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My Angry Son...

4/14/2016

15 Comments

 
Dear Rabbi Ross,
 
My 11-year-old son is a normal fun-loving child, until he gets into a bad mood. He’s not especially physical, but he gets everyone in a bad mood. He snaps at his siblings, challenges my authority, and really ruins the whole atmosphere. It’s come to the point that I walk on eggshells around him to try and keep him happy. Any ideas? PS – We love the e-mails!  Tamara– Brooklyn
 
Your son is one of many that have this problem.  This is truly one of the hardest parts of being a parent; trying to prevent the moody kid from affecting the easy-going ones and overall atmosphere in the home. I don’t need to tell you how frustrating it can be, both to the parents and the siblings.
 
Most importantly I will tell you “This too shall pass.” I’m sure you feel like you’re losing it, but he will mature and you’ll be able to breathe a sigh of relief. It won’t happen overnight, but the incidents will become less frequent as time passes. There are many tricks you can try, but the fact remains that it’s really a waiting game. You’ll have to wait for him to mature, after which he’ll be able to understand himself and his moods better.
 
I can easily spend a page or two commiserating with you, (as can many other parents.) Although there is no easy fix,  there are a few things that can make dealing with him a little more bearable.
 
  1. Obviously, the best solution is understanding what sets him off.  It might be that he’s hungry, overtired, the bus ride home, or even supper. Keep a private diary to see if you can narrow down the possible suspects. You’d be surprised how well this works.
  2. When he’s in a good mood, take him on a one-on-one trip somewhere distracting, e.g. bowling, batting cages. While you’re playing, casually discuss with him how frustrating it is when he gets in a bad mood.  Try and see if he’s open to any ideas. This is not the time to vent on him, you’re merely asking for his help.
  3. Is school a trigger? If so, try and see what you can do to alleviate some of the stress. It’s amazing how easygoing many teachers can be. Let them know that you need help getting him home in a good mood.
  4. Set up an agreed upon “calming location”, where he can go to chill out when he’s getting upset.
  5. Do NOT reward him for calming down, since there should not be a positive consequence for the initial negative behavior. 
  6. You can, however, compliment him if he calms himself down. You can also reward or compliment him for staying in a good mood when something frustrating happens.
  7. If he becomes uncontrollable, don’t raise your voice as it’ll make things worse. Calmly keep repeating, “I can’t discuss anything with you when you’re upset.”
  8. If there are other children around, you want to show them that you’re still calm. You can tell them that “Your brother is upset, but that’s not the way a “Ben Torah” should behave. It would be much better if he spoke calmly so we could listen to him.”
  9. Remember, that at this age your son is going through hormonal changes. He himself might not be fully aware of what to do, and can really use your help.
  10.  I know I’ve written this many times, but let him know that you love him and always will. Once a child calms down and begins regretting what he’s done, he needs some reassurance. You can say, “Although I am really disappointed that you lost control, I love you so very much. We’ll figure this out together.”
 
On a side note, I would like to point out one thing that I’ve heard from many parents. Although electronics (iPad, tablet, etc.) might seem great for calming your son down and distracting him, it can actually have the reverse effect. Something to think about. 
15 Comments
Avraham S.
4/14/2016 08:08:48 pm

What a wonderful e-mail. Just signed up. You described my son to a "T".

Reply
Daniel
4/14/2016 08:15:31 pm

My son has a temper that can't be believed. It gets me so upset, my wife asks me not to get involved. I'll try some of these hints.

Reply
Dr. Eli Adler
4/14/2016 09:11:30 pm

Well written concise article on a prevalent topic. Great pointers! Keep up the good work Rabbi Ross.

Reply
Aviva
4/14/2016 09:45:56 pm

These are some great ideas. Another great idea is to send him to friends houses so it's not your problem. JK.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/14/2016 10:35:36 pm

You wrote JK, but that's a great point. If you feel that your son is going to come home in a rotten mood, maybe a playdate isn't such a bad idea. In most cases, he won't act the same at someone else's house.

Reply
Elie R.
4/14/2016 09:51:39 pm

Rabbi Ross. This was another great article. I noticed that you didn't bring up medication. Any thoughts?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/14/2016 10:33:56 pm

Elie, I will have an article about medications sometime in the near future IY"H. However, most times children are medicated, it's not because they have a temper.

Reply
Shaya L.
4/14/2016 10:00:33 pm

Another e-mail that I'm printing out and showing to my wife. My son gets his temper from me, and it's certainly true that he'll grow out of it, I'm sure I will also.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/14/2016 10:34:12 pm

I enjoyed this comment.

Reply
Ariel Berkowitz
4/14/2016 10:32:29 pm

I remember my younger brother having these crazy melt downs, and my mother would tell us, "He's showing you what not to do."

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Private.
4/14/2016 10:40:23 pm

Tonight my son came home in a horrible mood because his brothers annoyed him on the bus, He ruined supper and made everyone miserable. I sat and cried. My husband is never home for supper, so he was no help. I often wonder why Hashem is punishing me with my son, I was such an easy daughter.

Reply
Rabbi Ross
4/14/2016 10:45:27 pm

I have a few thoguhts about your comment.

1) Maybe the bus ride home isn't such a good idea.
2) Don't let him join you for supper is he's in a mood like this. He can eat privately.
3) Crying in front of your kids can really backfire. It causes guilt which rarely is a good thing.
4) I don't believe that Hashem punishes us with children - they're a special treat. Maybe try bonding privately with your son and develop a strong Kesher. Let him stay up late to Shmooz with you sometimes, and let him know he's awesome. Remember, if you feel he's a burden, he can probably sense that. Hatzlacha! Please feel free to contact me via e-mail.

Reply
Zev Lesser
4/14/2016 10:56:51 pm

What a powerful article. Thank you!

Reply
David
4/14/2016 11:17:54 pm

I can't imagine how hard this must be for a parent. Is this a common issue?

Reply
Yossi Langer
4/15/2016 05:32:49 am

As a parent who deals with this constantly, I can assure you that you're correct in saying yelling doesn't work. It's very often trial and error.

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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