My kids don't stop fighting!

Parshas Pekudai - 5776
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Help! My kids (ages 4,7,9 & 12) don’t stop fighting! I really think that my kids fight more than any other siblings in the world ever did, and I feel like I’m losing control. We’re talking fights about who sits where, who played more iPad, and even who’s annoying whom. I’m all ears for some suggestions.  Estie - Cedarhurst
 
I highly doubt the fighting is the worst I’ve ever heard of between siblings. Many years ago, when Hashem created the world, there were two siblings named Kayin and Hevel. How did that work out?  How about Yitzchok & Yishmael?  Yaakov & Eisav?  Yosef and his brothers?  I could keep going, but you get the point.  Throughout history we find that siblings sometimes don’t get along.

It seems that you are dealing with the same issues that just about all parents confront.  Your kids fight non-stop, and you are getting frustrated. The good news is; in most cases they will grow out of it.  I fought with my siblings more than once in a while, and now we get along great.

All this notwithstanding, it can be so exasperating watching kids argue or fight.  In most cases, there is an instigator and a “victim”. Often that child (the victim) feels the need to defend himself, and will resort to using his hands. So it begins.

Telling your child to ignore a sibling that’s annoying or irritating them is very difficult. These days, kids are more sensitive. It could be due to the decreasing amount of social interactions, but children seem to have a more difficult time ignoring others.

In any case, I’ll give you a few ideas on how to be proactive and prevent the fighting/arguing, and some other hints on what to do when the fighting does occur.

                                                                             Preventative Measures

• Make sure that all of your kids have alone time with you and/or your spouse.
• Don’t compare your kids to each other. “Your brother did waaay better in math” is asking for a problem. (No pun intended)
• Do your kids seem especially edgy? They’re human as well. Keep them away from each other.  Alternatively, encourage them to do a relaxing activity which will give them quiet time, such as reading. 
• If it’s going to be a long day, invite a playdate for the child that gets on his sibling’s nerves
• If you’re going on a long car ride –not the right time for the “No iPad” rule (or whatever it is that your kids use for down-time). I know when you were a kid you played license plate games, but times have changed.
• Challenge them (the ones that fight together) to a contest wherein they’re on the same team. It can build camaraderie.
• Work with the “hitter” on self-control tips, including recognizing when he’s angry, focusing his anger, and even removing himself from a situation.  Some ideas include counting to 10, taking deep breaths, going outside, etc. (Anger is a topic for a different e-mail.)
• Work with the instigator on ways to keep himself occupied when bored.
• Remember that your kids are not supposed to be in charge of their siblings (at least not on a constant basis).

                                                                                 During the fighting.

• When it’s still a “little” argument, change the subject, or ask one of them to help you with something.
• Tell your kids “It’s not about who starts, it’s about who’s big enough to end the argument.”

• Remain calm.  Yelling makes everything worse.
• Use the opportunity to work on problem solving skills. If necessary, try and remove one of them from the situation in a non-confrontational way. (Does anyone want ices?)
• If the fighting has already begun, don’t take sides or blame anyone.  Don’t ask, or even let them tell you why they’re fighting.
• If anyone is hurt, deal with it with love – but don’t blame the other participant, although you can explain that it’s never OK for someone to hit you.
• I’ve found that sending both children away from the situation is better than just removing one. We can see this from the fact that Avraham separated from Lot instead of just asking Lot to leave (which would’ve solved the problem).
• With younger kids, you can calmly put them on their own beds and tell them “I would love for you to be able to play together, but it seems you’re not ready yet.” Wait a few minutes, and then tell them “Let’s try that again.”
• You can speak with each participant privately, but not about the actual incident. It’s just one of many. Focus on what went wrong, and what he could’ve done to prevent it. I’m sure he’ll say “I can’t do anything with my rotten brother…”.  My favorite reply is, “As you mature, you’ll be able to deal with these issues in a much better way, and we’ll be treating you more maturely as well.”
• Make sure that there are no lingering issues after a fight, we don’t want it to blow out of proportion. Speaking to them separately a day later will give you an idea regarding where they stand.
• When they’re both calm, get them together and tell them that, although it’s normal for siblings to fight, you can’t wait for them to work things out like the B’nai Torah they are.

Obviously, you should focus on the positive whenever possible. When the two of them are playing nicely, make a big deal out of it. Let them know that you appreciate how mature they’re acting. You can even say with a smile “Aren’t siblings great?”

IY”H, your kinderlach will get older and mature, and will truly enjoy spending time with their siblings.

​YR