to keep in mind that cleaning and preparing for Pesach isn’t an excuse to stop being a good mother.  As Pesach approaches, be sure that your children are excited for Yom Tov and all of its many special minhagim and mitzvos, rather than be stressed about the cleaning for Chametz.
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On another topic, last year I shared some fun Seder hints. Although I modified them somewhat for this year, the concepts are still the same. Enjoy!

1. It’s a great idea to have your younger ones take a nap on Erev Pesach. It won’t work if they’re all hyper, so giving them a book to read, and calling it “relaxing time”, might help. Kids don’t enjoy the Seder as much (and neither will you) when they’re overtired.
2. If your child has a Haggada from school, take it away when they come home. Give it to them at the Seder, so they have something to entertain and occupy themselves with.
3. While keeping proper Shiurim is very important, it might be a good idea to consult with your Rav before arguing with your 11-year-old about how much Matzah she ate.
4. Last year I gave out points to my kids – physical cards that I printed with points on them. They earned them for participation and behavior, amongst other things. The winners would go to a Mets game. Turns out that was more of a punishment. And I’m a Mets fan!  I still think it was a success, and I’ll be repeating the contest this year, albeit with a better variety of prizes.
5. Putting on skits with your spouse is always fun. You can even make teams and see who can act out the story accurately. Sometimes, pairing off an adult with a child can make it more fun. This might be a bad idea if you or your spouse are fiercely competitive.
6. A good question is better than a good answer.  If your children ask a question, you don’t need to answer it right away. Simply say, “That’s a great question – can you come up with an answer yourself?”  It makes them feel great and occupies them as well.
7. Try and keep everything age-appropriate, if possible.  Five-year-old children will not sit through Maggid, and fourteen-year-olds may not want to sing Dayenu.
8. You and your spouse can take turns going ahead in Maggid, while the other one engages the kids in fun discussions.
9. Seating arguments? Who has the better pillow? It’s not worth getting aggravated.  This special night only happens twice a year.  Do your very best to keep all the kids happy – even if they’re not being reasonable.
10. Try and be as prepared as possible to make everything seem more exciting.  Once they are waiting for the Matzah or Marror to be measured, they start to lose interest.
11. If you have age discrepancies, for example a fourteen-year-old and a five-year-old, it might be hard to find common ground.  In this case, try splitting the table up.  You can talk about Pharaoh to the younger one while your spouse listens to the Divrei Torah.
12. Having a long Seder for younger kids seems silly. The whole point of the Seder is to pique and maintain the interest of the children.  Why would you want to have a five-hour Seder?  Keep it moving.  Whereas there is no magic number, 2 ½ -3 hours is more than enough for younger kids.
13. When Yachatz arrives, it’s Afikomen time. Break the Matza and let your children hide it. When it comes time for tzafun, you have to find it. Don’t use the word “steal”. We don’t want to condone stealing of any sort.
14. Rewarding the kids for questions and answers is a fantastic idea.  Some parents give a small treat after their child has recited the Ma Nishtana. If you’re using food, try to stay away from candies, which will only hype up the kids. The end result will be a few overtired and extremely hyperactive kids moving around their chairs at supersonic speeds while asking, “Are we there yet?”
15. There’s a reason why children should not be drinking alcoholic beverages.  It’s not safe. I don’t even think it’s a good idea to pretend to give them alcohol (putting grape juice in the wine bottle).  Rather, give them a little bit on the bottom of their cups, and tell them when you they’re older, they can have a bit more.
16. This one is for the dads. Most of the women I know are frantically preparing for Yom Tov by shopping, cooking, cleaning, shopping, cooking, watching kids and shopping.  (When I say shopping, I’m not talking shoe shopping online. I’m talking about going to a supermarket with ten thousand other people, parking a mile away, and fighting for the last container of tomato sauce while simultaneously watching the three younger ones.)  The Seder night is their chance to sit back and enjoy.  Yes, we certainly want the kids to enjoy.  However, we can impart a great lesson if we tell the kids, “Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s help clean the table or serve, so Mommy can also enjoy seder night!” 

 
Wishing you and your family a wonderful and meaningful Pesach. This year in Yerushalayim!
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YR

Rabbi Ross. I’m not sure how many other people have this issue, but I feel like the Bar Mitzvah season has been getting worse. With my older children, they would get home the latest at 10:15, and that was on a Motzoai Shabbos. Nowadays, there are parties ending past 11:00 on school nights. My son refuses to come home before it’s over since he doesn’t want to miss the games. Is it me or is this becoming an issue? A concerned Mother – Woodmere

I would also be concerned if my son came back from a Bar Mitzvah after 11:00 on a school night. I always thought most schools had rules in place to ensure this didn’t happen. I think the cutoff time should be 10:00 P.M. – meaning that the boys must leave the Bar Mitzvah at that time. This cutoff time should come as a directive from the school, since, as you pointed out, it’s hard for parents to enforce.

