It was a really nice wedding. The Chuppah was outdoors, as many are during this season. However, when the band began playing, the power suddenly cut out. As it turns out, using a bunch of extension cords is not a great idea.
I was near the band, as were approximately 25 other men. Some family members of mine were there as well. I did not know most of the people standing near me. One of the extensions cords was right where we were standing, and when the power cut out the first time, we all looked down to make sure we weren’t the guilty party. There was a girl standing near us, I’m guessing about 12 years old. She was wearing a gown, so I would assume she was family, and she was standing up front to get a better view of the Chuppah – though she wasn’t near the cord when the power blew. Standing near her was an obviously Jewish man. I’m not going to describe him because that would be generalizing. Suffice it to say, he looked the part. There was a popping sound when the power blew, and everything turned off. The guests were whispering since the ceremony was beginning, so there was an awkward silence when the music abruptly stopped. Then this man turned to the young girl and said loudly, and I quote, “Maybe, if the girls were on the women’s side, this wouldn’t happen!” The young girl’s face was crimson as she hurried away, stumbling past all the men. I did find out a few minutes later that someone wanted to smack the guy but was held back. No one else seemed to notice. I was floored. People looked down at their phones, obviously uncomfortable. Of course, I confronted this person. I was curious how he knew “why” things happen. That’s pretty incredible. More importantly, I wondered how he could embarrass someone. I won’t share what I told him. Suffice it to say, my blood was boiling for a while afterward. I wasn’t so upset because of what he said. Sadly, there are people in this world that make mistakes. What really bothered me, though, was that no one else stood up for her. Haven’t we, as a nation, learned the horrible price for ignoring other people’s embarrassment? Especially a child who was unable to stand up for herself? I asked one of the men who was next to him why he didn’t say something. He said, “Perhaps she was his daughter.” That would make it even worse. I shudder to think someone would embarrass their own child like that. To this girl I would say, I’m not sure if you were on the correct side. It seemed you were towards the front so you could watch the Chuppah. It doesn’t matter. No one has a right to embarrass you like that. This person was horribly wrong. I am sorry that I didn’t react loudly, I just didn’t want to make a further scene that would “shter” the Simcha. Please forgive us all for not standing up for you. To this man I would say, you need to speak to your Rav and find out how to do Teshuva. This is a serious Aveira, and I’m not sure how you’ll be able to track her down in order to beg her forgiveness. I wish upon you that ability to understand the danger of words. To the “not” innocent bystanders. Shame on all of you! What if it was your daughter? It’s never okay to stand by and watch someone get embarrassed. I hope that you replay this scene over and over in your heads. Perhaps this way, you’ll do the right thing next time. Only Simchos! Have a wonderful Shabbos. YR
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A few weeks ago, I ventured into the world of vaccinations. I’ve received over 2,400 email responses to that column, (written by approximately 350 people) and I wanted to address some of the questions this week. I’m thrilled that many readers have told me that they have since vaccinated their children. However, other readers were very unhappy with what I wrote. Since most of these people requested to remain anonymous, I will respect them. The questions below are all written exactly as I received them, although I copied and pasted smaller parts since some of the emails were over 6-pages long.
What gives you the right to discuss this issue? What are your qualifications? Shouldn't this discussion be left up to the experts? What makes parenting my territory? All of the answers I give are merely my opinions. There are times you might agree with what I write and there are times you might not. When in doubt, I ask others for advice or I research the question. In this case, I researched the information. It’s obvious that you don’t like my conclusion. If I had concluded that vaccinations were bad, you would have thought I was a genius and well-versed in this subject. Therefore, your issue is not with my opinion, rather with the fact that I came to a different conclusion than you did. Were you really neutral? It seems that you are pretty one-sided. I began the article hoping that you would tell the truth, and then you went ahead and agreed with the people who are scared to be honest with themselves. As I answered previously, the fact that you don’t agree with my response doesn’t mean I’m incorrect. Actually, I had been completely neutral. I researched everything from the credentials of the doctors on each side all the way to different websites and articles. I learned so much that I could give a detailed course that could satisfy either side. Unlike everyone that’s anti-vaccination, I actually analyzed all the information. I didn’t make a snap decision, and it took over a week before I was able to say with absolute certainty that everyone should be vaccinating. Are you aware that a bipartisan bill, requiring the government to compare the overall health of vaccinated vs non-vaccinated has been collecting dust since 2013? Who is afraid of the truth? Yes, I am aware. Many bills don’t make it through, mainly because some of them are just a waste of time. As per the site you wanted me to see, (link on the blog) here is the synopsis of the bill. “Although numerous studies have already found that there is no causal relationship between vaccination and autism, Bill Posey [R-FL8] introduced this bill to direct the National Institutes of Health (NIH) to conduct another study on the relationship between vaccination and autism and other chronic or neurological conditions. The bill cites the simultaneous rise in rates of childhood developmental disorders, such as autism, and an increase in the number of immunizations given to children. He claims, but falsely, that although individual vaccines undergo thorough testing, there is little study of the interaction between the combinations of modern vaccines. The bill lists it as the duty of government to maintain public confidence in public health programs by studying the interactions.” Let’s review. The site you wanted me to visit to verify this bill, states “falsely”. There is no connection between autism and vaccinations. I read so many articles that tried connecting the two, and the one thing they all have in common is that their information is falsified or incorrect. I state with absolute certainty – there is no connection between autism and vaccinations. To prove my point, many people that are anti-vaccination also don’t believe that the two are connected. When we take proper care of our bodies and don’t tamper with it, it can do wondrous things, including fighting the new plague-measles (1/500,000 deaths in the US). And although there’s a lot I don’t know, something in me tells me that we don’t need 72 vaccines (by the time we reach 18 years of age) in order to survive. And so, some people who have that same gut feeling like me, have made an informed decision that measles, a once-typical childhood disease has fewer risks and actually greater benefits than the vaccine created to prevent it. When you start making up numbers, it really hurts your argument. That number (72) is not close to being accurate. I can’t answer for other vaccinations since I didn’t study them. The reason that measles has been kept in check is because people were vaccinating. It’s ludicrous to call measles a “once-typical childhood disease.” Thousands of people have died from it! Let’s look at some other facts while we’re doing this. As per the CDC, 123 people died from measles within 3 years, the majority of whom were small children. Here’s some more information. Of the 764 cases in 2019, the bulk were in Orthodox Jewish communities. To be accurate, the adults didn’t usually die. They simply passed it onto children. Those children died. How about the Jewish person from NY who went fundraising in MI without being vaccinated? He infected 38 people. We don’t have the statistics regarding the end result since we’re trying to protect this person. There is no doubt that the vaccine stops the spread of measles. Instead of doing a Google search to verify your incorrect information, try doing some unbiased research. This much I can tell you. One death from measles is too much. We can prevent it. If vaccines are safe, why did the USA Government vaccine already pay out over four billion dollars and vaccine damage and death admitting they damage and kill? Again, this is taking things out of context. Did you know that automobile manufacturers have paid over $90 billion dollars (might be off a few billion either way) in compensation to people? Cars also kill and damage. Perhaps people shouldn’t use cars anymore? It’s a ridiculous statement, and you got your information directly from the HRSA which is actually pro-vaccination. Here’s a quote from their site. “In the majority of cases, vaccines cause no side effects, however, they can occur, as with any medication—but most are mild. Very rarely, people experience more serious side effects, like allergic reactions.” Furthermore, of the $4 billion dollars you mentioned, almost $300 million went to lawyers, and that includes all vaccinations since they kept records. Let’s look at some real data. In approximately eleven years, there were 101,501,714 inoculations of the MMR vaccine. 120 of those doses caused an allergic reaction, for which they received compensation. Two of those cases ended in death. (1 in over 50,000,000 – pretty amazing odds) Many of the cases that ended in compensation were simply allergic reactions in which it was proved that the MMR vaccine caused a severe rash. Quite simply, it’s a lawsuit. Would you like to guess how many lawsuits are being filed daily in NYS? This argument is quite trivial. The court admits that vaccines can cause injury or death in a minuscule percentage of the population. Peanut butter causes more deaths. Are you as careful not to eat nuts around children? If vaccines are so safe please show us ONE proper double-blind placebo safety study on any childhood vaccine. Robert F Kennedy will give you $100,000 if you can do so, please back up your trust in vaccines with real scientific evidence, not fake news that can be found with Google put out by Pharma-funded fake health sites, and pharma-funded fake studies. REAL science. Your information is incorrect. Robert F Kennedy Jr., along with Robert DeNiro, have offered $100,000 if anyone can prove that the preservative Thimerosal, an aluminum-based additive which is used in some medications, is safe. No one cares to try, because it’s understood that whatever studies are done will be called “insufficient.” But here’s some information you may not know. The MMR vaccine we’re discussing doesn’t have Thimerosal. Neither does the chickenpox, polio or other common children’s vaccinations. There are those that say the injected aluminum inside our bodies doesn’t break down as well as ingested aluminum. Many studies have proven them wrong. Yes, there can be slight side effects in some people. Because of those effects (which were minuscule), Thimerosal was removed from all US vaccines in 2001. No one will ever get the reward money because the people who are offering it will never agree. There will always be a loophole. That’s why no one cares. Besides, Robert DeNiro? That’s who you’re aligning with? I've spoken to the rabbis who call us "rotzchim". How do they get to that point? Easy - they forget that they are susceptible to the influences of Galus Edom - just like Eisav was the quintessential talmid chacham - in his head, but he did not create the bridge to his heart - the middos….this galus seduces people to ignore what really makes a person wise and great - their middos and integrity....instead they all honor and kowtow to superficial credentials. So these well respected and distinguished rabbanim and roshei yeshiva that I contacted - quite a number – sadly - spoke down to me with arrogance and disdain. They refused to hear anything and waved their hands as if I was wasting their precious time. The vaccine issue is not about doctors or rabbis - it's about emes. Wow. OK, I’ll take a shot at this. I won’t make fun of you. I won’t look at you with disdain or arrogance. However, I do worry about you. Dr. Shultz wrote a comic strip that showed Charlie Brown looking at a chalkboard and commenting on how dark it was outside. You’re not looking at this objectively and therefore can’t understand the issue. It’s not us against them. It’s us. We’re all together. Everyone in the world. We want to eradicate a disease. There might be a few people who will experience side effects. Nonetheless, it’s worth it. If people would stop beating their drums about this and focus on real issues, it would be amazing. If you want Emes, here goes. Vaccination not only can save your life, but the life of a child that is too young to vaccinate. If the CDC really didn’t care about us, they would recommend newborns receive the MMR. However, it’s not safe for kids that young, and surprisingly the CDC won’t allow a vaccination that’s unsafe. There’s your Emes Veyatziv! Rabbi Ross, you think vaccines are safe? I can prove you wrong. According to the US Supreme Court, vaccines are "unavoidably unsafe" as a legal terminology. How does that fit in with your article? You are one of over 50 people that wrote this. Again, it’s incorrect. It speaks volumes when everyone keeps parroting false information and using it as a definite proof. Here’s the correct information. The Supreme Court has never held or decided, or even affirmatively stated as a proposition of medical fact, that vaccines are “unavoidably unsafe.” Those who make this incorrect assertion have misread or misstated the Supreme Court’s decision in Bruesewitz v Wyeth, LLC, decided in 2011. I won’t bore you with the details, but I read the entire brief. In layman’s terms, there was a point that was being made regarding the ability to sue manufacturers in case of injury. It’s not in the best interests of the CDC to allow lawsuits out of vaccine court, since it would cause companies to stop trying to find cures to remove the risk. In order to institute this key clause, there was a certain language that was used. Comment “K” in this brief states, in effect, that you can’t sue for product liability for “unavoidably unsafe products,” meaning if there is no way to make the product safe or make a better-designed product. Therefore, the terminology wasn’t even used by the Supreme Court, rather by a member of Congress, and it was meant as proof that vaccines were as safe as possible. Do you truly believe that vaccines are 100% safe? Do you honestly believe that there are no side effects that we’re unaware of? Do you consider these things healthy? No, I don’t think vaccines are healthy. I’m sure that putting chemicals and other things into my body isn’t the best thing for my health. Do you know what else is really dangerous? Chemotherapy. It’s horrible for the body. Why do people undergo chemo? The answer is, because it’s a necessary evil. I would rather put some chemicals that have been proven to be safe into my body rather than risk seriously hurting myself, my children and others. It’s crazy to assume that everyone that vaccinates thinks they’re perfectly healthy. It’s something we do because we understand that the pros outweigh the cons. What’s infuriating is when people say that measles is largely eradicated. That’s because of the vaccines! Are there side effects? I’m sure there might be. Although it’s not for this article, I have some interesting thoughts on some issues that have arisen over the past few decades that might be connected. Nevertheless, I vaccinated my kids. I’m vaccinated. At the very least, you should do a thorough reading of the easy-to-read and information packed “A Risk/Reward View of Vaccines,” available at www.rodefshalom613.org, that addresses the issue as it affects the frum community and contains loads of links and references that should be checked out too. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I read through this entire PDF before I wrote my original article. I checked and double checked the sources. Here’s what I learned. The one who wrote this is not unbiased, and I don’t believe that he actually vaccinates his children. When I did my research, I used similar sources. This person is only quoting sources that put vaccinations in a negative light. It’s easy to do that. Here’s an example. On page 23, this person writes, ostensibly quoting the CDC, “The average number of US measles death annually in the 5 years prior to the introduction of the measles vaccine was 432 which is 1 in 500,000.” Now, that doesn’t seem so bad. Let’s read what the CDC actually writes: “In 1912, measles became a nationally notifiable disease in the United States, requiring U.S. healthcare providers and laboratories to report all diagnosed cases. In the first decade of reporting, an average of 6,000 measles-related deaths were reported each year. Once people learned to be more careful, the death rate dropped significantly, although by no means was measles under control. In the decade before 1963 when a vaccine became available, nearly all children got measles by the time they were 15 years of age. It is estimated 3 to 4 million people in the United States were infected each year. Also, each year among reported cases, an estimated 400 to 500 people died, 48,000 were hospitalized, and 1,000 suffered encephalitis (swelling of the brain) from measles.” Something seems a bit off. If you look closely, you can see what he did. He manipulated the article and left out crucial information. First of all, he omitted the fact that there were an estimated 6,000 deaths annually from the measles before people were aware of the dangers. Now, in the 1950’s, technically, there were between 400 to 500 deaths a year. (I’m not sure where the number 432 came from.) However, that’s only reported cases. Many people weren’t reporting. We’re not done. Besides the deaths that were reported, there were 1,000 people per year who got encephalitis as a result of the measles and 48,000 people that were hospitalized each year from the measles. Again, this is from reported cases. Many doctors didn’t report these deaths properly. Now, I wonder, why didn’t this anonymous person mention this in his unbiased article? You can’t say because he didn’t trust the source since he used this source himself. The answer is, he’s manipulating data for his own cause. Once a person is manipulating data while pretending to be impartial, you need to realize that he’s not being honest. To make things more interesting, he writes things about our Gedolim that are completely taken out of context. He writes on the home page of the site, “R. Moshe said that trusting doctors is close to Avodah Zarah.” I checked the source and found the following. First of all, it wasn’t in Igros Moshe, rather in Mesoras Moshe, which was compiled by Rav Moshe’s grandson. Without going into detail, it’s not necessarily the words or exact writing of Rav Moshe. Second of all, what’s written has nothing to do with vaccinations! The topic isn’t appropriate for a family blog, but it’s discussing a doctor who is making a mistake. It must have been obvious to this anonymous writer that he was hoodwinking innocent readers. To this anonymous person I say, “You’re a dishonest person who is harming others. Hiding behind the shield of anonymity to deceive innocent Yidden isn’t called being Rodef Shalom. On the contrary, you are fostering Machlokes. Feel free to email me to discuss – I won’t mention your name without permission.” Why can’t you all leave us alone? You can all vaccinate, and we’ll be smart. Why do you all care? Let’s pretend that we all went on an airplane together. During the flight, I decided that I wanted to see the ground below, so I took a saw and began cutting a hole in the bottom of the airplane. Would you be ok with that? Certainly not! I’d be putting your life and everyone else on the airplane at risk. Similarly, your decision, in this case, has serious ramifications for all of us. Your inaction causes everyone to be at risk. I’m not even bringing Chillul Hashem into this. It’s plain and simple facts. People that don’t vaccinate have convinced themselves that they are the “oppressed” ones. It’s untrue. You’re just selfish. You don’t want to vaccinate and are causing others to be at risk. How would you feel if one of your kids got sick or worse Chas Vishalom from a vaccine? What will it take to make people realize the dangers vaccine cause? This was one of the “nicer” emails I received. One person actually threatened me if I didn’t issue a retraction. In any case, now that you’ve gotten this off of your chest, I want to explain something. Over twenty years ago, I was sitting with Rabbi Herzberg A”H and he was trying to take care of an issue with some parents. The issue was so childish that he looked sick. When he hung up the phone, he said to me, “Listen closely. There are times that no matter what you do or say, people will stubbornly cling to silly arguments. They will look at the sun and tell you it’s nighttime. Sometimes you need to let it go and move on.” The next day, I walked by his office, and I heard him begging one of the parties involved to be Mevater. Of course, I came inside and asked, “Didn’t you tell me that sometimes we need to move on?” He replied, “Yes. But how can I let a Jewish Neshomo do the wrong thing?” Similarly, I, Baruch Hashem, had many readers get vaccinations because of my previous article. The only reason I’m responding, is because everyone deserves to hear the truth. A few months ago, a few parents began e-mailing me, asking for me to help them prove that vaccinations are unsafe. I didn’t want to get involved until one father begged me to help him protect his children. I spent hundreds of hours doing research. I didn’t go online and do a quick search. I painstakingly and methodically went through everything I could find. Unlike the many people that claim to be 100% neutral, I really was. I went in with an open mind and came to the conclusion that vaccinations, and more specifically, the MMR vaccine, are necessary. During my exhaustive research, I discovered some truly fascinating information. I learned so much about Andrew Wakefield that I began to have nightmares about him. Del Bigtree is another person who I spent way too much time analyzing. They are both knowingly misleading many people. Why? It could be fame. Perhaps they are making money off this? I don’t really understand them. What I do understand is that they are intentionally deceiving others. What is obvious to me is that people that are anti-vaccination are now grasping at straws. The many questions that are being sent to me are mainly based on falsified or misleading information. I could have countered hundreds more of such disingenuous claims in this article, but I don’t have the time. Therefore, I’m ending this discussion. I will not allow any comments on the blog, and I will delete any e-mails that discuss this subject. I won’t even read them, so if you’re writing one it’s a waste of your time. I wish you all a wonderful Shabbos and Yom Tov. I hope that you do the right thing for your children, and for everyone else. Get vaccinated. YR Rabbi Ross. When putting my kids to bed, I’ve been following your advice and letting them read as opposed to playing electronic devices. Instead of going to the library, my son gets his reading material from his school’s library. My son goes to REDACTED, and they have a pretty decent library. In any case, I looked at the book my son was reading, and noticed that it was called “Big Nate”. I glanced at a page and was floored. The content was just disgusting, and the pictures not much better. My husband thinks that I’m being overly sensitive, but I think that this is horrible. Here are my questions. Is it ok for an eight-year-old boy to be reading this? How can schools allow this in their libraries? Am I being overly sensitive? NAME REDACTED
Thank you for your email. I understand that many of you don’t mind using your names, but frequently there are other people or places that need to give permission. The Yeshiva that you mentioned would not necessarily be OK with having their name mentioned. Furthermore, your son might not be ok with being mentioned since apparently, I have a lot of children reading this column. Each of the questions you asked really deserves its own response. Let’s go through them one at a time. Is it OK for an eight-year-old boy to be reading inappropriate reading material? Of course not. The real question is, what’s called inappropriate reading material? The answer is really not something that can be quantified in an e-mail. If you live a completely shielded lifestyle, I’m sure that many of the most basic books can be off limits. If you live in a very modern area and your children have easy access to television and/or internet, reading material is the least of your problems. It’s the people in between that have a tough call. The below response is for this middle group. I grew up reading Calvin and Hobbes. My kids read it as well. Although a few of the strips might be considered inappropriate either due to the content or the words, by and large it was a somewhat accurate portrayal of the psyche of an eight-year-old. I remember reading it in the paper when I was young, and now my kids & I laugh together when we read some of them. A Rebbe once told me that it’s completely inappropriate. I asked him what his kids read, and he told me that he had no clue, but it wasn’t Calvin and Hobbes. Personally, I’d rather have my children reading Calvin & Hobbes as opposed to not knowing what they’re reading. I won’t tell you the end of the story, but I can assure you that if he did it all over again, he might have chosen the silliness of Calvin & Hobbes over the material his son chose. These days, kids are reading a lot of material that’s questionable. There are certain parents that think Harry Potter became dark and morbid as the series ended, while others think it’s wonderful. The key word here, is parents. Parents need to know what their kids are reading, and possibly even read it themselves. I know that you’re not in the mood of reading 475 pages of a book called Fablehaven, but at the very least glance through it. You can also find reviews online by like-minded people which can help guide you. Once you know what it’s about, you can make a final determination. Don’t forget to factor in your children’s friends. If they’re all reading a book, it’s probably not so smart to forbid your child from reading it. He’ll probably read it anyway, either in school or possibly at a friend’s house. If the book really bothers you, I would suggest being open with your child. You can say, “I read the book you’re reading and I enjoyed it. However, there were parts during which the armadillo was using language that we don’t approve of. I’m ok with you reading it, as long as you understand that it’s not the way a Ben Torah speaks.” You mentioned Big Nate in your E-mail. I read part of a Big Nate along with another absolutely mind-numbing series called Captain Underpants. While the crude humor was specifically aimed at juvenile boys, they seem to enjoy it. I saw a few weird chapters and questionable pictures, but let’s be real. If your child has access to this book, he’s going to read it anyway. You can tell him that you’re not OK with the book in your house. If he takes it out of the Yeshiva Library, he can read it in school during recess. I’m assuming of course, that your reading material is 100% appropriate. If you think it’s ok for you to read adult novels but your kids can’t read Big Nate, you’re in for some fun parenting in a few years. Next question. How can schools allow this? It’s pretty simple. Schools bring in books that get kids reading. Some kids will gladly read a biography on Derek Jeter, and others might enjoy a history book. Most kids want the silly immature books. If there is a specific book that you feel is horribly inappropriate, simply send your school an e-mail and let them decide themselves. Many years ago, someone created a comprehensive list for the schools describing which books are appropriate, but it’s really not so simple. There is a lot more work that goes into running a school library then people appreciate. All the librarians want, is for your son to practice reading. (They also want your son to return his book when he’s done, but that’s a separate issue). Are you being overly sensitive? I don’t think so. It’s always scary to watch your children doing things that seem wrong. Nonetheless, sometimes parents need to take a step back and say “What was I doing when I was eight-years-old? Was it that much better?” Somehow you survived just fine. Being worried is a large part of parenting. Letting your kids grow is another large part. Again, if something seems really off in a book they’re reading, by all means tell them they can’t read it. However, remember to choose these battles wisely. Have a Great Shabbos! YR Driving in the 5 Towns on a Friday or Sunday afternoon is always a fun experience. The main roads are frequently clogged, and the melodious sounds of harmonizing horns gives a gentle reminder that the light has changed. Drivers look up from their phones just long enough to drive the next 4 blocks, and then dive right back in. Occasionally, a new driver will actually use his signal when turning, eliciting a confused gaze from other drivers.
