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Back to School

9/11/2020

6 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. Our son started Yeshiva one day ago and is already miserable. You wouldn’t believe the restrictions being placed on the children. They wear masks all day. The have glass barriers. The Rebbes and Morahs are behind glass barriers and wearing masks. They’re being kept in separate groups all the time and the environment fosters irritation. This will never work for my son who already gets frustrated easily. What can I do to keep him happy and focused on his learning with all these insane (and unnecessary) distractions? I don’t believe masks are healthy, but I loved your article two weeks ago. I and many others don’t think masks are doing anything useful, but in case I’m wrong, I want to err on the side of caution. Most of us non-believers would agree that those who deliberately don’t wear masks inside public stores are just calling for attention. Kids? They’re not even carriers! Let them learn! Please advise us, as we love your guidance. Simcha Rechter

As most of my readers know, I don’t edit the emails I receive, thereby allowing the readers to get a feel for the mindset of the ones asking. After reading the above question last week, I had to stop and reread it. Multiple times. There are a lot of points that were made, and although I don’t agree with many of them there are many parents that are thinking along the same lines. Let’s start from the beginning.

We’re all miserable with the situation. I don’t know of any school directors that said “Hey! Let’s just put up some partitions and make all the kids and teachers wear masks!” It’s causing serious issues for every Yeshiva. They’re hurting financially. It’s making it difficult for the Rebbeim and teachers. It’s creating logistical nightmares when it comes to transportation.

The reason that Yeshivos are following all these restrictions seems to be twofold. First of all, there are rules being implemented by the counties and governments. If these rules aren’t followed, the schools might suffer some serious consequences. Even if they were able to slip under the radar, do we really want to antagonize these people? The other reason is pretty obvious. It’s the smart move. Even though the chances of kids getting the virus are slim, if we can lower those odds let’s go for it. The pros of being careful certainly outweigh the cons.

Next. No, the kids don’t wear masks all day. They only have to wear them when they’re out of their seats, or indoors (at least in NY). Recess outside is mask-free, and Rebbeim and teachers don’t make federal issues when they forget to put on their masks. The barriers aren’t glass (which would be quite dangerous), they’re plexiglass. I am aware of how hard it is to teach with all these distractions – I am a Rebbe in a Yeshiva.  However, I keep telling myself that Yidden have dealt with far worse, and somehow, they managed to make it work.

Let’s keep things in perspective. As you pointed out so eloquently, this virus Baruch Hashem has not been affecting most children. Can you imagine how scary that would be? Yes, the barriers are an annoyance. It’s harder to hear the kids, handing out Seforim is a more challenging, and even keeping the classroom neat has become a hassle. They have an annoying reflection, it makes it more difficult for the kids to focus… and I can go on and on.  Ultimately, it’s not that big of a deal. Really.

You mentioned that the staff is “Behind barriers and wearing masks”. The fact is, the Rebbeim and teachers are working overtime to make this work. It’s very irritating at times, and the masks are uncomfortable. Nonetheless, we’re fine. Once we start learning, all the annoyances just melt away. As I wrote before, it’s really not such a big deal.

No, the kids aren’t being kept in groups. They’re not being secluded. All that’s happening is that the kids are not joining together with other classes for recess when possible. It’s simple. If C”V one kid ends up being positive, it’ll be much easier to deal with it from a damage control perspective. This isn’t going to be long-term, and the kids don’t even think about it. Interestingly enough, these kids are so excited to be back in school with their friends, they don’t even seem to notice that they’re not combining with other classes.

You also mentioned your son gets frustrated easily. That’s a completely separate issue. Most of the kids that I see aren’t frustrated at all, and the ones that are, coincidentally, have parents that are also easily frustrated. If you keep griping about the issues with wearing masks in your house, it’s quite likely your children will feel the same way. It doesn’t matter if you agree with wearing masks or not. You don’t need to project your feelings onto your children. I know many families in which both parents don’t think the masks are useful at all, and yet they tell their children to wear the masks like everyone else.

The article that you’re referencing wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I simply can’t understand those that are making mask wearing a federal issue. It’s a simple request that has a chance of helping ourselves and others. You’re correct though. Many people that don’t agree with the mask wearing, still wear them just in case. It’s only the truly selfish ones that are willing to risk other people’s health.

The point you discussed about kids not being carriers, well I couldn’t get enough data on that. Baruch Hashem, this isn’t affecting children as hard, but we don’t know if they are passing it along. Let’s just be careful and see how things work out. The kids are really fine.

All in all, the kids are dealing with some minor inconveniences. I’ve been teaching for almost 2 weeks, and the bigger issue is retraining the kids to sit in their seats and stay focused. They’ve had a six-month vacation from the classroom, and it shows. It’s going to be an amazing year BE”H, and we’re all Davening that we can all stay healthy.
​
Have a great Shabbos
YR
 
 
6 Comments

Remote Tuition...

8/28/2020

7 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. We’re hoping that as a Rebbe you can answer the following question. Our son’s Yeshiva is telling us to sign a paper agreeing to pay tuition even if we need to revert back to Zoom. We have two issues with this. Why should we be paying full price if we’re not getting the full service? Also, the schools must be saving money when there aren’t children in the building. Why can’t they pass off those savings to us? We could have our kids tutored remotely for a quarter of the cost! Please don’t print my name.

The two issues you asked about are really one issue. You feel, as do many others, that the Yeshivos should not be charging full tuition if we need to start learning remotely. My initial response to this question was to reply, “This is not really a parenting question.” However, since it’s chinuch-related, I’m going to try to answer the question.

The truth is, there are many reasons to follow along with what your Yeshiva requested. Before I begin, I would like to make a full disclosure. As a Rebbe in a Yeshiva, I am obviously biased in this article for a few reasons. First of all, I’m paid by a Yeshiva, and second of all, as a Rebbe, I have discounted tuition. Nonetheless I think the answer below is pretty accurate. While there have many discussions regarding the high cost of tuition in general, this article is focusing solely on the issues regarding paying for remote learning.

I’ve heard from a few people that they felt it was unfair to be paying tuition if the kids were home. It’s important that everyone understand that the Yeshivos don’t want the kids home. It makes the learning much more difficult and it causes all sorts of problems. I’ve listed a few of the main ones below.
  
  1. The Logistics. The Yeshivas need to make sure that every child has a device or a phone line that can connect. They also need to make sure that every Rebbe and teacher can not only run the class, but that they understand the intricacies of teaching remotely.
  2. The Education. The work that goes on behind the scenes during a typical school year is incredible. Every Yeshiva has a specific syllabus, and the administration has to make sure it’s being implemented by the Rebbeim and teachers. This changes from year to year and working remotely causes all sorts of complications. It’s much more difficult to grade tests and accurately assess how each child is doing. This doesn’t mean the Yeshivos are giving up. On the contrary, there have been many more meetings and discussions than ever before.
  3. The Attitude. At the end of the last school year, there was a general burnout from all kids regarding zoom. It’s very difficult to keep them focused long term, and many Yeshivos spent a lot of time training the staff on preventative measures. This year, every Yeshiva is working overtime to ensure that the kids stay focused even if we need to switch to remote learning
  4. The Connection. I’m not talking about the internet. These days, Rebbeim and teachers are a lot more tuned in to the needs of each child. In the classroom we’re able to connect on different levels. Some kids need to shine in Davening, others on the football field.
  5. The Unknown. Since we’re dealing with situations that are constantly changing, all Yeshivos are trying to be as proactive as possible. What would happen if a few children C”V got sick? Classrooms are being retrofitted with cameras and smartboards at considerable costs.
 
 There are many other reasons that I’m not mentioning, but I’m sure you get the idea. However, there are a few other things to keep in mind. I’m not in the loop regarding school finances and the savings regarding remote learning versus in-school. It would seem to be very minimal if at all. I’m sure that many of the savings that you mentioned are not very realistic. Are the electric bills lower? I’m sure. Does the building require cleaning? Probably not as often.  These small savings are likely offset by other expenses related to the remote learning. Assuming the school saved even $15,000 (not likely), and there are 500 kids enrolled, you’re looking at a $30 refund per family.

Furthermore, many donors are unable to help as much as they would like to. This obviously puts added stress onto the administration and board members who are trying to fundraise. In any case, one of the most expensive parts about running a school is the payroll. If parents stopped paying tuition, indubitably the teachers would stop getting paid as well. Although technically that sounds fair, realistically what would happen is the top teachers (and Rebbeim) would have to look elsewhere for income. Once this virus has run its course it would be very difficult to get these teachers and Rebbeim back into the classroom. Ultimately the ones that would be losing out the most would be our children.

All this being said, if any family is having difficulties paying tuition, the schools are truly being proactive. Even in these difficult and challenging times most of these wonderful Yeshivos are going out of their way to alleviate any fears of the parents. Throughout our communities, our Yeshivos are constantly putting our children first. Let’s support them through the end of this pandemic, and IY”H straight into the coming of Moshiach.

Have a good Shabbos.
YR
7 Comments

It's a conspiracy?

8/14/2020

19 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. As my children are getting older, they’re beginning to read and hear things that my wife and I don’t agree with. This past week, my 15 year-old-son Yoni, decided he doesn’t want to wear a mask into stores anymore. He was convinced by some arguments he read from a Jewish person in a Jewish newspaper. He’s a good boy, and will listen if I tell him to anyways, but I think this deserves an explanation. How can I convince him it’s the right thing to do – he’s not a dumb kid and won’t fall for any tricks. TIA - Eli.

I would like to begin by pointing out that most kids don’t fall for “tricks”. Parents like to think that they’re fooling their kids at times. Here’s some great advice. Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for.  To answer your question, I would suggest telling your son the following, or better yet, let him read it himself.

The way I like to explain things to my own children is as follows. There are three main types of conspiracy theorists. The first type is the relatively harmless type. An example would be, the people that believe the earth is flat.  I have a friend (we’ll call him Joe) who is completely convinced that the world is flat. He asked me to check out his website, and he is 100% convinced. He can actually prove it, (although his proofs are fallacies).

Joe likes to share his view with anyone who can listen, but he’s a pretty chilled out guy. Joe doesn’t hurt anyone and splits his time between telling people about the earth being flat, and the fact that he’s a vegan. Joe’s views aren’t dangerous, although he does run the risk of boring people to death.

The second type of conspiracy theorists are those that mainly harm themselves. An example would be those that are anti vaccines. I’ve spoken with many of these people, and we’ve come to an agreement of sorts. We all agree that putting chemicals into your body isn’t a smart thing to do. However, I go a step further and say the benefits of putting these chemicals into your body completely outweighs the minuscule (but possible) chance of having a serious or deadly reaction.

The ones that get harmed the most are the immediate family members who are unprotected from the deadly diseases that we’re taking the vaccine for. Nonetheless, there are some immune compromised people that are unable to take vaccines. These people are in danger because of these anti-vaccination theories. If a person that doesn’t get vaccinated is sick with any  transmittable disease, and they come in contact with one of these compromised people, it can have a horrible consequence.

I’ve tried explaining this to many of these people, but they are guilty of the very same things they accuse everyone else of. Namely, they refuse to listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with them. They risk hurting others, but mostly they’re hurting themselves. I know the names of many people associated with this “movement”, and at least for some I do not impugn their motives, but my wish is that they at least agree to take the vaccines that can kill other people if there is no herd immunity.

 The last group of conspiracy theorists are the deadliest. They are the people that will actively hurt others to prove a point. Here’s an example. People that refuse to wear a mask indoors (in a public place). To be fair, medical experts do not completely understand this pandemic, but all of the top experts in the field, such as the CDC, the NIAID, the IDSA and the state DOH (the alphabet soup of infection professionals) all strongly advocate that wearing masks will save countless lives.

I’m sure many of us have had doubts if this virus was dealt with correctly. There is a lot of false information being passed around, and it gets very confusing. To be brutally honest, I’ve wondered why I need to wear a mask if I’m Davening outdoors. However, and this part is critical, my doubts are unimportant! I’m not a doctor! Yes, Facebook and Google have ordained me at times, but there are people way smarter than me that are telling us that wearing a mask is mandatory.

I asked my doctor and my Rav. They both said to wear a mask. It’s that simple. I’m not a “sheep” nor do I follow blindly. I just believe that if there’s even a one in a million chance that I could prevent someone from getting sick by wearing a mask, I’ll do it! Even though the masks make my work more difficult, they’re irritating, and they are seriously uncomfortable, I’ll still wear them.

The ones that argue about this are plain old self-centered people. If it’s that hard to walk around inside a store with a mask, stay home! Some of these people have written the most eloquent and detailed arguments against masks. I’ve read them, and here’s the gist of what they’re writing. “I’m a selfish person and I’ll risk the lives of others so I can get some attention.”

At least with people that are against vaccinations, I understand their fears. They don’t want to inject chemicals in their body. The fact that these chemicals can save their lives ( as well as others), is what they’re arguing about. Don’t get me wrong, I think they’re terribly mistaken. However, I can understand from their “viewpoint” why they think they shouldn’t vaccinate.  

I can’t understand the argument regarding wearing a mask. Is it uncomfortable to that extent? When a 45-year-old father is barely breathing while on a respirator because some selfish person decided her mask was a hassle and coughed near him, something is wrong. Here’s the reply she’ll give. “If masks are so helpful, his mask should have protected him!” Well here’s the deal. Masks aren’t that helpful. Therefore, if both parties are wearing one, it’s much safer for everyone.

Throughout our history, there have been groups of Jews that fought against the Rabbanim and everyone else because they felt that “they knew better”. Each time the consequences were horrible, and yet history keeps repeating itself. These people delude themselves into believing that they are acting properly and “L’shaim Shamayim. Unfortunately, all that they’re doing is misleading others and causing harm to other Jews.

In any case Yoni, here are the facts. There are people that don’t wear masks. They’ll openly brag about it as if they’re doing the public a favor. They’ll write about it, post it online, and tell anyone who’ll listen. They’ll give reasons ranging from health to religion. Ultimately, they’re telling you as I wrote earlier, “I’m a selfish person, and I’ll risk the lives of innocent people so I can get some desperately needed attention.” I can’t tell you that wearing a mask will save you or anyone else. Nevertheless, if there’s a .01% chance that my mask will save someone else, I’ll wear one.  I’m sure you will also.

