Dear Readers,
Once again, I spent a good portion of my week reading some interesting emails (and comments) sent to me by a wide range of readers. I’ve noticed a fascinating pattern when it comes to these emails. Therefore, before beginning the 3rd part of this series, I would like to reply to the most common responses. I’m sure that many of you won’t like what I have to say – you’ve been warned. Next week, I will IY”H continue with Part III. First of all, in many instances, when a parent of an OTD child emails me, they shift the blame onto their spouse. Many of the emails I received contained phrases like, “I tried warning him this would happen” or, “She would get so frustrated about the most insignificant things”. I’m not that knowledgeable in couple’s therapy, but it seems that blaming your spouse means there are more deeply seated problems. You and your spouse are on the same team. Although you can disagree about things, when it comes to raising your children you need to be on the same page. Second of all, when children, or even adults, that are currently OTD email me, many of them insist that no matter what their parents did or didn’t do, they would have stopped being religious either way. As one person put it, “It’s in my DNA”. In other words, many of these people that are OTD truly believe that it had nothing to do with the way they were raised. My response is always silence. It’s not worth discussing. However, it’s plain and simply not true. It might not be solely because of your upbringing, and yes, certain children are inherently born with stronger desires. Nonetheless, I don’t believe any of you are correct. You might think you’ve identified the reason(s), but, for lack of a better terms, you’re way off base. I know many amazing people that have raised all types of children. We’re talking about children that questioned everything and always hung out with the “wrong” crowd. They still did an amazing parenting job and all their children remained happily frum. This doesn’t mean that any particular method of raising children is foolproof. It just bears noting that many OTD stories of regret could have been avoided. One father who discussed this with me was initially defensive. He felt that I was accusing him and/or his wife of not doing all they could. That’s not at all what I was implying. Raising children today is very difficult, and it’s constantly evolving with the changing times. We, as a klal, need to work together and learn from our collective mistakes. If a family has a child go OTD, we need to use that as a learning experience so we can improve our methodologies. Lastly, many people have commented regarding what I said about a Rebbe or teacher not causing children to go OTD. Therefore, I would like to clarify that statement. I have spoken to many people that are currently OTD, and they insisted that their Rebbe or teacher was the sole cause of them either going OTD, or having serious doubts about Yiddishkeit. I completely understand. I don’t even disagree with them. I do believe that one negative teacher or Rebbe can affect a child.... but I also know that good parenting can, and will, rise up to the challenge. As a general rule, there will unfortunately always be Rebbeim that are rotten (I certainly had my share of them growing up), Rabbonim that betray our trust, and even role models that are dishonest. I wish that parents recognized that their role is not to live vicariously through their children, but rather to be their last line of defense. We need to be there when our children are hurt or confused, and guide them or defend them as necessary. We need to create stable homes in which children know that they are loved and respected, so their self-esteem will withstand the bad apples. Therefore, when I say that a Rebbe or teacher can’t be the sole cause of a child going OTD, it’s because good parents will overcome that obstacle and win the battle. They will rebuild their child, and help them get past it. They will defend their child at any cost, and show their child that no one is as important as he or she is. This will become a bonding moment, and if you play your cards right, it can even become a maturing opportunity. Obviously, this isn’t true all the time, since every case is different. If your child is more sensitive, or if this particular “educator” was just plain horrible, the result might be worse. Nonetheless, I truly believe that, in most cases, good parenting will prevail. If you’re unsure what to do as a parent, I wrote an article a while back about having a Rebbe who doesn’t like your child. Alternatively, you can always speak to your Rav for guidance. Part III OTD Dear Readers, I would like to begin by thinking you. I have received so much feedback over the past few weeks regarding this ongoing article. Most of it has been positive, a lot of constructive criticism, and even a few people who believe that I should focus my talents elsewhere. I apologize that I haven’t been able to respond to many of the emails that have inundated my mailbox. This week, we’re going to focus on ways to prevent children from going OTD. There are four categories comprising these positive, yet preventative, measures. Each one is a partner in a child’s growth. 