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Seder Time...

4/20/2016

18 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross,

Not to beat a dead horse, but I wanted to thank you for these e-mails. I’m sure it takes a lot of time and it’s greatly appreciated. I was hoping you could settle an argument I’m having with my husband. Every year, our Seder lasts for around 5 hours. Although he really tries keeping it fun for the kids, I truly believe it would be a better Seder if it lasted 3 hours. What are your thoughts please? Esther – Far Rockaway.

Thank you for your kind words. I would love to say “It’s not about how long it lasts; it’s about how much the kids are engaged!” However, I do believe that the two are connected. Many boys have told me over the years how “Long and boring” their Sedorim are. It seems therefore, that many children do connect the length with loss of interest.
Without knowing the ages, temperaments and family dynamic, it’s hard to suggest a specific time limit for your Seder.  However, I will share with you some great ideas of how to make your Seder interesting for your children.
  1. Try and keep everything age appropriate, if possible. Five-year-old children will not sit through Maggid, and fourteen year olds may not want to sing Dayenu.
  2. You and your spouse can take turns going ahead in Maggid, while the other one engages the kids in fun discussions.
  3. Seating arguments? Who has the better pillow? It’s not worth getting aggravated.  This special night only happens twice a year.  Do your very best to keep all the kids happy – even if they’re not being reasonable.
  4. Try and be as prepared as possible to make everything seem more exciting.  Once they are waiting for the Matzah or Marror to be measured, they start to lose interest.
  5. If you have age discrepancies, for example a fourteen-year-old and a five-year-old, it might be hard to find common ground.  In this case, try splitting the table up. You can talk about Pharaoh to the younger one while your spouse listens to the Divrei Torah.
  6. Having a long Seder for younger kids seems silly. The whole point of the Seder is to pique the interest of the children.  Why would you want to have a 5 hour Seder?  Keep it moving.  Whereas there is no magic number, 2 ½ hours is more than enough for younger kids.
  7. When Yachatz arrives, it’s Afikomen time. Let your children hide it, and you find it. Don’t use the word steal. We don’t want to condone stealing of any sort.
  8. Rewarding the kids for questions and answers is a fantastic idea. If you’re using food, try to stay away from candies as it hypes up the kids. The end result will be a few overtired and extremely hyperactive kids moving around their chairs at supersonic speeds while asking, “Are we there yet?”
  9. There’s a reason why children should not be drinking alcoholic beverages. It’s not safe. I don’t even think it’s a good idea to pretend to give them alcohol (putting grape juice in the wine bottle). Rather, give them a little bit on the bottom of their cups, and tell them when you they’re older, they can have a bit more.
  10. This one is for the dads. Most of the women I know are frantically preparing for Yom Tov by shopping, cooking, cleaning, shopping, cooking, watching kids and shopping.  (When I say shopping, I’m not talking shoe shopping online. I’m talking going to a supermarket with ten thousand other people, parking a mile away, and fighting for the last container of tomato sauce while simultaneously watching the three younger ones.) The Seder night is their chance to sit back and enjoy.  Yes, we want the kids to enjoy. However, we can impart a great lesson if we tell the kids, “Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s help clean the table or serve, so mommy can feel like a free person also!” 

Wishing you and your family a wonderful and meaningful Pesach. This year in Yerushalayim!
​
Rabbi Ross
 
18 Comments
Daniel
4/20/2016 07:15:14 pm

Great points! Our Seder was very long when I was a kid, so I keep it shorter.

Reply
Cheskel Tykovitz
4/20/2016 07:18:56 pm

As a boy, my Tatty would have a very fast Seder, and then let the older kids stay up to discuss Divrei Torah. This was a win-win for everyone.

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Baila L.
4/20/2016 07:20:32 pm

Thank you for number 10. It's nice to be appreciated.

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Shaya L.
4/20/2016 07:28:11 pm

Such a great article! It's all about the kids.

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David
4/20/2016 08:04:03 pm

Great point on the alcohol. Too often, we make alcohol a focal point of Yom Tov and Shabbos.

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Rabbi Ross
4/20/2016 08:06:38 pm

Thank you David. I agree with you.

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Hadassah
4/20/2016 08:05:01 pm

I noticed that you didn't bring up the cons of going to a hotel for Yom Tov. What thoughts do you have on making Pesach into a vacation?

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Rabbi Ross
4/20/2016 08:12:39 pm

I get the feeling you are not a fan of hotels. Yes, there are cons, but there are some serious pros as well. Many mothers enjoy Yom Tov because they go away, otherwise they are working too hard to appreciate everything. I think it’s a personal preference. If the kids are happy and are loving Yiddishkeit, it’s all good.

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Shaya Termechi
4/20/2016 08:29:48 pm

Your last point was interesting. If it's so important for the mothers to relax, shouldn't we slow the Seder down?

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Rabbi Ross
4/20/2016 08:37:23 pm

I don't like to think about the Seder in terms of length. I do think that we should try to keep it exciting for the children. There are those that like to have a "Long" Seder, so they can come to shul and say "We finished at 3:00". That is wrong.

In any case, I can't imagine any mother being relaxed while her kids are getting antsy - there is a direct correlation between antsy kids and annoyed mothers. I'm not saying to go super fast, just to keep it moving.

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Arielle
4/20/2016 08:39:12 pm

Rabbi Ross said nothing about going fast, he just doesn't want people going super slow. I'm on board. A good night's sleep is important also.

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Private
4/20/2016 08:31:11 pm

Great article again. This should be posted in hotels all over for Yom Tov. It's not how long, it's how the kids are enjoying.

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Sam D.
4/21/2016 06:48:11 am

Pesach is always about the kids. I know men that argue about whose Seder lasted longer. So sad.

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Sarah Davidowitz
4/21/2016 07:14:27 am

Very well put. Forwarding to my family.

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Shira
4/21/2016 08:14:24 am

Another idea is to look over your kids sheets before the Seder to have an idea as to what you need to focus on. Thank you.

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Erica
4/21/2016 08:36:11 am

Thank you for this article. At the risk of generalizing, usually fathers like the longer Sedorim. If it's for Divrei Torah, that's fine. If it's wasting time, it's more of a problem.

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Zahava Aranov
4/21/2016 12:44:02 pm

This email sounds like the conversation that takes place in our home every year. I agree 1000%. My husband does not. It's so important that we make these Sedorim kid oriented. Thank You.

Reply
Jason
4/21/2016 01:57:39 pm

Just got this in Florida. Beautifully written and so accurate. Thanks!

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    Author

    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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