Have a good Shabbos, YR
19 Comments

We've got to be careful!

8/6/2020

10 Comments

 
Dear Readers. It’s been 4 months since I’ve replied publicly to any of the hundreds of emails I receive weekly. This pandemic has really changed things around to say the least, and I have not been able to respond due to time constraints. (I must have been doing a great job by “not” responding, since I gained many subscribers during this time.) Nonetheless, something is happening that’s forcing me out of my “sabbatical” of sorts.

When this virus reared its ugly head, shuls all over the world had to shut their doors. As soon as we got the OK, backyard Minyanim popped up all over the world. I read an article that said “Mi Keamcha Yisrael! If Shuls aren’t open, we’ll still Daven with a Minyan!” It was amazing.

In some areas, Minyanim began Davening inside the Shuls months ago. In other places, it started up a few weeks ago. While most people are beginning to head back to Shuls, others are contemplating keeping their small minyanim going. There are a few reasons why.
  1. It’s convenient.
  2. It’s quicker.
  3. It’s safer.
I completely understand. I personally know of six such Minyanim, and it really is technically safer from a health perspective. It’s outdoors, everyone wears masks, and Davening moves along very quickly. There are no speeches, no schlepping, and no membership dues.

In case you’ve forgotten, I wrote an article a while back that generated a bit of controversy. Specifically, I wrote that perhaps Shabbos Davening was taking longer than it should in Shul. I strongly feel that children’s attention spans are shorter than ever, and if we want to give over a love of “Tefila BeTzibur” we need to do our part. There were many people that disagreed with me, but I still believe that we need to be a bit more understanding.

When this virus hit, I began giving nightly Shiurim to help children that weren’t in Yeshiva. Along with the learning, I sent home a weekly newsletter that had Diveri Torah, Jokes, and an article from the Yetzer Hara. Spoiler Alert. I write the articles for the Yetzer Hara. One of the articles jokingly said the following (from the perspective of the Yetzer Hara) “I hope that you continue to Daven at home. Backyard Minyanim aren’t as powerful as going to Shul.”

I was kidding. At least I thought I was. As it turns out, many people have told me that they’re not planning on going back to Shul once this pandemic ends. Why should they? The Minyanim are closer, faster, and more convenient. Basements are being upgraded and responsibilities are being assigned. In many neighborhoods, new friendships are being formed. Neighbors that never really met are joining together to create Minyanim, and it’s simply wonderful.

Or is it? There are a few things that should make you take a step back.

1) You will likely lose the connection you’ve had with your Rav. I can’t stress how important it is to have a Rav. I’m not talking about the Drasha. If there’s an issue at any time (personal or halachic), having a Rav that knows your family is crucial. There are so many reasons, but here’s one. When your kids start dating, the other side is going to ask, “Who is their Rav?” Saying “They don’t really have one” is a big warning sign. 

2) When there is an issue during Davening, you won’t know what to do. You’re in middle of Laining and there’s an issue with the Torah C”V. There are Halachos that clearly delineate what steps should be taken. You can’t just skip that Posuk. Being in a Shul with a Rav is the safe move. 

3) Lastly, your kids will suffer. I am well aware that many children are losing their “Gishmak” of going to Shul. Students of mine have told me that when they go to the local Minyamin, it’s not as “real”. I’m not sure what that means, but I’m hearing it from many children. If Shul isn’t an option yet, it’s understandable. However, once the Shuls open, we must get these kids back into Shul. 

The virus has hurt us in so many ways. It took many of our loved ones away. It hurt us financially. It took a mental toll on everyone. Let’s not let it affect our spirituality. Let’s make every effort to return to our Shuls as long as it’s safe.

Have a great Shabbos!
YR
10 Comments

Online Safety

3/5/2020

0 Comments

 

This is the last installment of the safety articles. Enjoy!

Over the past few weeks, we’ve been focusing on issues regarding the safety of our children and family. We began by discussing safety in the house and then focused on safety out of the house. This is the last week of safety discussions, and I’d like to discuss our children’s safety regarding the internet and similar technologies.
Some of the tips below might not seem to directly concern children, but the internet and social media are constantly changing. As parents, we need to adapt and stay “in the know.”
  1. Children are getting cellphones at very young ages. I recently saw a second-grader with his own iPhone. Ironically, parents are giving these phones in the name of safety, not realizing that the result is frequently the exact opposite. There are many studies being done nowadays to understand the correlation between having a cellphone and the variety of generational behavior concerns that have been occurring. Needless to say, it might not be such a great idea to give young children a phone. If you’re insistent on tracking your children every second, there are other options. There are gizmo watches, bracelets, and more.
  2. WhatsApp has become the “go to” for messaging and staying in touch. Did you know that it has some inappropriate groups? Many parents have gotten into the habit of checking their children’s chats but neglect to see if any are archived. If your child has WhatsApp, please monitor it religiously.
  3. Social media is a scary phenomenon that has become increasingly difficult to monitor. It used to be just Facebook and Instagram, but now it’s also Meetup, Qzone, WeChat, Viber, Snapchat, TikTok, and so many more. Did you recognize all of these? Probably not. Chances are that if your children are at all internet-savvy, they’ve heard of a few of these. Many of these apps delete the information after a short while. There is no simple solution, but it’s so important to communicate openly with your kids and to set guidelines.
  4. Many children want their own email address. It’s a mistake to keep pushing this off; a better idea is to help them set one up. Allow them time to check their e-mail once or twice a week (or more often, depending on the age and situation) and insist that you know the password. Explain that it’s for their protection, and you’re not planning on reading through all of their emails.
  5. Emails sometimes contain links. I’m sure you’ve all seen links, as they’re usually blue and say, “Click here.” Although most links are usually fine, many of them can take you to sites that look real but are in fact trying to steal your information. It’s called phishing. Although many browsers warn you, it’s still very tricky. You need to teach your kids never to click on links. Always type information directly into the address bar.
  6. If your child wants time to use the computer, even for schoolwork, it’s not a huge deal. You should have software that limits what they can access. Additionally, you should keep the computer in a central part of the house where others can walk by at any time.
  7. Phone scams are also prevalent. Frequently, seniors get tricked. I have a simple way to verify the legitimacy of any call. Whether it’s your bank, credit card company, or even the IRS, there’s a simple solution. Ask for a callback number. Any legitimate organization will have a callback number with an extension. When they give you a number, look it up online to verify if it matches the company name.
  8. We had it easier as children. We did things that weren’t so smart — but no one knew about it. Nowadays, everything your child does is likely being recorded or stored online somewhere. It’s difficult for children to understand this, and it’s frustrating for them as well. They still need to be taught that everything they write online, send via e-mail, post on social media, or even record as a short video, will always be available online and can likely be seen by anyone.
  9. The flipside of this is teaching our children personal boundaries and consideration of others. There was a boy in a beis midrash who was picking his nose, and one of the other boys surreptitiously took a picture with his phone. The picture ended up online and really embarrassed the boy. Teach your children not to take photos without permission. Explain that if someone sends something that can be hurtful or embarrassing to others, they should delete it. Certainly, forwarding it to others is both irresponsible and wrong.
  10. Many families have adopted a safe word that they’ve taught their children. One family used the word “spiral.” This word can be used in a few ways. One of them is a scenario in which someone is giving your child a ride. Your son might ask for a special word, and if the person doesn’t know it, he might wait for additional confirmation. Another scenario might be if your child calls from a friend’s house and says the word in a conversation. Something might be wrong. It might sound a bit crazy, but, then again, we live in a crazy world. Something to think about.
Have a great Shabbos!
​YR


0 Comments

Updated Purim Guide

2/27/2020

0 Comments

 

I skipped the last safety article so I can publish this Purim guide this week. Next week will be the last safety article. Sorry for any inconvenience.

Purim is around the corner, and once again I’m being inundated with the same questions I receive every year. Here are some of the more frequent questions and my updated answers.

Should we have a class “meetup” instead of going to individual friends?

I don’t think it’s a great idea for several reasons.
  1. The mitzvah is to give specific foods to one person or more, not to share candy.
  2. Yiddishkeit is not about convenience. Sure, if we can make something easier, we’ll go for it, but in this case it seems like we’re teaching kids to cut corners. Traffic might be frustrating, but the excitement of visiting and greeting friends creates wonderful memories for your children.
  3. If you’re worried about boys in the class being excluded, tell your children to pick two friends they want to include, and then ask them to include two less-popular children.
Is it OK for my teenage boys to drink with their rebbeim?

I answered this last year and received some horrible responses via email. Here was one of them (I’m not fixing the typos): “You are serisly deranged if you think you can destroy a minhag yisroel! Most rebbes don’t let the kids drink to much and it’s a part of the mitzvah. Stick to better topics like bedtime!”

Bedtime is certainly a safer topic, but I won’t ignore the question because drinking can be life-threatening. You need to have a serious conversation with any of your children who will be in this situation. Let them know that you don’t approve of their drinking out of the house without your supervision, and if they feel that they’re being pressured, they should call you.

It’s also a great idea to call the yeshiva and ask them what their policies are regarding students drinking. If their response is, “We let each rebbe make his own decision,” you might have a problem.

No one comes to my house on Purim and my son feels left out. What can I do?

This is something that his rebbe should be able to help with. Let the rebbe convince some of the boys to come to your house without making your son out to be a nebach. There are so many amazing rebbeim out there, and, baruch Hashem, they really know how to motivate the other boys to do the right thing.

Another idea is to let him pick boys in the class who would appreciate if he would come over. Frequently, boys who are left out want to give shalach manos to the popular boys. Try to convince him that it might be more enjoyable to go to real friends.

How important is it to visit my child’s rebbe or morah? He has no desire to go.

It’s very important. Furthermore, I’m sure you can make it more exciting for your child. Make a big deal out of it, and let your son know that it’s a huge mitzvah. Even if your child isn’t having an amazing year, you should still bring him. It also serves as a life lesson for your son — that it’s always important to do the right thing.
Have a freilichin Purim!
0 Comments

Safety Part II

2/20/2020

0 Comments

 
Last week, we discussed important safety information for your home. This week, we’re going to discuss safety out of the house. Many of the items we’ll discuss here are obvious; nonetheless, they bear repeating. As with last week’s article, please read carefully and take it seriously.
  1. Do any of your children have allergies? Make sure they have a bracelet, yarmulke, or something else that clearly identifies their allergy. If they need an EpiPen (or a junior), make sure they have one with them. If your child doesn’t have allergies, b’H, be sensitive to others. When you’re walking in a public place (like a supermarket), don’t let your child run around eating peanuts. Cross-contamination is a scary thing.
  2. I’ve written a few articles regarding the importance of vaccinations. I’ve been urged to retract, have had emails written about me, and I’ve even received some threatening letters. The thing is that I know information about vaccines, information that I can’t share publicly, that made my decision crystal-clear. Please vaccinate your children. If your unvaccinated child comes in contact with a very young child who can’t be vaccinated yet or one who is unable to be vaccinated, it can have devastating results.
  3. There is a mitzvah to teach your children to swim. However, I know of quite a few families with multiple children who have no clue how to tread water. Even if you don’t have a pool, there are plenty of places your children can learn. If you do have a pool, there are a lot of safety issues you need to keep in mind. Yes, it can happen to you. There are safeguards to implement, such as alarms that will go off if anything touches the water and others that will warn you if the pool gate is opened.
  4. Car seats are such a pain to install. Let’s face it — it’s usually the mothers who are frantically taking them in and out, and it’s often freezing or raining when it’s happening. How many mothers need to remove two car seats for carpool, and then they need to reinstall them the next morning? As someone who has done his fair share of putting them in, I can commiserate. If you’re leaving the car seat in your car indefinitely, there are local agencies that will assist in making sure the car seat is installed properly. If you need to keep moving it, please take a few minutes to learn how to make sure it is installed correctly. All it takes is one accident. I hate sounding so depressing, but did you know that the five-point harness can choke a child, chas v’shalom, if it’s not in the correct position? How about that long strap that one mother cut off because it was always dragging around? Yes, the one that connects to the back of the seat to keep it secured. Please don’t take this lightly.
  5. There is a poison that many people are aware of but don’t acknowledge how powerful it is. It’s called alcohol. Some parents give their children a few sips of wine at Kiddush, and it’s just enough to whet their appetites. As they grow older, they begin to experiment at the Kiddush in shul or at a simcha. All of a sudden, your little tatteleh begins to change. Mood swings, behavioral issues, problems in school. Any or all of the above can be a warning sign. Please talk to your older children about the dangers of alcohol.
  6. I’ve never fully understood this, but there’s something liberating about walking on the street instead of the sidewalk on Shabbos. It’s really not a great idea, and it’s frustrating to the non-Jews who are driving. Many cars are very quiet now, so you won’t notice them until they’re right behind you. In any case, try staying on the sidewalk whenever possible. Also, at night it becomes very hard to see people walking. Dark-colored suits make it even more challenging to be seen. Many communities now offer free reflective strips, and you should avail yourself of them. Even if you need to buy a few, it’s a very worthwhile investment.
  7. Many parents have begun giving their children watches or other items that contain GPS trackers. There are many benefits to modern technology, and it seems that this is one of them. It seems a bit unnecessary in most cases, and it might be a distraction in school. However, if your child has a very long bus ride or has certain special needs, it might be worth it.
  8. With the advent of cellphones, many children learned how to push a button or ask Siri in order to call their parents. I know many boys who are already in third grade who don’t know their parents’ phone numbers or even their home address. Make sure that all of your children memorize these important pieces of information.
  9. Many years ago, crossing the street was something that was taught. I’ve noticed that kids lost their fear of the road. When driving down Central Avenue, I’ll see a gaggle of third-graders run across the road, completely oblivious to the fact that there are cars approaching. Please make sure your children know to cross at a crosswalk or a light. A good rule is that if you have to run to make it across, it’s not worth it.
  10. Last, but certainly not least — school buses. Many states have a law requiring cars to stop when the red lights of the school bus are flashing. Inexplicably, children now run in front of the bus without even looking. Please ensure that your children wait a second to make sure that no cars are impatiently driving around the bus. If you’re in the car following a bus that is stopping every block to pick up or let off more children, take a deep breath. Pretend your child is on the bus. Don’t do something you might regret for the rest of your life.
The last installment of safety tips, called “Online Safety,” will be posted next week, IY’H. Thank you for all your wonderful ideas and feedback. I apologize that I haven’t been allowing comments on the blog; I need to come up with a better way of approving them as it’s currently extremely time-consuming.
 
