Seder Time...

Rabbi Ross,

Not to beat a dead horse, but I wanted to thank you for these e-mails. I’m sure it takes a lot of time and it’s greatly appreciated. I was hoping you could settle an argument I’m having with my husband. Every year, our Seder lasts for around 5 hours. Although he really tries keeping it fun for the kids, I truly believe it would be a better Seder if it lasted 3 hours. What are your thoughts please? Esther – Far Rockaway.

Thank you for your kind words. I would love to say “It’s not about how long it lasts; it’s about how much the kids are engaged!” However, I do believe that the two are connected. Many boys have told me over the years how “Long and boring” their Sedorim are. It seems therefore, that many children do connect the length with loss of interest.
Without knowing the ages, temperaments and family dynamic, it’s hard to suggest a specific time limit for your Seder.  However, I will share with you some great ideas of how to make your Seder interesting for your children.

1. Try and keep everything age appropriate, if possible. Five-year-old children will not sit through Maggid, and fourteen year olds may not want to sing Dayenu.
2. You and your spouse can take turns going ahead in Maggid, while the other one engages the kids in fun discussions.
3. Seating arguments? Who has the better pillow? It’s not worth getting aggravated.  This special night only happens twice a year.  Do your very best to keep all the kids happy – even if they’re not being reasonable.
4. Try and be as prepared as possible to make everything seem more exciting.  Once they are waiting for the Matzah or Marror to be measured, they start to lose interest.
5. If you have age discrepancies, for example a fourteen-year-old and a five-year-old, it might be hard to find common ground.  In this case, try splitting the table up. You can talk about Pharaoh to the younger one while your spouse listens to the Divrei Torah.
6. Having a long Seder for younger kids seems silly. The whole point of the Seder is to pique the interest of the children.  Why would you want to have a 5 hour Seder?  Keep it moving.  Whereas there is no magic number, 2 ½ hours is more than enough for younger kids.
7. When Yachatz arrives, it’s Afikomen time. Let your children hide it, and you find it. Don’t use the word steal. We don’t want to condone stealing of any sort.
8. Rewarding the kids for questions and answers is a fantastic idea. If you’re using food, try to stay away from candies as it hypes up the kids. The end result will be a few overtired and extremely hyperactive kids moving around their chairs at supersonic speeds while asking, “Are we there yet?”
9. There’s a reason why children should not be drinking alcoholic beverages. It’s not safe. I don’t even think it’s a good idea to pretend to give them alcohol (putting grape juice in the wine bottle). Rather, give them a little bit on the bottom of their cups, and tell them when you they’re older, they can have a bit more.
10. This one is for the dads. Most of the women I know are frantically preparing for Yom Tov by shopping, cooking, cleaning, shopping, cooking, watching kids and shopping.  (When I say shopping, I’m not talking shoe shopping online. I’m talking going to a supermarket with ten thousand other people, parking a mile away, and fighting for the last container of tomato sauce while simultaneously watching the three younger ones.) The Seder night is their chance to sit back and enjoy.  Yes, we want the kids to enjoy. However, we can impart a great lesson if we tell the kids, “Hey, I have an idea!  Let’s help clean the table or serve, so mommy can feel like a free person also!” 

Wishing you and your family a wonderful and meaningful Pesach. This year in Yerushalayim!
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Rabbi Ross