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Bar Mitzvah Ideas

3/15/2018

13 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. I’m not sure how many other people have this issue, but I feel like the Bar Mitzvah season has been getting worse. With my older children, they would get home the latest at 10:15, and that was on a Motzoai Shabbos. Nowadays, there are parties ending past 11:00 on school nights. My son refuses to come home before it’s over since he doesn’t want to miss the games. Is it me or is this becoming an issue? A concerned Mother – Woodmere

I would also be concerned if my son came back from a Bar Mitzvah after 11:00 on a school night. I always thought most schools had rules in place to ensure this didn’t happen. I think the cutoff time should be 10:00 P.M. – meaning that the boys must leave the Bar Mitzvah at that time. This cutoff time should come as a directive from the school, since, as you pointed out, it’s hard for parents to enforce.

There are a number of things that parents should consider when planning a Bar Mitzvah.
​
  1. Start time. Kids like to be on time. I know there are people who like to come fashionably late, but for the kids, it’s loads of fun, and they don’t want to miss anything. Therefore, you shouldn’t start the party immediately after Yeshiva, if possible. Maybe give them some time to get home and change. 
  2. Hiring motivators. Although they can get pricey, motivators do a lot more than dance with the kids. They keep them quiet during the speeches, get them involved in all aspects of the party, and make sure they are behaving. There are many people who say that motivators are unnecessary. That depends on the class, the community, and a few other variables. 
  3. Speeches. I mentioned last week that I wasn’t a big fan of speeches.  I can assure you that the boys at a Bar Mitzvah are certainly not excited about speeches. Even with having cellphones readily accessible, they still despise speeches. They want to dance. They want to have fun. Try to keep the speeches to a minimum. 
  4. Hakaras Hatov.  Boys should be taught/reminded to go over to the Bar Mitzvah boys’ parents to say Mazel Tov and thank you. 
  5. Davening. The whole point of the celebration is that your son is now a man. What better way to celebrate than by having him be the Chazzan for Maariv? Unfortunately, there are many parties that the boys attend, in which Maariv isn’t on the schedule. Men make these small minyanim, but the boys aren’t always aware of them. Please put Davening on the schedule.
  6. Leftovers. Many caterers have their favorite non-profits where they can drop of the leftovers.  If not, please call your local Yeshiva or charitable organization and they will most likely be happy to pick up anything for the Bachurim or needy families.  It’s a double win. 
  7. Music. There are really three choices you have when it comes to music. You can use a D.J. – they mix together songs from CDs (or MP3s) and usually have lights or strobes. It’s not live music, but it’s fun (and usually loud). There are One Man Bands, which are incredibly dynamic and can sound like an orchestra. They can also bring a singer, and it lends itself to more leibidig dancing. (I know that there are people that disagree).  Lastly, there are full bands. The most expensive choice – but you get what you pay for. Kids love to watch a complete ensemble. 
  8. End Time. As I wrote at the beginning of the article, this should be set in stone. I know things tend to run late, but it’s unfair to the boys to keep them up till all hours.  If they have school the next day, it’s really a burden on the boys, their parents, and even their Rebbeim and teachers. 

It’s certainly a special occasion, and it’s important to celebrate this milestone.  But let’s make sure that it’s a celebration that everyone can enjoy, in the most appropriate and proper way.

Mazal Tov!
YR
13 Comments
Aryeh F.
3/15/2018 04:32:11 pm

I have a question. What happened to kids dancing themselves without motivators. Are they not capable? How did this even become a thing?

Reply
Dani Gruen
3/15/2018 07:38:18 pm

My son refuses to be even a minute late. We can learn a thing or two from these boys. People need their events to run on time, and we show up so late. I do agree that start times need to be after school, but with your stop at 10:00 it doesn't leave much time for the party.

Reply
David
3/16/2018 12:04:32 am

We can learn a lot from kids. I’m pretty sure that they are on time because they want to have fun, not because they are super responsible though. Lol

Reply
Esty Gruen
3/15/2018 07:46:34 pm

A thousand times yes! Boys should certainly go over and say Mazal Tov! My children know that if they don't do this, they won't be going to any more parties! So important. Thank you!

Reply
Sholom Dov Ber
3/15/2018 08:21:38 pm

There are other options for music that are cheaper and just as much fun as a DJ. Rent a sound system for $200 and play a CD. There are so many that are perfect for such an event. On a separate note, thank you for these wonderful articles.

Reply
Daniel J.
3/15/2018 08:42:52 pm

Great article in the OU magazine! You're all over the place. Here's another Bar Mitzvah idea. Go to Israel and forget the party. It's cheaper, and leaves a longer lasting impression!

Reply
Aviva Pechstein
3/15/2018 09:49:48 pm

Rabbi Ross. You hit on some very important points in this email, and I am so grateful. The one that really struck me, was the Davening. I can't count how many times my son who is already 13, has gone to a Bar Mitzvah, and not Davened. He usually ends up Davening in the house which is so sad. Thank you for sharing.

Reply
Efraim Blinder
3/15/2018 10:39:15 pm

I loved the article about speeches. I also enjoy the fact that you brought up leftovers. It's such a waste, and families would love to have the food.

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Eliana Stern
3/15/2018 10:41:00 pm

The yeshivas must have an end time and not change it! Kids need their sleep, and getting home so late really affects their day.

Reply
Eliezer Schwartz
3/16/2018 12:39:17 pm

Your start time point is well taken. It’s hard to determine an exact time since so many people show up late. Therefore, families start and hour earlier than they want people to arrive. The kids feel obligated to arrive on time, and therein lies the issue.

Reply
Private
3/16/2018 12:40:11 pm

There are many great points here. I would add in one more. The Rebbe should be personally invited... not just an invitation in the mail.

Reply
Close Talmud
3/17/2018 11:06:24 pm

What happened to just dancing? I remember my bar mitzvah we just danced, and we had fun. Then again my 7th grade Rebbi taught us how to dance. Maybe the schools should look into that.

Reply
Eli Richardson link
2/24/2021 02:01:08 pm

It really helped when you talked about what you need to consider when planning a bar mitzvah. The other day I ran into an old friend, and we stopped to chat over a coffee. He mentioned that his son's bar mitzvah was getting closer, and he had no idea how to plan it. Neither he nor his wife has a lot of time to do it since they're busy with their jobs, so he doesn't know what to do and doesn't want to let his son down. That's why I said he could hire a manager to help him plan the whole deal, and he liked the idea of it, but I'll be sure to share this information with my friend anyways. Thanks for helping me learn more about how a bar mitzvah is done.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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