The real fun begins when you drive down a side road. The open road results in people hitting dangerous speeds as they zip to the other end. And then you see it. A little boy or girl with a lemonade stand. They are watching the cars fly by, waiting, hoping that someone will stop. Will you be that person? It takes two minutes to bring a smile to a little child’s face. Usually the kids are collecting for their Yeshivos. I saw a girl raising money for BBY and a boy for Darchei. On one block I saw a gaggle of kids raising money for Chai Lifeline. It’s so beautiful. Not only are these wonderful children developing a great work ethic, they’re trying to help others. Is it that difficult to stop for a minute or two? They don’t just want your money. I saw a driver drop off a dollar and drive off. It was sweet, but disappointment clouded over the girl’s face. She wanted to make a sale, not get a handout. It’s the opposite of the entitlement that many millennials have. She wants to work hard and earn money. The next time you’re driving down a side road and see some kids selling lemonade, pull over. Watch how excited they get when you buy a cup. Tell them how thirsty you were, and that they saved the day. They will thank you. Their parents, who are watching nervously from the inside window, will thank you. Take a minute or two to appreciate a cold cup of lemonade. Then get back to the honking. Have a good Shabbos! YR Question: As a frum mother, I take issue with the many people who are judging me on a daily basis. I firmly believe that vaccinations are dangerous, and I have seen the studies and information firsthand. Yet, because others are ill-informed or misguided, they are excluding my children from activities and treating them like outcasts. One of my former good friends won’t allow my children to play with her children anymore because my kids aren’t vaccinated. It’s so silly; if they think vaccinations really help, why are they worried about us being vaccinated? They’re “protected!” I feel really bad for my kids and wish I could explain to them that I’m doing this because I love them so much. The issue is that my kids, ages 6, 9, and 13, are hearing false narratives and lies and they are so confused. How can I convince my children that I’m here to help? I’ll even put my name to this question. Name Redacted
Dear Readers,
One of the most popular questions I receive is: what are the most important things to know when starting a family? There are so many answers to that question. Making berachos out loud. Treating your spouse with respect. Washing the children’s hands in the morning right away. The list can go on and on. Looking back at the emails I’ve sent, it seems that my answers have changed slightly over the years. The general theme is the same: we need to lead by example. I have a new favorite answer. The first thing that all parents should know is Hatzalah’s number. The amount of times we see a Hatzalah ambulance go by every day, with its sirens blaring, is staggering. Many people stop and say a kapittel of Tehillim each time. Most of us already consider it a part of life. Until you need to call, chas v’shalom. Your son is gagging on some food. A door slammed on your daughter’s finger. One of your children got hit in the head by a hardball. I can keep going. If it’s hard for you to read, I can assure you that it’s terrifying when it happens. Do you know Hatzalah’s number by heart? Will you forget it in an emergency? Do you have the neon stickers on every phone, and on all cellphones? Every second counts in an emergency. You’ll be desperately waiting to hear the reassuring sound of the siren that signifies help is coming. I wasn’t asked to write this. There wasn’t even a specific event that convinced me how important Hatzalah is. I’ve called Hatzalah many times, and I always hope it’s the last time. Nevertheless, I have the stickers posted, and my kids must memorize Hatzalah’s number and our address. There are two things every parent should do.
YR One of the yearly traditions of this blog, is the Pesach Hints. I’ve modified a few since last year and added some new ones. Before you begin reading, there is one thing that I would like to share. One of the first questions people ask the morning after the Seder, is “When did your Seder end?” Many people consider this a remarkable achievement, finishing at 3:00 in the morning. One fellow told me that his crowning glory was when his teenage son told him “It’s time for Shema of the morning!”
I am completely baffled. Isn’t the Seder about teaching our children about Yetzias Mitzrayim? Many children have shared with me how bored they are during the Seder, and I feel bad for them and their parents. They are completely missing the point. If you disagree with me that’s fine, just ask your Rav for guidance. If you make your children the focal point of the Seder, they will have the most amazing night. As always, please don’t expect all of these to be helpful. Some might work great for your family, others not so much. If you have any other ideas to share, please email them to me. Thank you! It’s a great idea to have your younger ones take a nap on Erev Pesach. It won’t work if they’re all hyper, so giving them a book to read, and calling it “relaxing time”, might help. During relaxing time there are no electronic devices and no music. Kids don’t enjoy the Seder as much (and neither will you) when they’re overtired. If your child has a Haggada from school, take it away from them when they come home. Give it back to them at the Seder so they have something to entertain themselves with. Many children don’t know about the second Seder. It might be a good idea not to discuss it out loud. May of the younger kids will have a wonderful night for the first Seder, and can sleep through the second one. This will also give you the opportunity to focus on the older children during the second Seder. While keeping proper Shiurim is very important, it might be a good idea to consult with your Rav before arguing with your 11-year-old about how much Matzah she ate. Putting on skits with your spouse is always fun. You can even make teams, and see who can act out the story accurately. Sometimes, pairing off an adult with a child can make it more fun. This might be a bad idea if you or your spouse is fiercely competitive. A good question is better than a good answer. If your children ask a question, you don’t need to answer it right away. Simply say, “That’s a great question – can you come up with an answer yourself?” It makes them feel great, and occupies them as well. Try and keep everything age appropriate if possible. Four-year-old children will not sit through Maggid, and sixteen-year-olds may not want to sing Dayenu. You and your spouse can take turns going ahead in Maggid, while the other one engages the kids in fun discussions. This helps keep the Seder moving. Seating arguments? Who has the better pillow? It’s not worth getting aggravated. This special night only happens twice a year (or once in Eretz Yisrael). Do your very best to keep all the kids happy – even if they’re not being reasonable. Try and be as prepared as possible to make everything seem more exciting. Having the lettuce already divided into portions in Ziplock bags is a great idea! Once the kids are waiting for the Matzah or Marror to be measured, they start to lose interest. If you have age discrepancies, for example a fourteen-year-old and a five-year-old, it might be hard to find common ground. In this case, try splitting the table up. You can talk about Pharaoh to the younger one while your spouse listens to the Divrei Torah. When Yachatz arrives, it’s Afikomen time. Let your children hide it, and you find it. Don’t use the word steal. We don’t want to condone stealing of any sort. Rewarding the kids for questions and answers is a fantastic idea. Some parents give a small treat after their child has recited the Ma Nishtana. If you’re using food, try to stay away from candies as it hypes up the kids. The end result will be a few overtired and extremely hyperactive kids moving around their chairs at supersonic speeds while asking, “Are we there yet?” There’s a reason why children should not be drinking alcoholic beverages. It’s not safe. I don’t even think it’s a good idea to pretend to give them alcohol (putting grape juice in the wine bottle). Rather, give them a little bit on the bottom of their cups, and tell them when you they’re older, they can have a bit more. This one is for the dads. Most of the women I know are frantically preparing for Yom Tov by shopping, cooking, cleaning, shopping, cooking, watching kids and shopping. (When I say shopping, I’m not talking shoe shopping online. I’m talking about going to a supermarket with ten thousand other people, parking a mile away, and fighting for the last container of tomato sauce while simultaneously watching the three younger ones.) The Seder night is their chance to sit back and enjoy. Yes, we certainly want the kids to enjoy. However, we can impart a great lesson if we tell the kids, “Hey, I have an idea! Let’s help clean the table or help serve, so Mommy can feel like a free person also!” IY”H we will be able to spend this Pesach in Eretz Yisrael with the coming of Moshiach. My son is a wonderful boy (I know I’m biased) and is in 5th grade in Yeshiva. Recently he had been coming home unhappy and seems very down on himself. Not only that, but his Davening has taken a turn for the worse, and he mopes around the house in the morning and at night which he never used to do. I have a weird feeling that something is wrong but when I try talking to him he says “Everything is fine!” and walks away. My husband strongly feels we should bring him to the Rav or let his Rebbe from last year speak with him (they were very close). I want to bring him to a therapist. My mother who is very close with us feels that he’s just becoming a teenager and he’s fine. We agreed to follow your suggestion. Can you please weigh in? R.L.F. – Kew Gardens
Your question is one of the most common ones I receive. There are so many factors that can affect a child of this age, and some are serious while others are just a part of growing up. However, if you think that something is bothering your child, you should trust your gut. Before we discuss who should be talking to him, I would suggest finding out as much information as possible. Call the Rebbe and English teacher. Ask how he’s been doing, and if they noticed any recent changes in his behavior or work. Find out if anything is going on with any of his friends. Try and establish if there are any points of the day that seem to be more stressful than others. Is he more or less relaxed on Shabbos? This information can be very useful in helping determine the cause of his mood swings. The next step should be to have a talk with your son. This shouldn’t be a flippant conversation in the kitchen, you need to have your husband in the room and your son should have to come in and sit down. It shouldn’t be an attack on your son. Rather, you can explain to him that you love him and are concerned about certain behaviors. Explain in detail how his moods have changed. I wouldn’t bring up the Davening as a main point, but you can mention in passing that he seems “more distracted” than usual in Shul. If he is responsive, but doesn’t think it’s a big deal, in most cases it’s ok. The fact that he’s able to communicate with you implies that he is just going through puberty and needs some extra attention. Unless his behavior drastically changes for the worse, I would just keep an eye on him in this case. You might want to give him a one on one day with you, you’d be surprised how talkative kids get when they’re given a day off school. If, however, during the conversation he gets very defensive or shuts down, quickly stop and tell him it’s ok. Don’t make an issue out of it, and don’t start whispering with your husband when your son walks out. (kids hate that.) This isn’t something that you’ll be able to resolve, so you’ll need some outside help. Here are your choices.
I would like to mention one important thing. You need to tell your son that you’re bringing him to someone to talk to. Most kids don’t have a problem with this, especially once the therapist tells him that in most cases everything is confidential. However, you should never make it into a threat or say insulting remarks. Comments such as “Well, in that case we’re going to have to bring you to a shrink” or “Behaviors like this are why you need to see a doctor!” are hurtful and will lessen the therapist’s ability to help your child. Wishing you a wonderful & relaxing Chodesh Nissan, YR A Frelichin Purim! In honor of Purim next week, I’ve compiled an updated list of ten things your child would want you to know...in his/her own words.