1) Parents 2) Rav / Community 3) Yeshiva 4) Hashem It’s should be obvious that parents are those that have the greatest influence on their children. What many parents don’t realize, is that they are full-time ambassadors for Yiddishkeit. Beginning at a very young age, parents need to give their children a love for Yiddishkeit in a kind and caring atmosphere. Some smart habits to develop, include: A) Giving sincere compliments when deserved. Find reasons for your children to deserve them. If your daughter says “Amen” to a Bracha, turn to her and say, “You just created a Malach!” B) Choosing your battles. Sometimes you need to let certain things slide. C) Being genuinely happy doing Mitzvos. Keeping Shabbos, Kosher, Davening. If it’s a burden to you, you can bet it’s going to be a burden to your kids. D) Don’t speak badly about other Yidden. If there is one thing we can take away from Tisha B’Av, it’s that Sinas Chinam is corrosive as well as contagious. E) Treating your spouse well. F) Living in an area with like-minded Yidden. In other words, if you’re living in a “Young Israel” type community and you are a very Yeshivish family, it might be difficult for your children. I am, Chas Veshalom, not saying what’s better or worse. However, when your children are older, it might be confusing for them to watch other good Jews doing things that you frown upon. Please remember that some of these ideas might work well for some families, and not for others. The next partner in a child’s growth, is the community and a Rav. I can’t stress enough how important a good Rav is. I’m not talking only about a learned Rav, Baruch Hashem there are plenty of those. I’m talking about a Rav who understands you and your family, and cares about you. Your children should be excited to talk to the Rav, and any difficult questions that your older children might have, they should ask the Rav directly. However, it’s not only the Rav, it’s the community you live in. “Boro Park” or “teaneck” are not examples of community that I’m referring to. We’re talking about a much smaller, and more intimate group - the people that you interact with on a daily basis. People that Daven with you, whose kids go to Yeshiva with yours, etc. They should also be looking out for you, and vice versa. If you see that your neighbor’s son is hanging out with a boy you think is a bad Shidduch, you need to say something to his parents. By the same token, if you think you friends need help with their children, speak up. I would tell them, “I see that you & I have similar issues with our kids.” You can then either let them know in passing what’s worked for you, or, if you run the risk of insulting them, you can let your Rav know how you feel. The 3rd partner, is the Yeshiva. Actually, there are two components to the Yeshiva - the younger grades, and the older grades. The younger grade Rebbeim have an important job. They need to make sure that the younger children have an excitement for Mitzvos. They need to encourage children to help out at home, and lead by example. A 2nd grader I know recently sat down in a pizza store. I didn’t see him make a Bracha before eating, so I asked him, “Did your Rebbe teach you how to wash for bread yet?” He responded, “Yup! I never see him washing though.” I don’t doubt that the Rebbe washes, it’s just that the children don’t see it. They need to see these role models love being Yidden in everything they do. The older grade Rebbeim and teachers have a much more difficult job. They need to simultaneously convey and impart a love for Yiddishkeit and while making sure the children feel important. They need to answer any difficult questions honestly and carefully, and keep an eye out for kids that seem unhappy or confused. There is a married Yeshiva Bachur I know who is a tremendous Talmid Chochom. He told me, “I don’t remember what my 7th or 8th grade Rebbeim taught me, but I remember how my 5th grade Rebbe smiled at me every day”. Rebbeim and teachers need to be cognizant about the importance of showing these precious children how amazing it is to be a Yid. The last partner is, of course, Hashem. We need to constantly Daven that our children should stay on the path of Torah and Mitzvos. We need to Daven that Hashem should give us the strength and ability to be good parents and teachers. Just remember, Davening without putting in your Hishtadlus, is not a good way to see positive results. If we all work together and follow these steps, the number of children going OTD will be a lot smaller. There is no magic formula – it’s hard work and we all need a lot of Siyata D’Shmaya. (This still doesn’t mean that if your child has an amazing and loving childhood, he won’t go OTD.) Next week, we’ll discuss what to do if your child is OTD. Looking forward to your comments and thoughts. Have a great Shabbos. YR Part IIII Dear Readers, Over the past few weeks, we’ve been discussing OTD in our communities. We’ve discussed what it is, some of the causes, and ways to prevent it. During this series, I’ve received well over one thousand emails. Some were from parents sharing details that are absolutely terrifying, and others were from teenagers and young adults sharing their thoughts. In both scenarios, it was painful to read. Families torn apart because, let’s be honest with ourselves, parents fought the wrong battles. Sure, there are other reasons we discussed, but the fact is, so many of these stories I’ve been reading could have been prevented. However, that’s not the goal of this last part. We’re going to discuss the aftereffects. How to deal with OTD after it’s become a reality. (I’m borrowing from an article I wrote a few years ago about this subject.) There are two things we need to keep in mind:
The fact remains that we are all different. Just because your child does not want to imitate your way of life does not make him or her an evil person. If your daughter insists on wearing pants or partying, she is still a creation of Hashem. Arguing won’t work. Explaining how much they’re hurting you is counterproductive. This isn’t about you. It’s about them expressing themselves as individuals. It hurts. There is no doubt that it’s hard for parents to watch a child leave the path they were set on. However, he or she is still your child. Keep the connection open. The goal is not necessarily to make them religious, it’s to show them that you love them no matter what. They might return. They might not. Either way, you have a responsibility to your child. If you have other children that are young or impressionable, it can be even more challenging. Tell your other kids, “Your sibling is going through a hard time and we love him no matter what.” Only positive. You do have the right to ask this child to follow your rules in your house. If your daughter has gone OTD and is wearing pants, you can ask her to please wear an appropriate skirt in your house. You can also ask that they refrain from behaving inappropriately or discussing private matters in front of the other kids. Certainly, they should not bring non-kosher food into the house. Keep in mind that most children who go OTD are not trying to change you or be vindictive. They’re expressing their individuality. One 17-year-old told me his father told him, “My way or the highway!” He chose the highway. Now they lost their son. Obviously, every case is different. When in doubt, you can ask for help. A Rav is a great person to ask, if he has an understanding of people and loves all Jews. I am fortunate to have such a Rav. If your Rav is better suited for a halachic discussion, call a psychologist. Asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength. I want to end by sharing a few short stories people have shared with me. One girl who asked to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, told me the following. “My parents have always been strict. If I a had a problem with a teacher, I was always considered at fault. My parents would tell me every night that the reason they were so tough on me was because they loved me. That might have worked years ago, but actions speak louder than words. I didn’t feel loved. Once I became 15, I began acting out….. wearing shorter skirts that borrowed, or listening to music that I knew would annoy them. Thinking back, I’m not sure how I expected them to react. I kind of hoped they would pull me in and tell me they need me. I got the opposite. They flipped out and told me to sleep elsewhere until I acted like a Bas Torah. That was the last time I slept at home. Last year my mother called me begging me to come back. Not going to happen. I’ve been reading your articles about this, and had my parents showed even an iota of love, I would’ve jumped back into their arms.” The second story is from a parent’s perspective. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I want to share what went wrong in my house. My wife and I both agreed that our son was an at-risk child. Therefore, we tried to shelter him. We didn’t let him watch movies or have anything his friends had. When he complained to us we always told him, “You’ll thank us later”. Well, later passed and he never thanked us. He stopped acting religious, and we lost our relationship with him. Looking back, we knew it was happening, but we were too stubborn to ask anyone else for help. We finally caved in and spoke to a therapist who explained that there was a difference between sheltering and preparing. Instead of taking away everything, we should have been giving it to him under our supervision. The sleepovers should have been by us. Once we understood this, we were able to contact him and show him we changed. He is still not religious now, and we don’t know if he ever will be. However, we talk regularly. The door is open.” The last story is of a Chassidic family that has a son who went OTD. I met the father walking with this 19-year-old son (who was not wearing a yarmulke), and as I passed he called me over, and told me excitedly, “Mike got accepted into college!” His son was beaming. Parenting. He is doing it right. We need to open any channel we can. Let them know that we love and care about them. It feels right to end with a Brachah to you all. I know this puts pressure on you, but may you be zocheh that your children should want to emulate you. Have a great Shabbos! YR PS – I am still unable to approve comments for a while. Rest assured you can continue to email me or comment at any time. It just might not show on the blog for a few days.