0 Comments

Safety Part I

2/13/2020

1 Comment

 
Baruch Hashem, this parenting blog has grown by leaps and bounds. We have been picked up by many fantastic newspapers, and the number of online subscribers we have is growing every day. I feel that it is time to share an important article with everyone, one that I’ve been working on for quite some time.
I remember hearing an amazing thought from Rabbi Yehoshua Kalish about 28 years ago. He told our class that when people are speeding while driving on a highway, they are always on the lookout for police officers. If while driving they pass a motorist who has been pulled over, they slow down instinctively. After a while, they pick up speed again — and that’s where the next officer is waiting.
The police department understands that you’ll be driving slowly once you pass the first officer, and they space the patrol cars accordingly. I pointed out that the smart move would be to speed up when someone else is pulled over. Rabbi Kalish chuckled. Obviously, I’m not condoning speeding. My point is that after an event has passed, we tend to become more complacent.
In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, people were lining up to buy home generators. After a few months, however, the demand dropped. It doesn’t mean that everyone already installed one. On the contrary, many people who really needed them simply forgot how serious the need was.
When it comes to our children’s safety, we are always so careful. When a tragedy occurs, we make all these resolutions about how cautious we’re going to be. Then we procrastinate. Other things come up that are important. We don’t have the time or patience to deal with it. I’m here to remind you. I’m begging everyone to please read all parts of this article. The first part deals with safety at in your house. I suggest signing up at yidparenting.com for e-mails on other safety tips.
Part I: Your Home
(1)      Every bedroom should have a functioning smoke detector. Building codes require that they be interconnected, but many older homes don’t have this. It’s not that expensive, and you can even have them connect wirelessly these days. Make sure that every floor and every bedroom has a working detector. They need to be installed properly, so please go online to verify where in the rooms they should be placed. Replace the batteries once every year. Lives depend on this. Bedrooms that are on a second or third floor should have an emergency ladder kept under a bed or in a closet. Anyone in the room should be taught how to use it.
(2)      Your family should have an emergency plan and location. You should all understand that if there is a fire, chas v’shalom, you will meet up at the same point. You don’t want the firemen to rush into a burning house looking for someone who escaped and is in the backyard.
(3)      You must make sure your home insurance is up to date and set up properly. In the afternoon, I work as a public adjuster, which means I help families deal with insurance after a fire, flood, or burglary. I have seen countless families suffer very serious financial hardships because they were underinsured or improperly insured. You can ask around if you’re not sure, or you can contact me for a list of brokers in your area.
(4)      Every floor should have a carbon monoxide detector. It should be installed five feet from the ground, and near every sleeping area in the house. It doesn’t need to be in every bedroom. Carbon monoxide is very scary since it’s silent and has no smell. Typical symptoms of CO poisoning can include headaches, nausea, blurry vision, and more.
(5)      All windows should have bars on them. A screen is useless if a child decides to go exploring. All windows should also have strong locks.
(6)      You should have Hatzalah’s phone number on each phone (and saved in your cellphone). It’s also a good idea to have the number to your local fire department. Calling 911 works, but calling the department directly can save seconds.
(7)      It’s a good idea to take a picture of all important documents and make sure they’re stored in the cloud (Dropbox, OneDrive, etc.). Documents can include birth certificates, passports, driver’s licenses, insurance cards, and the back of your credit cards in case you need to cancel them. Small fireproof and waterproof safes aren’t expensive and can save you a lot of aggravation if there is an incident, chas v’shalom.
(8)      Make sure all medications are kept out of sight and out of reach. Never refer to medicine as candy and consider child-proofing the medicine cabinet. Finish all doses and dispose of any medications that are expired. Keep the number to poison control on a sticker in the cabinet.
(9)      An alarm system is important and can get you a nice insurance discount also. There are many different types available, although you need to make sure that it won’t cause an issue on Shabbos. Installing security cameras has also become very cost-effective, and it’s an excellent deterrent.
(10)    Make sure all doorways that require a mezuzah have one, and check them once a year.
Stay safe!
Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a well-known rebbe and parenting adviser. To sign up for the weekly emails and read the comments, visit YidParenting.com.
1 Comment

Girls and the Daf

2/6/2020

 
Question:
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now, and my wife and I are very impressed. This question is not going to make you a lot of friends. After the Siyum HaShas last month, my 13-year-old daughter decided she wants to learn daf yomi. She has been feeling very left out over the past few years, as having three older brothers isn’t always easy. She is constantly telling us that boys have all the fun. We’re usually careful about making sure that she acts like a bas Torah, but our gut is telling us to tread carefully. What do you think? Shira.

Thanks for writing in. Your question really is a tough one, and you’re correct in assuming that people will not be happy with my response — no matter what I write. I wouldn’t have responded to this email if not for the fact that I’ve received similar questions over the past few weeks. I spoke with a few rabbanim about this and got varying responses. Some rabbanim thought it was a great idea and proved it with various sources. Other rabbanim were vehemently opposed to it and brought proofs of their own.

Last week I responded to a similar question, but about a boy. I received many responses via email, some upset that I thought it was OK for the boy to learn the daf, and others upset that I didn’t support it enough. Add in the halachic aspect to this particular question of a girl learning the daf, and the response is all but guaranteed to rock the proverbial boat.

So your daughter wants to learn the daf because why should only boys and men get to learn the daf? One of the many challenges we face these days is convincing our girls how important they are to our future. It’s easy to tell your daughter, “You’re wrong! Girls have a huge part in Yiddishkeit!” I don’t think you’re accomplishing anything except teaching her that you don’t understand her feelings. While that response might have worked 100 years ago, it won’t work now. If that was what you wanted to tell her, you probably shouldn’t even have the discussion with her.

As a general rule, dismissing the emotions of children is a surefire way to lose your connection with them. This applies even if their emotions are silly. If your seven-year-old son is crying and saying, “You don’t love me!” you can’t walk away and say, “You’re being ridiculous!” He might be acting ridiculous, but you still can’t discount his emotions. Give him a hug and tell him, “Even if you’re sad, you should know that I always will love you!” Or you can do what my father did. When I was eight years old and crying on my bed for some random reason, my father asked me, “Why are you crying?” I responded, “Because you don’t love me!” My father replied, “If I don’t love you, why am I up here talking with you?” “’Cuz you love me,” was my intelligent response.

Even if a child is wrong, you still need to validate him or her.

A few parents asked me why rabbanim don’t address this issue of women feeling “left out.” The answer is simple. This issue is one that needs to be resolved case by case. It’s not that rabbanim aren’t acknowledging the problem — it’s that each situation is unique. One girl I know wants to sing for a talent show (which might be listened to by men) while a different girl wants to be able to dance with a Torah on Simchas Torah (on the women’s side). Each situation needs to be dealt with properly, and there is no “one size fits all” response.

Getting back to your original question, what is her goal in learning the daf? I’ve come up with three possible options.
  1. To prove that she is as capable as her brothers
  2. She wants to learn the daf
  3. As bragging rights to her friends
The first two reasons fall under the same category, for all intents and purposes. If your daughter wants to learn the daf, and that will keep her happy, I understand it. I do think you should ask your own rav to make sure he thinks it’s O.K. The only condition should be that she doesn’t make a big deal out of it. Explain to her that if she’s learning the daf because she wants to learn or even to prove she can, there is no need to discuss it with others.

On the other hand, if she is doing this to brag to her friends, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Not only is it likely she will stop learning soon after, but she’ll probably want to do something else to show off to her friends. You might think that even though her intentions aren’t good (lo l’Shmah), it still might lead to the proper intentions, but that doesn’t apply in a case like this. Explain to her that while you understand that she wants to prove to her friends she can learn the daf, it’s not the proper thing to do.
​
Certainly, if she is learning the daf, you should review last week’s article. The same guidelines that apply to that young boy hold true for her. Her grades should stay consistent, and she should take the daf seriously.

Have a good Shabbos!

YR

PS - Due to the nature of this week's column, I will not be allowing comments.  Feel free to send me an e-mail with your thoughts using the contact page. 

Doing the Daf

1/30/2020

4 Comments

 
Dear Rabbi Ross. My children were fascinated at the attention that the Siyum Hashas garnered. They were inspired as well, and my 7th grader who we’ll call Avi, decided he wants to “Do the Daf”. He doesn’t have great grades and I’m worried that the extra pressure is going to cause his grades to dip even lower. My husband is worried about something else entirely. He feels that our son will stop after a few months and doing the Daf should be a commitment. He feels that stopping shortly after will be teaching him the wrong lesson. On the other hand, it’s learning Torah. Isn’t this a good thing? What should we tell him? Please guide us so we don’t make a mistake.

Learning Daf Yomi is not a good thing. It’s a great thing. I’m not Chas V’Shalom taking away from your question, but that’s the beautiful thing about the Daf; it’s a unifier. There are Chassidim, Modern Orthodox, Yeshivish, Israeli and so many other types of Yiddin joining for this amazing initiative. The fact that your son was inspired is fantastic. Nevertheless, you and your husband both have understandable concerns, so let’s address them individually.

You’re worried that doing the Daf will cause your son’s grades to get worse, and you might be right. The real question is, what is the goal of Hebrew studies in 7th grade? If it’s to learn Torah, that’s exactly what the Daf is all about. If it’s to gain skills, then learning the Daf won’t help that much.

It seems that the prudent decision regarding your fears would be to set up some guidelines. These should be based on what you expect from him based on previous performance. If he’s a straight “B” student, he has to continue to get a “B” average. It’s unfair to expect him to maintain a higher average, since he’s doing something that’s ultimately beneficial.  If a child wants a reward of some sort, it makes sense to push for higher grades. In this case, I think it’s a bad idea.

Your husband’s concern is also very valid. Children learn in many ways, and if they don’t follow through on their commitments, it can have negative ramifications. That being said, there are many variables here that we’re missing. First of all, even if he wants to stop learning after the first Mesechta, that means he’s making a Siyum on Mesechtas Brachos. Not too shabby!

Second of all, if it is getting too difficult, he can simply slow down. He can start doing an Amud a day instead of a Daf. Alternatively, he can listen to a Shiur about the Daf instead of actually doing it inside. In other words, he doesn’t need to quit. Lastly, he doesn’t need to make this into a commitment. He can start doing the Daf for 2 weeks and see how he is feeling afterward. This isn’t necessarily a seven-year commitment.

The one thing you neglected to mention in your e-mail, is how proud you must be of him. He’s a 7th-grade boy, and he was inspired to do something. One of the biggest issues I’m finding with this generation, is lack of a drive. Perhaps I’m a “Boomer” but I love when kids have that inner drive to succeed. Your son wants to act in a positive way, and you should be encouraging this behavior.

Here’s what I would say to your son. “Avi. We’re so proud of you that you want to join with thousands of other Yidden to learn Daf Yomi. It’s a sign of maturity that you want to be involved, and we are behind you 100%. There are a few things that we need to tell you before you begin. Although we’re super impressed that you want to do the Daf, we know that it requires time and focus. You’re still in Yeshiva, and we can’t let your grades suffer for any reason. Therefore, as long as your grades are consistent, we’ll continue to encourage you to keep up with the Daf. If, however, your grades start to slip, we’re going to ask you to put the Daf on hold until you can get back on track.

We also want you to realize that even if you only learn one Daf, we’ll be super proud of you. You’re not competing against anybody, because we’re all on the same team. If you feel that you want to stop at any time, there’s no shame in it. You can always start up again. No matter how much you do, we are so happy that you’re pushing yourself, and we’re very confident that you’ll complete Shas many times in your life.”

I would like to tell you one more thing. You seem awfully worried about making mistakes with your children. There’s nothing wrong with making mistakes as long as you learn from them. Children are a lot more resilient than we think. I’ve seen parents make really big mistakes, but if they are more careful in the future, there won’t necessarily be repercussions. If letting your child learn the Daf is a mistake, it’s a great mistake to make.

Have a good Shabbos.

​PS – Next week, I’ll be answering a similar question – this time regarding an 8th grade girl. 

4 Comments

Tough Call...

1/17/2020

3 Comments

 
I’ve been grappling with the decision of letting you respond publicly to this question for many months. On the one hand, I’m scared my son will read this question and know it’s me, on the other hand, I feel that many other parents have the same problem. I’m going to ask you to reply publicly and hope that others will gain from your reply. I’ll keep this question simple. Some of my kids are brighter than others. The Rebbeim of the smarter ones constantly compliment them and the other ones are hurting. They don’t say it, but I know it. What can I do? Anonymous – Queens.
 
I would like to begin by pointing out something. You are a fantastic mother. Any parent that recognizes and feels their children’s emotions is doing a great job.  The scenario you described is a common one, and unfortunately, many parents seem oblivious to the hurt they are causing to their other children. It’s not only the Rebbeim that compliment them, but it’s also teachers, neighbors, and even the parents themselves.
 
As someone who’s spoken to the “other” children, I can assure you that the pain is real. Here’s how a fourteen-year-old (With a twelve-year-old brother that’s amazing) described it to me a few weeks ago.  “My first emotion is always anger. Why is he a better student? Why can’t anyone recognize that I’m trying also? My second emotion is jealousy. I wish I was that smart. I want the life he has. The last emotion is always depression. I feel like a horrible person and brother. Why can’t I just be happy for him.”
 
I asked this question to an older and experienced Rebbe many years ago. His advice was “Tell the weaker child(ren) that Hashem has a plan, and we are all a part of it. Their sibling might have one responsibility and they have another.” I walked away with a special insight that day which was as follows. Being an older and experienced Rebbe doesn’t mean you always have the right answers.
 
His answer wasn’t wrong. It was just completely useless. Of course, Hashem has a master plan. That’s not going to help a teenage boy who’s watching a sibling excel while he’s struggling. If we’re looking at the questions from a completely altruistic perspective, then yes, we should tell him Hashem has a plan. Realistically speaking, this will give him a lot more questions than answers.
 
