Hi. My son is extremely resistant to writing Thank You cards now that his Bar Mitzvah is over. He says he wants to call the people up and say thank you, since it’s more personal and saves time. It seems to me that he’s just being lazy, but I’m wondering if this is a battle I want to have. Thanks for your help. Chanie - Monsey
What’s a thank you card? I’m kidding of course. I deal with a lot of Bar Mitzvah boys, and I’ve heard all the complaints. “It’s boring and annoying.” “Why can’t people just give a gift and I’ll say thank you at the Bar Mitzvah?” These days we live in an age of electronics and instant gratification. Writing thank you letters is, as one of my Talmidim put it, “Monotonous”. Hakoras Hatov is one of the cornerstones of Yiddishkeit. We make Brachos to thank Hashem all the time, and one of the first things that a child learns is to say Modeh Ani in the morning. If children learn to say “thank you” at a young age, they mature faster and learn to appreciate others. Not only will parents appreciate this, but it’s a great tool for marriage. The flip side is, handwriting is slowly becoming a lost art, a thing of the past. As we rely more and more on computers and electronic media, having good penmanship is not emphasized. Even the kids that have nice handwriting, don’t usually have the patience to write for an extended period of time. This brings us back to your question. Is it worth the battle? I don’t think so. I’ve heard of Bar Mitzvah boys paying their siblings to write the thank you letters for them, which is a fair compromise idea. It teaches the Bar Mitzvah boy the importance of saying thank you, and the recipients won’t know the difference. I once got a typed thank you letter, and I thought that was quite odd. Yes, the boy signed it on the bottom, but it felt wrong. However, your son has offered a great alternative, in my opinion. He’s showing that he understands the importance of Hakoras Hatov, and is taking the initiative. Many boys would just say, “I don’t want to write them”, and yet he’s giving you a solution. Not only that, but it’s a very creative solution. It seems very personal, and I wouldn’t be insulted if a Bar Mitzvah boy called me to thank me for a present. Obviously, there has to be some ground rules. No leaving messages. No texting. Calls should have some substance (“Thank you so much for the beautiful watch! I wear it on Shabbos and I really like it!”). He must speak slowly and clearly and make sure that it sounds sincere. I’m sure that there are many people that will disagree with this, and they are entitled to their opinions. As you pointed out so eloquently in your question, it’s all about choosing battles. If your son is coming to you with a viable solution, I think it’s important to at least acknowledge his attempt, and discuss it. As a side point, I’ve noticed that I usually get thank you cards quite a few months after the event. It’s understandable, since most Bar Mitzvah boys are quite busy between Yeshiva and homework. According to a few people that I’ve spoken with, one year is the limit. If anyone out there has any insights, feel free to comment. Have a great Shabbos. YR
12 Comments
Faigy Pinto
4/19/2018 05:55:47 pm
I wouldn't like a call. A letter means more to me. I don't mind getting it later, it's a reminder that I gave a gift.
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Sharon Becker
4/19/2018 07:49:12 pm
You make a great point about hakoras hatov. My aunt used to only give her boys the money after they wrote the thank you letter.
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Dovid Meyer
4/19/2018 07:52:30 pm
Nothing beats a personalized thank you card. Yet I would not mind a phone call especially since these days kids have no attention spans. I am going to agree with you. I still think a card is nice though.
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Retired Parent
4/19/2018 08:52:05 pm
If a child is not willing to spend time writing a thank you card, return the gift. He can't earn anywhere near the value of the gifts for the time spent. We are making spoiled kids. More than half a century for me,but remember the thank you notes and envelopes. Hakaros Hatov Issa important as learning a blast Gemarrah.
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Chaia Frishman
4/19/2018 09:00:22 pm
I liked all your points. I am old-fashioned and believe my son should write a note, but as far as receiving thank you cards? It's not my chinuch to tell another parent what their son should send me. That said, I like some sort of acknowledgement for one reason. It helps me know that their got the gift (assuming it wasn't a check of course.) When I send something, I want to know the recipient got it. Also, sometimes if I don't get an acknowledgement, I don't know if I ever sent it and then I send another gift. Which would just encourage boys not to write cards... I think that it helps the child make an effort of thanks. Call me crazy, but they find time to do other things, there is no reason they can't find the time to do this. Not everything in life it fun and exciting.
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Dassi Lerner
4/19/2018 09:05:43 pm
My initial reaction was to sat it's a horrible idea to make phone calls, but I decided that it's actually pretty smart. It's more personal. It shows that the child is taking the initiative. My son refused to write the cards so we didn't let him spend any of the money until he was 18 years old. Had he offered to make call I think we would have been ok with that. It's a tough call.
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Rachel from Brooklyn
4/19/2018 10:37:05 pm
This is a wonderful debate and no one is wrong. It really depends on the way you feel and I completely hear both sides. The one thing that I really enjoyed, was the fact that Rabbi wrote saying thank you is a great tool for marriage. Yes, it's early, but I agree that at a young age boys should already start learning to appreciate things and saying Thank You. Your wife doesn't even need a letter or a phone call.
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Chesky
4/20/2018 07:24:13 am
What struck me most was that the kid offered an alternative. That’s what makes it likely to succeed. Problems are a dime a dozen. Solutions are more challenging. I say go for it!
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Private
4/20/2018 07:41:36 am
No kids like writing these cards. It's a rite of passage. He'll get over it. This is a battle you want to fight!
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Lori Maslow
4/22/2018 08:31:47 pm
I totally disagree. Anyone and everyone who gave a gift should get a thank-you card. I do not go for these pre-printed ones, unless the boy has learning issues. The problem with rationalizing, that handwriting is becoming a lost art, or that everything is electronic,or any other excuse, is that these children think than that everything is coming to them. They have not earned any money yet. While shopping for my own son's Bar Mitzvah invitations several years ago, I heard a mother tell the printer that 'these' pre-printed cards would be for those who only gave $18. I was appalled. And, I did speak up. In fact, I was so upset with her flippant attitude, that I left the store. The only lesson learned by saying it is ok not to write out thank you cards is that the world revolves around your child. That's real Derech Eretz, correct?
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Shevy Bessner
4/22/2018 10:13:48 pm
I’m theory I think you’re correct. You are talking about a different generation. You admitted that your son is much older and this was years ago. These days, kids have much less patience and probably aren’t going to do it. Still I think you’re right but realistically a call is better than nothing.
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Shmuel Dovid
4/22/2018 10:17:41 pm
Are you kidding me? If my son offered to call people for a personalized thank you, I would love it!! That’s awesome! What is wrong with doing things different if it’s the same result. People gave a gift, getting thanked. Seems even better to me. I can’t undertand why any of these commentators are unhappy. Is it a rite of passage? Because you had to write, so do your kids? I’m baffled by this logic. A letter is nice, but goes in the garbage in a second. A phone call leaves a great impression.
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AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
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