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What logo are you wearing?

3/30/2017

32 Comments

 

First of all, thank you for these wonderful emails. They are a huge part of our Shabbos table. Our question is concerning my son’s choice of Yarmulkas. I grew up wearing a black velvet yarmulke that covered a large part of my head. My son has begun wearing the ones they give out at Bar Mitzvahs to Yeshiva. Should I be fighting this? Will he grow out of it? Thanks for your help. - D & L Far Rockaway

The Bar Mitzvah yarmulkes are definitely an interesting addition to a teenage boy’s wardrobe.  The amount of thought and detail that goes into some of these logos is astonishing.  I always do a double-take when I see an older gentleman in shul wearing Tallis and Teffilin, with a Nike “Swoosh” yarmulke on his head that says, “Just Daven it!”  While not inspiring, it is certainly amusing.

However, I’m afraid I can’t answer your particular dilemma. A question like that really depends on your specific parenting style, and the way you interact with your children.  My 12-year-old son started wearing a yarmulke with a logo a year ago, and I asked him, “Please don’t wear those out of the house, as I don’t think it’s very appropriate.” That was the end of the discussion, and, Baruch Hashem, he doesn’t wear them anymore.

One father told me he had a similar discussion, but his son wanted to know, “What’s wrong with it?”  He explained, “Wearing a yarmulke is a Yid’s way of remembering that Hashem is always above us. Having Sponge Bob Square Pants, or a sports logo, on a Yarmulke seems a bit off.”  When his son replied, “Everyone else is wearing them”, he responded, “They’re not my responsibility, you are.” 

Every family is different. If your son is easygoing, and won’t put up much of a fight, by all means tell him not to wear them.  If your son will be more likely to make a big issue out of it, it might not be worth it. As a side note, I’m pretty sure this phenomenon is moving on to other religious items as well.  I recently saw a 14-year-old boy wearing Tzitzis with a photo of LeBron James on it.

If you’re asking my opinion on these Yarmulkes, I can’t help you. Whereas I don’t think it’s the best way to show your connection to Hashem, there might be children who may start wearing, or continue to wear, Yarmulkes because of the logos.  This much I can say. A Jewish boy should always wear a Yarmulke. Playing sports is not an excuse to stop wearing one, especially since there are nifty devices called bobby pins or clips, which do a masterful job of keeping them on.  As my Rebbe, who was bald, used to say, “I need thumbtacks!”    In any case, I would much rather see a boy playing basketball with a Donald Duck Yarmulke, than playing with nothing on his head.  

Getting back to your question. I have no clue what the dynamics are in your house. If your son will listen to you without putting up a fight, and the yarmulke issue really bothers you, take a stand.  It all comes down to the best advice I’ve ever heard - and it’s not just for parenting: Choose your battles.  If all of your son’s friends are wearing them in Yeshiva, and the Yeshiva has no problem with it, I’m not sure if it’s a battle worth fighting.  

Have a good Shabbos.
YR

32 Comments

Shabbos Activities

3/24/2017

10 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. Shabbos has become really difficult over the past few years. My older boys, ages 12, 9 & 7, insist on playing games that I never did as a child on Shabbos. They play football in the backyard, basketball on the block, baseball in the street, and all sorts of boards games that I always thought were forbidden. They also change into regular clothing as per my wife, but refuse to change back for Shul. I’m very unhappy about this, but my wife insists that unless I give them another option, I can’t take it away, since they’ll resent Shabbos. What do you think?  David
 
David, I thought about this question for many weeks, and I am truly stumped. Years back, I remember playing games like Sorry, Monopoly, and chess with my siblings, and once in a while playing outside in the playground. We never played sports. Then again, living in the city, there wasn’t much of an opportunity to play.

Nowadays, kids have easier access to fields, equipment and more. As you pointed out, making an issue out of playing outside can backfire. Your children can c”v come to resent Shabbos, and associate it with frustration and restrictions. In order to simplify the solution, we need to break down the main issues.

