Discipline Continuation...

Due to the many requests via e-mail, (and a few on this blog), I am continuing last week’s article. Specifically, I will be focusing on tips and tricks to help parents discipline their children in constructive ways.
 
Hi. I read your article last week, and enjoyed it greatly. My wife and I were wondering if you could elaborate a bit more. We are having serious discipline issues with our 5 and 9-year-old boys, and don’t like to hit them. We end up threatening a lot which ends up backfiring, since they don’t even care anymore. A perfect example would be an incident that happened last night. My nine-year-old left the toilet seat down when he used the restroom. When my wife told him to clean up his mess, he said “I’m not in the mood!” She was so upset, she sent him to bed almost an hour early. What else can we do if we’re not hitting or threatening? I feel like we have no more options.              Sruli – Passaic
 
Thank you for reading. I hope you understand that these articles are designed to assist parents in a general fashion, addressing typical parenting challenges.  If you are at wit’s end, you would need to speak to a Rav, or guidance counselor, who would be able to assist you on a more personal level.
 
In the e-mail last week, we discussed proper consequences for misbehavior. Your question raises a wonderful point. What possible consequence can there be for “missing the toilet?”  You certainly can’t take away bathroom privileges from your son!
 
Before we get into this discussion, I want to take a small step back. If your son tells you “I’m not in the mood,” he’s basically saying, “No” to you. What can you do when your child says “No” to you (and we’re not talking about a three-year-old).  In some houses this would be grounds for a Patch on the rear, but many parents don’t want to do this (or are afraid they won’t maintain control).
 
These days, it has unfortunately become more common for children to be disrespectful, as Chazal teach us, Niskatnu Hadoros – we are victims of the times in which we live.  I think that parents need to be pro-active regarding disrespect. You need to have a game plan just in case one of your children throws down the proverbial gauntlet. There are three ideas that I would suggest trying when your kids challenge you.
 
1)            Instead of making meaningless threats, give an immediate imaginary punishment that requires no action. Here’s an example. “I was thinking of picking you up early from school this week, but since you aren’t able to listen properly I guess it’s a bad idea. Maybe I could rethink this if you listen very quickly to Mommy and Daddy for the next few days.”  This is somewhat of a consequence, gives him/her a way out, and doesn’t require action on your part (unless he really improves – then you’ve got to take him out early from school).
 
2)            Another fun trick, is to make an imaginary phone call. When your daughter says “I’m not doing it!”, you don’t need to get upset. Simply pull out your cell phone (I know you have it with you) and make a “call”. It should sound like this. “Hi! Aliza said she’s not doing it. OK. I won’t tell her. Great. Thanks so much!”  Then put the phone away and walk out.  In most cases, your daughter will say, “Who was that?”  Just smile, ignore her question, and say, “Children that don’t listen properly must have a serious consequence. If you want to change my mind, prove to me that you can listen quickly.” My Rebbe used to call this "Fear of the unknown."
 
3)            Choose your battles. If you feel that your child is in a seriously defiant mood, don’t ask any questions that could lead to a confrontation. If your child says “No”, and you are able to ignore him, go for it.  Keep in mind that if your child is defiant frequently, you should seek the guidance of a Rav or a professional to figure out if there is an underlying issue.
 
Now that we’ve discussed the issue of dealing with “No”, let’s go back to the original problem. Your son has just marked the territory around the toilet.  What’s a good consequence?
 
I would call him to the bathroom, and put some paper towels in his hand. Explain that he needs to clean up the mess he made, and close the door. You do need to know your child well. If he’s the type to clean up the mess and come out, great. If he’s incapable of eating a bowl of cereal without spilling massive quantities onto the chair or floor, he probably won’t do such a great job.  In that case, maybe offer to help him.
 
As a side note, try and turn these situations into learning experiences. It’s not just “Clean up the mess”, rather, you should be saying “Let’s try and make sure that we’re more careful when going to the bathroom next time.”
Here is a short list of ideas when it comes to disciplining your children.
 
1)            Stay away from threats. Even if you follow through on them, they’re usually not worth it.
 
2)            Learn from your experiences. If your child has a meltdown every time you serve spinach lasagna, either don’t make it, or prepare him in advance.
 
3)            Change the subject whenever possible. This works well on younger children (and adults with ADHD).  If your son is being disrespectful for whatever reason, ask, “Does anyone remember what the name of Moshe’s father was?”  It’ll give him a chance to retreat without losing face.
 
4)            Use your spouse whenever possible. A quick switch works when you’re losing control, or can be a way out of a threat that you don’t want to keep. “The only way you’re still going to have that playdate, is if Mommy says it’s okay!”.
 
5)            Pretend your good friend is in the room with you.  Many times we actually treat our kids better when we feel that we’re being watched. How would you react differently?
 
6)            No guilty conscience games! This includes crying, saying, “Fine, I’ll clean it myself”, and “Do you want me to be sad?!”  It just causes bigger issues.
 
7)            Be very positive and upbeat about good behavior and reactions. “I’m so impressed that you didn’t complain that we’re having spinach lasagna tonight! You are definitely maturing.  I’ll have to discuss with Daddy what we can do to reward you!”
 
8)            Don’t give in or argue with your child. Once you start “Being nice”, they will take total advantage of you.
 
9)            If you are disrespectful to your spouse, your kids will be disrespectful to you. If your wife asks you to take out the garbage and you make an annoyed face, don’t be shocked when your kids act the same way. Perhaps I should rephrase this. Treat your spouse the way you want your kids to treat you.
 
10)          Even when you’re being a tough parent, remember to tell your child how much you love them. Now’s when they really need to hear it.
 
11)          Last and certainly not least, maybe call your parents once in a while if your kids are driving you crazy.  Chances are you won’t listen to their advice, but at the very least they’ll remind you how you acted as a kid – and you still turned out okay.
 
Have a great Shabbos – and happy Parenting!
 
Rabbi Ross