Parenting
  • Parenting Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact Us
  • Submit a Question
  • Index
  • Signup

A Surprise Part II

12/22/2016

12 Comments

 
Dear Readers,

Occasionally, the article I write generates a lot of conversation (which is a polite way of saying controversy). The last article I wrote regarding young Rebbeim was one such article. Although many people agreed with and enjoyed what I wrote, I received quite a few interesting emails over the past few days. Therefore, I will respond to a few of them this week, and we’ll continue the regular article next week.

Rabbi Ross. Although I usually enjoy your emails, I was a little taken aback by this last one. I am what you might call a young Rebbe. I spend hours preparing and learning from other Rebbeim, and B”H I have really been having an amazing year. I felt that in your email, you were generalizing tremendously. There are many fantastic aspects that fresh blood brings to the table. – A local Rebbe

During an average week, I have one or two boys come to me, complaining that, “Someone called me stupid”. After reassuring him that I will deal with it, I indubitably ask, “If someone called you a three-legged mongoose, would that bother you?” When he says “No,” I continue, “That’s because you’re not a three-legged mongoose. Now, since you’re not stupid either, that shouldn’t bother you as well.”

The same applies here. The article was not focused only on young Rebbeim. It was directed at Yeshivas that allow parents to run the school, parents that are overprotective, and young Rebbeim that don’t yet have (or are attempting to acquire) classroom management skills. You seem to be an excellent Rebbe and are constantly improving yourself, and therefore the last topic doesn’t really apply to you.

Regarding the “Generalizing” point, this is an email that goes out to thousands of people B”H, and is read in newspapers weekly. I am discussing the general topic of parenting and Yiddishkeit, so yes, I will be generalizing. It’s not ever intended to insult or offend anyone, Chas Veshalom.

Hi. I’ve noticed that you seem to be defending older Rebbeim. My son had a Rebbe in yeshiva that turned him off to Yiddishkeit.  These Rebbeim need to go if they can’t understand children and the importance of showing love. R.L.
You brought up a number of points in this email, and I’ll try to respond to each one.
  1. I am not defending “Older Rebbeim”. There are many older Rebbeim, (especially some of mine when I was a kid) that have no business being in a classroom.  However, there are many Rebbeim that, while they might not be the warmest, or offer the biggest smiles, they do have a good understanding of your child, and the critical skills he needs in order to learn on a higher level.  However, even if a Rebbe doesn’t smile a lot or isn’t super warm, he needs to somehow convey to his Talmidim that he cares about them as a person – not just their technical proficiency. 
  2. I’ve heard from a few parents that a specific Rebbe “Turned their child off”. That’s not a very common scenario. More often than not, there were underlying issues that came to the fore with this Rebbe. If the home is a solid and safe place, filled with a Simchas HaChayim towards Yiddishkeit, then one bad Rebbe should not have such a disastrous effect. In any case, if a Rebbe is having such a negative effect, and the Yeshiva doesn’t get involved, something is seriously wrong.
  3. Your last point is certainly correct. If any Rebbe cannot understand children, does not show love, and doesn’t seem to be improving, he should be shown the door.


If my memory serves me well, you taught my son in 7th grade, when you were 20 years old. He had a great year, but you did not have a green thumb.   What steps did you take to improve over the years? Sara G.

I remember your son well.  First of all, it was a very different generation 20 years ago. The parents were less involved, and the administration was more supportive of the Rebbeim. I spent my summers meeting with professional Mechanchim, and my afternoons sitting in on other classes.  I worked on my curriculum continuously, always looking for ways to improve the lessons in a way that would most benefit the class.

In other words, being a Rebbe or teacher is not just a static job, it’s a lifelong commitment. It requires continuous preparation, effort and the ability to adapt to each new class (and generation).  Additionally, while it’s always advisable to do what you love, it is an absolutely fundamental requirement in order to be a successful Rebbe or Morah.   You must be enthusiastic about your role as a Mechanech and love teaching children in order to be able to do your job. 
 
Rabbi Ross, I’m a bit confused. I’m a parent of 3 children in various Yeshivos. Are you suggesting that I not be involved in their education?  Shayna B.