A) Is it okay for children to dress down on Shabbos? While some families wouldn’t even consider it, others don’t see a problem. In every community, “dressing down” can mean something totally different. To a mother from one Yeshiva, dressing down means black pants and a white polo.  A different Yeshiva might call that Shabbos clothes. They would call a tank top and shorts “dressing down”. In either case, is dressing down OK? 

B) Is it OK for children to play organized sports on Shabbos? Whether playing ball in a backyard, or on a basketball court.  Is this ok? 

C) What are alternative activities for kids to do on Shabbos? 

Believe it or not, this actually won’t be a long article, since the solution is really quite simple. There are two main ingredients that we need to juggle. Giving Shabbos respect while not making Shabbos a burden. Our goal as parents is to find the proper balance for each child.

I’ve listed some ideas that might help you find that balance. Wishing you Hatzlacha!
  1. Don’t be the bad guy.  Instead of arguing with your kids about what’s appropriate, tell them to ask the Rav themselves.  Incidentally, this won’t work if you don’t have, or listen to, your own Rav.
  2. If they are going to ask to dress down, beat them to it. Before the meal, ask your children to please change into different clothing so that they shouldn’t ruin his suit or her dress. This way, they’re doing it for a good reason.
  3. Ball playing is a sticky subject. If you aren’t sure, you need to ask your Rav. However, the general rule that I like to use is, nothing too organized or played in public. If they’re having a catch or playing a small pickup game in someone’s backyard, it’s one thing. If they start making serious teams in a park, it’s not as appropriate.
  4. There are Melachos of Shabbos that need to be watched. If a game is causing digging, knocking branches down, or anything similar, it needs to be toned down.
  5. A great trick is to create playdates with the kids that don’t get so involved in sports. This will usually have a calming effect on your child.
  6. There should never be a battle regarding going to Shul. If he doesn’t want to go, go without him. You can reward him for going, but don’t bribe him. Especially if he’s older.
  7. If you’re having a lot of issues with this, ask your child’s Rebbe or Morah for advice. They’re good like that.
  8. There are many great activities that can be played inside. Board games, knock-hockey, and so much more. Ask your friends for ideas.
  9. Dads. Your Shabbos nap is awesome – but if you shorten it, and hang out with your kids, good things will happen! (Unless it’s easier for your wife when you stay out of the way.)
  10. Most importantly, your children should never feel that Shabbos is restricting. If they are really pining to go outside and play ball, don’t fight it. Try to ensure that it’s for a limited amount of time, and then he’ll do something different.
  11. If you are having serious issues with this, go back to   step one, but this time without your children. A good Rav should be able to better assist with this issue.
If you have any other ideas, please share them in the comments section. Have a great Shabbos!
​
YR
 

10 Comments

Purim & Alcohol

3/9/2017

19 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. I know you were supposed to be emailing an article about Shabbos afternoon. However, I was wondering if in honor or Purim, you could discuss children and alcohol. I’m worried that my boys who are in high school, might drink on Purim. I’ve heard this can have serious consequences. Should we just keep them home? Sarah L.

I was going to share an article about Shabbos this week, but you are correct. It might be better to discuss alcohol, since Purim is around the corner.

I would like to think that the situation has improved over the past few years. Hatzalah and a few other organizations have been running amazing campaigns to raise awareness on the dangers of drinking.

There are some Yeshivas and Rebbeim that make jokes about this. I had a Rebbe that said, “Drinking is to Purim what oxygen is to people.” I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure that alcohol overconsumption can cause serious injury or death, c”v.

I would like to share some Purim tips that I’ve come up with over the years. Enjoy, and as always, please let me know your thoughts.

Children are allowed to drink alcohol for religious purposes in many states with parental supervision and state-specific requirements. You would have to check the particular laws of your state, but if your son’s school gives them alcohol, (or looks the other way) they can land in some serious trouble. It might be a good idea to bring this to their attention.