Let’s try and analyze what the proper approach is. It seems that there is only one way to deal with this, and that is to build up your son(s). Certainly, telling him that his siblings “aren’t that great” is a big mistake. Parenting is about positive reinforcement, and if you start putting other people down, even for a good reason, it’s very hard to stop.
 
Here are some ideas that you can try. There is no shame in asking for help, so if these ideas don’t work, it’s probably a good idea to enlist the help of a professional. To help keep these tips simple, I’m calling the stronger sibling “Child two” and the weaker sibling “Child one”.
 
Every child has a skill they excel in. It could be drawing, chess, sports, puzzles or even swimming. It’s the job of a parent to find that skill set and help them shine. If child one’s younger brother is a better student and athlete, find what he is good at. For argument’s sake, let’s pretend the child one is better at cooking. Have him help you prepare Shabbos and make a huge deal about it. When he walks into the kitchen and you’re on the phone, pretend you didn’t see him and say, “And he cooked everything for Shabbos, and it was delicious!” You can’t imagine how happy he will be.
 
You and your husband should have someone on one time with child one. Validate his emotions and let him know that he’s an amazing son and brother. Make the night about him. Discuss summer plans, career goals and anything else. Let him understand that he’s super important to you. You know it and he knows it. He just needs to hear it sometimes.
 
Involve his Rebbeim and his teachers. Most educators would love to help a child in need. Explain the need for discretion and ask them to build up his esteem. Make sure they understand to never make comments like “What can’t you be more like your brother?” I’ve unfortunately heard of teachers using this information the wrong way. “Now I understand why you are jealous of your brother! At least he doesn’t talk during class!” Obviously, that would be a huge mistake with horrible consequences.  If you feel that specific Rebbe or teacher isn’t capable of helping you or can’t be trusted with this sensitive information, trust your gut.
 
When the family is together, for example, supper, Shabbos, or any other occasion, keep the conversation steered away from anything that can cause anyone to become uncomfortable.  If school or anything extracurricular is brought up, don’t change the subject immediately. That only means you have something to hide. Rather, respond appropriately, give credit where it’s due, and then change the subject.
 
You must always keep in mind that child two also needs some attention. Just getting it from others isn’t enough, and he’d love to hear it from you also. Of you think he’s mature enough, you can tell him that you don’t make a huge issue of his accomplishments because you’re worried about Ayin Hara.

I was involved with a family that was dealing with a similar issue almost twenty years ago, and both parents felt it wasn’t a big issue. I distinctly remember the father telling me “It’s ok. He’ll deal with it, and he’ll become stronger.” Suffice it to say, they don’t have many family reunions. I’m not saying that you need to always make a huge issue out of this, but certainly, it behooves all parents to ensure that all of their children feel successful.
​
Wishing you a good Shabbos,
YR
3 Comments

The Bully!

1/9/2020

4 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. Our son is getting bullied. He’s in 3rd grade and is being mercilessly picked on during the bus ride to and from Yeshiva and possibly in Yeshiva also. We verified this information with other boys in the class.  We spoke with him and asked him to change his seat and sit with the younger boys to stay away from the other boy, but it hasn’t helped. The Yeshiva called them both in and tried to work out the issues, but it made things worse. He is fighting us every day about going to Yeshiva, and although we keep telling him it’ll be fine, we’re really at wits end. What should we do? Names Redacted

I’m completely baffled. It seems that all the wrong decisions are being made.

1) You asked your son to change his seat to sit with younger kids? That’s such an embarrassing thing for a child to do. The reason that kids say “I’m 7 ¾ - almost 8, is because age is a serious status symbol in their eyes. Asking a child to sit with younger kids will likely get him bullied more. Besides, why should he change his seat if he’s not doing anything wrong? 

2) The Yeshiva called them both in? Has that ever worked? I have been to many courses that discuss bullying and proper tactics. I’m pretty sure that calling both parties in makes things much worse. 

3)  How are you telling him that everything is fine? It’s not true! He’s terrified to go to Yeshiva, and you’re forcing him into a situation that will make him miserable. To top it off, you’re telling him it’s going to be fine?

I’m sorry if this response seems forceful, but I’m quite agitated. These poor decisions can have horrible ramifications and can affect your son for many years. I’m going to share a story with you that I rarely tell over. Before you read this story, please understand that I was a very young Rebbe, and I’m not condoning my judgment.

I had just turned 20 years old, and I was the Rebbe of twenty-five very rambunctious 7th grade boys. One of the smaller boys in the class (We’ll call him Eli) came to me and told me that one of the bigger boys (We’ll call him Yoni) was not only starting up, but actually pushed him around and was taking his snack. Apparently, this issue had been going on for a few years.

My suggestion to him was as follows. The next time he comes over to you and pushes you or is physical in any way, punch him as hard as possible. I also taught him how to make a fist. The next day (it was during Chanukah) during English, Yoni came over to Eli in front of a few other boys and shoved him very hard. He promptly stood up and punched the other boy in the face and fractured his nose. (I want to reiterate that violence should never be the first response!) Needless to say, Yoni’s parents were less than pleased with me, and I didn’t receive a “Thank you” Chanukah gift from them.

I was told off by the administration, and even Eli’s parents were unhappy. His mother told me “I can’t believe a Rebbe would tell a boy to punch someone. Is that the message we want to send?” I wasn’t feeling very proud of myself. Until Eli came over to me a few weeks later with a private letter. He wrote “Thank you for your great advice. Yoni doesn’t ever bother me anymore, and the other boys seem to respect me a lot more. I’m sorry if my mom yelled at you.”

“Eli” is now an outstanding member of the community, and we keep in touch. Was my advice wrong? I’m still not sure. Granted, he probably shouldn’t have punched him in the nose, but he was defending himself. He also ended up a lot happier and his grades picked up.

I’m not telling you that your son should start punching other boys. I’m merely saying that you’re not giving your son the help and confidence he needs, and it will come back to bite you.

The bullying must stop immediately. You need to drive your son to Yeshiva tomorrow and insist that the principal and school psychologist meet with you immediately. Here are your goals for the meeting.

First of all, this bully should not be allowed on the bus. It’s simple. Most schools have some sort of system in place to ensure that boys that misbehave aren’t allowed on the bus. If the boy’s parents complain that there was no warning, they’re right. They should have been contacted by the school the first time there was an incident. It doesn’t matter. Bullying a child must have an immediate consequence.

Second of all, you owe your son an apology. You should have taken this much more seriously the first time. You forced him into an uncomfortable and frankly terrifying situation. Let him know that you’re making his safety your priority, and you won’t rest until the situation is resolved.

Lastly, let your son take karate lessons. This isn’t only so he should learn how to defend himself, rather it’ll help him develop the confidence required to stick up for himself. Below are some other tips you and the Yeshiva can utilize to help prevent bullying.

  • Explain to your son that he can and should stand up for himself.
  • Set up some playdates with other boys in the class – preferably from the same bus. Encourage these boys (or have their parents tell them) to help stick up for your son if there is an incident.
  • If your son ever tells you he was bullied or picked on, stop what you’re doing and listen. Validate him.
  • Have the Yeshiva hire an expert to discuss bullying with their staff and with the class. Let them know how to react when there is an issue.
  • Look out for any other cues that something is wrong. Is he moodier than usual? Is he having issues sleeping or eating? Has he picked up some unusual tics including biting nails, picking his skin, pulling his hair, stuttering, or anything of the sort?
I just want to clarify one important thing. If a child makes fun of or teases your child, that’s not called bullying. Sometimes in life people do the wrong thing, and it doesn’t always require a reaction. The line between teasing and bullying can be blurry at times, but you have to use your judgment. If the teasing is repetitive or causing your child undue amounts of stress, it’s crossed the line.
​
Have a good Shabbos!
YR
4 Comments

Anti-Semitism and kids

1/3/2020

1 Comment

 
Rabbi Ross. With all the anti-Semitic incidents occurring all around us, our children ages 5,8 and 12 are becoming very apprehensive. My husband and I have noticed some odd changes in their personalities, and we are worried that they are going to start having panic attacks. At what point do we get them professional help, or is this normal? Should we tell them everything is fine, or should we let them understand that there are bad people out there. We’re both trying to stay calm about this. Please help us understand our kids. Thank you very much. Shayna and Max.

I recall answering a similar question a few years ago, but I certainly agree that we need to address some newer issues. This reply assumes that your child does not personally know any of the victims. In the event of a personal tragedy, Chas V’Shalom, you should speak to a licensed therapist immediately.

I know we believe that our children understand everything, but the fact is they don’t have the same grasp of these situations as us. In most cases, they don’t give this information a second thought, and only get nervous if their parents are nervous.

On the flip side, the graphic images and practically instant online access of current events certainly make things more challenging. Whether we like it or not, our kids are definitely being exposed to far more traumatic experiences and images than we ever were, and we do need to be careful. With the increase in anti-Semitic attacks, Jewish children all over the world are feeling the stress.

Additionally, even if you minimize your child’s access, he will most definitely hear about these things from a child whose parents are more open.  We even have drills in most schools to be vigilant. There are active shooter drills, bomb drills, and kidnapping drills. Your child is instructed to hide in corners and stay low. This can also have an effect on your child’s mental health, and he can start developing anxiety as a result. After any event, for example the recent attack in Monsey, there is increased awareness everywhere. While this is a smart move, it’s still another point of stress for a child.

It seems from your e-mail that you are both somewhat stressed also. I can assure you that if you’re both worried, I’m sure therefore, your children are worried as well. It seems that you should both (parents) speak to a therapist who can properly guide both of you. After speaking to this therapist, he or she will advise you regarding you children.

In general, when discussing serious events with children, I suggest reading the tips below. Some may work better than others.

1) I always recommend the “tag team” method of talking. One parent speaks to the child while the other sits in the room, seemingly preoccupied.  If the parent who’s talking needs help, the other one can take over. Having two adults talk to one child about something simultaneously makes it seem very serious.
2) Ignoring questions is not a good idea. They won’t forget, and it can literally come back to haunt them.
Tell the truth but omit any details that are not age appropriate. Using words like “death”, “kill”, “murder”, etc., is not advisable
3) Always reassure your children that they are safe and protected.
4) Children can be very different. Some might ask you for information or details, while others may not care. As a result, these conversations might be better off with one child at a time.
5) After a traumatic event, it can take a while for a child to return to normal. If you feel that your child is fixating on a negative event, don’t dismiss it. There are plenty of qualified mental health specialists that can help nip these issues in the bud. Waiting for the issue to resolve itself isn’t a good idea.
6) If your child doesn’t seem to have any negative reactions to a traumatic event, you don’t need to get nervous. There are some kids that are either too immature to care or are very easygoing.
7) If you notice any mood changes in your child and he/she is developing odd fears (school, bedtime, public places), contact a mental health professional.
8) If your child is constantly coming home with disturbing information, find out the source and contact the parents. It always worries me when a child is sharing scary information all the time, and his parents should be made aware.
9) One of the best ways to fight violence and hate, is love. These days, more than ever, you need to remind your kids constantly how much you love them. They might say, “I know you love me”, but it is always worth repeating.
10) I recently read that a Rebbe told his class “Hashem will always protect you!” While that’s a wonderful thought, it’s a dangerous thing to tell children. Yes, Hashem is always by our side, but if something traumatic does Chas V’Shalom happen, you’ll have some very confused children. A better comment would seem to be, “Hashem loves us, and it’s important that we always Daven for the safety of Klal Yisrael. When Moshiach comes, we won’t have to ever worry about these events.”

Hatzlacha and Good Shabbos!
YR
1 Comment

Time to Track?

12/20/2019

5 Comments

 
Hi Rabbi Ross. My wife and I are a bit confused because our son is being tracked in middle school. The Yeshiva puts boys in 6th grade into one of two classes, one of them stronger and one of them weaker. Until 6th grade, the classes are pretty much even. Our son was put in the weaker class even though we think he’s a strong learner, and the Yeshiva said there were specific reasons. We’re monitoring this situation, and it seems that they’re not learning as much and rather spend more time doing Chesed and other Mitzvos. Are we right for being aggravated? Do you have any advice? M.G. Brooklyn

Tracking children is a huge discussion, and it’s not only limited to Jewish children. Should stronger children be pushed harder? There are so many variables that it’s difficult to answer a question like this. Nevertheless, you asked for my opinion, so I’ll share it with you. Please keep in mind that there are MANY Yeshivos and Mechanchim that strongly disagree with me.

Before sharing my thoughts, I want to clarify one important point. This response will tackle the issue of tracking students based on their learning. I’m not discussing behavioral concerns in this article. Although the behavior of a student is typically factored into tracking decision, nevertheless we’re going to focus strictly on the level of learning.

For arguments sake, let’s pretend that there is a Yeshiva where the students are being tracked after 5th grade, and there are 3 classes per grade. Assuming each class has 24 students, you’ll have 3 types of children. There will be children at the top, children in the middle and children that aren’t as strong in learning. Let’s see how each group is functioning in 5th grade before they’re tracked.

The strongest students might be a bit bored. They know the learning very well and understand it after hearing it one time. Many Rebbeim and teachers are on top of this and give these kids advanced extra credit to keep them occupied. The middle children are working hard and accomplishing. They look up to the top kids, and really push themselves to succeed. Even the kids that can’t keep up with the class gain in many ways. They’re surrounded by well-behaved and mature kids in a structured environment.

Here’s a case in point. A few years ago, one of the weakest students I’ve ever taught was on cloud nine during our Siyum on Mishnayos Brachos. “We finished it!” he was telling everyone. Did he understand the learning? Probably not. But he was a part of something amazing. All the students in the class are supposed to be involved at some level. Maybe they aren’t learning as much since it’s geared towards a stronger student, but, at least they’re in a mainstream class. The boys are cohesive and work together. They might not be gaining skills, but they feel like a part of something special.

Now, that last sentence was scary. How is it ok if they’re not gaining skills? In order to answer that, we need to try and understand the goal of Yeshiva. It seems to me that there are three primary goals. I am not listing them in any particular order.
  1. Learn Torah
  2. Gain skills
  3. Develop confidence and feel accomplished.
Which of those three is the most important?