Great question! I did write that “Parents call and complain that their children are not coming home happy.” The problem is threefold.
  1. Parents should definitely be involved in their children’s education.  However, they shouldn’t be so quick to always defend their children. When your child comes home and says, “My Rebbe is giving too much work”, it shouldn’t be an excuse to get all annoyed at the Rebbe. You should tell your child, “I’ll speak to the Rebbe – you focus on acting like a Ben Torah and getting good grades.”  In other words, let your child know you care, but don’t necessarily take his side.  Remember, getting good grades is the end result…. your child’s job should be to try their hardest.                                                                                              
  2. The use of WhatsApp and other social media has harmed many Rebbeim and teachers horribly. What starts off as an innocent question, “Does anyone have the Rebbe’s homework?” quickly spirals out of control. “How come Rebbe is so unorganized?!” It is inadvisable for parents to have a class chat without the Rebbe and teacher in on it. In my class this year, the teacher and I are the admins, and it’s B”H very helpful.  Parents are able to ask a question and quickly receive a response, without it turning into a Loshon Hara/complaint fest.
  3. The most important issue, in my opinion, is the complaints. Let’s imagine that your son came home and said, “The Rebbe called me an idiot!” Nowadays, the parents call up the Menahel and let loose. The next day the Menahel calls in the Rebbe and says, “A parent called and complained that you called their son an idiot.”
There are so many things wrong with the above scenario.
  1. The Rebbe was not contacted to verify the story. Maybe he told the boy, “That’s an idiotic thing to do”, after the boy ran around stabbing boys with a pencil?
  2. Why not speak to the Rebbe? Would you rather have a customer tell you of an issue they have with you, or go straight to your boss? Going over a Rebbe's head, fosters a sense of distrust – not a good ingredient for Chinuch.
  3. You can tell your son, “Name calling is absolutely unacceptable…though I do wonder what led up to this event.” Give him the opportunity to elaborate on the details, remembering to take everything with the proverbial grain of salt.
I really enjoy your articles every week. Last week’s article brought up an issue that I have as a Rebbe. What if I don’t love a boy in my class? Somehow, he gets under my skin, and I don’t think I’m giving him a fair shake.  Anonymous in Far Rockaway

I really am trying to stay away from these questions. However, it’s surprising how many questions I received that were similar to yours. The answer to your question is long, and I won’t go into detail in this article. I will, however, share my initial thoughts.

Part of being a Rebbe, is finding the beauty in every Talmid. While there are children that can act annoying, and even those that really drive you crazy (or their parents do), you need to search for their special talent or Middah. I can assure you, the child knows he’s not loved. You need to go out of your way to give him positive attention, and make him understand that you really care. If you just can’t do it, this may sound harsh, but there are a lot of jobs out there that may be more suitable. Being a Rebbe is a privilege.

Rav Dessler says in Michtav M’Eliyahu, the root of “Ahava” – love, derives from the word “Hav”, which means to give.  The more you give, the more you come to love someone.  That’s why Hashem created babies to be so dependent on their parents.  The more we give them, the more feelings of love are created.  At first, the giving might be “forced”, but the more you go out of your way to help this particular child (calling on them, extra smiles, a pat on the shoulder, etc…), the more you can learn to, and will, love them for who they are.  You can be the one that will start him on the path to success!
​
Wishing you all a wonderful Shabbos.
 
YR
12 Comments
Chaim Leib
12/22/2016 04:44:38 pm

I know who the first person is! I hope he wasn't trying to remain anonymous. Great responses. You were not being harsh at all. If a Rebbe can't love all his Talmidim, he needs to look elsewhere for employment.

Reply
Faigy Karp
12/22/2016 04:45:54 pm

Don't you get emails every week. How come you responded this week? Not that I'm complaining, I truly enjoyed. I was just wondering what led up to the responses.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
12/22/2016 09:11:41 pm

Usually, the responses are comments. This article apparently hurt some feelings.

Reply
Chana
12/22/2016 04:54:36 pm

I love it. Finding the beauty in every child. It's there - you might need to look hard.

Reply
Zevy L.
12/22/2016 04:57:03 pm

Great response to the first person. "Three legged mongoose." Classic. I was also unsure why he took it personally.

Reply
Elisha C.
12/22/2016 05:43:45 pm

The whole Social Media is a curse on us all. Wonderful responses.

Reply
A Zaide
12/22/2016 05:45:01 pm

You think your Rebbes were bad? You should have seen mine! Nightmares! Nowadays, the kids have it easy.

Reply
B.D.
12/22/2016 05:46:38 pm

As harsh as it sounded, I agree with you. If a Rebbe can't love every child, he needs to find a new job. It's that easy. My Wife and I really appreciate the time you put into these. Thanks!

Reply
David
12/22/2016 09:07:55 pm

Rabbi Ross. I've heard rumors that you're writing a book for Rebbes. Is this correct?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
12/22/2016 09:10:46 pm

David. I wish I knew where you got your information from. :-)

Reply
N.L.
12/23/2016 12:01:18 pm

Nice answers. I'm gathering many of the questioners didn't read it very thoroughly.

Reply
Mr. Sensitive.
12/23/2016 12:47:27 pm

FYI, the link did not work in my email. I had to manually type in your website and go to the blog. A lot of extra work on my part. :-)

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

    Archives

    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016

    Categories

    All

Home

Donate

Sign Up

Blog

Contact

Copyright © 2020
  • Parenting Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact Us
  • Submit a Question
  • Index
  • Signup