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Respect VS Friendship

1/5/2017

39 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. Like many others, I’ve been enjoying your weekly emails. I am not the type of mother to write or call in ever, but there is something that’s really been grating on my nerves for a while, and I’m wondering what you think about it. I get the feeling that parents have become friends with their children instead of being, well, parents. Shouldn’t parents be respected authority figures instead of companions to their kids? Or, am I old-school? Chana – Brooklyn.

The answer to both your questions, is yes. You are definitely old-school, but that’s a good thing. Children are supposed to have respect for their parents. Not only that, but according to the Torah, they’re supposed to fear their parents as well.

What’s gone wrong? As you pointed out so eloquently, parents are becoming friends with their children. On the surface, this seems to be wonderful. What a beautiful sight - parents and children hanging out like best friends.

However, the problems engendered with such a relationship can be quite serious. Let’s state at the outset that children need a lot from their parents, but we can narrow it down to two main elements.

The first ingredient is, of course, love. This includes, (but is not limited to) hugging, kissing, complimenting (most beneficial when done sincerely and specifically), and constant smiles. Love helps children develop into healthy, confident adults with a strong self-esteem.

The second ingredient, we’ll call nurture. This includes, (but is not limited to) guidance, discipline, physical assistance (e.g., changing diapers when they’re babies, helping organize their bedroom when they’re older), and more.

These two main ingredients require a delicate balance. Too much love, and your child will be a self-centered and lazy person. Too much nurture, and your child can become moody and depressed with many psychological issues. Additionally, children won’t learn to become independent if there’s too much nurture – otherwise referred to as helicopter parenting. As they develop and grow older, they still need both components, but the applications change slightly. By the time they’re teenagers, the love aspect becomes less physical and more of a supportive attitude. Meanwhile, the nurturing aspect becomes less of a discipline, and more of guidance.

I know this sounds funny, but for many people, the easiest ages to raise children from a love vs. nurture standpoint, is newborns and older teenagers. The reason is, because your job is more clearly delineated.  Newborns need lots of love (and some diaper changes obviously). Older teenagers are, well, teenagers. They are much harder to discipline, and don’t necessarily respond well to loving gestures. “Why do I have to text you when I get there?!”, is all the proof you need.

The most difficult ages for most parents regarding this topic though, is from ages 3-13.  During these ages, it can be extremely difficult to find the right balance. When your three-year-old colors on the wall, do you discipline or laugh it off? There are many different parenting styles, and it’s most important for parents to work together whichever approach they agree upon.

However, in most cases, as children mature, the parent’s role frequently becomes more of a disciplinarian (nurturing aspect). This is mainly because more discipline and guidance/advice is needed as children get older.  As a result, it can become difficult for parents who want to be their child’s “friend” (the “love” aspect). As parents, they may feel these conflicting emotions inside, but they must understand what their child really needs.

He doesn’t need you to be his friend.  He needs you to guide him, whether it means giving a consequence, disciplining him, or even having a serious conversation.  Here’s an example. If your son disrespects you in front of the other kids, you don’t want to say, “He must be having a bad day, we’re still ‘cool’. You must switch into the nurture mode, and deal with it appropriately.

Another mistake that parents are often guilty of, is treating a child as their confidante. Your child is not mature enough, emotionally or intellectually, to play that role. When you make your child your confidante, you are in fact saying that you and the child are co-decision makers.  However, you and your child are not co-decision makers in any realistic way.

This doesn’t mean your kids can’t share their opinion when appropriate. Of course they can tell you what they like and dislike. But certainly decisions, especially important ones, and sometimes even certain minor ones, must be made by you, the parent. Believe it or not, children thrive with this type of structure, and it gives them the skills they require to become good parents later on!

Here are a few fun tidbits to think about.
  • A good measure of your relationship with your child is the word “No”.  If you never tell that to your children, something is wrong.
  • Parents that are too friendly with their children end up feeling resentful when their children move on in life.  They feel a remarkable sense of loss, and might compensate for it by blaming the child.
  • If you are overly friendly with your child, it is possible to change, but it needs to be done gradually.
  • Although we discussed this in previous articles, it bears repeating. Parents in divorced families will often, albeit unintentionally, become the child’s confidante. The child gets stuck painfully in the middle, which is not fair to him/her.
  • It’s very hard to discipline your child if you put yourself on an equal footing with them.
  • Most importantly, keep in mind that your children don’t need your friendship. They need to know that there is someone who will always love them unconditionally and be in control, guiding and assisting them.
Have a great Shabbos.
 YR
39 Comments
Kalman
1/5/2017 07:48:00 pm

Wonderful article. Parents are not supposed to be "besties".

Reply
Chaim Leib
1/5/2017 08:13:00 pm

This is one of my favorite articles. Wow. Just wow.

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D.S.B.
1/5/2017 08:13:46 pm

I'm one of the moms who befriended my child. I will always regret it. He does not listen to me any more, and it's killing me. You are 100% correct.

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Private
1/5/2017 08:14:56 pm

I'm not sure why, but I get the feeling that this article is primarily for moms. This doesn't usually doesn't happen to fathers.

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David
1/5/2017 08:17:26 pm

Nope. Happened to me with my oldest - realized my mistake and fixed it.

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Ari S.
1/5/2017 08:30:33 pm

How about the grandparents that are too friendly? That also messes things up!

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 08:35:39 pm

Although you might be correct, that might be because mothers are around the kids more often. Ari, your point will be in a separate article about 4 weeks.

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Shoshana
1/5/2017 08:15:25 pm

Many great thoughts. Rabbi Ross, thank you for this and all of the articles.

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Ariella G.
1/5/2017 08:16:15 pm

I don't know. My kids and I have a very close relationship, and it's working great.