YR Rabbi Ross. I live on a Frum block, and we have an issue maybe you can guide us with. On our block is a family that does not do a good job raising their kids. They let them have unlimited access on all electronics without filters, they allow them to stay up very late at nights, and these kids don’t even do well in school. A few of us have discussed this “Letoeles” and we need to do something. We are writing an anonymous letter and are trying to decide what to include as a first step. What do you think? S.K. Flatbush
I really debated responding publicly to your email, but I received enough similar questions to justify a public response. Living on a Frum block is amazing. You can run to your neighbor for a missing ingredient, and if the kids are in the same school, carpool is a cinch. The hard part can be raising your own children without being judged by everyone on the block. I understand and empathize with you, but there are two things that you wrote that I take issue with. The scariest words for me on Shabbos, are “Nisht Oif Shabbos Gerret, but…”, since it’s obvious that I’m about to hear something that isn’t appropriate for Shabbos. The scariest word during the week is “Letoeles”, since many people think it’s a word that gives us permission to speak about other people. It’s not. You need to ask your Rav before deciding that it’s permitted to speak to others about a third party. While I understand that you’re concerned and frustrated, speaking about other people is wrong. The second item I took issue with, is the anonymous letter. I heard that one of the Gedolim said years ago, “An anonymous letter is not worth the paper it’s written on.” I’ve been on the receiving end of such emails, and I just delete them without even reading them. If you can’t put your name on something, it shouldn’t be written. If you feel the need to tell these parents something, knock on their door and tell them how you feel (while being sensitive to their feelings). They’ll respect you for it, and you’ll save yourself, and them, a lot of heartache. As I mentioned earlier, there are pros and cons to being surrounded by other frum families. I don’t think it’s such a bad thing to have families that are different on the same block. It’s a great opportunity to be Mechanech your children. You can explain that there are different types of people, and Hashem loves each one of us. If your children ask why they get to stay up later, you can tell them every parent raises their children differently. Believe me, you’ll have your children comparing your parenting style to many others over the years. It doesn’t mean you have to change anything. Another thing to think about, is that you and your other neighbors are agreeing about the lack of parenting in this one family. What will happen if you and one of the these neighbors disagree about bedtime? How about if you want to allow your kids to watch a video that a different neighbor finds inappropriate. There will always be things that you’ll disagree about. Focusing on others’ parenting is a very dangerous game to play. On the flip side, there are times when people can use help parenting. If you see a mother making constant mistakes, there’s nothing wrong with giving helpful advice. We’re all in this together and sharing ideas in an appropriate fashion is usually appreciated. If you feel that it would be better if it came from a Rav, go for it. I would suggest not speaking to ANYONE about any perceived issues except for the Rav. I have heard stories about people that called family members to intervene. Not only did this cause serious family issues, it ended up backfiring horribly. A few quick thoughts about giving advice to parents. These tips would seem to be common sense, but I feel that it might be prudent to share them. 1) Any advice you want to share should be in a private venue. Never discuss these things publicly. 2) Giving advice isn’t helpful when people are upset. If you see a parent yelling at their child, you probably shouldn’t tell him not to yell while he’s upset. 3) It’s helpful to explain things from a third-party perspective. In other words, don’t tell someone “Yelling at your children can be counterproductive”. Rather, tell them that you heard someone explain the dangers of yelling uncontrollably at children. 4) Lastly, I would pick up a parenting or chinuch book from your local Judaica store, and give it to them. I would tell them, “I really enjoyed this book on parenting, and thought you might enjoy it. Wishing you Hatzlacha and a good Shabbos YR Rabbi Ross, is there a way to help my child who loves to take but refuses to give? He’s twelve years old and is my 3rd child with two older sisters and a younger brother. He has no problem when he’s taking anything, but when it comes time to give back, everything is an issue. I’m not even talking about the obvious facts that we feed, clothe and support him. We always buy him things that he wants and get not so much as a “thank you”. If we ask him to help out, he gets all annoyed and says, “I have a life you know!” Can you advise us? – Some very confused and frustrated parents in Woodmere.
Before I reply to your question, I would like to respond to a question that keeps coming up. On the online blog there is a comments section, and many people are wondering why their comments aren’t being approved. Typically, I allow one or two comments, and then I stop allowing anything else. Unfortunately, many of the comments being written are either Lashon Hora, contain inappropriate language, or are simply not nice. In order to approve them, I need to read each one carefully, and it’s extremely time consuming. I am working on a solution, and I apologize for the inconvenience. Keep in mind that if your comment is “short and sweet”, it’s more likely to be approved. Getting back to your question, there are a few issues that need to be addressed.
Perhaps you should stop giving him things until he learns to respond appropriately. This is true with a three-year-old and holds true with any age. However, I will not be discussing Hakoras Hatov in this response, since it deserves its own discussion. There is definitely a connection between thanking someone and being a giver, but they are still separate Middos. In this response, I’m going to focus on instilling in your children to give. These steps all can work, and they are in no particular order. The first step is to lead by example. When someone comes to your door collecting Tzedaka, be generous and don’t grumble “Another collector.” Make sure your son sees you being generous and happy for the opportunity to do a Mitzvah. Take him shopping with you and buy things for him and his siblings that they like. You could say, “Your sister really enjoys BBQ Pringles. Let’s buy her one”. Use the word “give” in everyday conversations. For example, “We received an invitation to your friend’s Bar Mitzvah. What should we give to him as a present?” The second step is to allow him to give. This is taking step one to the next level. Let him give the money to the person that’s collecting. Let him give the Pringles to his sister. Anytime something needs to be given to any of his siblings, or anyone else for that matter, let him be the one. The obvious goal is to get him used to giving. Giving to others is a great feeling, and hopefully he’ll get hooked. The third step is to discuss giving. These conversations should not be directly focused on him, but rather discussed during a family discussion, for example at the Shabbos table. Tell a story about a Gadol that gave to others or say a Dvar Torah that emphasizes giving. You want to make sure that you’re not dropping subtle hints that are directed at him. If he feels that you’re pushing him, he might resent it. The fourth step is to compliment him whenever he gives, no matter how insignificant it seems. It could be he’s giving something physical such as sharing one of his toys or books with a sibling. Possibly he’s giving of his time (“Can you watch your brother for a minute?”) In either case, give him a big smile and say, “Thank you so much for being so generous!” Or, “I noticed you gave your sister your cookie, that was very generous of you” etc. DON’T keep telling him why he should give. That will just irritate him and cause him to resent giving even more. Teaching children how to give must remain a positive lesson. It’s important to remember that certain Middos come easier to some children than others. Some children pop out of bed in the morning and some need to be prodded multiple times. You might have one child that loves to give, and a different one that refuses to. Make sure never to compare your children with comments like, “Your sister loves to share”, since that doesn’t help at all. You can consider this your (and their) challenge to learn to be a giver. Wishing you Hatzlacha and a Good Shabbos. YR Rabbi Ross. A common theme in your articles is choosing your battles. My husband and I are trying to figure out which battles are worth fighting so we can make the proper decisions. How do we know when to fight a battle and when to let something go? In case you were wondering, we have two girls ages 15, 11 and a 7year-old boy. Thank you for you Avodas Hakodesh. D.F. Far Rockaway
That’s a fair question, although I actually don’t need the ages or genders of your children to answer it. I do frequently say to choose your battles, and I think that choosing them wisely is one of the common denominators of good parenting. Actually, the word “battle” is incorrect, since the fact is, that you and your children are all on the same side. Nevertheless, there will be things that you will disagree about, and for the sake of simplicity we’ll call them battles. In my opinion, there are three types of battles you’ll end up fighting.
School battles are usually behavior or grade based. For example, if your child didn’t do well on his test or missed doing his homework a few times. These are important, since they not only affect his grades, but also teach him responsibility. You should be fighting most of these within reason. If he wants to have a friend over, play on his iPod, or anything else, he needs to have his homework done first. When there is an upcoming test, he should be studying. If he insists that he already knows the material, you can tell him as follows. “I’m ok with you not studying at all, however, if you don’t get above a 90%, you have to spend at least an hour studying with me for the next one.” (The test score and amount of time are obviously flexible and should be based on the child’s abilities.) It’s always a good idea to involve the school when necessary. It’s very important that children realize that that their parents and the school are in constant communication. Personal battles are the toughest of all three. Here are some examples of personal battles that I’ve seen parents fighting. Making beds, chewing with mouths open, babysitting siblings, bedtime, and so much more. It’s so hard to know when a battle is worth fighting, however I can share some tips that might help you decide.
Wishing you Hatzlacha and a good Shabbos. YR Rabbi Ross. I just came back from the doctor, and I’m shaking. He recommended that my son who’s in 2nd grade be medicated. He diagnosed him with ADHD and told me that it’ll take a while to figure out the correct dosage. I feel that he’s pushing medicine on my son as a way of controlling him. Isn’t it the Rebbe’s and teachers’ job to deal with this? You can reply to everyone, please leave my name off. Private – Cedarhurst
This is an excellent question, and I’ve received many similar ones over the past few years. The reason that I’ve been loath to reply is simply because every case is different. Therefore, please excuse me if this answer seems a bit vague. When I was a young boy I couldn’t sit still in class. I was unorganized and had the attention span of a flea. My teachers diagnosed me with a disease called “Ants in the pants.” They didn’t really have a solution, but my teachers used to give me some space. Sure, I was yelled at and even punished, but looking back, I think they were just confused. What do you do with a child that can’t seem to focus? Nowadays, Rebbeim and teachers are much more understanding. We are trained better and have more support from the administration. I vividly remember going to Rabbi Herzberg A”H in 1998 and asking what to do about a boy that couldn’t focus on any topic for more than 15 minutes. He replied, “If this was your son, what would you do?” “Well, I guess I would break down the subject into 15-minute increments.” He replied, “Great. He is yours. Make it work.” My first solution was to stop learning every 10-15 minutes and shmooze with the boys about something for a short while. The problem was, the other boys were losing out. Therefore, I began sending him out of class on errands, for example, to get copies. That worked much better since the other boys had fewer interruptions. Nowadays, that solution rarely works, since there isn’t only one boy with ADHD in a class, there can be quite a few of them! Now, let’s look at your question. You felt that the doctor was pushing medicine on your child. I have known certain doctors that were quick to medicate. That’s why it’s important to get a second opinion if you feel that way. Most doctors are very honest and are looking out for your child, and if they suggest medicating, they must feel that it’s necessary. As a general rule, if your child is learning well in school, has friends, and the main issue is his or her behavior at home, I would hold off for a bit. This might not be that easy. If your child truly has ADHD, after a long day at school he can really get out of control. He’ll need to unwind and might be very difficult at home. Still, if you can manage it, it might be worth the effort. However, if your child is disruptive in school, falling behind in his schoolwork, or is completely unmanageable at home, he should be medicated. There are many amazing options these days, and they can really help your child. He will be able to focus better, learn better, and will even behave better. Since every child is different, it can take some time for the doctor to find the proper dose, and he will probably want to speak to the Rebbe or teacher for their input as well. I want to reiterate that every child is different. There are some kids that can deal with ADHD or OCD without any help, and others that need all the help they can get. If your child needs medicine and you don’t let them have it, you’re not helping them at all. On the other hand, if your son is just a little rambunctious and you quickly medicate him, you’re not doing him any favors either. I would like to address the last point you made. It is certainly not the Rebbe’s or teacher’s job to deal exclusively with one child’s behavioral issues. We really do want every child to succeed. We do want to teach every child. However, we don’t want to babysit. You must understand that although discipline is a part of chinuch, it’s not something that we necessarily enjoy. When one child is constantly disrupting the class, it affects the education all of the other kids as well, and that’s not fair to them. Wishing you Hatzacha. YR My son is in 8th grade, and we are arguing about high school. He wants to go to REDACTED, and I feel that it’s not a great environment. The boys going there are not a good group, and we’re worried he’ll really fall apart. However, I want him going to a different local Yeshiva where some better boys are going. My husband disagrees and says he should go to an out-of-town Yeshiva. This has become somewhat of a sore point, and we need some input. We were hoping you can advise us a little bit since you are both an excellent Rebbe and a parenting expert, and you could shed some light on this situation. Thank you so much. K.D.