It’s a difficult question to answer. The reason we send our kids to a Yeshiva, is to learn Torah. Even if the kids are not gaining skills, there’s a Mitzvah to learn Torah. I personally believe that even if the child doesn’t look like he’s gaining when learning Torah, it’s seeping in. Now, if the student in question is so weak that he’s not learning anything, obviously he either needs to be pulled out for one on one, or possibly switch to a Yeshiva more geared to his level.

Gaining skills? That’s so important. Without skills, it’s so difficult for kids to grow. The famous line is “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” If we give our precious children skills, they will have the ability to learn on their own as they grow older. There’s no denying skills are crucial. The question that needs answering is, if a student isn’t gaining skills, should he be removed from the class? If he’s just sitting and listening, and not getting great grades, is that enough? Are we helping or hurting a child like this?

That brings us to the last goal, which is helping kids develop confidence and feel accomplished. Personally, I think this is the most important of the three. I have seen the excitement with kids that aren’t amongst the stronger ones. I have watched them learn things that I never thought they would. Most importantly, I have observed these “weaker” students look up to, and yes, even respect the stronger students. They become their role models.

Then they get tracked. Now, this happens in many Yeshivos. There is a top class, and a medium class, and a weaker class. The smarter Yeshivos have an advanced class, and the other classes are equal, which ensures that there are no “weak” classes. Here’s where the problems begin in my opinion.

I’ve always felt that every class has similar personalities. There are the top students that strive to succeed. There are the super sensitive ones, the immature ones, and the weak ones and a few others. Sometimes you’ll have a fun mix of a strong and sensitive student, and other times you’ll have a weak and immature student. In the past 23 years, I’ve always had a random mixture. Some classes are stronger, and some are more mature. No matter what, each class in unique and diverse, yet somewhat predictable.

Once these students are tracked, you have a strong class with 24 “Top” kids. I don’t think this works. Indubitably, some of them are going to sink. These students that are sinking would’ve been top kids in a typical class, but when they’re surrounded with other top students, they begin to sink. To be fair, I haven’t done any official studies on this, but I have met with many students that were put in this situation from many different schools. Their parents always bring them to me and say “I don’t know why he’s having issues! He’s always been a top kid!”

The lower tracks have more serious problems. Even if they have a dynamite Rebbe or teacher, it’s very hard to convince a class that they’re a wonderful group, when they’re already, at the very least, in second place. Now, the Rebbe has a class of kids that aren’t as strong in learning. What’s the easy solution? Make the year fun!

*Warning* I’m generalizing.

Here’s where it gets interesting. The Rebbe, (who’s an amazing Rebbe), has to convince these kids that they’re awesome. The funny thing is, they ARE awesome. The issue is, in order to make the kids happier, they spend time in class doing exciting things. Playing games. Watching Jewish videos. Hearing stories. How much time is spent learning? Wasn’t the reason we tracked them so that the weaker students have a chance to shine? If the point is to give them a stronger foundation, we might be failing miserably.

Therefore, if some of the advanced kids aren’t doing as well as they should, and the medium and weaker students aren’t gaining skills, why are we doing this?

Here are a few thoughts.

A) Many people would respond that the strong students should learn on a higher level. That’s true. However, there’s no reason that they can’t have an accelerated session once a day. It doesn’t have to be a class. Any boys that have for example an average higher than 95%, can join.

B) To those that think that I’m generalizing, well I am. However, I speak to many children and parents, and I think I’ve encapsulated what they tell me. Are there exceptions? I’m sure there are. I still think it’s not worth it.

C) Yes, your son is in a lower track and his Rebbe is amazing. I’m not Chas V’Shalom insulting any Rebbeim. It’s the opposite. I think this Rebbe will do accomplish more with a diverse class. Let all the kids feel like they are the best. I used to teach a 7th grade lower track for many years. Rabbi Herzberg zt’l told me on day one, “If you learn with them, they will respond”. I learned and they responded.

D) One last thought. I understand that this isn’t a topic that can be debated on an online blog (or in a newspaper for that matter). It’s been discussed by many people, and I’m sure that it will be debated for many more years.

To answer your original question, yes, you should be aggravated. I agree that you’re sending him to succeed in his learning. You should insist that your son be put in the advanced Shiur and arrange for someone to help him catch up to the class.
​
Have a good Shabbos,
YR
5 Comments

Time to shout?

12/13/2019

0 Comments

 
Hi Rabbi Ross. My question is regarding screaming. More often than not, I find myself raising my voice when dealing with the kids, and I’ve noticed that my husband does the same. MY parents screamed at me all the time, and as many issues I think I’ve had, the fact remains that I’m just an average Jewish mother. My husband feels we should try cutting back on the yelling, but yelling works. Otherwise they don’t listen. What do you think?

Yelling is certainly popular.  It also seems to work well, otherwise, as you pointed out so eloquently, parents wouldn’t keep doing it. Here are the questions we need to ask.
  1. Why do parents yell?
  2. How does yelling affect our children?
To answer the first question, I’m going to give a short music lesson. When you play a basic chord on a piano, there are three keys being pressed. For example, if you’re playing a C Major, you’d press a C, E and G. It doesn’t matter where on the piano you press those keys, they combine to create a C Major chord. However, the key that’s pressed on the highest note is the one that’s heard the loudest. The highest or loudest note is always the prominent one.

The same holds true when people are in a noisy situation. The loudest voice is the one that’s heard. In a classroom setting, a good Rebbe or teacher will talk quietly and as a result the class will quiet down to hear what’s being spoken. When dealing with children in an uncontrolled environment, even in your own home, the loudest voice prevails.

So, yes. Parents yell. Nonetheless, I would like to make a distinction between a few different types of yelling.

  1. When parents use a stern or strict “outside” voice to show how serious they are about something.
  2. When parents yell because they’re upset, and they feel they aren’t being taken seriously.
  3. When parents just lose it. Unfortunately, in some cases this is accompanied by smacking or some form of physical contact. In most cases, the parent is yelling and is completely out of control.
So, how does yelling affect our children? Well, I’m sure we’re all guilty of the first type of yelling. There are instances that require a bit of a raised voice, and it’s ok to show a child that you’re upset about something occasionally. If you are raising your voice, you can say “I don’t like to use an upset voice, but you aren’t listening properly to what I’m telling you!” If you’re constantly using this “outside” voice, you need to rethink your parenting strategies. When your kids hear your voice being raised, it should be scary to them. If it’s typical, something needs to change.

The second type of yelling isn’t so helpful. It might help you release some stress, but it does more harm than good. Your kids know you’re angry, and you’re basically telling them “When a person gets angry, it’s ok to yell at others.” Sure, they’ll probably listen to you. You might even get the respect you are looking for. It’s just that there is a high price to pay.

To be fair, kids are resilient. If you get really upset and yell at them occasionally, they’ll get over it. You can even apologize for your behavior. “When I yelled at you before I was very upset about a few things. I shouldn’t have screamed at you. I’m really sorry.” It can be a great learning experience.

The last type of yelling is inexcusable. Losing control is never OK, and the negative character traits your children will pick up can last for a very long time. How would you feel if your boss went crazy on you because he was upset about something else? Even if the yelling is justified, it’s completely wrong. Think for a second how it would feel if you were being screamed at by an adult, and possibly with others watching. It’s humiliating and so hurtful.

They are children. Whatever they did, losing control is not an option. What will the result be if this happens? For starters, you might start noticing seriously negative behaviors in your children. They might only respond when you yell at them. They might begin to yell back at you. They might even start disregarding what you say. It only goes downhill from there.

The result can very well be having children that are completely estranged. They can’t or won’t have a relationship with their parents that constantly yelled and screamed at them. Their self-esteem will be in the dumps, and they have a much higher chance of slipping a lot further.

What can you do? First of all, when you’re upset at your kids, it’s ok to act stern. Lowering your voice works most of the time, but if you feel the situation calls for a raised voice, by all means, use an outside voice. Screaming isn’t ok.

If you’re that upset that you feel you might lose control, take a timeout. There’s no shame in taking a timeout, and you can actually turn it into a wonderful teaching moment. “I’m so upset right now that I am not going to speak because I don’t like to talk when I’m upset!” This will teach your children that even when they’re really upset, they still must act like Bnai Torah.

There is one last thing that I would like to mention. Many parents have written in, telling me that they frequently lose control. If you feel as a parent you are losing control more than once a month, you might benefit from therapy. There are some amazing techniques that you can learn to help calm yourself, and it’s a very worthy investment.
​
Have a calm and wonderful Shabbos,
YR
 
 
 
0 Comments

Rebbe coming late...

12/5/2019

1 Comment

 
Rabbi Ross. My 4th grade son has been complaining that his class goes “crazy” every morning before Yeshiva starts. They throw things around, pick on kids, and are extremely silly. Apparently, the Rebbi arrives at the exact time when yeshiva begins. He then proceeds to punish the entire class because of their behaviors. My son refuses to speak to anyone about it and insists that I stay out of it. I guess my questions are, should I listen to him and not tell the school? Should I send an anonymous email to make the school aware? Is it fair for a Rebbi to punish a class because of a few boys? Chaim Sokolov

I really try to keep this blog focused on parenting, but you are bringing up a few topics that are worth discussing. I’ll try to answer your questions as best as possible, but I’m sure that the Rebbeim that read this blog aren’t going to be very happy with me.

Question one – Should a Rebbe arrive early? As with every other job, there are pros and cons to being a Rebbe in a Yeshiva. The pay isn’t that great, and you definitely need to bring the work home with you.  On the flip side, most Rebbeim finish in the early afternoon which allows for a second job, and, most importantly, teaching Torah is the most rewarding feeling.

When a typical job begins, an employee needs to be there on time. A Rebbe however, should be in his classroom a minimum of 15 minutes before Yeshiva begins. I say minimum, since I know of many Rebbeim that arrive a half hour early. It gives you time to get settled, organize your class if needed, and keep the early arrivals calm. When the kids trickle in early, you have the opportunity to shmooze with them and see how they’re doing.

There are Rebbeim that travel from Brooklyn to the 5 Towns, and they arrive on time. There are even a few Rebbeim that travel from Lakewood every day, and somehow, they manage to be early. It’s baffling to me that certain Rebbeim show up at the last second. Not only is it hard for the administration, it’s really not good for the class. I’ve heard all types of reasons. “I have to bring kids to the babysitter” or” I only get the car 10 minutes before Yeshiva begins”. It’s just wrong. The children need to have a Rebbe or Morah in the class when they walk in.

I also had that issue when I had younger kids and my wife worked. Somehow, we figured out a solution. You might think it’s ok, but I can assure you that the Yeshivos keep very good track regarding which Rebbeim arrive early and which ones arrive at the last second.  The kids need a Rebbe (or Morah) to be there as they arrive. Some Yeshivos do have the kids meet in a common area which is a great idea. Nonetheless, it’s still so important for a Rebbe or Morah to arrive at least 15 minutes early.

Question two – Should you get involved in a school issue if your son doesn’t want you to, or perhaps contact them anonymously? That’s a difficult question. Typically, if your child asks you not to say anything, you shouldn’t say anything. Trust is a two-way street, and if you want your child to trust you, you need to keep your promises. The fact is, if your son is speaking to you about his day it’s a good thing. Violating his trust might cause him to stop sharing information with you.

There are understandably times that you need to make some crucial decisions. If your child is being bullied or there are other serious issues, you would need to call the school immediately. In this case, I wouldn’t call the Rebbe and ask him to verify, rather I would contact the principal directly and let him know what’s going on. You can preface your call with “This is what my son told me; I’m leaving this in your capable hands”.

The obvious question is, do you ask your son’s permission before calling, or at the very least tell him? It really depends on the child. If you think he’ll comprehend that you need to take additional steps to protect him (or other children), I would go for it. If you don’t think he’ll understand, just make sure that the school handles it correctly and discreetly. The proper way to deal with bullying incidents is beyond the scope of this article, but most Yeshivos do have training in place to guide the Rebbeim.

You asked about contacting the Yeshiva anonymously. I was taught years ago, that anonymous correspondence isn’t worth the paper it’s sent on. (This was obviously when people mailed things.) I receive a few anonymous emails every month, and once I realize it’s anonymous, I delete it immediately. I don’t even read it. Sending an anonymous e-mail to your school will accomplish nothing. Actually, they might find out it was you (it’s very hard to remain anonymous) which can backfire.

The last point you mentioned, was punishing the class for one or two children. I am not very fond of punishing in general, I’m more of a fan of consequences. In any case, it doesn’t seem very fair to punish an entire class because of the actions of a few boys. If a large amount of kids are misbehaving, that’s a separate story. One or two boys should not be causing an entire class to suffer.

One Rebbe told me that when he punishes the class because of one boy, they all “glare” at the offender. His (warped) logic was, since he’ll make the class upset, everything will magically work itself out. There are many issues with this. First of all, the ones making trouble are already suffering from low self-esteem. Making the class upset at them won’t help them at all. Second of all, if a Rebbe needs the rest of the class to help him with class management, perhaps it’s time he found alternative employment.

To answer your question, you should sit your son down and have a serious talk with him. Find out if he’s exaggerating, or if things are indeed out of control. (Resist the urge to ask, “Does anyone else think the classroom is crazy in the morning?” on the class chat). If he’s not exaggerating, tell him that you need to call the Yeshiva and find out what’s going on, but you won’t mention his name, and you’ll make sure it doesn’t get back to him.
​
Hatzlacha and have a good Shabbos.
YR

 
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1 Comment

Bentching Battles...

11/29/2019

9 Comments

 
My 8.5-year-old son has recently become disinterested in davening and bentching. When I try to let him know (without pressuring) that "it's time to bentch now," or "let's take 10 minutes to daven before we have the Shabbos meal," he responds that he doesn't want to or isn't in the mood. I tried starting to give out "bentching treats" to the children after bentching, but now this child uses it as a condition that he will only bentch if I give him a good treat, and this just doesn't feel like good chinuch. How can I bring excitement and enthusiasm to these areas that seem like a burden to my son? Thank you, Private

I love the way you ended off your email. Excitement and enthusiasm are key elements in Chinuch, and not just for Bentching. Doing Mitzvos should never feel like a burden.

Additionally, the issue you brought up regarding rewarding positive behaviors, is a real one. Many parents and mechanchim make this common mistake, and the result is always the same. When you reward children for doing something correctly, they will require a similar or greater reward for each occurrence.

