Cell Phone Discussion

Rabbi Ross. My children are begging me for a cellphone. They have reasons ranging from, “Everyone else has one” to, “It’s easier to keep you updated.” My husband and I are quite hesitant, but they are very persistent. We were wondering how you felt about this issue.  Ahuva – Teaneck N.J.
 
Ahuva, thank you for your question. This is one of most common questions I receive, and I held off on responding until my own kids began to ask for one. When children want something these days, the word “no” is no longer an acceptable answer. When they hear “no” they translate it to, “Ask 4,000 more times and maybe I’ll get a better answer.”
 
Why do kids want a cell phone? (I apologize in advance for the sarcasm). First of all, as you pointed out, everyone has one.  It's a form of child abuse to not give your children something that everyone else has. Second of all, what if there's an emergency? Or they need to contact the proper authorities! Most importantly, they need to be able to text their friends. How else are they supposed to communicate?
 
To us, it seems foolish. What do kids, even kids in high school, need a phone for? They get on the bus, they go to school, and come back home.  It's not just any phone that they want. Try giving them an “old school” flip phone, and you’ll hear true cries of agony. “How can I text?”
 
 Obviously, it is beyond the scope of this article to fully appreciate all the pros and cons, but these are the primary ones. Let's go through the pros of giving them a phone:
 

• You can track them.
• You can reach them quicker.
• If there is an emergency, they can be in touch.

 
Let's review the cons:
 

• It's expensive…. especially since it'll break a few times.
• Children who text constantly, might not develop proper communication skills.
• If they have Internet access, it can lead to many serious problems.
• Children with smart phones frequently become loners, or socially inept
• Many WhatsApp chats that kids belong to are not necessarily appropriate.  Even as adults, many chats can unfortunately become breeding grounds for Loshon Hara. 

 
To make this discussion more interesting, many schools don't even allow phones. As a result, if you allow your child to bring in a phone for emergencies even if it's off, you're teaching him to disobey rules. If you think that your son is handing in the phone to the administration every day, I've got a bridge to sell you. Even if your son would be willing to, after a few weeks, the school will stop collecting them.
 
Getting back to your question, I can't really answer it. There are so many variables involved, that each family has to works best for them.  However, I will certainly share some ideas that might assist you in making your final decision.

1. In order to have a phone, your child should prove that he/she is responsible. How they prove that to you is really your call (pun intended). You might say, “Do your chores properly for 2 weeks, and you’ll show us that you are a responsible young adult”.
2. You need to trust your child as well. Trust is earned. If your child is dishonest with you, they are not ready for a phone yet.
3. You might want to make sure your kids realize that the phones don't belong to them, but they can use them as needed. The difference is, they can't play with it in the house, but can only use it when going out.
4. Texting is a separate problem.  I’ve suggested to parents that they set their children up with e-mail accounts rather than allow texting.  It’s easier to monitor (if set up properly).
5. If you provide them with a smart phone, do not allow them to have games on it. (You can block downloads by using the restrictions settings) If they want to play games, let them do it on an iPod or iPad.  If they use the smartphone for games, it will seem impossible for them to stop.
6. Install software that records how the phone is being used.  Just the knowledge that it’s installed will keep them from sending inappropriate texts.
7. Social Media should be off limits. This includes Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, and everything else.
8. What’s App is a great way to keep a family chat going – but it can also be a way for kids to read things in a chat that you might not want them to see.
9. If your child really wants to own a phone for bragging rights, maybe let him “keep” your phone. This way he can tell his friends he has an iPhone 6 plus, but he can’t take it around with him. It’s an easy win/win that has worked many times.
10. Any password must be shared with you, as parents, until they are old enough to understand the dangers of the internet.
11. It is a great idea to have your children attend a class discussing the dangers of posting pictures or information to the internet.
12. This is not necessarily phone related, although texting something to a friend, can be tantamount to sharing with the world.
13. If you will not be allowing your child have a phone, don’t brush him or her off. Have a sit down discussion with him and your spouse, and explain that you gave it serious consideration.  You might say, “Although you have been proving your maturity, we don’t want to give you a cell phone yet. Keep up the great work, and we’ll reconsider in the future.”

 
Have a good Shabbos!
 
YR