Thank you for your kind words. There is a famous story of a psychologist who wrote many parenting articles designed to teach parents to remain calm when dealing with children. Early one Sunday morning, a bunch of children were playing loudly in front of his house. He came running out of his house in his bathrobe screaming at them and wildly waving a cane at them. (This was obviously before the rise of cellphones, so this incident never went viral.) When confronted, this psychologist explained, “In theory, we should always talk calmly to our children. Realistically, I don’t have any, so I can preach away.” I only mention this story since you called me a parenting expert. I don’t believe there is such a thing as an expert in parenting. I’ve seen fantastic Rabbonim and well-known psychologists give courses on parenting, and yet they are unable to deal with their own children. At the same time, there are many typical families that have no issues at all with their children. Therefore, I’m very wary of the title “parenting expert”. My methodology on parenting is based on years of watching and listening to some wonderful people, ranging from Rabbonim to parents in the Yeshiva. In any case, your question is a very serious one. In my opinion, there are four main parts to choosing a high school.
The educational aspect is very important as well. You need to speak to current parents in the Yeshiva. What level are they learning on? If there are boys falling behind, what steps are taken to help them catch up? What AP classes do they offer? After 12th grade, where do the majority of boys go? The 3rd part was regarding the Rebbeim and teachers. What type of Rebbeim are in this Yeshiva. Do they focus on Middos? Do the Rebbeim have a Kesher with the Talmidim? Does the administration make time to talk to the parents? What is the turnover for the English department? High turnover is always cause for concern. The last part is, unfortunately, usually ignored by many parents. What does support at home have to do with High School? The answer is, everything! If your son is in a local Yeshiva, you need to be prepared. Carpool isn’t so much fun at 10:30 at night, but it will happen. Your son might come home some days stressed out. Starting at 7:30 and finishing more than 14 hours later can take a toll. He might need some downtime, which can be frustrating since you want to spend some time with him. If you feel that you might not be able to deal with this, an out-of-town Yeshiva is a great option. I always suggest that parents speak to the Menahel of their current Yeshiva and their Rav before making decisions. Many parents have started giving their 8th graders the choice, which I think is a horrible idea. You can ask them for their input, but they’re in 8th grade! They should not be making decisions of this magnitude. The one last point I would like to make is as follows. I heard from a very prominent person (I didn’t get his permission to quote publicly, so I can’t use his name yet), that if you have a stable home, you should keep your kids local. If there are any issues in the house, let them go to an out-of-town Yeshiva. It’s something to think about. Have a great Shabbos. YR Rabbi Ross. I know this may be a hard topic for you to discuss, but I would love to get your perspective. My son is in REDACTED grade, in REDACTED YESHIVA, and he’s having a waste of a year. It’s not that his Rebbe is doing a bad job, I just feel they’re not connecting this year. My son is going through the motions. He Davens and does OK in class, but I feel like he’s not gaining in Yiddishkeit. Call it mother’s intuition. Is there something I can do? Signed: REDACTED
I apologize for redacting so much in this email, but a lot of the information needed to be kept private. Your question is a very good one and is shared by many other mothers. I am not saying that fathers don’t feel that way, but mothers have a special understanding about their children, and can usually pick up the little vibes that the child is giving off. I know what you’re talking about. Your son doesn’t have that excitement that we dream about for our children. He doesn’t ever come home talking about what happened in class, or something special that he learned that day. He does his work like a robot, getting decent grades and participating just enough to get himself through the year. As a parent, this is so hard to watch. It’s even more difficult if your son had a great connection the year before. In a way it feels like he’s regressing, and you’re watching helplessly. The good news is, there is something you can do. Like everything else in life, there are no quick fixes. However, in many cases, this can be helped to some degree. I don’t think you’ll be able to completely change it around, but you can certainly alleviate the problem somewhat, and make the year a bit more exciting. The first thing you need to do, is meet with the Rebbe. This shouldn’t be a phone call or an email. You need to meet in person, and preferably with your spouse. If the Rebbe asks what the meeting is about, you should tell him, “My son’s future”. You don’t need, or even necessarily want, any administration at the meeting. In some Yeshivos, the administration will offer to come. You can simply tell them, “I would like to straighten out the issue with the Rebbe before involving administration, if possible.” The tone of the meeting is very important. You don’t want the Rebbe to be on the defensive. You’re simply trying to ascertain what you can all do to give your son the excitement that he craves. Don’t focus on, or even bring up, how amazing the last year was, it’s not relevant. You want to discuss what can be done to make this year more meaningful. Let the Rebbe know what he likes and dislikes. Who his friends are, and which boys he’s not as comfortable with. Hopefully, this will help out. If not, you need to have a discussion with the Menahel. Again, you need to make clear that this isn’t a personal attack on the Rebbe. Your job as a mother is to look out for your child. Rabbi Herzberg Z”L used to always reiterate that every Yeshiva has certain responsibilities. One of them is to make sure that any mother who’s worried for her child has a voice. Explain to the Menahel why you think your son is not as motivated as he had been. Give him as much information as possible. There are many times that the Menahel will have a solution that you didn’t even think of. Their job description includes coming up with solutions for issues like this, and it’s a smart move to hear him out. He might ask for a few days to think about it, which is fine. You need to understand that he’s on your side and is looking out for your son’s best interest. If you still feel that it’s not resolved, you need to take a step back. Is it worth making this into a big issue, if your son is still learning well? It might not be. If the Menahel feels that you should let it go for the year, or give it a few more weeks, that’s okay. If, however, you feel that it’s going to have a serious affect on him, then you should get in touch with your Rav and ask for his guidance. There are a few other things I would like to share on this subject. We’re very quick to blame the Rebbe for a boy not being motivated. There are many other things that can cause a boy to become withdrawn. Sometimes, having him speak to a qualified therapist is a good idea. Just because there is a parallel class doesn’t mean he should switch to it. Frequently, this causes more harm than good, and it also teaches your child that if there’s a problem, he can always just move away, rather than confront it. That’s not a great life lesson. Having an older boy in the neighborhood mentor your son is a great idea. Find a boy that your son looks up to. Make sure this boy is a good role model. It shouldn’t be too expensive, and it can really help reignite the spark. You should not discuss this problem with other parents in the class. This usually becomes a “Rebbe- bashing symposium” and is Loshon Hara. Certainly, this should not go on a chat. Writing, “Does anyone else find that their son is missing an excitement about Yiddishkeit?” is a huge mistake and will hurt a lot of people. This might sound clichéd, but Daven a little extra for this child. Sometimes, kids also fall into a rut, and need an extra push. Davening for them is a great way to help. Lastly, it’s okay to have a mommy/son afternoon, even during school. It shouldn’t be a common occurrence, and it should not include serious discussions. You’re just letting him know that you love him. Wishing you Hatzlacha. YR Rabbi Ross. I know this may be a hard topic for you to discuss, but I would love to get your perspective. My son is in REDACTED grade, in REDACTED YESHIVA, and he’s having a waste of a year. It’s not that his Rebbe is doing a bad job, I just feel they’re not connecting this year. My son is going through the motions. He Davens and does OK in class, but I feel like he’s not gaining in Yiddishkeit. Call it mother’s intuition. Is there something I can do? Signed: REDACTED I apologize for redacting so much in this email, but a lot of the information needed to be kept private. Your question is a very good one and is shared by many other mothers. I am not saying that fathers don’t feel that way, but mothers have a special understanding about their children, and can usually pick up the little vibes that the child is giving off. I know what you’re talking about. Your son doesn’t have that excitement that we dream about for our children. He doesn’t ever come home talking about what happened in class, or something special that he learned that day. He does his work like a robot, getting decent grades and participating just enough to get himself through the year. As a parent, this is so hard to watch. It’s even more difficult if your son had a great connection the year before. In a way it feels like he’s regressing, and you’re watching helplessly. The good news is, there is something you can do. Like everything else in life, there are no quick fixes. However, in many cases, this can be helped to some degree. I don’t think you’ll be able to completely change it around, but you can certainly alleviate the problem somewhat, and make the year a bit more exciting. The first thing you need to do, is meet with the Rebbe. This shouldn’t be a phone call or an email. You need to meet in person, and preferably with your spouse. If the Rebbe asks what the meeting is about, you should tell him, “My son’s future”. You don’t need, or even necessarily want, any administration at the meeting. In some Yeshivos, the administration will offer to come. You can simply tell them, “I would like to straighten out the issue with the Rebbe before involving administration, if possible.” The tone of the meeting is vey important. You don’t want the Rebbe to be on the defensive. You’re simply trying to ascertain what you can all do to give your son the excitement that he craves. Don’t focus on, or even bring up, how amazing the last year was, it’s not relevant. You want to discuss what can be done to make this year more meaningful. Let the Rebbe know what he likes and dislikes. Who his friends are, and which boys he’s not as comfortable with. Hopefully, this will help out. If not, you need to have a discussion with the Menahel. Again, you need to make clear that this isn’t a personal attack on the Rebbe. Your job as a mother is to look out for your child. Rabbi Herzberg Z”L used to always reiterate that every Yeshiva has certain responsibilities. One of them is to make sure that any mother who’s worried for her child has a voice. Explain to the Menahel why you think your son is not as motivated as he had been. Give him as much information as possible. There are many times that the Menahel will have a solution that you didn’t even think of. Their job description includes coming up with solutions for issues like this, and it’s a smart move to hear him out. He might ask for a few days to think about it, which is fine. You need to understand that he’s on your side and is looking out for your son’s best interest. If you still feel that it’s not resolved, you need to take a step back. Is it worth making this into a big issue, if your son is still learning well? It might not be. If the Menahel feels that you should let it go for the year, or give it a few more weeks, that’s okay. If, however, you feel that it’s going to have a serious affect on him, then you should get in touch with your Rav and ask for his guidance. There are a few other things I would like to share on this subject. We’re very quick to blame the Rebbe for a boy not being motivated. There are many other things that can cause a boy to become withdrawn. Sometimes, having him speak to a qualified therapist is a good idea. Just because there is a parallel class doesn’t mean he should switch to it. Frequently, this causes more harm than good, and it also teaches your child that if there’s a problem, he can always just move away, rather than confront it. That’s not a great life lesson. Having an older boy in the neighborhood mentor your son is a great idea. Find a boy that your son looks up to. Make sure this boy is a good role model. It shouldn’t be too expensive, and it can really help reignite the spark. You should not discuss this problem with other parents in the class. This usually becomes a “Rebbe- bashing symposium” and is Loshon Hara. Certainly, this should not go on a chat. Writing, “Does anyone else find that their son is missing an excitement about Yiddishkeit?” is a huge mistake and will hurt a lot of people. This might sound clichéd, but Daven a little extra for this child. Sometimes, kids also fall into a rut, and need an extra push. Davening for them is a great way to help. Lastly, it’s okay to have a mommy/son afternoon, even during school. It shouldn’t be a common occurrence, and it should not include serious discussions. You’re just letting him know that you love him. Wishing you Hatzlacha. YR Rabbi Ross. My boys have fallen prey to a game called fortnight. I’m not sure what the game is, but they are always playing, and they insist that all of their friends are also. Oddly enough, they’re kind of right. When I called other parents, they seemed helpless in the face of this game. I don’t want to be the bad mother, but I think my children need to stop playing. What should we do? Chaya - Flatbush
Yes, I’ve heard of Fortnite. It’s a video game that many people play, and it works on PlayStation, Xbox, Windows, Mac, iPhones and even Android phones. Before we discuss your issue, I want to explain something. The first mistake that many parents make, is not understanding the games their children play. Would you let your child hang out with a friend that you’ve never heard of? Would you send your child to a playgroup without vetting it properly? Of course not! I’m not sure how parents could just allow kids to play any game without checking into it. One father told me, “If so many kids are playing, it’s probably ok.” That’s ridiculous! I know of a family that allowed their children unrestricted access to the game Clash of Clans. A few weeks later, they found out that their kids were talking with other players in a chat room of some sort. I saw a transcript of the conversation, and it’s the type of thing parents have nightmares about. Let this be a lesson to all parents. Before allowing your children to play any game, make sure that you understand it yourself. If you are incapable, ask someone who does understand the game. Let’s get back to Fortnite. This is a game that pits players against other players. There are treasures, surprises, rewards, and many other concepts that appeal not only to children but even to many adults. It’s a game with a lot of violence, although it’s less gory than similar games, and it has more of a cartoonish vibe. Players can chat with strangers, although most boys play with friends. Most importantly, this game is extremely addictive. Furthermore, when a player gets out, they can see how their opponent was doing. This motivates them to try again since they were “so close” to winning. A 6th-grade boy told me recently that the hardest part about Shabbos is that he can’t play Fortnite. It’s quite scary if you think about it. I can assure you that a lot of money went into developing this game, and boy, is it working. In March of 2018, the game made $296 million dollars! These developers will do whatever they can to keep the kids playing. Now that you have a better understanding of the game, we can discuss how to wean children off of it. Obviously, some of the ideas listed here might work, and others won’t. If you have any other ideas, please comment below or send me an email. These ideas are designed to stop your child from playing Fortnite, not from using electronic devices. That’s an entirely different discussion. Obviously, many people reading this are thinking, “What’s the big deal? Take away their phones or devices or just delete the game!” If only it were that easy. Some parents have a strong relationship with their children and can get away with this. If it’s a viable option, go for it! However, many parents cannot. When I used the word addiction to describe this game, I wasn’t using it lightly. There are many children that are completely enveloped in the game. Parents all around the world have thrown in the towel and are at wit's end. These suggestions are for the parents that don’t know what to do.