Here’s a simple example. A counselor in a sleep-away camp has a camper who refuses to eat the camp food. There are a few solutions available including ensuring that this child doesn’t bring snacks to the lunchroom, helping him decide which foods to try, or even enlisting the help of a senior staff member. If this counselor decided to reward the camper for eating, the camper will NEVER eat without being rewarded. Although a small reward seems like a quick fix, ultimately, it’s a step in the wrong direction.

In any case, your email mentioned two separate issues, namely Davening and Bentching. I would rather discuss Bentching since that’s what you seem to be focusing on as well. Here are some Bentching tips that might help you out. As always, some of these might be more useful than others.

Instead of saying, “We need to Bentch now” or, “Did you Bentch yet?”, you could say, “Let’s Bentch to thank Hashem.” 

It’s important to keep in mind that, even as children mature, it’s better not to ask them whether they have bentched. They might view this as a challenge or test.  Instead, try handing them a bencher and saying, “Here’s a bencher.”

If you have family meal (EG Shabbos) and you have a specific child that didn’t Bentch well, bring it up at the next meal. You can say “Before you wash for bread, I need you to remember that you need to Bentch afterwards. Last night, you didn’t Bentch so well, and I would rather you not wash for Hamotzie unless you’re sure you’ll be able to Bentch.

It’s important that the parents use a Bentcher when they Bentch. If your kids see you looking inside, they’ll likely do that same.

Although there isn’t a specific amount of time Bentching should take, it’s a good idea to Bentch somewhat loudly so your kids get an idea how much time to spend saying the words.

It’s never a bad idea to enlist the help of his Rebbe. A good Rebbe can motivate the whole class to make Brachos like Bnai Torah.

Bentching is very connected to Hakoras Hatov. After a meal, you can announce “After we thank Mommy for the yummy meal, let’s thank Hashem!”

Bentching is a Bracha Achrona. There are many other Brachos that should be focused on as well. Al Hamichya, Borei Nefashos and even an Asher Yatzar. Being consistent is a great way to parent, and you should focus on all of these.

Whereas rewarding children for expected behaviors is a bad idea, it’s always a great idea to compliment them for a job well done. If your child does an exceptionally good job reading the words inside the Bentcher, giving him a shout-out is a fantastic idea.

Lastly, there are some fabulous books written that discuss the rewards for Bentching slowly and inside a Bentcher. I would suggest picking a few of these up and leaving them around for your kids to read.

Wishing you and your family much Hatzlacha,
Have a good Shabbos,
YR
 
 

9 Comments

Being Mevater

11/21/2019

2 Comments

 
Hi Rabbi Ross, I hope all is well. I have a quick question and would love to hear your thoughts. In Yiddishkeit it is a very lofty level for someone to be able to be mevater, whether between husband and wife or between two friends etc. This is also, of course something which we would love to teach our children as well. My question is, if your child has a situation where he or she should be mevater- how do we know when to get your child to try to mevater or when your child should be taught to stand up for themselves. What is the geder between kids being mevater and between building our children's self-esteem? Thanks!  Ariel Sonnenblick

I first heard the term “Being Mevater” about twenty years ago. Rav Binyamin Kamenetzky zt"l told me I should have a theme for every year. When I asked him what the theme should be, he told me that the boys should learn to be Mevater. I didn’t understand it fully then, so I asked Rabbi Herzberg zt”l who told me that it should always be my yearly theme. I’ll quote. “You can’t explain mevater, you have to live it.”

So, every week (even now) when I send my class newsletter home, it has a picture of a little person exclaiming “I was mevater!” However, the term mevater has become an overused term that became loosely translated as “giving in” which is not the real meaning. The word is hard to translate, but it really means to relinquish what is yours.

Here’s the difference. Imagine that you have two children playing a game and they’re taking turns. This is called sharing. As you’re watching them, one of them tries to continue playing even though his turn is up. You turn to him and say, “It’s not your turn, be mevater.” However, that’s incorrect. It’s not his turn, and he’s not giving up something that is rightfully his. If the other child were to say, “That’s ok, he can play a little longer, that is being mevater.”

I can explain another difference by sharing a story that happened to me a few weeks ago. My wife sent me to the Gourmet Glatt in Cedarhurst on (gasp) Thursday night. It goes without saying, that it was quite busy in the store, but thankfully I was only picking up a few items. I headed over to the “15 items or less line” and began patiently waiting. Suddenly, a lady came running up carrying a few boxes of eggs and asked one of the women in the front if she could go in front of her. The lady magnanimously replied, “I’ll gladly be mevater!”  

It was a beautifully inspiring scene except for one small detail.  This lady couldn’t be mevater since she was inconveniencing all the people behind her. No one said a word, but the stares of the others in line could’ve cut steel. Had she said, “Take my place, I’ll go to the back of the line”, well, that would’ve been being mevater.

Now that we have a better understanding of the word, let’s try to figure out the answer to your question. You are wondering when a child should stand up for himself as opposed to being mevater. We want our children to have confidence and be willing to stand up for what’s correct. If your child is constantly giving in, you’re worried that he won’t gain the confidence required to mature. 

There are children that are raised like this, and whenever there is any conflict, they quickly give in. I agree that it’s not healthy. I had a boy in my class years ago that took the front seat on the first day. When another boy asked for that seat, he said “Sure”. A few minutes later, another boy asked for his new seat, and he gave that up as well. A few minutes later he was sitting in the back. I walked over to him and asked where he really wanted to sit and he told me “Near the front so I can focus better, but it’s fine.” I moved him back to the front and shifted everyone back a seat.

I called his mother after Yeshiva, and she said “He really does need the front, and I drove him early so he can pick a good seat. If a different boy wants the seat, I guess he can sit further back.” I told her that if he will learn better in a specific seat, he shouldn’t give it up so easily. Teaching our children to stand up for themselves, when appropriate, is very important. 

The fact is, standing up for oneself and being mevater aren’t mutually exclusive. Let’s give some examples. It’s Friday night and the meal is about to start. Your oldest son always sits next to you and is about to sit down when his younger brother says, “I want to sit here tonight!” As you’re mentally preparing yourself for a meal of bickering and sulking, your bechor turns and says to his brother, “It’s ok, you can sit in my seat tonight.” 

This is the true meaning of mevater. He made it clear that it was his seat and that he was willing to relinquish the seat. It was also understood that this was a one-time offer. Most importantly, he did this of his own initiative and with a smile. 

Another example would be during breakfast time. One of your kids is about to pour the last of the fruity pebbles into his bowl, when a younger sibling cries “I wanted some!” The older child stops for a second, and says to his younger sibling, “Here, I’ll pour it for you.” Again, he is relinquishing the right to the cereal, and doing it with a great attitude. He’s going all out “Belev Shaleim” which is a key part to being mevater.

In both cases, your child is taking control of the situation and still being mevater. Here are some helpful hints that will help understand how to teach our children to be mevater while still giving them the confidence that they need to stand up for themselves. 

• If your children are ever arguing, instead of choosing a side or getting involved, ask them to pause for a second. Explain both sides of the argument out loud. Then call over the more mature one and quietly tell him that this is a chance to prove his maturity by being mevater even though he feels he is correct.

• Being mevater means with a smile. Saying “Fine! Keep the dumb book!” isn’t being mevater.

• Asking “Who wants to be mevater” when kids are arguing is ok occasionally. If you say it every day, it really cheapens the word.

• I find it very helpful to explain to your child why you’re proud of her. “You were supposed to get a turn, and you gave it up for your sister. That’s very kind and generous of you! Great job being mevater!”

• I don’t think the word mevater should ever be said by the person that’s being mevater. For example, if your daughter says, “I’ll be mevater” you can tell her “That was very nice of you.  Next time try being mevater without even saying so.”

• No one should ever be mevater at another person’s expense.

Wishing you continued Yiddishe Nachas from your children,

Have a good Shabbos,
​
YR
2 Comments

Younger kids Davening

11/15/2019

2 Comments

 
Rabbi Ross. You mentioned that the responsibility of a mother is to work on Davening with their kids at home. What should I be doing with them, and how do I combine all the ages? Rachel Ehrenberg

I truly enjoyed last week’s column, especially since my father says the same thing. “Why has Davening become longer if it’s harder for us to focus?” One part that stood out was regarding the mother being in charge of Davening at home with the kids. Is there anything in particular I should be doing? Yael G.

Hi, thank you always for your interesting and thought-provoking articles! I was wondering exactly what you meant by the tone for davening is set by the mother. I would love a longer explanation on this if possible. Thank you, Shira Kramer 

These are three of the many e-mails I’ve received after last week’s article. All of these people are asking fair questions. I did mention in passing that “The one person who really teaches the kids to Daven is their mother.” I strongly believe that if the mother is on top of the Davening at home, the kids will learn how to Daven, and the transition to Shul will be much easier. Therefore, I will share my thoughts on how this could work. Obviously, all children are different, but hopefully you can use the advice below as a guide.

To keep things simple, let’s assume there are three ages that we’re dealing with. There are toddlers ranging in ages from two-years-old up to five-years-old. The next group would start there and go up to approximately seven-years-old. The oldest group continues up to around eleven-years-old.  Kids that are older than this ideally should be going to Shul. For arguments sake, we’re going to assume the children in the situations below are boys. I am not sure how this works with the girls as they get older (and still Davening at home). I need to think about this and speak to some Mechanchim in girl’s Yeshivos.  

Here are my thoughts beginning with the youngest age group.

2-4      Even at the age of one, children understand and internalize everything their parents do. The first thing you (we’re talking about the mother) should do every morning, is say Modeh Ani and wash them Neggel Vasser. Make the Bracha together with him. Comments like “Now we’re ready to start our day” are also helpful, since they should connect washing hands to beginning the day. It’s worth mentioning that the attitude we display when performing Mitzvos is a huge indicator as to our emotions. Stumbling over to the sink in pre-coffee mode won’t be as effective as walking over with a big smile.

The next step with this age, is to Daven. Let your little guys play near you while you Daven. If they disturb you, don’t say “Not now – I’m Davening”. We want to associate Davening with happiness. Make sure to look inside a siddur when you’re Davening and try to stay in one area. This prepares them for eventually going to a shul. Let them sit on your lap as you read the words. If you can, sing with them parts of Davening.

Your goal is to make them realize that Davening to Hashem is a part of the day that you enjoy, something that makes you happy. Children at this age mimic everything, and they are surprisingly adept at reading body language. It wouldn’t shock me, if after a few weeks of this, your toddler begins to imitate your motions.  

5-7.     At this age, children should understand the importance of Davening. They are probably singing parts of Davening in school, and can say Modeh Ani, Shema, and a handful of other parts of Davening. Many kids this age even have a special Siddur from their school, but if not, you can find many wonderful children’s Siddurim in your local Seforim store.

It is helpful to find out what they Daven in school, and even better if you can speak to the Rebbe or Morah to determine what they think should be said at home. Once the older kids or your husband go to Shul, you can start Davening with him. (We’re assuming of course that he already washed Neggel Vasser when he woke up).

You can give him a spot to Daven in the same room you’re Davening.  Set up a Siddur for him and begin Davening yourself. Encourage him to sing any parts that he knows out loud – tell him it makes Hashem so happy. You want to stay away from offering prizes of any sort for Davening, a compliment from you is more than enough.

It’s so important to keep in mind that every child is different. There are some five-year-old boys that will Daven for 15 minutes beautifully, and there are seven-year-old boys that will stop after three minutes. Don’t make the mistake of comparing your son to your neighbor’s grandson who “Davens the entire Shacharis by heart with all the Meforshim at the age of three!” A lot of children find it more challenging to Daven, and it’s not necessarily a reflection of your parenting.

Once you see your son is “finished”, ask him to close his Siddur, give it a kiss, and put it back on the shelf. If he Davened nicely, let him know. Give him a kiss and tell him “I’m so proud of you! Hashem loves when you talk to him! “You should finish Davening yourself at that time while he’s playing (or more likely making a mess somewhere). Afterwards, call him over and say the following. “You’re Davening so well, that I’m going to speak to Abba and see if you can start going to Shul a little bit. Really Shul is for big boys, but you’re really proving that you’re so big.” (More on going to Shul with your husband later).

If his Davening wasn’t that good, don’t make a big deal out of it. If you see him playing around or spacing out, don’t shake your head or make any negative comments. Simply say, “It looks like you’re done Davening. As you get older, you’ll begin to Daven much nicer. Thank you for taking time to talk to Hashem.” Then remind him to put the siddur away and give it a kiss. I wouldn’t worry too much about a seven-year-old that’s not Davening. If he does better next week, even if it’s only a drop better, make a big deal out of it. Send a Mitzvah note to his Rebbe. Tell your husband at the Shabbos table.

8-10.  At this age, they really should be already going to Shul for at least part of the Davening, but we’ll discuss that at the end. Initially, the idea is similar to the 5-7 age group. Set up a spot for him to Daven and Daven yourself in the same room. There will probably be less singing, but he should know a lot more Tefilos.

You don’t want to focus on his Davening. Even if he’s looking out of the siddur the entire time, don’t make any comments. Focus on your Davening. Look inside your Siddur. Concentrate. He’s still a kid. If you see that he’s not even trying to Daven anymore, ask him to Daven Shema (or any main Tefila that he didn’t Daven yet) inside and then tell him he’s done. If he tells you “I already said Shema” make eye contact with him and say “OK. Thank you for Davening to Hashem. Ideally, a boy of your age would Daven a little more, but I understand it’s not always easy.” Have him put his Siddur back and give it a kiss. Keep in mind, if he’s focused on something else (E.G. legos, or a book) it might be smarter to let him play before he Davens so he can get it out of his system.

The next week you should repeat the same approach. However, before he begins Davening tell him “Last week you Davened for 9 minutes. Let’s try to Daven to Hashem for an extra few minutes.” This is more important for boys that are ten or eleven years old. Again, don’t offer any rewards or prizes, rather let him Daven on his own. Obviously, you want to increase the time spent Davening week by week until you feel he’s ready to go to Shul.