Anyone (including dads and uncles) who is a bad drunk (violent, abusive, inappropriate, etc.) should not drink.

If you do drink on Purim, it should be as part of the Seudah. This way your children associate the drinking with the Mitzvah.

If you are planning to drink, (and I’m not condoning it), it should not be the focus of the day.

If by drinking, your wife will have a difficult time, you should probably not drink.

If your teenager wants to spend Purim in Yeshiva, you need to make it clear to him and the Yeshiva that he is forbidden from consuming anything with alcohol. Make sure it’s in writing to the Yeshiva.

I would suggest getting him an ÜBER (or a responsible mode of transportation) to and from Yeshiva, if you’re not driving him.  Don’t let him go with friends.

If your older teenager wants to have a L’Chaim, make sure it’s after eating a nice amount of bread.

Purim should be a happy day. Try to make it a fun day for your kids.

There is a new concept going around for younger kids. Instead of giving Shalach Manos to a few friends, the class gets together at one house and they exchange bags.  Some classes exchange one candy/nosh in lieu of a Shalach Manos bag.  As sweet as this sounds (pun intended), I’m not sure if it’s the point of Purim.  Although it’s inclusive, it’s also more expensive and possibly inconvenient. I am not sure what to make of it. Many Rebbeim have shared with me that they are uncomfortable with it.

The Purim Seuda should include lots of fun, singing and perhaps even Purim games, which focus on Purim themes/mitzvos.

In anticipation of Purim, let your kids be involved in the shalach manos and costume preparations.  It might also be a fun idea to let them make signs or pictures to decorate the door/house.   

Any other great ideas? Please feel free to post them on the blog.

Have a Freiliche Purim & a good Shabbos
​
YR
19 Comments

We're in this together

3/2/2017

14 Comments

 
It was a little over a year ago when Yidparenting began. Originally meant for a small group of parents, it has, Baruch Hashem, blossomed into an article read by many people weekly. However, over the past few months, I’ve noticed a certain disturbing trend which I would like to address.

There are many types of Jews. Some men wear a Gartel when they Daven, some don’t even wear a hat. Some women wear a sheitel, some a tichel, and some don’t cover their hair at all.  Nonetheless, they’re all still Jews.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and understand that we’re all on the same team. You might be wondering why I’m bringing this up.  Allow me to explain.  About three months ago, I began receiving emails that really bothered me. Here’s a sample of a few of them:

“I am greatly confused about your Shul article. Who cares if the kids go to Shul?  Half of the adults don’t Daven. This is a non-issue. People need to chill out a bit, being overly religious becomes fanatical.”

“I can’t believe you’re advocating kids having smart phones. They are tools of the Yetzer Hara! I’m quite disgusted!”
“Please write an article about girls dressing more Tzniusdik in the street. It’s really horrible!”

“I’m writing regarding your article about music. Do you really think it’s a bad thing for kids to listen to non-Jewish music? What’s the problem with it?  What’s next – wearing a shtreimel?”

My Bubby, A”H, used to tell me, “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all!” If other Jews are not 100% like you, does that make them wrong?  Aren’t we supposed to be understanding?  I have seen Gedolai Yisrael talking to Jews that were not religious. They didn’t seem to be judging them. Does sending your son to a particular Yeshiva make him a better Jew?

On the flip side, if there is a Jew that wants his son to wear a black hat, why does it bother you?  I was flabbergasted when I got a call last week from a friend who told me, “Frummies are taking over the 5 towns!”

How does this relate to parenting, you might ask?  It’s pretty simple. Good parents don’t judge other people. They teach their children to be tolerant of others, and they lead by example. Making a comment, or even rolling your eyes when someone is different than you, is a horrible idea.

Let’s work together, in unity, to bring Moshiach.  Being understanding of others is a great starting point, and smart parenting. Next week, the article will address a fascinating question about Shabbos activities.  I hope you all enjoy.
​
Have a great Shabbos

14 Comments

    Author

    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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