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Discipline Continuation... 

4/7/2016

21 Comments

 

Due to the many requests via e-mail, (and a few on this blog), I am continuing last week’s article. Specifically, I will be focusing on tips and tricks to help parents discipline their children in constructive ways.
 
Hi. I read your article last week, and enjoyed it greatly. My wife and I were wondering if you could elaborate a bit more. We are having serious discipline issues with our 5 and 9-year-old boys, and don’t like to hit them. We end up threatening a lot which ends up backfiring, since they don’t even care anymore. A perfect example would be an incident that happened last night. My nine-year-old left the toilet seat down when he used the restroom. When my wife told him to clean up his mess, he said “I’m not in the mood!” She was so upset, she sent him to bed almost an hour early. What else can we do if we’re not hitting or threatening? I feel like we have no more options.              Sruli – Passaic
 
Thank you for reading. I hope you understand that these articles are designed to assist parents in a general fashion, addressing typical parenting challenges.  If you are at wit’s end, you would need to speak to a Rav, or guidance counselor, who would be able to assist you on a more personal level.
 
In the e-mail last week, we discussed proper consequences for misbehavior. Your question raises a wonderful point. What possible consequence can there be for “missing the toilet?”  You certainly can’t take away bathroom privileges from your son!
 
Before we get into this discussion, I want to take a small step back. If your son tells you “I’m not in the mood,” he’s basically saying, “No” to you. What can you do when your child says “No” to you (and we’re not talking about a three-year-old).  In some houses this would be grounds for a Patch on the rear, but many parents don’t want to do this (or are afraid they won’t maintain control).
 
These days, it has unfortunately become more common for children to be disrespectful, as Chazal teach us, Niskatnu Hadoros – we are victims of the times in which we live.  I think that parents need to be pro-active regarding disrespect. You need to have a game plan just in case one of your children throws down the proverbial gauntlet. There are three ideas that I would suggest trying when your kids challenge you.
 
1)            Instead of making meaningless threats, give an immediate imaginary punishment that requires no action. Here’s an example. “I was thinking of picking you up early from school this week, but since you aren’t able to listen properly I guess it’s a bad idea. Maybe I could rethink this if you listen very quickly to Mommy and Daddy for the next few days.”  This is somewhat of a consequence, gives him/her a way out, and doesn’t require action on your part (unless he really improves – then you’ve got to take him out early from school).
 
2)            Another fun trick, is to make an imaginary phone call. When your daughter says “I’m not doing it!”, you don’t need to get upset. Simply pull out your cell phone (I know you have it with you) and make a “call”. It should sound like this. “Hi! Aliza said she’s not doing it. OK. I won’t tell her. Great. Thanks so much!”  Then put the phone away and walk out.  In most cases, your daughter will say, “Who was that?”  Just smile, ignore her question, and say, “Children that don’t listen properly must have a serious consequence. If you want to change my mind, prove to me that you can listen quickly.” My Rebbe used to call this "Fear of the unknown."
 
3)            Choose your battles. If you feel that your child is in a seriously defiant mood, don’t ask any questions that could lead to a confrontation. If your child says “No”, and you are able to ignore him, go for it.  Keep in mind that if your child is defiant frequently, you should seek the guidance of a Rav or a professional to figure out if there is an underlying issue.
 
Now that we’ve discussed the issue of dealing with “No”, let’s go back to the original problem. Your son has just marked the territory around the toilet.  What’s a good consequence?
 
I would call him to the bathroom, and put some paper towels in his hand. Explain that he needs to clean up the mess he made, and close the door. You do need to know your child well. If he’s the type to clean up the mess and come out, great. If he’s incapable of eating a bowl of cereal without spilling massive quantities onto the chair or floor, he probably won’t do such a great job.  In that case, maybe offer to help him.
 
As a side note, try and turn these situations into learning experiences. It’s not just “Clean up the mess”, rather, you should be saying “Let’s try and make sure that we’re more careful when going to the bathroom next time.”
Here is a short list of ideas when it comes to disciplining your children.
 
1)            Stay away from threats. Even if you follow through on them, they’re usually not worth it.
 
2)            Learn from your experiences. If your child has a meltdown every time you serve spinach lasagna, either don’t make it, or prepare him in advance.
 
3)            Change the subject whenever possible. This works well on younger children (and adults with ADHD).  If your son is being disrespectful for whatever reason, ask, “Does anyone remember what the name of Moshe’s father was?”  It’ll give him a chance to retreat without losing face.
 
4)            Use your spouse whenever possible. A quick switch works when you’re losing control, or can be a way out of a threat that you don’t want to keep. “The only way you’re still going to have that playdate, is if Mommy says it’s okay!”.
 
5)            Pretend your good friend is in the room with you.  Many times we actually treat our kids better when we feel that we’re being watched. How would you react differently?
 
