Harsh Words

Rabbi Ross.  Along with all your many readers, I want to thank you for you Avodas Hakodesh. Your advice is inspiring, and although there are some articles which I don’t agree with, by and large my wife and I have gained tremendously for your hard work. You wrote a long time ago that siblings fight. We’re ok with the kids fighting once in a while. What bothers us, is when they talk to each other. They say these horrible insults, comments which I’m too embarrassed to even put on paper.  I would prefer they fought physically and get over it. These stinging insults are just so mean and we’re both really frustrated. Any advice would be much appreciated. Dovid - Flatbush

Firstly, thank you for your kind words.  And I’d be concerned with anybody who agreed 100% with what I say. I like to categorize sibling rivalry into three types. The first is childish banter. “I’m way better at baseball than you are.” The second is physical fighting. The third, is the malicious comments that you’re talking about. Many parents have told me that these harsh comments usually begin once they enter their teenage years.

For those of you that aren’t aware of what comments we’re talking about, I’ll list a few that have been sent to me. “I wish you were never born.” “I truly hate having you as a brother” “You are the dumbest person I have ever met”.  And these are the “nicer” ones.  As parents, it’s so hurtful, not just because of what’s being said, but even more so, the malicious tone being used. One mother described it as hatred oozing from her child’s soul.

It’s not. It feels like your children have this deep-rooted hatred of one another, but they really don’t. It’s usually frustration about other things, and siblings are just an easy target.  I haven’t ever done a formal study, but most siblings that don’t get along as kids seem to be fine later in life.  Some siblings joke about their younger days, others pretend it never happened.
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I’m not saying that you should ignore this behavior. On the contrary, this needs to be dealt with. However, it’s important to understand what the issue really is. The fact that he’s venting by saying mean things to his siblings, tells us that he needs a better outlet for his frustration. He’s obviously angry or frustrated and is saying harmful things. The goal here should be:

1. To teach him how to calm himself down.
2. To ensure that he understands that saying inappropriate things to anyone is wrong and cannot be allowed.
3. The issue is not that he’s being mean to his siblings.

I have seen so many parents make this mistake. They begin to give consequences because a child is being mean to his sibling. Alternatively, they focus heavily on making the kids become friendly. I don’t think that either of these approaches can really work, because they’re not addressing the problem. This doesn’t mean that your child has deep-rooted anger issues. It just means that he needs to learn better ways to deal with frustration. Here are some ideas.

1. In many situations it’s a good thing to wait until everyone has calmed down. However, if your son says something like, “I wish you were dead!”, you need to deal with it right away.
2. I would call him into a separate room immediately. This conversation should not be done in public or even in front of the sibling.
3. You should show some emotion. Explain that you are very disappointed because of what he said.  I like to say, “A Ben Torah like you should not be saying these words.”
4. Do not discuss his sibling. Comments like, “Your brother is a good boy and he looks up to you”, have no place in this conversation. Remember, as vicious as it seemed, it wasn’t necessarily about his brother. Even if it was, we’re not discussing this now.
5. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this type of behavior. Don’t mention or give any consequences. Simply say, “We will not tolerate talk like that!”
6. It’s usually helpful to validate his emotions. “I understand that you’re feeling very upset or frustrated. Instead of saying hurtful comments you should go to a quiet place and calm yourself down.”
7. Once you’ve made this point, end the conversation. He’ll probably grumble and sulk, and that’s fine. You did also when you were his age.
8. Later on, you need to continue the discussion. The atmosphere should be more relaxed, and you should be very calm. Explain that you were disappointed that he spoke like that. Give him alternatives when he gets frustrated - a quiet spot, music to listen to, etc.
9. I would also speak to the sibling that was the brunt of the comments. Make sure that he knows that the comments were inappropriate, and you will not tolerate it. Make it a learning experience for him as well. Don’t harp on the sibling issue, rather explain that when people are frustrated they need to be careful how they speak.

Have a good Shabbos and Yom Tov.
 
YR
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