If no matter what you do, he’s resistant to Davening, I still wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. Make sure that you keep davening, and every once in a while, tell him, “When you get older, you will IY”H appreciate the beauty and importance of Davening”. One other point for this age group, is not giving him a job during the time he should be Davening. For example, if he’s not Davening during the assigned time, don’t tell him to watch his younger brother since he’s not Davening. You don’t want him justifying his lack of Davening because he’s helping out. Once his allotted time is complete, you can have him help.

The last two concepts I would like to mention, are acclimating to Shul and dealing with multiple ages.
When your son is ready to start Davening in Shul, you must ensure you have an escape plan. If Davening begins at 9:00, it would be great if he stayed until the Torah comes out so he can give it a kiss. Send along some Jewish books, and maybe a lollipop or something. As a side note, I’m sure the Shul would rather you not send crummy foods or open drinks.

Make sure that your husband is helping him with the parts you’ve been doing at home whatever the age. When he’s done Davening and is becoming  fidgety, have your husband (or an older sibling) bring him back home. I know this isn’t ideal, but if you let him run around in Shul , he’ll never appreciate the holiness of the shul. It’ll just be another playground for him.

When he comes back home, make a huge deal every week. “Wow! You Davened in Shul! How was it? Were you super quiet?” Going to Shul is a reward of its own. You’ll be surprised at how quickly he’ll be able to stay for the entire Davening. If it doesn’t work out well the first time, wait a few weeks before trying again.
As many of you are aware, I’m not a fan of youth groups. I’m not going to get into the particulars, but I strongly believe that it’s the parent’s responsibility to teach their children how to Daven. Although there are always some exceptions, it seems to me that many groups on Shabbos are just glorified babysitting. I know that many of you disagree with me, and if you have already sent me your rebuttal the last time I wrote this, you don’t need to resend it. Unless it makes you feel better, in which case, send it over.

The last discussion is dealing with multiple ages simultaneously. Working with multiple children changes the whole dynamics. It’s not possible to give a concrete solution since there are so many variables. If there are siblings that are of similar ages, you can setup a mini-Shul, and let them take turns being chazzan. Make sure to constantly compliment the children Davening well.

If it’s not practical to have them all daven together, I would focus on the older ones first and let the younger ones play in a different room. If you’re unable to Daven at all because of the other kids, you need to determine if the older kids are capable of Davening without your help. If yes, let them Daven, and make a big deal about how proud of them you are. If they still need your assistance, Daven with them when your husband comes home from Shul.

If your husband offers to Daven with them when he gets home, I wouldn’t take him up on the offer. First of all, it’ll be a chance for you to daven also (while letting your husband “bond” with the little guys.) Additionally, I really think that women are better suited to giving over a love for Davening.
I would like to end off with four questions that we can all think about.

What should you do if your son’s friends are running around the Shul and he wants to join them?

How about if your husband isn’t a great Davener, or Chas V’shalom talks during Davening. Should you still send your boys?

What should a parent do if a younger child is Davening better than the older child. Should the younger child be allowed to go to Shul if the older boy is still at home?

And lastly, is it smart to tell a child that is a weak Davener that a sick person needs his Tefilos?


I would love to hear your thoughts – you can comment below although I tend to stop the comments pretty quickly. E-mailing me is always a great way to get in touch.

Have a great Shabbos!
YR

2 Comments

Shacharis on Shabbos

11/8/2019

8 Comments

 
My 11-year-old son is very resistant to staying in Shul for Davening on Shabbos morning. Davening now takes almost 2 ½ hours, and he can’t sit still for that long. He Davens for an hour and then wants a 15-minute break. He goes outside and plays with other kids in the Shul, and then comes in a while later and Davens some more. Every week the break is longer, and my wife and I are heartbroken since we raised him to appreciate the importance of Davening.   Any help you can throw our way would be much appreciated.
Shlomo Caiman – Kew Gardens

My theory regarding Davening is, Shul is for Davening.  I’ve written this before and I’m sticking to it. If your son wants to take a “break” from Davening, he should be brought back home. You certainly shouldn’t act upset at him, nor should you tell him off. Simply say, it’s fine if you want to play, but Shul is only for Davening. The fact is, that the one person who really teaches the kids to Daven, is the mother. She’s the one that instills in the children the importance of Davening, and even inculcates within them a love of Tefilah. I know many women that never get to go to Shul on Shabbos, but they’ve raised some amazing children. It’s a sacrifice, but it’s well worth it.

What’s the problem with letting kids play for a bit? I personally know many teenagers that were allowed to run outside and play when they finished Shemona Esrai when they were younger. Now, they’re 15+ years old and they still run around during Davening. There are exceptions, but if children grow up thinking Shul is a place to play, it’s hard to change that mindset.

You did bring up a second interesting point in your e-mail. What used to be called “Ants in the pants” or “No zitz fleish” is now called ADHD. Yes, I’m certainly generalizing, but many kids (and adults) have shorter attention spans these days. Some people blame it on electronics, others on our diet. No matter what the reason, children these days have a harder time focusing and sitting through Davening.

The oddest part about this, is that Shacharis on Shabbos in many Shuls now takes longer than it used to. I recall Davening in many Shuls that took approximately 2 hours for Shabbos Davening, and now, as you so eloquently pointed out, they’re almost at 2 ½ hours. What changed? I asked about twenty different people ranging from Rebbeim to businessman and got very similar responses. They all agree that Shabbos Davening has become longer over the year. No one had any clear-cut reasons, but they all shared their thoughts.

So, what is it? Possibly the Baalei Tefilah are taking longer. Maybe the Rav is speaking longer. More Mi Shebeirachs? Laining going slower? In any case, I don’t think it’s a good thing. If we really want our children to stay in Shul and Daven, we need to be more understanding. Those extra 15 -25 minutes are very hard for kids that are already at the tail end of their limit.

I sat with a few Gabboim who broke down their ideal timing for Shacharis. 25-30 minutes for Pesukei d’Zimra. 20-30 minutes for Shacharis. 35-50 minutes for Laining. 15-20 minutes for Mussaf. 5 minutes for Anim Zemiros and other Tefilos at the end. If the Rabbi speaks, 5-15 minutes. Obviously, this can vary, but you get the idea.

It goes without saying that the Chazzan should be using the correct Nusach and not just reading the words. There should be singing and it’s not a competition to see who can Daven faster.  Nonetheless, adding up everything using the higher number ends up with 2 hours and 30 minutes. The shortest would be an hour and 45 minutes. I strongly believe that if we kept Davening to an average of 2 hours and 10 minutes, kids would have a much easier time staying in Shul the entire time.

To be fair, if Davening always takes 3 hours, it makes sense to keep it that way. However, if the Shul used to finish in 2 hours and over the past few years it’s been taking longer, the Gabboim should discuss internally. If they are unwilling to do anything, maybe it’s time to switch shuls.

I would like to share one last thought. Rabbi Chaim Follman, a senior Rebbe in the Yeshiva, taught me an amazing lesson regarding children’s Davening. He doesn’t tell kids to Daven. Instead, he shows them what to say, and tells them they have to stay in their seats for a specific amount of time. This way, the children realize that flying through the words won’t gain them any time. I’ve watched him in action, and it’s really fantastic. If certain Shuls began finishing on time, the Mispallilim would focus less on the clocks, and more on the words.
​
Wishing you all a good Shabbos,
YR
8 Comments

A Driving Tale...

10/30/2019

5 Comments

 
Picture
I’m going to take a parenting break and share a story this week. I actually had an article ready to go, but the father got cold feet and asked me not to print his e-mail.  In any case enjoy this story. 

On May 14th, my 9-year-old cousin passed away. Many of you watched the video of Refoel Goldberg asking us to pray for him, but his special soul was brought back.

I decided to drive to Montreal for the funeral and offered to take anyone that wanted to join me. Three of my siblings took me up on my offer, so at around midnight we headed north in my wife’s minivan. It was a rainy and chilly night and I was a bit tired, so I wasn’t driving too fast. One of my sisters stayed awake in the passenger seat to keep me company.

A few hours in, I noticed a car tailgating me, so I switched to the right lane. I mentioned to my sister that someone was driving awfully fast in the rain, when suddenly, lights began flashing. Officer Ward pulled me over. He insisted that I was going 91 M.P.H. which would have been suicidal. My siblings all knew that I wasn’t, but I had nothing to gain by arguing.

I was handed a citation that said I was going 74 which I promptly put in the door pocket and continued the trek up. We arrived early in the morning and went to the funeral. As soon as it was over, we got back in the car and headed back. We arrived back in New York at around 7:00 PM, which meant I had been up for 36 hours straight and been driving for almost 14 of them.

I showed my wife the citation and left it on the kitchen counter.  I promptly went upstairs to take a quick nap before heading back to work. During this time, my two-year-old decided to practice her art skills on the above-mentioned citation. When she finished her work, the remnants were left proudly on the floor of her room. Upon awakening, I walked into her room and looked with a mixture of horror and pride at her masterpiece.  I took the tattered and scribbled pieces and decided to deal with it later.

Procrastination is a very dangerous game. A few weeks passed and I remembered that I had never repaired and dealt with it. First, I contacted James Medows who’s a traffic attorney. He’s the best according to everyone I spoke to, and he doesn’t try to make money off people if they can do the work themselves. Mr. Medows told me to first mail the ticket in and take it from there.   I attempted to tape it back together, but my art skills are equivalent to that of a salted slug. Thank goodness my wife saved the day, and using some Harry Potter wizardry, repaired (I think the proper spell is “Repario”) my citation (Exhibits A and B).

I mailed it in with a note apologizing for my tardiness and an explanation for the scribbles and mended work, along with a photo of the pepertrator (Exhibit C). Apparently, Linda G. McMahon from the Lake George Town Court does not have a two-year-old climbing around her office, since I got her response 3 days later.

The first thing I noticed was that she reprinted the citation (Exhibit D), and also sent me back the original so we could keep the “Artwork for framing” (Exhibit E). She also included some other notes which showed the supporting deposition. Not only that, but she downloaded and included my driving abstract free of charge (See the post-it notes on Exhibit E) to save me time along with clear instructions (Exhibit F).

The end result of my citation, was that they downgraded it to a parking ticket. I had to pay $100, which is exactly why Mr. Medows recommended I do it myself instead of hiring an attorney. In any case,  there are a few important items that can be learned from this story.

First of all, if you leave important documents lying around, your kids will find them and mutilate them. Especially if you leave them on the kitchen counter. Second of all, if you do get pulled over by the police, even if you’re 100% right, take a deep breath.  If you argue or get upset, you won’t win, and it only makes things worse. Lastly, Linda G. McMahon is a thoughtful and understanding court clerk. She went above and beyond, and I’m very grateful for her assistance. If you do get pulled over, try to make sure it's in Lake George and make sure the County Clerk is involved in some capacity. If anyone knows how to reach her, you can let her know that I’m very grateful.

Wishing you all a wonderful Shabbos,
​
Drive Safe,

YR 
Exhibit "A"
Exhibit "B"
Exhibit "C"
Exhibit "D"
Exhibit "E"
Exhibit "F"
5 Comments

Uman!

10/25/2019

 
I began writing these parenting columns/answers many years ago. I quickly learned that no matter the topic, people will always disagree. I had a mother email me recently after I mentioned that it’s healthy to tell children “no” sometimes. She wrote “These days, telling a child no is tantamount to child abuse. Kids need to be smothered with love and affection and your concepts of parenting are archaic!” I mention this because my short response to the question below will likely cost me many subscribers. I’m ok with that.

The person asking the question below is a Talmid from 21 years ago. I replied to him that night but waited until this week to post. Although I’m turning off public commenting, feel free to reply to this email with any thoughts.  

Hi Rebbe, I hope all is well. I’m not sure if you know this, but I’ve been going to Uman with friends for the past few years. This year my wife said she really wants me home with her and the kids (Redacted is four and redacted is two). I tried explaining to her that going gives me a spiritual boost that lasts me the entire year, but she’s not listening. We agreed to let you make the final decision. Thank you! Redacted.


​Many Yiddin travel to Uman for Rosh Hashana. Actually, according to Wikipedia, in 2018 over 30,000 Yidden made the trip. One friend of mine told me that the reason he goes, is because Rebbe Nachman promised to help his Tefilos go up to Hashem even if he did a lot of Aveiros. It’s unfair of me to really give an in-depth response to your question since I haven’t personally made the trip. Nonetheless I am a huge fan of being inspired by others, and Davening at a Kever is so special. Below are a few points that I would like to share.

Certain types of Chassidus have a very unique method of dealing with family. These Chassidim leave their families for extended periods of time to spend time with their Rebbes or Daven at Kevorim during the year. Many of these Chassidim also Daven slowly and carefully and are very Makpid in many areas of Yiddishkeit. It seems a bit odd to me that people pick and choose which parts of Chassidus they want to embrace. If you really love the warmth of Chassidus, you could start going to the Mikvah every morning. If that’s not an option, maybe start coming to Davening on time every day. In other words, there are other ways to connect to Hashem if going to Uman won’t work out. 

I don’t think it’s ok to leave your wife and children unless they are 100% on board with it. I know of many families having the same discussion that you and your wife are having. It seems incredibly selfish to leave your family so you can have a “spiritual awakening”. Spending a Yom Tov with family is so incredible! At houses all over the world, kids are excitedly dipping apples in honey while singing about it, they’re trying new fruits, children going to Shul with their father to hear the Shofar, and so much more. In your house your wife will be quietly wondering why she is alone with the kids. It just doesn’t seem right to me. 
 
I’m utterly baffled by those who leave Eretz Yisrael to travel to Uman for Rosh Hashanah. Are you kidding me? You’re leaving the holiest land to go to a Kever in Uman?  I’m not sure how this works, but I would ask your Rav before making a decision of that magnitude. 

There are also some reports of Yidden drinking and doing other activities that should make one wonder if this is the correct venue for Bnai Torah. One very good friend of mine was very clear that he only goes for the social aspect.  Whereas I’m sure you are going to build on your Yiddishkeit, nevertheless the Torah warns us against putting ourselves in positions that can cause us to sin. You need to be very careful. 

There is also an issue regarding the massive Chillul Hashem that takes place. I personally spoke to a flight attendant who told me that the general behavior on the flights she works on is horrible. “Many of these people are rude, obnoxious, and leave a huge mess behind!”  I know she is generalizing, but I can’t help but wonder if the holy Rav Nachman would really be ok with this. If you’re making the trek, please make sure that you and those around you are making a Kiddush Hashem. 

