My Son the Bully...

Dear Rabbi Ross. I’m sure you’ve received many emails about children that are being bullied. I have the opposite problem. My 6th grader is the class bully. He picks on boys, intimidates the other boys into hanging out with him, and creates an atmosphere of fear in the classroom. I defended him for years, until a mother called me up crying, and I finally recognized that my perfect son was not perfect after all. However, he’s still a Yid, and my son, and I love him so much. I tried speaking to him, but he tells me it’s not true and these kids are making it up. I know he’s lying to me. Please help.  Bruchie – Flatbush
 
Bruchie, you are correct.  I received many emails about kids being bullied, but this one is a first for me. You seem to have hit the nail on the head in the way you described bullying. Many people still think it’s a physical issue.  However, bullying is very often psychological, and can have seriously negative effects on children.

There are many different types of bullies in Jewish schools.  Although physical contact is usually no longer tolerated in our society, bullies still exist, and will continue to, until we address the problem.  Over the years, I’ve bullying down into 3 main categories.

1. Baby Bullies – These are the kids that are hyper and wild. They bully because they lack impulse control. As a result, they don’t think about the consequences, and can be very irritating to others. They usually target the kids that are easily annoyed or sensitive.
2. Revenge Bullies – These are the kids that are being bullied themselves and are taking it out on others. They could be bullied by parents, coaches or even other kids. They bully to develop their self-esteem.  Main targets would be quiet and withdrawn kids.
3. Social Bullies – These are the kids that are excited with the power they wield. They create rifts in the classroom and thrive on discord. If anyone crosses them, they will make their lives miserable with insults and taunting. They usually target anyone who challenges them, and can target leaders in the classroom or even teachers.

Based on the information you provided, it seems that your son is a social bully. Although there are rare cases in which a child could be unaware that he's bullying others, you are probably correct in assuming he's being dishonest with you.  It would seem that this is an issue that requires outside assistance in two ways.

First of all, you need to contact the school. Speak to his Rebbeim and teachers, both current and from previous years. Explain that you need to make sure your son is not picking on other kids, and you need their help.  Find out who his targets are, and which kids he likes to hang out with the most. This will give you a better idea of what you’re dealing with.

I would not ask the school to deal with the situation. Unfortunately, Yeshivos have a very bad track record when it comes to dealing with bullying. I’ve heard cases of schools calling both the bully and the target in together for a meeting (horrible idea), or rewarding the bully if he stops (yes, I’m serious). Even the school psychologist might not be prepared for confronting bullying unless he/she is properly trained.

Second of all, you need to speak to a psychologist. In most cases, bullying is a learned behavior and can therefore be unlearned. You wouldn’t send a sick child to a poorly rated doctor, so be just as vigilant when finding a psychologist or social worker.

Your goal should be to instill in your child a sense of right and wrong so he can better understand that he’s hurting others. Personalities don’t change overnight, and you can’t expect immediate improvements either. You can make it clear that there will be serious consequences if he intimidates others in any way.

A great way to develop Middos that can really help your son, is to is to impress upon him the concern for others.  You can make comments like, “That security guard must be hot, maybe we should offer him a cold drink.”  Or, “The secretary in your school works really hard, let’s get her a coffee.”  You might also try, “Maybe bring an extra snack today in case someone forgot theirs.”  In this way, he can begin to understand the feelings of others.
 
I made a small list of do’s and don’ts regarding bullying. Please feel free to add your thoughts by commenting on our blog (link below).

                                                                 If your child is being bullied.

• Keep an eye for bullying symptoms which can include: not wanting to go to school or on the bus, having accidents, random fears, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and others.
• If your child is being bullied, don’t set up a playdate with the bully. It’s a nice thought but it rarely works.
• On the other hand, setting up playdates with other kids in the class who are kind and fun is a great idea for a child who is being bullied. It demonstrates to them that hanging out with other classmates can still be exciting and not a demoralizing experience.
• If your son is being bullied, teach him how to deal with these situations.  Ignoring taunts and walking away, or looking the bully in the eye and walking away with a smile are both good methods. It can help to roleplay with your son, so he is better prepared.
• Make sure to develop your son’s self-esteem through complimenting him on specific behaviors or experiences.   He’s feeling vulnerable, so be gentle and reassuring in every situation. Don’t discount or make light of his fears.
• Make sure that he knows he can confide in you when the bully gives him a hard time, or if any particular hurtful incidents happened that day.  This is not called tattling or loshon hara.   Explain that you will have his back no matter what.
• Encourage your Yeshiva to hold a bullying seminar for the teachers and possibly the older students as well. This will help develop an understanding of how to properly deal with these situations.

                                                                         If your child is the Bully

• Take the problem seriously. Resist a tendency to deny the problem or to make a joke out of it. “Boys will be boys,” is not correct.
• If you feel that your son is bullying a specific boy, call his mother up. Confirm with her that there is an issue, and assure her that you will not tolerate it. Sometimes parents feel lost and don’t want to generate machlokes (argument).  It means a lot for them to know you’re cognizant of the issue and are helping out.
• Don’t believe everything your child tells you. Bullies can be excellent manipulators and can even convince you that they are the victims.  Don’t fall for it.
• Hold your child accountable. Don’t blame yourself. He is responsible for his own actions.
• Make it clear to your child that you take bullying seriously, and that you will not tolerate such behavior in the future. Make it clear that you expect all bullying activities to stop immediately.
• Develop a simple system of bullying consequences. Appropriate consequences for bullying might include the loss of privileges (e.g., television or computer game time) or less playdates - which you can explain is a direct consequence of not knowing how to treat all boys properly.
• Don’t use physical punishment; that just validates using power to control.
• Find out who your son’s friends are, and make sure they are a good match.  You’re looking for caring boys that will stand up to him.  Stay away from followers, as they just enable him.
• Get your son professional help, and family counseling (with an experienced and knowledgeable Rav or a psychologist), if necessary.

Most importantly, keep the lines of communication open in all areas. We can resolve most of these issues by being in touch with the other parents in an appropriate manner. There is absolutely no need to make this into a community event or a loshon hora fest.
 
Good Shabbos.