6)            No guilty conscience games! This includes crying, saying, “Fine, I’ll clean it myself”, and “Do you want me to be sad?!”  It just causes bigger issues.
 
7)            Be very positive and upbeat about good behavior and reactions. “I’m so impressed that you didn’t complain that we’re having spinach lasagna tonight! You are definitely maturing.  I’ll have to discuss with Daddy what we can do to reward you!”
 
8)            Don’t give in or argue with your child. Once you start “Being nice”, they will take total advantage of you.
 
9)            If you are disrespectful to your spouse, your kids will be disrespectful to you. If your wife asks you to take out the garbage and you make an annoyed face, don’t be shocked when your kids act the same way. Perhaps I should rephrase this. Treat your spouse the way you want your kids to treat you.
 
10)          Even when you’re being a tough parent, remember to tell your child how much you love them. Now’s when they really need to hear it.
 
11)          Last and certainly not least, maybe call your parents once in a while if your kids are driving you crazy.  Chances are you won’t listen to their advice, but at the very least they’ll remind you how you acted as a kid – and you still turned out okay.
 
Have a great Shabbos – and happy Parenting!
 
Rabbi Ross

21 Comments
Donny Rubin
4/7/2016 02:53:31 pm

Number 11 - Classic!

Reply
Aliza
4/7/2016 02:55:55 pm

I'm so glad you did this continuation. I would love to hear you speak about parenting.

Reply
Shevy R.
4/7/2016 02:56:29 pm

Number 5 is scarily accurate! I should really follow it!

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Elliot
4/7/2016 02:59:13 pm

Rabbi Ross - You should print these all and make a book out of them. Wonderful article once again.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 05:30:11 pm

Thanks! However, that's not something I'll be focusing on for now.

Reply
Daniel
4/7/2016 03:04:58 pm

I'm sorry, if my son told me know, he would need to get a Patch. I can't imagine having a discussion with him. On the flip side, your ideas are definitely interesting. I can't wait to try the imaginary punishment. Sounds fun.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 05:31:02 pm

Another advantage to the imaginary punishment, is it calms the parent down also.

Reply
Alexander
4/7/2016 03:11:24 pm

Fantastic! Soup to Nuts! This is wonderful!

Reply
Ariella Sanders
4/7/2016 03:33:11 pm

This is such a wonderful e-mail. I missed the past few, but after reading this, I'm going to spend some time going back. Thank you for taking the time to help - your advice is priceless.

Reply
Eli Sacks
4/7/2016 03:59:20 pm

Well written again. I really enjoyed this e-mail again. Thank you.

Reply
Erica
4/7/2016 04:18:17 pm

This is another wonderful article. I am curious why parents would want to use the first idea of imaginary punishment. Why not just punish?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 05:33:26 pm

Thanks for reading. As I wrote in the article, punishments very often backfire. We say things we don;t mean, and end up having to choose between retracting our punishments or being harsher that we would like. Imaginary punishments keep things simple.

Reply
Avigayil B.
4/7/2016 04:59:56 pm

This article is very meaningful. I know many people that could benefit from it. My favorite of all the numbers, is number nine. Shalom Bayit is the first step in parenting!

Reply
Private
4/7/2016 05:24:18 pm

As a single mother, I don't have the ability to get any help from my spouse. To make matters even more difficult, my kids think that my ex is way more fun. Sometimes I feel like throwing in the towel.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 06:31:11 pm

You are most certainly correct. Being a single mother makes everything so much more difficult - especially if your ex is trying to be the "Good parent." There is an idea that has been tried (and proven), but it's not for a blog. Please e-mail me Rebbe@Yidparenting.com.

Reply
Please No Name
4/7/2016 06:28:36 pm

This email is precious. I worry every day that I'm going to make a huge mistake with my kids - but I feel that if I'm not "Mean" they don't listen. I will certainly try these ideas.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 07:54:56 pm

You can join the club. Every parent worries about this. I don't think being mean is the answer, as it just hurts your relationship. Hopefully, you can follow the tricks in the email to get your children to listen without needing to raise your voice.

Reply
Yoel
4/7/2016 10:20:14 pm

Why are my comments never appearing on the blog? This article was very important and I enjoyed it very much. Have a good Shabbos!

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/7/2016 10:23:16 pm

Yoel, many of your comments were insulting towards others. This blog can only work if people are talking properly. I would love to approve them, so no name calling or speaking down about others.

Reply
Dvorah S.
4/8/2016 07:19:38 am

Great e-mail, especially if you have kids that are disrespectful. These are all great ideas.

Reply
No Name
4/8/2016 02:39:44 pm

This is a fantastic article. I wish I would have had this when my kids were younger, now my older kids are already in high school. I'm guessing that these rules don't apply to them.

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    Author

    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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