27 Comments
Chaim
7/27/2017 06:38:40 pm
Well said. I actually agree with you on all 3 points. My nephew insists that he is not religious for personal reasons. I know that my brother was overly strict about the wrong things. When it comes to having a bad Rebbe, my wife says that she had the world's worst teacher ever. Her parents eventually pulled her out of the Yeshiva. Scary.
Reply
Eliezer Dov
7/27/2017 06:44:47 pm
That's messed up man. she was pulled out cause the Rabbi was mean? What kind of message is that? The rabbi is a bully! She needs to stand her ground!
Reply
A Zaidy
7/27/2017 08:54:41 pm
I love your lingo. "That's messed up man." That's great. When I was younger, the word mess, actually meant a mess. For example, a mess was when something spilled. I do appreciate that you called him man.
Michael
7/27/2017 06:40:41 pm
It's funny how you wrote many of you won't like what I'm going to say. Well, to be fair, I liked the first 2 things, but I didn't like the last part. I guess we'll agree to disagree. Sometimes a bad Rebbe can really mess up a child. I thing you're a bit biased because you're a Rebbe.
Reply
Rabbi Ross
7/27/2017 10:54:25 pm
Michael, I have nothing to be biased about. I'm not defending Rebbeim or teachers that turn kids off. On the contrary, I've told them to their faces that they're killing children.
Reply
Ariella Jacobs
7/27/2017 10:55:11 pm
Wow. Mic Drop! Great response - you should have wrote that in the article.
Chaikie Raskin
7/27/2017 06:43:09 pm
Many of my close friends that are OTD with me, also believe that it has nothing to do with they way they were raised. I agree with you though. They just like to feel better about themselves that THEY chose their own path, and they weren't forced into the situation.
Reply
Devorah L.
7/27/2017 06:50:32 pm
Did you read what he wrote? He was responding to emails. If people don't like what he write, they don't have to read it. It's a free country.
Reply
Rafi
7/27/2017 08:20:16 pm
Yes! A thousand times yes! Parents that are not on the same page, it'll be a problem. Kids will be so confused when you disagree with each other.
Reply
A Happy Mom
7/27/2017 08:50:16 pm
Yes - I'm happy. My only son might be OTD, but I am relived to know that it's my husbands fault. I know, you blame both of us, but he refused to agree with anything I did. We are divorced now, and I blame him 100%.
Reply
Shua L.
7/27/2017 08:51:35 pm
I'm glad you're happy, but, WHAT? I am so confused.
Reply
Private
7/27/2017 10:04:16 pm
This is your best article yet. I love the fact that you are telling people the truth no matter how harsh it is. Parents. You must work together for long term success. Kids, stop pretending you were born this way. You weren't. When you hear an old niggun, your heart skips a beat. It's built in. Rebbeim. If you don't love your Talmidim, GET OUT OF CHINUCH!
Reply
Ariel Taub
7/27/2017 10:56:51 pm
I have a question for you. Your comment is a good one, very passionate. Why aren't you using your name? I never understood the desire for anonymity. Are you in the witness protection program?
Reply
Retired Parent
7/27/2017 10:34:45 pm
Rabbi Ross re your comment dismissing genetic aspect of religious observance, do a google search on"identical twins raised apart and religion" and read some of the studies. There appears to be a strong genetic aspect to religious observance. However, it is not a fact that is emphasized ,because we deal with a given child's DNA which won't change but we can change how we both parents and Rebeim treat children and hopefully decrease OTD.
