Kids Turn - Davening

Baruch Hashem, it’s been almost 3 years since I began this blog, and we now have tens of thousands of subscribers. In an average week I receive over 25 emails, some with simple questions and some with very difficult ones. There are many amazing professionals that I’ve contacted for advice during this time, ranging from psychologists to Rabbonim to dieticians, and I am ever so grateful for their help.

Over the past few months, I’ve been getting many emails from kids. That’s right, your children.  E-mails from nine-year olds all the way to eighteen-year olds. At first, I was hesitant to respond and possibly incur the wrath of the parents. However, after consulting with some experts, I’ve decided to respond for the next few weeks to just these e-mails.

I will not use real names, and if necessary I will modify other information. I just want everyone to appreciate the questions that children are asking. The answer to almost every question will end up including, “try to communicate with your parents and let them know how you feel.”  Nevertheless, I think it’s important that we try and understand something. Many people agree that raising kids is more difficult these day, but the fact is, it’s also harder to be a kid. There is so much information being thrown at them, and some children don’t get to actually enjoy being, well, a child.

Kids, if you have any questions, please go to www.yidparenting.com and submit them. I’ll do my best to respond.

Dear Rabbi Ross. My parents read your column online every week and print the question and answer for a Shabbos table discussion. Therefore, I would like to ask for your help in printing my question with an answer that will work in my favor. My father insists that I go with him to Shacharis every Shabbos at 8:30, and I want to Daven at 9:30 in the Teen Minyan. I’m 13 years old, and I think I’ve earned the right to Daven wherever I please.  My father says I’ll Daven better next to him which I don’t because I’m always annoyed, and he says that 9:30 is too late. How can I convince my father he’s wrong?  Thirteen in Woodmere.

Thank you for writing in. I’m so happy that these emails are part of your Shabbos table. I want to begin by assuring you that I will not take sides. My objective is to help you think this through, not to tell you who’s wrong or right. In every instance, you need to weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. It also helps to keep thing in perspective. For example, it might be worth it to make an issue about a trip to Great Adventures, but probably not about taking out the garbage.

I think it’s nice that your father wants to have you next to him on Shabbos. Personally, it gives me such Nachas to have my boys Davening next to me, and I can appreciate what your father is thinking. On the other hand, you are a “Bar Mitzvah”, and presumably deserve to daven at a different Minyan of your choice. Let’s start going through each part of your question so you can make an educated decision. When we’re done, we’ll put it all together and come up with some ideas.

1. The phrase “earned the right” is a very tricky one. You don’t earn any rights by getting older, rather you need to prove that you’re maturing. Therefore, when you say that you’ve earned the right, I hope you mean because you’re mature. In other words, you don’t need to be reminded every day to go to Shul, and you’re not standing outside during Davening or using your phone as a Siddur.
2. Will you Daven better next to your father? The truth is, you probably will be a bit more focused (sulking notwithstanding). As a side point, sulking during Davening isn’t punishing your father.
3.  The later Minyan gets you an hour of extra sleep. For some reason, kids like to stay up late and wake up late. It’s one of those mysteries in life. I don’t think that you’re missing Z’man Tefila in most instances, although you probably do need to say Krias Shema before Davening. Then again, so does your father, certain weeks.
4. Your father is certainly not wrong. Not every disagreement has a wrong or right, the world is not black and white. Besides, in most cases a child should not tell a parent that they’re wrong.  

I noticed that in your e-mail, you didn’t explain your logic for wanting to Daven later. I assumed it’s for the extra sleep. If you want to Daven later to be with friends, it’s not a very good reason, since you don’t need your friends to Daven. If your objective it to get some more “freedom”, there are other ways to accomplish that.

It seems that you need to think everything through and make some decisions. How much do you really care about Davening at 9:30? It is worth making an issue out of this? Is it the Davening that’s bothering you, or is it the fact that your father’s not giving you the ability to do your own thing? It’s hard to have a serious conversation with your parents if you aren’t clear about the objectives yourself.

Obviously, the next step is talking to your parents. I think it’s crucial to include your mother in this discussion, since a woman’s perspective is very important. You can ask your parents to have a private discussion with them. If they ask you what it’s about, you can simply say, “Something that’s on my mind.” The reason I don’t think you should say what it’s about yet, is because your father might say, “There’s nothing to discuss”, which can make this more frustrating for you.
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When talking to your parents, you must always remain calm. Getting upset easily or raising your voice won’t make this any easier. I can’t tell you exactly what to say, since each situation is unique. However, I would incorporate some of the following ideas in the conversation.

• Explain that you have nothing against davening with your father, it’s just that you want to go out on your own a little.
• You can assure your parents that you will not be hanging outside the Shul, or schmoozing with your friends, and you’ll be taking the davening seriously.
• Possibly you can alternate weeks. Alternatively, you can Daven Kabolas Shabbos and Mincha with your father.
• I wouldn’t bring up the extra hour of sleep. Parents don’t understand this very well. I certainly don’t. They’ll just tell you to go to bed earlier. (They’re probably right about that).
• Don’t bring up the Zmanim. If your father does, you can say in a very respectful way that there are many Shuls in the area that Daven at 9:30 on Shabbos. They would not be doing this if it’s not Halachically permitted.
• Be prepared for them to say “No.” It’s not the end of the world. If your father is insistent, don’t fly off the handle.
• If your mother is silent during this conversation, but seems to be sympathetic, speak to her privately afterwards. Don’t say anything negative about your father. For example, “Boy, is Daddy stubborn”, is not a great way to get on her good side. (I hope). You can ask her if she can speak to your father. Mothers are pretty good at this.
• If your father says “No”, I would respond, “Thank you for at least hearing me out. I would love to revisit this in a few weeks, so I can prove myself.”
• Most importantly, smile. Talk gently. Mentally prepare yourself for this discussion. Ultimately, your parents love you and want what’s best for you. I’m sure you disagree with some of their decisions, and that’s perfectly normal. You’ll have your chance in a few years I”YH.

Have a great Shabbos!
YR