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Bar Mitzvah

10/26/2017

9 Comments

 
Dear Rabbi Ross. My son just turned 12, and my husband is losing his mind. My son does not want to Lain his Bar Mitzvah Parsha since it’s too long, and my husband insists that he must lain the entire thing. He also wants him to make a Siyum. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. As we read your articles every week, we decided to ask your opinion. Chana – Far Rockaway.
 
Thank you for your vote of confidence. There is actually a simpler and quicker way to get a response to a question like this; simply ask your Rav. I’m pretty sure that most Rabbonim will tell you the following. There is no Halacha that a Bar Mitzvah boy must Lain his Parsha.

There are some other options out there that you might want to discuss with your husband.
  1. He can lain part of the Parsha. This is very common and there is nothing wrong with it.  In many cases he would Lain the first Aliyah, and then the last one as well as the Haftorah.
  2. He can choose an easier Parsha.  There is no Halacha that requires a specific Parsha to be Lained. If his Parsha has 147 Pesukim, the next one might have 105. (Bonus points if you know which Parshiyos I’m talking about).
  3. He can Lain on a Monday or Thursday (or Rosh Chodesh for that matter).
  4. He can do the Haftora only. I’ve been to Shuls that they don’t even let the Bar Mitzvah boy lain.

The other question is, why doesn’t your son want to Lain? There are a few reasons that come to mind.
If it’s because he is nervous and/or has stage fright, maybe let him practice in a Shul. It’ll make him more confident. If the problem is his Kriah - he does not read Hebrew well, that’s a pretty big issue. It’s much more difficult for a twelve-year-old to work on his Kriah. You can certainly practice with him, but it might not be a good idea to go for the whole Parsha.  If he is feeling too stressed because he’s expected to speak, has a party coming up, or whatever else, maybe discuss it when he’s calmer.

You didn’t mention who was planning on teaching him the Parsha. That can make a huge difference as well. Although I know how to Lain, and I can teach, I don’t teach my own children the Laining.  In many cases, this causes an additional level of stress. Yes, there are some families that can pull this off, but I don’t recommend it. I hired a Rebbe to teach my boys, and pretty much stayed out of it.

Regarding the Siyum, you reminded me of a funny story. I went to a Bar Mitzvah a few years ago, and the boy and his father made a Siyum on Gemara Mesechta Sotah. Since they were good friends, I didn’t mind having a little fun. I walked over to the boy and said, “I’m actually a bit confused on a Gemara on Daf 32, maybe you can help?” He replied, “You should probably ask my father.” When I asked his father, he told me, “Well, we didn’t really learn the whole thing.”  It turned out that they made the Siyum on that Mesechta, because it was the only Artscroll they had in the house!

They hadn’t learned a word. The father wanted his son to make a Siyum. They compromised.  I think that if the Bar Mitzvah boy wants to make a Siyum that’s beautiful. He can start anywhere from a year to seven years earlier. It’s beautiful. If he doesn’t want to, that also fine.

There are many beautiful things a boy can do to add significance to his Bar Mitzvah. He can donate a 10th of his money to Tzedaka. He can get involved in, or raise awareness for, an organization that helps others. It doesn’t have to be a Siyum.   The goal should be to introduce him to additional Mitzvos now that he’s a “Man”.

While making a Siyum is a tremendous accomplishment, it should not ever be considered a requirement. When your son becomes a Bar Mitzvah, it should be a joyous occasion, one that makes him feel good about himself and proud to be a Jew. Making it stressful is counterproductive.

Wishing you a good Shabbos (and an early Mazal Tov!)
​
YR
9 Comments
Shaya L.
10/26/2017 05:56:05 pm

So many great points. I'm in total agreement. No need to layn, no need to make a siyum. Do Mitzvos.

Reply
Eliezer Kahn
10/26/2017 05:59:26 pm

Spot on! Leave the kids alone!

Reply
Beth
10/26/2017 06:05:01 pm

My son just had his Bar Mitzvah, and didn't read from the Torah or even speak. Instead he helped package food for less fortunate. That's way better.

Reply
Elie
10/26/2017 07:25:08 pm

Way better? You can't know that. In your case, it might have been better. Some kids can make a Siyum, some don't. It's not about better or worse.

Reply
Chaim Leib
10/26/2017 06:17:11 pm

Correct. There's not reason to put additional pressures on a boy going through puberty. We should just put a stop to this.

Reply
Devora Sara
10/26/2017 07:21:42 pm

I'm a teacher and I absolutely agree with this article. It is ridiculous how so many parents push their children into doing things that are not required. These days, we need to understand that that kids don't need extra material unless they ask for it.

Reply
D.W.
10/26/2017 07:33:04 pm

This is ludicrous. Why are we so soft on these kids. Boo Hoo! They have such a hard life. We had to Lain. Let them Lain. Let's stop babying these kids, and maybe they'll grow up.

Reply
Shevy Semmel
10/26/2017 07:59:27 pm

Most of the Bar Mitzvah boys I know are willing to Lain without much of an argument. I guess in different communities there are different standards.

Reply
david lewin
1/18/2018 11:37:25 am

Hi
I just read the article in the 5ts paper Jan 19 and then cheeked the original and you are on the mark.
I have been teaching and preparing Bar Mitzvah boys for 50 years and find that there are only a few boys who have the ability to continue after their Bar Mitzvah These boys I have lain in our Shul as well as other Shuls (there they get paid) and keep having them add different Parshios in order to build up their repertoire I have boys who are now men, married and help out their respective shuls to Lain for them
I am also in agreement that a boy does not have to do everything, he can do Maftir, or Haftorah. They have so much pressure from school let them breath . My motto is no matter what you do a lot a little you can still become President.
Now I am proud to say one of by students has become President. No not of the USA but Of YU.
All the best Gut Shabbos
David Lewin

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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