Reply
Shoshana Kahn
7/27/2017 10:47:04 pm
You are correct to a point. My sister has identical twins, and she feels that even thought they were indifferent classes with different Rebbeim, they gravitate to the same level of Yiddishkeit. Even so, Rabbi Ross has a valid point. Many of these kids were turned off at such a young age, that they don't even attribute their issues to anyone but themselves. Very few kids actually go OTD for no reason.
Reply
Retired Parent
7/28/2017 03:14:52 am
I agree with your comments. Your sisters observation about her twins is consistent with studies of identical twins adopted by different parents. It turns out religion will tend to be strong or weak in both no matter which religion each was brought up in.
Jason
7/28/2017 07:14:06 am
I can't speak for everything you wrote, but the first part is so true. My parent's always disagreed about how to raise me and my sister. They didn't fight like they hated each other, but my mom would let us do things on Shabbos and my dad would get upset and say we shouldn't. On the other hand, my dad would let us eat anything in the 10 days after Rosh Hashana and my mom was super strict. The missing consistency certainly made me realize it's all up to me. I can do whatever I want.
Reply
David
7/28/2017 07:27:01 am
Jason, you are not doing what you want. You are doing what your parents pushed on you...because they confused you. What you really want is to do all the Mitzvos.
Reply
Rivky Breuer
7/30/2017 10:35:27 pm
I have always told my children that "adults make mistakes" sometimes, yes we all have had our share of rotten teachers, sounds like harsh term but its the reality, or teachers who do "stupid" things, again a word I don't allow my children to use. I have found that each bad experience usually leads to some sort of "adjustment" made and a lesson learned by all. We don't wont to paint a picture of a world where adults can't be trusted but children do experience doses of reality that we can't shield them from. Its up to the parents to handle these situations properly and as you say, having a bad teacher or bad experience with a teacher or adult in charge should not be a reason in and of itself to go "OTD". I'm also a believer that some children and teens need to be given the space and opportunity to build life and academic skills that may not be offered in a yeshiva environment, or in a yeshiva environment that the parent has envisioned for their child, or rather a "trajectory". Parents need to be open to this. First make sure your child is given the tools to achieve academically and socially and then religion (will fall into place). I have seen many a child or teen have his academic, social and emotional needs met by a public school or less religious school than siblings or neighbors and these children/teens become wonderful, well adjusted and successful members of society and of the Jewish community.
Reply
Retired Parent
7/31/2017 09:40:10 am
If there is one sentence that should be remembered by anyone in this discussion is Rivky Breuer's last one. Even public school can and should be an option to consider based on circumstances. I have also seen cases when parents were influenced to keep children in day school/ yeshiva system at all costs and their child turns out to have nothing to do with Yiddishkeit while other children went to public school and are now frum adults with frum children. Chanoch. Lenaar al pi Darcho
Reply
Dov Ber
8/3/2017 05:52:24 am
Here's what flipped my mind. I thought you were going to give a list of ideas to parents, but you went after parents rabbis and and everyone. Good call. Raising kids is a community goal. Really nice man.
Reply
Efraim Blinder
8/3/2017 06:09:48 am
Absolutely fantastic article. For some reason every time a child goes OTD, we as a community blame either the child or the parents. There are so many more variables in play. Thank you for a fantastic article that I hope everyone reads. I'm looking forward to the last part.
Reply
Private
8/4/2017 08:54:08 am
Another well written segment. It's important to remember that Davening is one of the keys to success in raising children.
Reply
Shayna
8/5/2017 07:42:40 pm
I have been saying this for years. OTD doesn't happen only because of parenting. There are many parts to this, and we need to work with each other.
Reply
רחל
8/9/2017 11:18:07 pm
B"D
Reply
Shalom V.
8/17/2017 10:39:50 pm
This was by far the most informative article about OTD! Wow. I am sure you are helping families.
Reply
Leah Pasternak
8/17/2017 10:41:45 pm
Those stories were sad and beautiful. While it seems so odd the way parents react under pressure, I guess that's what happens when you have no guidance.
Reply
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
March 2020
Categories |