YR I remember being excited and nervous at the same time. Rabbi Moshe Shonek, a rebbe and a close friend, had set me up to be interviewed for an open rebbe position in the Yeshiva of South Shore. As I walked into the office of the menahel, I was in awe. There was an aura of power emanating from him, yet at the same time a smile was on his face. “Sit down,” he told me. I was sitting across from Rabbi Chanina Herzberg. He stared at me intently for a minute, searching my eyes. He was able to read anyone, and I was no exception.
“Why do you want to be a rebbe?” he asked gently as he leaned back in his chair. That was how the interview began. The next question he asked was, “Who is your role model?” When I told him that it was my neighbor, Rav Yechiel Perr, the rosh yeshiva of Yeshiva of Far Rockaway, he seemed satisfied. A few days later, I signed a contract and began my career as a rebbe. I was now the seventh-grade rebbe in the Yeshiva of South Shore, working parallel to Rabbi Shmuel Judowitz. The first day was terrifying. I was just turning twenty years old, and I was teaching boys who were 12 and 13 years old. The fact that I looked really young wasn’t helpful, and my stomach was on a roller-coaster ride. I sat in my chair, the rebbe’s chair, and looked at the clock. It wasn’t even 7 a.m. yet, and I was like a little kid waiting for school to start. I walked downstairs and strolled through the hallway. After a few minutes, I realized that the light was on inside Rabbi Herzberg’s office. I approached the office and saw the door was wide open. He looked up and motioned me inside. It was my second time in the office, and I remember being scared. I hadn’t done anything wrong, but being in the menahel’s office was never a good thing for me. Rabbi Herzberg looked up at me and said, “You’re going to make a mistake today.” I froze. What mistake could I be making? I hadn’t started teaching yet! “A good rebbe makes mistakes every day,” he continued. “A great rebbe makes new mistakes every day.” My mind was going a mile a minute. He continued, “Are you a good rebbe or a great rebbe?” He went back to his sefer. His desk was an organized mess with sefarim, papers from Yeshiva, and pictures of his talmidim and family. Somehow, he knew where everything was. I left his office and walked back upstairs. He was 100 percent correct — I did make a mistake that day. However, I only made new mistakes. A few days after Yeshiva began, I met Rav Mordechai Kamenetzky walking in the hallway. I decided to ask him if he had any advice for me, and he characteristically replied, “Listen to Rabbi Herzberg.” So I did. I spent hours in his office every week after I finished teaching. I watched as rebbeim came and went, parents came and went, and, my favorite, the talmidim came and went. Unless the matter was private, he let me sit in, and I learned some amazing things. I saw a mother crying that her son wasn’t happy. He told me, “Any time a mother cries over her children, you need to take her seriously.” A rebbe came in complaining that a boy in his class belonged in the other track. Rabbi Herzberg made the switch immediately. “Do you agree with me?” he asked afterwards. “Why not get the boy extra help before switching him?” I wondered. “The boy would have been fine in this class,” he replied. “However, the rebbe didn’t want him in the class, and it’s not good for a talmid to be in a class if the rebbe doesn’t want him.” Monika’s notebook can bear witness to the sheer volume of calls and meetings he would have every day. However, if someone had a problem, he would always take the time to listen and discuss. His views were actually years ahead of his time. Twenty years ago, he would tell parents to focus on giving their children a love for Yiddishkeit and not worry about the grades. That wasn’t the going mentality back then. He had tremendous respect for our rosh yeshiva, Rav Binyomin Kamenetzky, zt’l, and his son Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky, shlita, our current rosh yeshiva. There was one time I was sitting with him and a rebbe walked in very frustrated. There was a new boy in his class who had a lot of issues, and the rebbe was really upset. The rebbe also complained about the fact that the rosh yeshiva accepted the boy in the first place. Rabbi Herzberg’s eyes narrowed, and he said to the rebbe, “Do you have a problem with how he runs the Yeshiva? What if this boy he accepted needs this yeshiva?” When the rebbe left, he tuned to me and said, “If they want to complain about me, that’s not a problem, but they’d better not complain about R’ Kamenetzky!” On cold days, I would sometimes arrive in Yeshiva without a coat. He would walk over to me and loudly exclaim, “Where’s your coat?!” I tried explaining that I wasn’t cold, but he wouldn’t listen. “You’ll get sick without a coat!” He wasn’t joking. He didn’t want me to get sick. I remember that many years ago, the eighth grade was going on a graduation trip and the coach bus had arrived. The boys were all excited and lining up to get on the bus, and there was Rabbi Herzberg, examining the tires. When it came to the safety of others, there was no compromising. I had the z’chus of being his chauffeur quite a few times. We drove to many bar mitzvahs together, to a graduation trip, and even to Yeshiva on some occasions. Our conversations consisted of stories about his rebbe, R’ Freifeld, sharing advice on chinuch, and explaining the proper way to treat people. I always enjoyed these drives, but after we got out of the car he would always turn and say, “Thank you.” It wasn’t a simple gesture; he wholeheartedly meant it. Anyone who knew Rabbi Herzberg could tell you that his hakaras ha’tov was second to none. No matter what you did for him, he would always thank you. At the South Shore dinner many years ago, the bus that was taking the choir to the dinner didn’t show up. I arranged transportation with a different company and it all worked out. The next day I got a message to go to his office. Of course, I began thinking what I did wrong over the past week, but when I came in he simply said, “Thank you for last night.” I can’t remember doing any favor for him and not getting thanked. It wasn’t just words; it was genuine hakaras ha’tov. He understood and appreciated everything that was done for him. His advice on marriage was simple yet powerful. He would look at me and say, “Listen to your wife.” That was all. He followed the same rule. When his cellphone would ring (not a smartphone) while talking with someone, he would flip it open and say hello. Almost always, he would listen for a second, and then say, “I’m with someone; please call me back later.” However, if it was his wife, he would motion to whoever was there to wait a minute and he would listen to what she was saying. Rabbi Herzberg loved the music from years back and would frequently stop by our classroom to join in as we sang after davening. Many of my talmidim will remember affectionately that he would join us for the high part of “Bi’l’vavi.” His powerful voice would take over and he would become completely engrossed in the song. The boys would just stare at him as he sang along. When his youngest son Yudi was in my seventh-grade class, the class decided to join together to buy me a present. They ended up buying me a silver Kiddush cup. Rabbi Herzberg called me in and told me that he and his wife had been involved in choosing it for me, and he told me to use it on Friday night. “Using a gift from your class is a constant reminder of the effect you’ve had on your talmidim.” I still use that Kiddush cup every Friday night. For years I would call Rabbi Herzberg whenever I had a chinuch question, and he would discuss it with me in detail. When I told him a few years ago that I was starting a parenting advice column, he was very excited for me. He did point out with a smile that the ones who truly need the advice are not the ones who would read it. He also had a great sense of humor. Many years ago, there was a father who would come to the Yeshiva and complain about everything. Rabbi Herzberg would listen patiently and let him rant. One Sunday morning, when the man finished complaining, Rabbi Herzberg turned to me and asked with a chuckle, “Why do you think he keeps complaining?” I decided to play the psychologist and responded, “Perhaps his mother didn’t hug him enough?” He laughed for a very long time, and said to me, “Why don’t you give him a hug and see how that works out?” There were a few things that really made him laugh. When boys were sent out of class years back, they were sent to his office. He loved talking with these boys and hearing their perspective on life. One time a third-grader came to his office, and Rabbi Herzberg asked him, “What did you do?” The boy responded, “Nothing yet — I just came to visit!” Rabbi Herzberg was laughing so hard there were tears running down his cheek. A little over a year ago I told him about a mother who was walking with her child on Central Avenue. She bumped into a telephone pole and said “excuse me” to the pole. He laughed for a minute but then told me, “Now I’m laughing. Tonight, I’ll be crying for these poor children.” I cherished the years we spent together when I was younger, and I know that a large part of my philosophy on parenting and teaching is based on his methodology. I wish that all of the newer rebbeim in the Yeshiva could have seen him twenty years ago. If they only knew the power that radiated from him when he walked into a room! He would take one look at a situation and figure out what to do and when to do it. Over the last few years, he would stay “achorai ha’pargud,” behind the curtains, as he told me, letting others take the lead as he watched carefully. When a rebbe once left the Yeshiva, I told him that this rebbe was irreplaceable. He turned to me and said, “Everyone who’s irreplaceable gets replaced. Remember that!” It made sense at the time, but we all know the truth. The position he held will be replaced, and the Yeshiva of South Shore will continue to be a makom Torah where thousands of kinderlach will develop a love of Torah and middos tovos. But Rabbi Herzberg will never be replaced. YR Dear Rabbi Ross. My son’s Rebbe called me up regarding an issue with my 5th grade son. Apparently, the Rebbe believes that my son has been taking some prizes from his desk without permission, and although he has no proof, he’s “confident” it was my son. My son told me that the Rebbe yelled at the class while staring directly at him. I don’t think my son steals, and he’s adamant that he’s innocent. What do you think? Name Redacted.