There are a number of things that parents should consider when planning a Bar Mitzvah.
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1. Start time. Kids like to be on time. I know there are people who like to come fashionably late, but for the kids, it’s loads of fun, and they don’t want to miss anything. Therefore, you shouldn’t start the party immediately after Yeshiva, if possible. Maybe give them some time to get home and change. 
2. Hiring motivators. Although they can get pricey, motivators do a lot more than dance with the kids. They keep them quiet during the speeches, get them involved in all aspects of the party, and make sure they are behaving. There are many people who say that motivators are unnecessary. That depends on the class, the community, and a few other variables. 
3. Speeches. I mentioned last week that I wasn’t a big fan of speeches.  I can assure you that the boys at a Bar Mitzvah are certainly not excited about speeches. Even with having cellphones readily accessible, they still despise speeches. They want to dance. They want to have fun. Try to keep the speeches to a minimum. 
4. Hakaras Hatov.  Boys should be taught/reminded to go over to the Bar Mitzvah boys’ parents to say Mazel Tov and thank you. 
5. Davening. The whole point of the celebration is that your son is now a man. What better way to celebrate than by having him be the Chazzan for Maariv? Unfortunately, there are many parties that the boys attend, in which Maariv isn’t on the schedule. Men make these small minyanim, but the boys aren’t always aware of them. Please put Davening on the schedule.
6. Leftovers. Many caterers have their favorite non-profits where they can drop of the leftovers.  If not, please call your local Yeshiva or charitable organization and they will most likely be happy to pick up anything for the Bachurim or needy families.  It’s a double win. 
7. Music. There are really three choices you have when it comes to music. You can use a D.J. – they mix together songs from CDs (or MP3s) and usually have lights or strobes. It’s not live music, but it’s fun (and usually loud). There are One Man Bands, which are incredibly dynamic and can sound like an orchestra. They can also bring a singer, and it lends itself to more leibidig dancing. (I know that there are people that disagree).  Lastly, there are full bands. The most expensive choice – but you get what you pay for. Kids love to watch a complete ensemble. 
8. End Time. As I wrote at the beginning of the article, this should be set in stone. I know things tend to run late, but it’s unfair to the boys to keep them up till all hours.  If they have school the next day, it’s really a burden on the boys, their parents, and even their Rebbeim and teachers. 

It’s certainly a special occasion, and it’s important to celebrate this milestone.  But let’s make sure that it’s a celebration that everyone can enjoy, in the most appropriate and proper way.

Mazal Tov!
YR

Dear Rabbi Ross. My oldest son is going to be having his Bar Mitzvah in a few months, and he had an odd request. He told us that his friends hate long speeches and he doesn’t want any. He only wants to say a Dvar Torah and nothing else. My husband and I were going to ask the Rav, the Menahel and possible one other speaker to say a few words. Since we read your column every Shabbos at the table, we were wondering if you would share your thoughts. Yaakov K. – Teaneck.

First of all, Mazel Tov! It’s not surprising that your son’s friends were the ones that admitted they don’t like speeches. I would venture to say that many of the adults don’t like speeches very much either. I was at a Bar Mitzvah recently that had over 90 minutes of speeches!  While I’m sure that a few people enjoyed (no doubt spouses, or parents!), many of the guests were on their phones or talking quietly to someone else. Why are there so many speeches?

When I was younger I used to play as a one-man band at Bar Mitzvahs. I loved speeches. I was paid by the hour, and it was fantastic! This was before the days of cellphones, so I had to actually read a book to pass the time, but it was so relaxing and profitable!  As a Rebbe, I try to go to as many Bar Mitzvahs as possible. I must admit that it’s truly frustrating when I stop by for an hour and I end up sitting through an hour of speeches. 

It’s very important to have a Dvar Torah at a Seudas Mitzvah.  If the Bar Mitzvah boy is delivering a Dvar Torah, I would think that it would take care of this requirement, in addition to giving his parents and Rebbeim Nachas.  At my son’s Bar Mitzvah a few months ago, I introduced my son - who spoke for a few minutes and then made a Siyum, and we also had one Rav speak for four minutes. The total time spent on speeches was under twenty minutes. I can assure you that our guests were thrilled.

I guess what it comes down to is, why do you need more speeches? What’s the purpose? Many parents have told me they’re scared to offend their Rabbonim, so they ask them to speak. This includes their current Rav, the Rav where they used to live, the Menahel and their son’s Rebbe.  I’m not sure that this fear is justified.  If a Rav is offended because you didn’t ask him to speak, it’s a bit worrisome.

Certainly, you should thank all the Rabbomim, especially the ones that had, and have, an impact on your family or the Bar Mitzvah boy. Spend a few moments speaking about each one. Explain that you have decided to curtail the speaking, so everyone can enjoy themselves a bit more. You can say, “I would like to apologize in advance. There are so many wonderful Rabbonim that we could have invited to say a few words of Torah. However, after careful consideration, we’ve decided to minimize the speeches at this Simcha. Therefore, the only speakers will be my son and the Rav of our Shul.”

While I’m sure that all the speakers have something nice to say about your family, you need to read the room. If your guests are the type that would love to sit through an hour or more of speeches, then by all means, go for it.  I would venture to say, though, that most people don’t want to sit quietly for more than twenty minutes.

A few months ago, I went to a Bar Mitzvah in Brooklyn. While sitting through the 4th speaker of the program, I overheard someone comment, “Look at the boys on their phones! It’s a disgrace!” Meanwhile, almost every adult was either on the phone or talking to someone else. I truly feel bad for the boys. They want to dance. They want to have a fun time. They’re so pumped up… and now they’re sitting through speeches. To make things worse, everyone is judging them.

However, ultimately, you’re the parents. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re paying for the party. If you want to have six people speak, that’s your prerogative. Sometimes parents do things that children don’t understand, appreciate or even like. That’s just too bad. If you want my opinion, I am not a fan of speeches. Nonetheless, I’m not the one paying for your son’s party. You are. If your son really feels  strongly about this, he can pay for his own party. Furthermore, when he makes a Bar Mitzvah for his son, he can do it without speeches. You're the parents now, so you make the decisions.

Have a Good Shabbos and Mazel Tov!

YR