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David
1/5/2017 08:17:49 pm

Are you close, or a friend. There is a difference you know.

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Chana W.
1/5/2017 08:19:07 pm

You are really correct about the issues with disciplining a child if you're too friendly with them. My good friend is dealing with this now. It's really not fun.

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Pinny
1/5/2017 08:22:11 pm

I never commented before, but I really enjoyed this. MY wife really is too friendly with the kids, so I will show her this.

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 08:34:15 pm

Thanks for your comment. I would not "Show" it to your wife, maybe leave it lying around.

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J.M.
1/5/2017 08:32:06 pm

My issue is not only the friendship that my wife has with the kids, it's the fact that I'm jealous in a way. I know it's an unhealthy relationship, but they have so much fun, and I'm at work.

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 09:58:56 pm

I totally understand. However, it doesn't change the fact that it's unhealthy. Would you like me to delete your comment in case she reads this?

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Donny
1/5/2017 08:33:11 pm

All I can say is, not in my house. My kids know that I love them, but I am in charge. (actually my wife is, but I'm in second place.)

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Chana B.
1/5/2017 08:38:08 pm

Thank you for your response. I have no problem being old school, I think it's in my DNA. Reading this article made me feel a lot better. Have a wonderful Shabbos!

Reply
Leah P.
1/5/2017 09:50:52 pm

Guilty as charged. lol. You are correct - I do this since my mother was cold to us all. Some of my siblings too after my mom, I swore I wouldn't, My oldest is only 4 - should I be worried?

Reply
Worried Mom
1/5/2017 09:54:28 pm

Sorry I didn't put my name this time - my friends read this article every week. Do you think we should say something to a friend who is too friendly with their child?

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 10:14:39 pm

I can't answer a question without knowing you or your friend. However, you can always ask forward it to her and ask her opinion.

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Avigdor H.
1/5/2017 09:55:44 pm

Many great points! Also, it's really bad for your kids! They might gravitate towards their parents thereby missing out on crucial friendships.

Reply
Eliezer Schnider
1/5/2017 10:09:45 pm

I have a few points that I would like to make.

1) It is incredible how well you write and understand children and parents. Yasher Koach!

2) This issue you are speaking about is getting worse every day. I saw a really cute video about someone saying kids need "Vitamin N" - meaning the word "No".

3) I would like to sponsor an article. How do I do that?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 10:16:15 pm

Eliezer, thanks. Rumor has it, you're pretty good at Parenting also. I heard about the vitamin "N" - I loved it as well. I'm not currently allowing people or companies to sponsor. Thank you for trying.

Reply
Sparky
1/5/2017 10:12:04 pm

M wife told you to write this, correct? She is always telling me that I'm acting like a sibling instead of a father. Better than being a mean and abusive father, right?

Reply
Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 10:17:32 pm

Yes. Being a friend to your children is better than being abusive. However, why limit yourself to those options? You can also just be a great dad!

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John P.
1/5/2017 10:13:06 pm

I'm not Jewish, but I signed up a while ago. I'm guessing that Yid means Jew parenting. Seems like we all have the same problems. Can I share this on my church blog?

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 10:18:34 pm

John, parenting is something that can be challenging for all faiths. Please contact me via the contact page, and we'll talk on the phone. Enjoy your weekend, and thanks for reading.

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Levi
1/5/2017 10:32:39 pm

Great reading material. Thank you for this.

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No Name
1/5/2017 10:35:15 pm

Sorry for going anonymous. I'm worried my husband will read this. I am overly friendly to compensate for my husband being horrible. As you pointed out, it's a blend. If my husband insists on being verbally abusive, I'll go in the other direction. Do you agree?

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Rabbi Ross
1/5/2017 10:36:26 pm

Please contact me via email.

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Rephael
1/5/2017 10:40:51 pm

Rabbi, this is an outstanding article. My father used to be my best friend, but as the years passed, I began to pull away, and he was so offended. He thinks betrayed him, and he uses every opportunity to tell my kids "I hope you don't betray your father"

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Shayna
1/5/2017 10:41:52 pm

Maybe sit with your father and talk it out?

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R.L.
1/5/2017 10:59:09 pm

As you wrote, the transition period is so difficult. My 7 year old was so easy, I have lots of love and he needed only a little nurture (as you call it). It seems like overnight it changed, and I have to work so hard making sure there's enough love every day. I truly enjoy these articles. You make parenting so much easier. Thank you.

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Dovid Krell
1/6/2017 12:26:14 am

The funniest part of this whole email, is that this woman refers to herself as old school. In other words, being an intelligent person, has rendered her different. I think it's the story of our generation. Oy.

Reply
David
1/6/2017 10:26:28 am

You are spot on my friend. The generation we live in is so concerned about feelings, we've forgotten what it means to discipline.

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Chaya Mushka
1/6/2017 05:28:05 am

Initially I was surprised that you didn't mention Davening as one of the parts required for raising a child. Then I realized you were talking only from the perspective of a parent raising the child. This was a tricky subject, and you navigated it quite well.

I would also add that befriending your children, increases the risk of jealousy amongst them. Have a good Shabbos.

Reply
Freida
1/6/2017 10:01:58 am

I've said this before, but this is my favorite article. You took a tricky subject and clarified it beautifully. This is definitely a problem that affect many parents, and I hope they read this and gain from it.

Reply
Estie D.
1/6/2017 10:11:03 am

I was raised by a mother who made me her best friend. It was really great, and our relationship blossomed. However, once I turned 12, I began to gravitate to my friends who were weirded out by our relationship. My mother was so insulted.

Now that I'm a mother, I can agree with all that you wrote. Be a parent not a friend.

Reply
Shayna Lefrak
1/6/2017 10:27:30 am

This is such a crucial article! Very well done Rabbi Ross!

Reply

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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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