Bar Mitzvah Ideas

Rabbi Ross. I’m not sure how many other people have this issue, but I feel like the Bar Mitzvah season has been getting worse. With my older children, they would get home the latest at 10:15, and that was on a Motzoai Shabbos. Nowadays, there are parties ending past 11:00 on school nights. My son refuses to come home before it’s over since he doesn’t want to miss the games. Is it me or is this becoming an issue? A concerned Mother – Woodmere

I would also be concerned if my son came back from a Bar Mitzvah after 11:00 on a school night. I always thought most schools had rules in place to ensure this didn’t happen. I think the cutoff time should be 10:00 P.M. – meaning that the boys must leave the Bar Mitzvah at that time. This cutoff time should come as a directive from the school, since, as you pointed out, it’s hard for parents to enforce.

There are a number of things that parents should consider when planning a Bar Mitzvah.
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1. Start time. Kids like to be on time. I know there are people who like to come fashionably late, but for the kids, it’s loads of fun, and they don’t want to miss anything. Therefore, you shouldn’t start the party immediately after Yeshiva, if possible. Maybe give them some time to get home and change. 
2. Hiring motivators. Although they can get pricey, motivators do a lot more than dance with the kids. They keep them quiet during the speeches, get them involved in all aspects of the party, and make sure they are behaving. There are many people who say that motivators are unnecessary. That depends on the class, the community, and a few other variables. 
3. Speeches. I mentioned last week that I wasn’t a big fan of speeches.  I can assure you that the boys at a Bar Mitzvah are certainly not excited about speeches. Even with having cellphones readily accessible, they still despise speeches. They want to dance. They want to have fun. Try to keep the speeches to a minimum. 
4. Hakaras Hatov.  Boys should be taught/reminded to go over to the Bar Mitzvah boys’ parents to say Mazel Tov and thank you. 
5. Davening. The whole point of the celebration is that your son is now a man. What better way to celebrate than by having him be the Chazzan for Maariv? Unfortunately, there are many parties that the boys attend, in which Maariv isn’t on the schedule. Men make these small minyanim, but the boys aren’t always aware of them. Please put Davening on the schedule.
6. Leftovers. Many caterers have their favorite non-profits where they can drop of the leftovers.  If not, please call your local Yeshiva or charitable organization and they will most likely be happy to pick up anything for the Bachurim or needy families.  It’s a double win. 
7. Music. There are really three choices you have when it comes to music. You can use a D.J. – they mix together songs from CDs (or MP3s) and usually have lights or strobes. It’s not live music, but it’s fun (and usually loud). There are One Man Bands, which are incredibly dynamic and can sound like an orchestra. They can also bring a singer, and it lends itself to more leibidig dancing. (I know that there are people that disagree).  Lastly, there are full bands. The most expensive choice – but you get what you pay for. Kids love to watch a complete ensemble. 
8. End Time. As I wrote at the beginning of the article, this should be set in stone. I know things tend to run late, but it’s unfair to the boys to keep them up till all hours.  If they have school the next day, it’s really a burden on the boys, their parents, and even their Rebbeim and teachers. 

It’s certainly a special occasion, and it’s important to celebrate this milestone.  But let’s make sure that it’s a celebration that everyone can enjoy, in the most appropriate and proper way.

Mazal Tov!
YR