What do I think? I don’t know your son. Here’s what I can tell you. While learning *L’chanech B’Simcha with R’ Meir Yaakov Ackerman, an exceptional Rebbe in the Yeshiva of South Shore, we came across a similar question. The response given was in the form of a story. Many years ago, while officiating at a wedding, HaRav Avraham Pam zt”l saw that the Chosson was crying, and these tears didn’t seem to be tears of happiness. Rav Pam pulled him over and asked why he was crying. The following was his response: “Many years ago, when I was a young boy, a boy in my class brought in a small toy that I really liked. When no one was looking, I took the toy for myself. A short while later, the boy noticed the toy was missing, and told the Rebbe. Immediately, the Rebbe called the boys in and asked if anyone took the toy. I wasn’t going to admit what I did in front of everyone, so I was quiet. My Rebbe then told us he was going to search our knapsacks. While everyone was distracted, I took the toy and slipped it into a different boy’s knapsack. When the Rebbe found it, the boy insisted that he had not taken the toy, and he didn’t know how it got in his knapsack. The Rebbe called him a thief and a liar and sent him home. His parents were equally dismayed and told him that he was ruining the family name. One thing led to another, and this boy ended up developing serious issues. He ended up doing many things wrong (I will not list them in this article).” The Chosson then turned to Rav Pam and said, “How can I start my married life knowing that I ruined someone else’s life?” Rav Pam replied, “What you did was wrong, but you’ve done Teshuva. However, the blame for this boy’s downfall lies solely on the Rebbe. He is the one who caused it to happen and he needs to rectify this situation.” Rav Pam was one of the Gedolai Hador and was known to be an advocate for Rebbeim. Additionally, he believed that being a Rebbe required a certain sensitivity and he could not comprehend how a Rebbe could treat a Talmid like this. I would like to take this a step further. I understand that, unfortunately, there are certain Rebbeim that should not be in a classroom. Baruch Hashem, in our generation, behaviors like this are not tolerated and the Yeshivos understand that Rebbeim need to teach with love. Years ago, the Rebbeim were a bit harsher. I personally had some Rebbeim that, to put it mildly, I was not very fond of. What I can’t understand about the above story, is the reaction of this boy’s parents. Surely, they must have known their child’s personality. How could they not defend their son? Yes, the Rebbe was completely wrong, but he obviously did not love his Talmidim. What the parents did, however, was inexcusable. Getting back to your question, there is no way I can offer an opinion. He’s your son. Children are fond of saying to their parents, “You don’t understand me!” It’s not true. Parents understand their children better than anyone else. If your son has never taken something that doesn’t belong to him, and is generally honest, you need to defend him. Tell the Rebbe, “Unless you have any proof, please don’t accuse our son. If you do have any proof, we would certainly be willing to give him a serious consequence.” On the other hand, if your son does have a history of saying things that aren’t true, you need to have a talk with your son. “The issue we have, is that you haven’t always been truthful. Therefore, we don’t really know what to believe.” There are two other small points I would like to make.
YR *This Sefer has many questions that were submitted to HaRav Yitzchok Zilberstein Shlita, with his responses. I highly recommend it for every Rebbe. Dear Rabbi Ross. My son is currently in eighth grade and he’s dealing with something that my eleventh-grader dealt with. It’s called a yearbook. My older son was made fun of non-stop in his yearbook, and he’s so embarrassed that he won’t even read it. I’ll elaborate. There is a section in many yearbooks called the humor section. This is where the popular kids embarrass the quieter kids and put material in that can be very hurtful. Please read the quotes about my son and tell me if I’m being overly sensitive? Should the Yeshivas finally put a stop to this practice? Cheryl – Brooklyn
I was not aware that there were jokes that crossed the line in yearbooks. The above e-mail was sent with some pictures of the yearbook in question. I will not show the pictures online, but I’ll include some of the quotes that were written in the humor section. (I’ll use the name Eli instead of the real name.) “In the year 2040, Eli is most likely to be still whining”. Under the Quotable Quotes section for Eli was - “Can everyone just go away!” I really don’t think these are that horrible. In my 8th grade yearbook, there were some jokes about me and some of the other boys that weren’t so nice. They weren’t intentionally mean, but some of the quotes were a little harsh. I know that my parents read it, and although I’m sure they weren’t pleased, they didn’t give it much thought. I spoke with a few Menahalim, and it seems that there is a much more intense vetting process nowadays then there was years ago. One principal told me in confidence that the reason that the humor pages aren’t funny these days, is because parents can’t take a joke anymore. It’s interesting that he said parents, and not kids. I don’t think many children care, I think their parents make it a big issue. It reminds me of a funny story that happened a few years ago. There is a local baseball league that I’m involved with that had a team who lost the first four games of the season. A mother came over to me crying. I want to reiterate that she wasn’t just sad, she was actually crying! There were other people standing around as she said to me, “My son has such a hard time when he loses! It really ruins his entire week!” While she was standing there, her ten-year-old child mumbled pretty loudly, “It doesn’t ruin my week, it ruins her week.” You need to take a step back and ask yourself the following. Are your children the ones upset about the yearbook, or is it really you? I couldn’t tell from the email that you sent. It’s not OK for children to make fun of others, but there’s a difference between making fun and joking around. I’m sure that this isn’t the politically correct answer you want to hear, but it’s the truth. You can’t raise your children to be super sensitive, since it eventually backfires. They’ll be insulted all the time by silly comments and won’t be able to deal with opposing viewpoints. There are two ways that children become super sensitive. The first is if parents keep coddling them and protecting them from any insult. Parents like this watch over their child’s every move to help them. I saw a mother holding her three-year-old’s hand as he went down the slide. By all accounts he seemed to be a typical child, but she refused to let him go himself. The term used to describe this is called “Helicopter Parenting”. The second way to have children become super sensitive, is to act super sensitive in front of them. If you are constantly complaining about what other people said or did and how it makes you feel, your kids might pick this up. The fact is, children are much more resilient than we like to think. Although it’s never okay to make fun of someone, much less a child, it’s a yearbook we’re talking about. It’s not even a high-school yearbook, it’s an 8th grade yearbook. My opinion is that you should leave this alone. Tell your son in 8th grade, that it’s all OK, and there’s nothing wrong with yearbook jokes. Let the boys in the class enjoy their yearbooks and let the Menahel or principal do his job in editing. I want to end with one interesting thought. Having a sensitive child isn’t necessarily a bad thing. The goal should be to focus those sensitivities towards others. In other words, if your child is worried that a different child might be offended, that's fantastic. Have a wonderful week! YR Is there a problem with my children coming into our bedroom? My wife feels that it’s inappropriate, and her parents never let that happen. My parents always let me and my siblings hang out in their room, and it was therapeutic. We considered it a safe area. Of course, we always knocked before entering, but once allowed permission we loved going in. We have 2 young children and want to resolve this before they get older. What do you think? Ephraim – Flatbush
I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this question. Some families are very strict about this, and others don’t really care. I’ve always felt that dealing with family customs in marriage is like going to a new shul for the Yomim Noraim. When the Chazzan starts Davening, some guests feel that he’s doing all the wrong tunes, and others that his Nussach is completely incorrect. The regular Mispalilim might love it, however, the guests and newcomers are frequently perturbed. Marriage works in a similar way. As the years progress, you’ll notice certain things that are completely foreign to you that your spouse finds 100% normal. It’s up to the two of you to work together to find common ground or be Mevater (concede). There is a typical compromise for the situation that you brought up. There are families that don’t allow the kids to enter their bedroom unless they’re sick (or have had a nightmare etc). This way, the children understand that typically the room is off-limits, but it’s also a safe place. You brought up a few other points in your email that I would like to discuss. 1) You mentioned knocking before entering your parent’s room. Actually, kids should be taught to always knock before entering any room that they walk into. Chazal discuss some reasons behind this, and amongst them is the fact that Hashem first asked Adam, “Where are you?” before He entered Gan Eden. This is a wonderful concept to teach your children. Before entering their bedrooms, give a soft knock, and you’ll quickly train them to do the same. 2) I especially enjoyed the fact that you want to resolve any questions before your children get older. Many couples make the mistake of confronting these issues as they come up. The Chofetz Chaim was once asked when to begin chinuch for children. He replied that it’s best to begin before the child is born. Obviously, it’s a little late for that in your case. Nonetheless, it’s admirable that you both want to be prepared for when they get older, and it’s a smart decision. 3) You and your wife should always strive to be on the “same page” when raising your children. Many of the emails I receive constantly use the word “I”, and you used “We” – which is as it should be. With all of the distractions that children deal with on a daily basis, a stable household is crucial. Parents should do their very best to ensure that they are in agreement in all areas of Chinuch. How much, and what kind of electronics the kids can use, how they’ll dress, and even issues as basic as bedtimes. As long as the two of you work together, it’ll be a lot easier. Wishing you a wonderful Shabbos, YR Dear Rabbi Ross. Like many other people, I have been reading your column for a few years. There are times that I disagree with your thoughts, but by and large I like to think we’re on the same page. My question concerns my husband. He has a horrible temper, and frequently says or does things that are, to say the least, regrettable. We have four wonderful children, and although the oldest is only eleven, I worry about what will happen to them. Will they also develop his temper? Will they blame me for not intervening on their behalf? I really can’t stop him when he’s out of control. L. S. – Flatbush
I usually respond privately to these types of emails. Unfortunately, I have recently received a couple of similar questions and that is one of the criteria I use in selecting which e-mails to respond to in my weekly article. Therefore, somewhat against my better judgment, I’m going to reply to this question publicly. Your email, like all the other ones on this topic, is missing a lot of crucial information. Nonetheless, I’m imagining that your spouse is a normal, fun person until something sets him off. I’m saying “him”, but it could also be the mother with the temper. However, in the interest of keeping this as simple as possible, let’s keep this about the husband. First and foremost, you didn’t write what he does when he gets angry. If you ever feel that you’re in danger, you need to call Shalom Task Force at 888-883-2323. It’s completely confidential, and they can help you. There is no excuse for violence or abuse. This is the one time that I won’t suggest that you call your Rav. If you don’t get the help you need, you’re not only risking your own life, but the lives of your children! As I’ve mentioned a few times over the years, I’m not a psychologist. I’m not sure how to deal with him or what to say to him. I would think that any discussion you have with him should be when he’s in a good mood and not feeling threatened. Then again, the real question is, does he want to change? The reason I ask, is because children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. If he doesn’t really try working on himself, it won’t be very helpful. I have seen parents apologize for yelling, but then they yell again a day later. Your children see right through this. You asked, “Will they also develop his temper?” Most children that have tempers begin to display them at a younger age. If your children are already anywhere from seven and up, maybe you got lucky and your children were not affected yet. However, I’m guessing that they will end up being affected one way or another. Here are my thoughts about what you can and cannot do.