The last thing I would point out, is the cost involved. I have a funny feeling that if instead of spending the money on the trip you bought your wife some jewelry, it would enhance Yom Tov for BOTH of you. One person that goes every year mentioned to me that he’s going through a very hard time financially. Some local organizations are helping out as he tries to supplement his income with side jobs. Do these organizations know that he spends money flying to Uman every year? Would they still help him out?

In case I wasn’t clear enough, I agree with your wife. Stay home. Buy your wife something nice for Yom Tov and bring Rav Nachman into your home. You can still be excited about davening, and who knows? Maybe you’ll inspire others! Have a wonderful Shabbos.

​YR
 

Worried Grandparents

9/27/2019

1 Comment

 
My husband and I have been avid readers of your column on the internet for the past few years. We generally agree with most of your advice, and constantly lament the new issues that our children and grandchildren face. Our issue is how our son and his wife are raising our grandchildren. They have this new-age mentality of rarely disciplining them, and they’ve adopted a “Stay away from no” attitude. The hardest part isn’t even watching them miserably fail at raising their children, it’s when they come to us for Shabbos. Instead of being the “fun” grandparents, we’re constantly admonishing them for basic things. “Don’t read at the table when others are sitting with you. Don’t put your shoes on the couch. Don’t talk with food in your mouth.” Not only are the grandchildren beginning to resent us, but our son is threatening not to bring them over since we’re too strict. Please advise. Tizku L”Mitzvos! DS and RS

Ouch. As someone who knows a few parents utilizing this “New age” parenting style, my heart goes out to you. It’s so frustrating watching people raise their children in such a dangerous manner, and it’s even more painful when it’s your own family. Answering this question is tricky, since I’ll be heavily relying on my non-existent psychology skills.

I’m going to share some bullet points and hope that they help you decide what to do. As always, these are only thoughts and suggestions. The nature of this blog is that I don’t allow detailed questions, and as a result I’m missing a lot of relevant information.
  • Frequently, people raise their children using the opposite methodology of their parents. In other words, if you or your daughter-in-law’s parents were extremely strict, they might be trying to do the reverse. I’m not assigning blame, just trying to help understand where this behavior is coming from.
  • It is extremely important that you don’t speak negatively about how they are raising their children. Not to them. Not to your friends. Certainly not to your grandchildren. Resist the urge to make any snide remarks. It’s not worth it.
  • It would be best if you were able to somehow ignore the many issues that arise when they come for Shabbos. You can try to choose some simple battles, but really be as easygoing as possible. I do understand that many grandparents would have a very hard time dealing with this.
  • If it aggravates you to the point that you can’t help yourself from commenting, it seems that you shouldn’t be having them over. Just don’t invite them. If they ask to come, you need to be very polite but firm. “We absolutely LOVE having you for Shabbos. However, while you have every right to raise your children in the way you feel is best, there are certain things that don’t go over so well in our house. As long as you’re ok with us nicely telling the kids that they need to follow a few basic rules in our house, we’re looking forward to having you.”
  • If they’re not ok with that, it’s fine. I know it’s frustrating to not have them come, but it’s very simple. Either you need to ignore the lack of discipline so you can see your grandchildren, or you need to make a statement. To be fair, restaurants have rules (no shoes - no service). Airports have rules. (No liquids on the plane). You’re allowed to have rules in your own house.
  • If you are invited to them for a Shabbos, think carefully before accepting. Their house means their rules, so you don’t have the right to get involved. If it’s too difficult to join them without causing issues, it’s probably better to pass on the invitation.
  • I would encourage you to invite the grandkids without the parents whenever possible. Your son and daughter-in-law might be hesitant at first, but free babysitting and a Shabbos off will eventually win out. This isn’t an opportunity to do a 24-hour parenting blitzkrieg. However, it’s a great chance to give your grandchildren structure in your house without the parents giving each other knowing glances.
  • At the same time, kids don’t enjoy being disciplined, especially if they don’t get it at home. You need to make sure to balance it out. Load up your house with yummy chocolates and other sweets. Prepare an exciting itinerary for Sunday so they want to come again. The goal is that they should be associating your house with warmth, love and of course, fun, while the rules are just a minor inconvenience.
  • I know I mentioned this already, but NEVER say to them “This might work in your parent’s house, but it won’t fly here!” Not only are you insulting their parents, but you’ll be mixing the kids up even more.
  • If you strongly believe that your grandchildren are becoming unruly because of the lack of discipline, you can always contact their Rav. Let him know your dilemma, and make sure he understands that you’re not getting involved and don’t want your name mentioned. There’s not much he can do, but he’s in a better position to help than you are. Remember, don’t speak negatively about your son and daughter-in law’s parenting style. The focus on the conversation is your grandchildren and what can be done to help them get some much-needed discipline.
  • Lastly, although you’re obviously frustrated, I can’t condone your statement “Watching them miserably fail at raising their children.” While some people are better parents than others, it’s so important that we respect the way other people run their houses. We can disagree, but still need to be civil. While you might not have meant it in a hurtful way, I’m sure if your children read it, they would be very hurt.

Wishing you and all of my readers a Kesiva V’Chasima Tova, and a year of Simcha and Gezunt and Nachas.
Have a Good Shabbos
YR
1 Comment

Midnight Selichos

9/20/2019

4 Comments

 
This coming week Selichos begins. My father used to wake me up once I was in 1st grade, and he’d take me at midnight to Shul. Therefore, I have been doing that with my sons. My wife insists that it’s “idiotic” and I feel that it’s great Chinuch. As we read your emails every week – except for this summer when you took off – we agreed to let you decide.  Thanks! Zevi Feinberg

Well, I have a question for you as well. When your father took you to Shul at midnight when you were 7-years-old, did you enjoy it? It’s always a good idea to utilize parenting techniques that your parents used, providing of course that you gained from them as a kid.

My father used to take us to Selichos also, and he was the Chazzan. It was a 35 or so minute drive, and I remember loving it. I’m pretty sure I only Davened Ashrei, and probably not even that some years. Nonetheless, it got me in the “Yomim Noraim” mood. The haunting tune of Kaddish, the 13 Middos being cried out together, the Kittel being worn. It was so inspiring. I felt like an adult, and it was so special that my siblings and I didn’t even fight that much on the drive back. Granted it was in the middle of the night, so we were probably a bit tired.

However, just because my father took me, doesn’t mean I have to take my children. My wife and I discussed it years ago, and we decided to let the kids decide.  We wake up each of the boys about 30 minutes before Selichos, and ask if they want to come. Surprisingly, they almost always want to come with me. It could be they are also excited. Possibly it gives them bragging rights in Yeshiva the next day. Most likely it’s the fact that we go to Dunkin Donuts afterward.

During Selichos, my older boys are obviously more involved in the Davening than the younger ones.  After davening, all of us head out to Dunkin Donuts. Granted, going to Dunkin Donuts doesn’t evoke the spiritual awareness that’s appropriate for this time of year, but it definitely motivates the younger boys to join us at midnight. The older boys and I don’t really eat very much there, but it’s exciting for the younger kids.

We as parents, need to make sure that our kids love Yiddishkeit, and if it means a 2:00 in the morning trip to Dunkin, count me in. Actually, I don’t have a monopoly on the idea as there are many dads making the trip with their kids. It’s pretty comical as a gaggle of bleary-eyed men and boys stagger into the store and order donuts, lattes, and bagels. Most of the food gets saved for the morning, and Baruch Hashem most of the Yeshivos have a late start the next day.

Now let’s discuss your son. Does he HAVE to go? What if he wants to sleep? Do you also make sure his finger is on the place the whole time? It’s a slippery slope. Anytime you’re forcing your children to do something, it already gets “iffy”. I’m not saying you need to join me at Dunkin at 2:00 in the morning, but there are many ways to make it a special event.
  • You can write a special note to his Rebbe explaining how amazing it is that he came with you.
  • You can take him to breakfast in the morning as a “Thank you” for joining you.
  • It can be as simple as making a big deal out of it. Slap him five and tell him how proud you are of him.
The other side of this question, is how your wife deals with this. There are many times that people want to ensure that children aren’t being pressured. Therefore, they inadvertently push the other way. Here’s an example. Let’s pretend that a father successfully convinced his 3rd and 5th grader to stay up until midnight learning on Shavuos. They’re all excited. Along comes the mother who really means well and says “Kids. You really don’t have to stay up if you don’t want to. There’s no Halacha that you need to, and I don’t want you acting tired on Yom Tov.”

While she meant well, that particular mother is pushing too hard the other way. A better response would be “I’m so impressed that you guys are staying up at night! It shows how mature you are, and we’re so proud of you. Just remember, if you get tired at all, please ask Daddy to walk you home. We won’t be upset at all, and whatever you do is a huge Mitzvah.” This way you’re not taking away from the excitement, but you’re giving them the way out.

Getting back to your question. If your kids are excited to go with you, by all means, take them and make it into a positive experience. If they’re on the fence, see if you can motivate them. They might sleep through Selichos, and if they do, don’t make any snide comments. It’s all a positive experience. One comment like “Well, if you would’ve been awake you might have enjoyed it more” might convince them not to come anymore. If they don’t want to come, that’s also fine.  I would even venture to say, that if they’ll Daven better with you in the morning you should also wait until the morning to say Selichos! (Always ask your Rav before making these decisions.)

Your wife should be on the same page as you. She should tell them how excited she is for them, and how special it is. However, if they don’t want to wake up, tell them it’s fine, and they can try again next year. Sometimes only one or two of the boys might want to come – that’s also fine. They can always say Selichos in the morning if they want.

Wishing your whole family a Kesiva V’chasima Tova,

​Good Shabbos
YR
 

4 Comments

Advice to a Rebbe

9/12/2019

14 Comments

 
is Rabbi Ross. I’m a Rebbe in a Yeshiva (I prefer not to give the location.) I’m asking the following questions not only as a third grade Rebbe but also as a parent of a few kids. What is the goal of a Rebbe? More and more parents have been asking me to shower their kids with love, and even the administration explained that we need to focus a lot on giving the kids a happy day. I’m scared to bring this question to the administration since I’ve already brought it up a few times. Is it all about giving over happiness and love or should I still try to push the kids in learning? Can you share some insights? – A Chaver

You’re asking a dangerous question. I recently listened to a wonderful therapist explain the importance of giving our kids love. When he finished, I felt like I was at a Hippie convention. I will gladly share my thoughts, but please understand that there are many people that disagree with me. I have spoken with Psychologists, Rabbonim and Menahalim, and although many think I’m correct, there are those that don’t. In layman terms, before changing your methodology of teaching, make sure that those that are paying you are on board.

Here goes. As parents and Rebbeim, we have a responsibility to these children to prepare them for the world. We also want to teach them Torah and about Yiddishkeit without pushing them too hard. It’s a very challenging job as a Rebbe and even more difficult as a parent.

It’s not really just about giving love. You can’t teach love! Hugging your children all the time won’t help them succeed in life. Sure, it’s very important to give them constant hugs and tell them how awesome they are. However, they need much more than that. Children need structure and discipline. Consequences are important, and good role models are one of the keys to success.

The fact is, as a Rebbe you have one main job. Put the “warmth” back into Yiddishkeit. When you teach a child Torah, you should do it with a smile. Chumash shouldn’t be taught as a subject, rather as a life lesson. Davening isn’t a requirement, it’s a way to communicate with Hashem. Halacha isn’t a burden, rather it’s a way of establishing our identity.

As a Rebbe, you do have a responsibility, but it’s not to the parents or the administration. It’s to the children in your class. You have to give over a love of Yiddishkeit while simultaneously giving over the skills these Bnai Torah will need for this year, the next year, and for life. If every Rebbe realized that they have the ability to shape the future of each one of their Talmidim, it would be fantastic.  Here are a few things to keep in mind every day.

There is nothing wrong with telling off a student, but there’s a right and wrong way to do it. You can act upset, and you can even give a consequence. However, that child must know that you still think he’s a wonderful Ben Torah. I like to walk over to any student that I disciplined and whisper, “You know that you’re awesome right? We all make mistakes, and I’m sure it won’t happen again!”

Learning Torah is key. Children love to accomplish. One of the biggest mistakes many Mechanchim make is not pushing the kids enough. With all the distraction going on in the world, many children LOVE to accomplish something real. I like to hit the ground running, so on the first day, I spend almost the entire day learning.  At the end of the day, I tell them, “Do you realize how much you boys accomplished in 4 hours? You’re all so amazing!” Even the ones that don’t understand the learning, still appreciate that they were involved. Actually, those kids are the ones I like to reassure. I’ll go over to an obviously weaker student (every Rebbe or teacher can usually spot them in the first ten minutes) and say “You were a huge part of our day today! Thanks!” 

Nevertheless, there are some days that you have to change it up a little bit. If the class is off, I can assure you that they won’t be able to focus very well. Is it snowing? Is it very hot outside? Whatever the reason, it’s a great opportunity to teach some impressionable minds what it means to be flexible. You can tell them, “I was going to teach these Pesukim and Rashis, but instead I want to tell you an amazing story about what happened to me.” Share with them any story that you feel imparts a life lesson.  Not only will they appreciate that you understand them, but they’ll probably pay close attention to what you’re saying.

One last thing that’s super important to understand. Calling a parent shouldn’t be reserved only for issues. Actually, it should probably be the opposite. When these kids get home, it’s been a long day. Their parents probably also had a long day, and this can be a real recipe for disaster. What would happen if you call the mother of a struggling student and tell her that her son is the greatest kid? Can you just imagine the smile and the happiness it’ll bring to her and her kids? I assure you that when he comes into class the next day, he’ll be so grateful. It doesn’t have to be a generic call. Every child has something special. Perhaps she held the door for a friend or picked up garbage that she didn’t drop. If you can’t find one positive thing in a child, you’re not looking hard enough!

There are many other things to keep in mind, but these are some of the crucial ones. To summarize, your goal as a Rebbe is to teach a lot of Torah, discipline the kids with love, show that Yiddishkeit is Gishmak, be flexible and read the room, and make sure the parents appreciate how awesome their kids are.

Hatzlacha Rabba and have a great Shabbos,

YR 
14 Comments
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    Rabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section.

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