Have a good Shabbos. YR Rabbi Ross. Thank you for all the work you put in to this blog. I’m having an issue, not with my children, but with other children. In Shul on Shabbos, there are many kids outside of the shul during davening or laining or the speech, and these kids range anywhere from 5 to 16 years old. They talk the whole time and it’s just wrong. What can I tell these children to convince them to daven inside the shul? Eliyahu – Location Redacted
The short answer is nothing. They are not your children, and therefore it’s not your job to get involved. If you really want to help, you can go to the Rav and ask if there’s anything you can do to help. Maybe the Shul can hire someone to run a teen Minyan or youth groups if you don’t already have them. You can assist in making those arrangements by either securing the necessary finances or helping with the logistics. I’m actually not a huge fan of youth groups, but if the kids are roaming the hallways, it’s certainly important to have structure. There are many Shuls that teach the children how to be “Chazzanim”, as well as the Halachos of Laining, Hagbah, Gelila and much more. Although children who Daven in Shul every Shabbos generally learn these skills, there are some children who can gain a great deal from these younger minyanim. To be brutally honest, there are also some children that should not be sitting (or fidgeting) next to their parents in Shul. In all these situations, a youth minyan is a great option. The situation that you described, is unfortunately, a common one is certain communities. One of the reasons that I redacted the location that you provided, was that I felt it might constitute Lashon Hara. Most Shuls don’t have this issue, but there are a few in each community where this is, unfortunately, common. One father told me recently, “At least they’re in shul. It’s a step in the right direction.” I respectfully disagree. It is certainly NOT a step in the right direction. You have your fourteen-year-old son spending most of the Shabbos davening outside in the hallway, loudly talking with his friends. There are those that would suggest it would be better if he stayed at home. I have mixed feelings about it, but parents should not be “OK” with the situation. I know I’m heading into dangerous territory here, but I don’t think the Rav of these shuls should ignore the situation either. In order to deal with this serious issue, the community needs to approach it from three angles.
Hopefully, we can all work together to ensure that our children understand the importance of Davening in the Shul like the B’nai Torah they are. Have a good Shabbos, YR This is the first time I’m writing in to a column so please bear with me. I have an issue with homework. My kids are coming home and have to immediately begin doing work and It’s ridiculous. I don’t remember getting this much work, and I can’t allow it to continue. My children are growing up in a generation that has a poor work ethic, and yet we expect children to attend nine hours of school, not even counting the 45 minutes on the bus each day. When he finally arrives home he gets a quick snack, and then begins working again, and It’s just not healthy. They also expect the kids to search information online which requires supervision and I can’t be with him. I did read your article about this subject, I just didn’t feel that it answered my issue. I want to tell the teacher that homework is wrong. I’m siding with my kids. How can I do that? R.K. – Far Rockaway
Homework has become an issue for many families, and I think you hit the nail on the head. Our generation is extremely lazy, and yet we demand non-stop work from the kids. I’ve been in houses where the father comes home after a long day at work, and he sits back and relaxes. In the meantime, his children are frantically doing their many homework assignments. They also had a long day. School is work. My initial response is that I agree with you. As a Rebbe, I do the work in class, and if any boys do not complete the work, they finish at home while learning with their Chavrusah. I actually encourage parents not to help their children with the work. I’m fond of telling parents, “If your children don’t understand something, it’s my job as an educator to help them.” Once parents start helping their children with the homework, it’ll never end. Additionally, teachers should want to see where students had difficulty with the work, in order to review/explain the material in class the next day. Let’s take a step back and try to understand the point of homework. In school the kids learn a lot over a relatively short amount of time. There may be nine hours of school, but your son can be learning Gemara, Chumash, Halacha, Navi, Math, Science, History, English and much more. That’s not including Davening, recess, lunch and breaks. The Rebbe or teacher wants to reinforce the material that was learned, so he gives a little work at home to review. At least that’s what’s supposed to happen. Realistically speaking, many Rebbeim and teachers have a certain amount of material they need to cover. If they don’t have enough time, some simply assign it for home work. In these instances, the kids come home with a lot of work, and they usually require assistance – which can be tough on parents as well. When my 1st grade son came to me for some homework help, I quickly realized that I cannot do first grade math using Common Core. I have spoken to many parents who feel that the constant strain of homework is destroying their relationship with their children. They put pressure on their children to finish up, and both the kids and parents become tense. As one mother wrote, “A foul mood descends on our house nightly because of the homework situation”. That’s not acceptable. I cannot come up with a simple answer for the schools. This is definitely a serious issue, and they need to have some internal meetings to come up with a viable solution that fits their curricula. I can however, give you some advice for your home. I do suggest that people first read the homework email I wrote a few years ago, which gives solutions to help manage the workload. My suggestions below are more focused on coming up with viable solutions on a permanent basis.
Have a great Shabbos. YR Dear Rabbi Ross. My name is (Redacted) and I feel like a bad kid. Here’s why. I love peanut butter. Chunky and plain. My parents used to always give it to me for lunch and snacks when I was a little boy. Now I’m in 7th grade and I still can’t have it in school since the school is nut free. What’s next not having meat? Why can’t the boys with allergies go into one class for their grade, and the other classes can have nuts? I know I sound mean, but I’m just frustrated. (Redacted)
I don’t think you’re a bad or mean person. I think you are a bit confused about what allergies are, but that’s understandable. We spend a lot of time educating adults about the dangers of certain foods, but children are just told they can’t have them. I’ll try and make it clearer for you. Let’s start with the difference between allergies and dietary habits. You mentioned not having meat, and there are people who are vegetarians and therefore don’t eat meat. There are also people who are vegan which means that they don’t eat meat or animal products including eggs, milk and so on. Those people made a decision to change their dietary choices, and we respect their decision. We are not obligated to hide the fact that we eat meat, nor do we have to stop eating meat (or eggs) in front of them. Allergies are a completely different ballgame. Nobody chooses to have an allergy, and it’s a life-changing event. I know some children who have such severe allergies that if they even smell peanuts, they can become seriously ill. These kids are unable to attend any events that might have nut products present and need to carry an EpiPen with them at all times. An EpiPen is a special shot that can save the life of someone having an allergic reaction. This reaction can be from a bee sting, eating certain types of fish or even smelling a peanut, depending on what the person is allergic to. During this allergic reaction, the person’s throat can swell up so badly that they will be unable to breathe. The EpiPen reverses the allergic reaction, giving enough time for this person to get to a doctor or hospital. The obvious question is, which children get allergies? Unfortunately, we don’t have an answer to that. Scientists and doctors have been testing theories for a long time, but as of now, it’s still unknown. In other words, it could be a neighbor, a relative or a close friend. It’s absolutely terrifying to have an allergic reaction, not only for the person having the reaction, but even for the people watching. There was one time that I had to inject a boy with an EpiPen, and it was not a pleasant experience. What does this have to do with you? Well, there are even adults that have asked this question. “Why do I have to stop eating peanuts in front of the other people? Let them go somewhere else!” The answer is, that allergies affect all of us. We’re one nation, and when we stick together we bring Moshiach closer, which is our ultimate goal. Sticking together means more than just wishing each other “Good Shabbos”, it means actually taking care of one another. If your best friend was unable to be in a room with peanuts, would you stop being his friend? Of course not! You would learn to adapt. Not only that, you would make sure that no one else is eating peanuts around him. We have an obligation to be sensitive to the needs of other people. Instead of thinking about the fact that you are being inconvenienced by not being allowed a PB&J sandwich in Yeshiva, you should be focusing on the fact that these boys are never allowed to have one. You need to understand that when you want to go to a ballgame, you just go. Many of these children cannot go to a game. They can’t go to concerts or even some amusement parks. They have it much harder than you! What if no one in your class is allergic, but the school has a “No nuts” policy? Can you bring in nuts? The answer is still, “No”! We don’t want to risk a different child’s health (or life C”V), so a different child can have a chocolate bar with nuts. I once had a parent ask me, “What are the odds that a child will get hurt if my son eats a PB&J sandwich?” I told him, “There are no acceptable odds when we’re talking about someone getting hurt.” It’s completely normal for you to be frustrated that you can’t have the foods that you enjoy in Yeshiva. However, you need to keep things in perspective. You can go home and have these foods, the boys that are allergic can’t. Focusing on the feelings of your friends is a great way to improve your own Middos. Have a great Shabbos! YR Hi Rabbi Ross. I’m a ten-year-old girl writing this letter with help from my mother. My parents want me to dress in a way that they say is Tznius, and I’m unhappy with these rules. Some examples are the length of my socks or skirt or even the color of my sweatshirts. My friends all dress the way they want to, and I feel different than everyone else. My mother said if you agree with me, she’ll rethink her rules. Please agree with me. I’m not giving my real name because my mother won’t let me. Estie
Hi, “Estie.” You sound like a bright young woman, and I’m going to be very straight with you. There are two separate issues that are in your email, and I don’t want to confuse them. The first issue is the one regarding “Tznius.” You feel restricted and wish you could dress the way you want. Your friends seem to wear whatever they want, and you don’t want to be the odd one. The second issue is that you seem to feel that your parents are overly protective, or overly strict. That’s not something I can discuss in this article, but it will be discussed in a future issue. Tznius is an overused word that I’m not so fond of. Many people have been using it to describe the way people dress, but it’s so much more than that. Tznius is a way of life for all Jews. It’s not about being restricted, it’s about living life as a Torah Jew. Limiting it to just a method of dress is wrong. It also describes the way people should speak and act, in public and in private. I know people who dress extremely conservatively and yet don’t act B’Tznius, and others that don’t dress as carefully but behave in a much more Tznius manner. In other words, you can’t judge people just by the way they dress, and it’s actually a dangerous thing to do. That being said, there are times that people need to dress in a specific way. For example, you wouldn’t go to a water park in a suit and tie, and you probably wouldn’t go to school in a bathing suit. Why not? Because there are certain times that you need to dress in a suitable way. As a Yid, that holds true all the time. We need to dress appropriately all the time. Getting back to your letter/question, how should you dress? That’s not a question I can answer. Using Halacha and/or Rabbonim to guide them, parents try to educate their children regarding the importance of being “Tznius.” Some people have certain customs that others don’t have. There are no specific guidelines that every person follows, rather we follow our family custom. I’m sure your parents understand and appreciate the importance of looking like a Bas Torah. Their job is not to tell all the girls in your class what to wear, rather, their only responsibility is to help you and your siblings. It’s unfair to compare the way your friends dress since they come from different families and backgrounds. Besides, let’s be fair. I’m sure there are girls that have parents that are even stricter than yours. When girls complain about dressing appropriately, I tell them to look at pictures of the Queen of England. Why does she always seem to be dressed in a dignified way? It’s because she’s royalty! She understands that she is different, and how important it is to be more modest. Well, you are also royalty – you’re a Bas Yisrael! Here’s what I suggest. If there is one aspect that is really frustrating to you, ask your parents if you can ask your Rav or Menahel their opinion. It can’t be a general, “I don’t like to dress this way”, but you can focus on one aspect that is difficult for you. For example, there is a family I know whose daughter wanted to wear pink sneakers, and her parents felt it was inappropriate. The parents agreed to ask their Rav who said that it wasn’t a problem, and this girl is now the proud owner of a neon-pink pair of sneakers. I understand that you want me to agree with you, but unfortunately, I can’t agree or disagree with you. What I can tell you, is that your parents are not trying to make you miserable, rather they’re trying to guide you. It’ll make more sense when you’re a mother IY”H. Interestingly enough, I received a similar question from a mother’s perspective a few months ago. I think you’ll enjoy reading that answer as well. May you have the strength to grow into a true Bas Yisroel in all aspects of your life and be Zoche to fulfill the mitzvah of “Hatznea Leches Im Elokecha” wherever you go. Have a great Shabbos! YR |
AuthorRabbi Yitzie Ross is a Rebbe and has been working with parents and kids for many years. You can read more about him in the "about" section. Archives
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